Jeffrey Meyer's (centurymeyer35) Reviews

Jeffrey Meyer

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676 Public Reviews Given

680 Total Reviews Given

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#4826554

Review of Is this “neutrality”?

Review by Jeffrey Meyer

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Nightblue,

You describe depression very well here. And depression is like that, isn't it? It hides from you; it's like trying to see the back of your head. So you wonder why you're numb when it's just depression. The kind of depression you explore here is experienced by many of us. It feels very much like my bipolar II depression. It's a numbness that causes pain. Isn't it a weird paradox? But it's a tricky little monster, as you demonstrate here.

I definitely agree that your rhythm is off, but that's not necessarily a problem. Unless you have constrained yourself by saying, "I am writing this in such-and-such form," you can get by with almost anything. If you do want to refine the rhythm, I would suggest first going through and paring out all the unnecessary words, like articles and pronouns. Make each line as short as possible without sacrificing the message. Then build them back up to fit the rhythm you want. One other recommendation: avoid the 4-beat greeting card rhythm: daDA daDA daDA daDA, deDE deDE deDE deDE. It gets sing-songy, and it can distract the reader from the words.

This is quite a good poem exploring the strange sensations—and lack thereof—of depression. Perhaps there are more emotions you can explore to combat the depression. In any case, I hope you well stimulated enough to Write On!

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#4826538

Review of Deconstructed

Review by Jeffrey Meyer

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Malena,

Another strong piece! Good grief is this a packed punch!

A tale of abuse/neglect, this is heartbreaking. It's also a warning to us parents to be very careful of what we do—and don't do—while raising our children.

I'd like offer some comments on the very personal piece.

Favorite lines:

"So I live in a void. A void, a ball of cotton, so that my existence doesn't hurt anyone, doesn't hurt me, doesn’t hurt you." I've heard of a void being described as a dark place, a metaphor you use also. But being in a ball of cotton, muffled, unable to be heard—wow! I had never thought of depression and pain that way. And to consider not hurting others with your pain (even those who have caused it) is terribly insightful. Brilliant metaphor.

"I wear long jeans in summer so you don't have to see how I let out my pain," Again, protecting those that cause you pain from seeing the outcome of that pain. The allusion to self-harm, to cutting, is powerful and painful to the reader. That's partially because it is stated so matter-of-factly, so gently. The acceptance of needing to harm oneself is absolutely heart-wrenching!

"There, I crossed it out so it doesn't burn your eyes when you try to read it." The statement that those who are hurting cannot stand to be loved in return, that seeing love turned in their direction would burn them, exorcise them, is intuitive and so, so sad.

The repetition of "I am deconstructed" in the last paragraph really drives home your point, makes us remember it and think about it after the reading is done.

Mechanics:

You have a few words that are missing apostrophes, and there's a few places where commas tripped you up. But your writing in a second language is very impressive, as I've noted before!

Your arc is complete. You tell us you are damaged, then you explain why and how you are damaged, and reiterate your damage at the end.

Length. This is a very personal piece, so please forgive me if I trespass on it. But I think this could be edited down quite a bit. You make the same points several times, albeit with different examples. I would challenge you to go back through this and objectively look for repetition of ideas and concepts, and do a little self-editing.

Presentation:

I recommend using a font size of at least 3.5. It's much easier for the reader to see, and it's less daunting when we look at it. If your story looks easy to consume, it is more likely to be read.

Similarly, I recommend a line-spacing of at least 1.4. White space is important for the readers' eyes to rest while reading, which avoids fatigue and loss of interest.

This is overall a terribly crushing piece, written out of a desperate damaged love for those who neglect someone. I hope writing this has been cathartic for you, and if it has that you Write On!

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#4826523

Review of 666

Review by Jeffrey Meyer

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Treasure,

These questions are very efficiently raised by your poem, and succinctly put. I think the vocabulary you chose to make your points makes this accessible to aa wide range of readers.

That last stanza is a great summation, asking the ultimate questions: how much do we really know about anything?

In the vein of constructive criticism, I would challenge that this might work better as an article or short essay. While poetry is very flexible, these statements and questions don’t feel as flowery, cryptic, sharp, or versatile as poetry often does. I admit, this is just one reader's opinion.

Good job expressing a very valid point and exposing a conversation we don't often have. Keep us thinking: Write On, my friend!

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#4826515

Review of Close

Review by Jeffrey Meyer

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Queen,

It only takes a few words to pack hard punch. Loss is universal, but how we feel it and how we express it are unique to the individual. Your poem might be short, but it has no fat on it, making its impact immediate and powerful.

I love the line: "you were only on loan." What an incredible way to express the impermanence of life.

Couple of notes for you:

Punctuation will help this piece. For instance, a period after the third line will help the reader understand that is the end of the first thought; similarly, a period after "I was broken" help us pause and take a breath before the last line.

Spelling issue— the beginning of the last line should be "there," not "their."

This is a powerful poem, and I hope writing and sharing it has helped ease the sense of loss it conveys.

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#4826513

Review of My Journey to Indie Author

Review by Jeffrey Meyer

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Salmon,

I've self-published one book of poetry using the GumRoad platform. I got a few sales and felt like king of the world; it's a great feeling to see someone interested enough in your work to invest in it, so your encouragement is so important!

Your cautions are very astute, and very useful to those of that aspire to write. Editing is often difficult, because we fall in love with every word we write; and proofreading one's own work is often a fool's game!

To help me learn how to edit and prune and get to the meat of a story, slicing off the fat, I participate in the "Daily Flash Fiction Challenge"

challenge here on WdC. It's hard to tell a story in 300 words or fewer, but it's a great exercise. Perhaps one of your blogs could mention it to other readers (if you hadn't thought of it already)?

I have a couple more comments for you about this piece:

~ First, thank you for the idea of those bullets. I don't know why I never thought of using emoticons like that! (You can see here how I've always done it.)

~ Give us a little more detail about what you've read that converted you from hater to writer. Maybe another person whose author-curious can use the same books and stories for their own inspiration.

~ Along the same lines, perhaps you could give us just a teaser of the publication process. I understand that's the meat of other blogs..but maybe just enough to hook us in a little more?

Overall, this is a very good article/post/blog. It reminds me that I can move forward and publish things I've written, that there are those like you out there that are willing to help me navigate the process before and into publication.

Thank you for encouraging us to Write On!

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Jeffrey
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#4826437

Review of I Bet I Can

Review by Jeffrey Meyer

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

What a charmingly romantic little scene! I liked the theft of a kiss; that was cute. The fact that she actually wanted what he wanted all along made this flirty little interlude very satisfactory for the reader.

Many thanks for leaving this reader with a smile before bed.

--Jeffrey

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#4826046

Review of Team Ahimsa Blog Relay, Various Contests

for entry "For Life (Not Death)"

Review by Jeffrey Meyer

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Sonali,

A fable! I've not read a fable in a long time! I loved this. I wish this wasn't for a flash fiction, because I wanted more! Of course, I guess any good fable should be able to fit into a flash fiction, necessitating one to cut off the flab and present the salient points of an argument—while still keeping it in the guise of a story, of course.

I wonder if the final paragraph is needed, or if this piece would stand better as a fable if the reader is left to figure out the point for themselves. I don't really know about that, but I know you've made me want to try a fable! (Trouble with that is, I'm such a pessimistic person, my fable would probably be a thinly-veiled guide to blowing up the world.

)

Excellent piece, Sonali.

--Jeffrey

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#4826045

Review of The Men From Macon

Review by Jeffrey Meyer

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Chris,

This story is great! It is written very well—a compelling, engrossing read!

Your characters are developed mostly through dialog, a device that works incredibly well here. The main character is defined incredibly well through your use of dialect. "Can't say from first-hand 'sperience, suh." Sentences worded thus put the reader in the right period of time, as well as defining the character.

Mechanically, your story is impeccable: punctuation, sentence structure, tense and plurality agreement are all spot on.

I felt the story arc was a little incomplete, perhaps. Perhaps. Maybe I just want more, but it seems like the story wants to be more. Nothing for this reviewer to offer in that area.

Overall, this was really a great story, so much so that I don't have any constructive criticism to add! I loved it from the first paragraph, and have gone back to read it a couple of times, now. The time period, the characters, and physical setting tell a story so vivid, the reader can almost taste the dust. Brilliant writing, my friend!

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Jeffrey
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#4825889

Review of El caminar

Review by Jeffrey Meyer

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Mario,

Por favor, perdóname si esta respuesta no suena bien. Traduje tu poema en Google Translate, y voy a traducir mi respuesta de nuevo al español. Las traducciones pueden no ser 100% fieles al tono que pretendo.

Pensé que este poema era encantador. Enfatiza la objetividad en su sentido más positivo. Si nos detenemos demasiado en ver el amor, no podremos ver nada más, y por lo tanto podremos ser heridos por esas otras cosas si son peligrosas. De manera similar, si nos enfocamos en el odio, este nos consumirá, y no entenderemos el amor. Si nos enfocamos en cualquier cosa en particular, estaremos ciegos al resto, y eso nos hará daño.

El mensaje de que necesitamos ser autoconcientes y mirarnos a nosotros mismos de manera objetiva no es común en la poesía. Pero es una observación muy válida. Muchas religiones orientales se centran en esto: meditación, autoconciencia objetiva, divorcio de la mente de la emoción y la sensación. Tal meditación—en moderación, por supuesto—nos permitirá ver las trampas ante nosotros.

Al final, afirmas que cometerás errores, que tus malos hábitos y vicios seguirán ahí. Pero se da a entender que si 'nos cuidamos' a través de la autorreflexión, aún lograremos mantener nuestro equilibrio.

¡Excelente poema, Mario!

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Jeffrey
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#4825884

Review of The Ranger

Review by Jeffrey Meyer

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Lonewolf,

This is a fantastic scene. The style is 100% contemporary western, with just enough tinge of classic western to satisfy on multiple levels. The attitude of the tired peacekeeper has got to be spot-on. How else could police, detectives, and Rangers feel besides tired, with all the work we make for them!?

In a few short lines, you've made the local deputy diminutive, enlarging both the mystique of the Ranger and his importance without wasting words on it.

The setting is made complete, in my opinion, by: "...the house smelled like wet paper..." That's so right! My mother's house was falling down around her ears before we could get her to move out, and that smell of rot was all over the place, just like old wet paper. Anoth wonderfully economic use of words.

Overall, I loved this wonderful, short, self-contained story.

Best bet I'll not eff around in Texas!

--Jeffrey

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#4825771

Review of Where I Once fell

Review by Jeffrey Meyer

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Synthia,

This is such a heartbreaking poem. The metaphor of drowning is often used for someone who is succumbing to mental stress and breakdown. And it is apt; I've been to that circus, and I don't want to go back. You handle the subject well, inserting yourself in the episode. It's not just another person who has lost the battle; you have, too.

For me, I see it well from the other end of the spectrum, from the perspective of the one who is letting go and being pulled under. You've painted the desperation of the lost person so very well.

Mechanically speaking, your rhythm and rhyme are well paced and stay strong throughout. I would strongly recommend removing the apostrophes and just using the full "ing" endings to words. In this context, changing "swimming" to "swimmin'" doesn't change the message. One might even assert that it slightly impacts the overall maturity of the piece.

This hits a still-raw spot inside of me, and I find it incredibly moving. And that's what poetry's for, right? That being the case, you hit a homerun.

I'd like to leave you with this song, which your poem immediately reminded me of. I hope you find it as pertinent as I do.

https://youtu.be/17bz5_fCkTs?si=YAV97WQm4mEr-DZT

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Jeffrey
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#4825759

Review of Sienna, Sienna

Review by Jeffrey Meyer

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Malena,

This is a good start to something. Your main character, Sienna, is well-defined, and her actions and behaviors are very human. One is able to identify with her as she readies herself for school, still a bit tired, but enjoying the peace. I really enjoyed the feeling of the quite house. The details of the group text brought truth to the story. While I grew up with yard-darts and an Etch-s-Sketch (Google them; you'll love it.

), the group text is ubiquitous now.

Great job with Meadeline's character. We don't see her, don't know her...but we know she's gone. Missing, perhaps? Dead? The reader doesn't know—not in this chapter, anyway—but the untouched locker implies volumes.

You asked for readers to "be brutal" with critiques. However, I don't find anything about which to be brutal; you've done a great job. One item I will point out is how to better use paragraphs. Separate Sienna's individual thoughts by paragraphs so we can think along with her. Example:

"...Sometimes I feel as though even talking is something intimate, as though my voice belongs only to me and the people I trust. As if others could hurt my words if I said them out loud.

Seconds later my alarm rings, and I squint my eyes shut..."

I've inserted the paragraph break here to show where one set of thoughts ends and another begins. The first thought is about the night before; the next thought is about waking up. The two different thoughts need to be broken apart. That's one example, but there are several opportunities for this throughout.

Also, it is best to break apart dialog into independent lines. Use a new paragraph every time the speaker changes. Like this:

“Ki, I’m in here!” I laugh.

“As if I don’t know that! Catch a break, girl; school hasn’t even started and you’re working already!” She hugs me, and I smell her powdery perfume and hairspray.

“So did you do the lit homework?” I ask.

“About that…” she starts, before I cut her off.

It really helps the reader keep track of who's talking; we get to take a mental breath between each speaker and parse what they've said in the conversation. The brain works fast, but it needs that infinitesimal break sometimes.

Also, and this is dependent on the medium you've chosen in which to present this, I suggest using a larger font. I prefer 3.5 or 4, myself. The smaller the font, the harder it is to read; the harder it is to read, the fewer people will actually read it.

Otherwise, I think you punctuation is very good. You have one little tense issue: "Everything, every sound, was loud again, sharp." I think "is" is more appropriate than "was" here. Being the first chapter of a larger story, the arcs of theme and characters are naturally incomplete, but they seem to be following an organic progression with believable pacing. Your vocabulary fits the story, and your sentence structures are right on. If this is your second language, my friend, you're doing great! You're doing better than some people for whom English is a native language!

Overall, this is a strong opener, and I look forward to seeing what Sienna and her friends are in for next. So don't keep us hanging: write on!

This review offered by
Jeffrey
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#4825615

Review of That Day

Review by Jeffrey Meyer

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

What a poignant moment to capture in just 300 words! We hear so often about "the first time I saw my son/daughter as an adult." But these moments are just as important, when we see them growing, feel their minds and personalities developing. They are incredibly bittersweet moments, reminding us that our little ones can't be little forever and that we will one day let them go on their own. But until then, they will need friends to guide their ways—friends like us. I very much enjoyed this short, sweet piece.

--Jeffrey

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#4825436

Review of lost in the sauce

Review by Jeffrey Meyer

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Carlo,

This is a nice piece about relaxing and letting the world flow of one's shoulders while letting words and attitudes flow naturally and peacefully.

You touch on some universal points that allow us all to access the song: having a special spot ("vibbin at the park"), friendly social gatherings ("lets just grill are you real"), living in the moment ("can you feel this day with some blessing"). As an admonishment to the listener to eschew the frantic, negative, and frenetic aspects of life, your message is clear and welcome.

I have a few comments that might help you improve the delivery of this piece.

~ Time Signature. A lot of rap in teh 80's was in 4/4 time:
     "Maybe I'm missing
     the reason that you're dissin'...
     When I get on
     I like to vibe and glide..."
          (--Beastie Boys, "So Whatcha Want")

A lot of modern rap has much more intricate time signatures, with some sections of songs changing internally to accommodate inline rhymes. I would recommend that you find the time signature that is comfortable with you and deliver your lines in that rhythm. It allows the reader/listener to really groove with it.

~ Spelling. I understand a lot of songs are written as stream-of-consciousness, wherein spelling is not the focus. But you can hone your craft and your message by going back and editing your work. For instance, "vibbin" should "vibin'" with a long "i" sound.

~ Punctuation. This is very specific to an individual's styule, let me acknowledge that up front. But using periods and commas to break your statements into individual ideas often helps the reader keep track of what you're saying. In a vocal performance, you would pause, even a little, before hitting the next bar; give us a breath as we read it, as well. Example:

     ...yall know the deal.
     can you feel at ease?
     feel the breeze, we just geese
     kicking back relocated
     to bigger better thangs.
     I slang of thy Army...

The red punctuation marks help me, as the reader, flow along with your words.

~ Vocabulary. I think you did quite well picking the right vocabulary for this song. Good job. Always keep in mind how lyric-oriented rap is, often using one bar to say two or three different things at the same time. It's often more poetic than rock, so always use vocabulary to your advantage, like you did with the reference to geese. Geese congregate in groups, and geese migrate away from negative (cold) areas to places of peace and tranquility where they can exist together and chill.

~ The End. Don't throw away the end with a bunch of random characters. To me, it kind of made it seem like you were making a joke out of a perfectly viable piece. Be serious about your craft and present it seriously and confidently.

It's a pretty good piece, Carlo. I end this review trying to hear which beat you would put with it...so I guess this will stay in my mind's ear the rest of the morning. Good job, my friend.

This review offered by
Jeffrey
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#4825302

Review of The Golden Coin

Review by Jeffrey Meyer

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Louis,

Ah, the age-old tale of self-temperance. We always wind up wishing that nature had taken its course without our interference. Perhaps that's the whole message being told in these stories: you are not in charge; sit back and enjoy the ride...but keep your darn fool arms inside the ride at all times, and don't try to steer the car yourself!

I love the way you start out in media res. That device always captures my attention. It repudiates "once upon a time." your use of allusion to give us just a hint of what happened to cause this is quite tasty, giving us a nibble, but leaving us room to cook our own dish of circumstances.

The characters are wonderfully defined by their dialog, and each has its own complete arc; very well written. Your mechanics, theme, and story arc are all impeccable. The only note of criticism I might offer is to make the font size a bit bigger; I find 3.5 or 4 makes for a more comfortable read.

In the finest form of The Monkey's Paw and 1001 Nights, this story is interesting, captivating, and ultimately vindicating. Great writing!

This review offered by
Jeffrey
——————————

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#4825227

Review of Drake's Rainy Night

Review by Jeffrey Meyer

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Wow. This is really good. The setting is every bit as important as the characters here; in fact it is one of the characters, a silent antagonist that tries to drown Drake's positive energy. The amber color of the street lamps rippling in the puddles was very evocative for me; I've seen that during many a night walk in my life.

The act of sharing his food with a stranger was keen, but adding the puppy to the image really pulled the reader's heartstrings even more. So many great, subtle choices like this.

This was fantastic. It felt so much more robust than just 288 words. Very impressive!

--Jeffrey

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#4825190

Review of the hardest goodbye

Review by Jeffrey Meyer

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Sweet Girl,

This is a bittersweet essay, to be sure. It's mostly bitter because of all the impacts of addiction and grief; yet it's sweet that you remember the love and regret what was lost. Even remembering or considering lost love is experiencing at least a shadow of that love.

The honesty of this piece is quite moving. You avoid self-pity while also avoiding the trap of vilifying the addict. Dealing with an addict is all-consuming and exhausting. My mother dealt my alcoholic father. And guess what? I was stupid enough to follow in his footsteps and become a drunk myself. Those days are past me now...unless I decide "it's okay to have just a few." Because then, just like your grandfather, two drinks turns to three, three goes to six, six to twelve, and then sweet oblivion. The way you captured that was very effective; good job. Guns 'n' Roses sang, "I used to do a little, but a little wouldn't do, and so a little got more and more." You've captured the same sentiment with more maturity and eloquence: "After that his 6 pack of beer a day turned into 10. As time went on and the pain got deeper, it became liquor. Something that hits harder..."

You did a very good job of communicating the feelings of betrayal, as well. "Low and behold 12 ounces of liquor..." I really thought we were going to read that he was using your special cup to drink booze out of; I'm so glad it didn't that way.

Now, I have some elements of constructive criticism to discuss. Remember, these are the thoughts of just one person who hopes to help.

1 ~ The Font. Girl, I didn't even know the font could get this small on here! Seriously, though, I had to zoom in to 140% magnification to read this story. I suggest using font size 3.5 or 4. The font size tool is the button with three differently-size S's in the tool bar.

2 ~ Paragraph Spacing. This is a little thing, and I don't know if there is a right or wrong application. However, I would recommend leaving one blank line between your paragraphs. It gives the readers mind a signal to take a mental breath, process the paragraph it just read, and prepare to parse more information.

3 ~ Consider Editing. Consider looking back into this piece and rearranging it a little. This is the most hypocritical advice I ever give, because I am horrible at doing it. However, I think you would benefit from going back in and slightly rearranging this into "5-Paragraph" form. I'm sure you're thinking of the high school 5-paragraph essay and groaning. Well, it turns out that's exactly what I'm suggesting—except it doesn't have to be difficult at all. Here's a secret a mentor told me when I was in high school:

     Tell em what you're gonna tell em.
     Then tell em.
     Then tell em what you told em.

Intro, info, exit. You're 80% of the way there right now, with a good intro and a good exit. Just slightly reworking those middle three or four paragraphs will give you a smoothly flowing, forward-looking piece of writing that will still ring true with your own emotions.

4 ~ Ask Someone Else to Proofread. I'm giving a general review, not proofreading at this point. However, I will note that there are several areas where you have the wrong punctuation, run-on sentences, or an orphaned phrase. This is likely due to 2 things: inexperience in writing and proofreading your own work. The second one is common to everyone. Proofreading your own work is a fools' game sometimes. So, I recommend either reaching out to family or a peer—or even someone here on WdC to proofread what you've written and give you a through, objective feedback by which you can improve the piece in question and improve your writing overall.

This is a very well-thought-out piece of writing, my friend. It states facts, demonstrates emotions, and draws conclusions—all without becoming boring, morose, or preachy. That's quite the accomplishment with such a topic. It's good writing, and I hope we see more form you.

Write on, SweetGirl!

This review offered by
Jeffrey
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If you feel I have been rude, cruel,
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#4824969

Review of The Taste of Rust

Review by Jeffrey Meyer

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

E,

Hate. Anger. Fire. Corrosion. The first two bring on the second two in a terribly beautiful transformation. It's a horrible thing, but it's fascinating to watch. And it's engaging to read about it. I'm reminded of Stephen King's short story/novella called Hearts in Atlantis, where a pivotal character has lost a great deal, including much of his physical ability. One character tells him he's got a chip on his shoulder. He replies along the lines of: "At least I know what I've got left; do you?"

I love the relationship you have put together between these two. They could have been lovers or just best of friends; it doesn't matter. You've sketched the closeness, but you've fully painted the estrangement. Negative space, man. I have learned how important and useful negative space is from you, I am quite happy to say.

Arthur's occupation is wonderfully illustrative of his mindset and emotional needs. He cannot overcome his past, so he has to kill it, over and over. He was close with someone, and he got hurt, brutally and irrevocably. His life was stolen from him. He can't attack that theft, but he can avenge himself, over and over. But we, as the readers, see another example of how anger only breeds more anger. He needs to overcome that statis of anger, but he only empties himself more every time he empties his gun.

The showdown with Flynn is so well written. It's realistic and sad and vindicating all at the same time. It's the killer who deserves death but is sentenced to a lifetime of feeling guilt, instead. It's the opposite of euthanasia. It's a man who turns away from one type of cancer to nurse a different kind. It's what a lot of us would do.

It also reminds me of the last scene in The Fly, where Jeff Goldblum desires to be ended, but the protagonist can't do it. Flynn wants this to be over. He has savored the sour link as long as Arthur, and he has held out to be ended only by his former mate. But he is left even further embittered by the reality that there is no romantic climactic ending coming, that they will both go on living like this, just two people trapped in the corrosion of their own lives.

Your symbology is nicely tight here.

~ The concept of corrosion is clear from the first mention of iron and rain, and brought out explicitly in the final paragraph. Nice bookending.

~ And your throughline of static, stasis, being trapped in an emotional pit is once again prominent. In previous stories, some of your characters have chosen methods to grow past the static; here, Arthur choses it as a way of life...and a way toward death. That's so realistic to me, so horribly true of so many of us. It lends reality to the story.

~ Whether intentional or not, there is an unspoken conversation of the danger of unrequited relationships, heartbreaks: self-harm. Instead of the physical self-harm of chemicals or cutting, Arthur and Flynn have both chose the self-harm of static anger, emotional stagnancy. "The only thing left that proved he could still feel." The bitterness of the end is a warning to the reader that if we don't move past loss and pain, we are only hurting ourselves, and that hurting ourselves can become an addiction and poisonous coping mechanism in itself.

Your style is refreshingly different in this story. Your poetic prose is replaced by dark crimester vocabulary. (Like my new word? crime and gangster mixed together for a new genre: crimester. Dig it.) You narrowly avoid both noir and modern spy drama for a unique style that is accessible to many more readers.

A couple of thoughts that might be useful to you.

~ First, you have duplicated paragraph 4.

~ Second, the presentation in the standard WdC small font is immediately intimidating. It looks dense, and readers might be less inclined to invest int he effort of reading it. It also fatigues the eye. I would recommend using size 3.5 or 4. If you also increase your line spacing to 1.4, you create physical negative space that makes the letters easier to read and gives the eyes room to rest.

Mechanically, it's as sound as they come—punctuation, sentence construction, paragraph sequencing: all top-notch. The arc is complete and brutally clear. The ending is perfect. It completes the story, and is bleakly forward-looking, everything I think an ending should be.

This is another fantastic work, my friend. I am pleased to have had the honor of offering my thoughts; I hope I've not spilled too much coffee on the manuscript.

This review offered by
Jeffrey
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#4824840

Review of This Could Be A Big Problem

Review by Jeffrey Meyer

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Shopping is a necessary evil for me—not a pastime in any sense of the word. I sympathize with Eddy. The image of the money flying out of their account is a commentary on domestic life in the US, and a rather stereotypical one at that. Does the stereotype of the little wifey spending the big hubby's hard-earned money hold true? I think not.

But it's interesting how easily it can be written and accepted by the reader.

In this case, the reader is as chastened as Eddy when they find that Cassie only bought one thing and was just doing a favor everyone else, and that the suspicion she had overspent was baseless. But we should have known. Cassie is obviously a good person. If I left my wife at the mall accidently, this hubby would be dog food!

Cute piece.

--Jeffrey

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#4824707

Review of Nicole

Review by Jeffrey Meyer

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Carlo,

Acrostic poems are always interesting. They can be quite tricky at times, too. You have handled this one fairly well. The intensity of your emotion for this girl comes through plainly in words like "frustrated" and "fixation." We are reassured you're not a stalker, though, when you finish with "success"

I'll pose you a challenge: tell us more. Stretch your lines a little.

November rain on the bus window
Intoxicates her face, frustrates my heart;
Chaotic fixation circles my brain...

Something along those lines. In short: give us more. Let us really wring the emotion out of the process of your fixation/resolution.

Of course, that's just a suggestion; poetry can be very personal, and I don't mean to impose on the inspiration that brought this to life.

This review offered by
Jeffrey
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#4824671

Review of My Obsession with Gargantuan Words

Review by Jeffrey Meyer

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Mason,

This is actually very common! I'm known to use five-dollar words when a couple two-dollar words would work just fine. Sometimes words just feel good to say. One of my favorite larger words is "disenfranchisement." It might be the perfect word, but it's not right for my audience. "Locked out of the system" means the same thing (mostly), and gets the point across...but I really like to say "disenfranchisement!"

And that's another thing about being a lexicographer or bibliophile: we want to use the exactly right word or phrase.

~ "I did my due diligence." NO YOU DIDN'T! You performed a task with due diligence!

~ "The proof is in the pudding." ARGHG! Evidence of the prowess of the maker of the pudding can fairly accurately be assessedby the satisfaction of those eating the pudding. Put shortly, though not as technically and exactly: the proof of the pudding is in the eating.

In fifth grade, I used a lot of 8th grade words in our vocabulary projects. My teacher actually told me to use simpler words because the rest of the class wasn't understanding. That's a true story. She made me use "the body of the plane" instead of "the fuselage." I had to dumb down to the rest of the class's level.

The frustration of this need to communicate in the low-brow vernacular can be very frustrating, even isolating. People can develop a negative opinion of us: "He's one of those word-snobs; don't talk to him."

A playful poem about being a wordsmith is important to release some of that frustration in a positive way, as opposed to informing one's community that they are a coalition of cretins, destined to marginalize quality communication and dialog.

Perhaps another poem, composed of just the right five-dollar words for a topic would be fun to write; I know it would be fun to read!

Whatever it is you choose to share with us, my friend—write on!

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#4824528

Review of The Luster of Loneliness

Review by Jeffrey Meyer

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Xenos,

This is quite the treatise on loneliness and spirituality. You draw the reader from what is into what very well could be. Although the emphasis on a Creator is biased, that fits this piece. This is not exactly an article, as I read it; rather it is more of an op-ed, or even a persuasive piece.

I can't say I agree with your text, but I very much appreciate the way you've worded it.

"Asking God for the meaning of life is like the Mona Lisa asking Da Vinci for the meaning of her canvas."

Yes! That such an apt analogy! And I say the answer DaVinci would give is: So that I might create you for my own reasons, not yours. Well, not to be too argumentative, but that's a bit selfish, and not something I am drawn to for guidance and worship.

Why do I slip that little jab in? To demonstrate that your essay has gotten my attention and made me think. It has encouraged me to ponder my own feelings and beliefs, contrast them against your postulations, and reevaluate—or not—where I stand. You have made me think, and I am wont to tell people in my reviews how important that is in writing. Don't complain; explain.

From a point of criticism, there's not much I have to offer—just three things, really.

~ Consider using a larger font. I recommend 3.5 or 4. I'm not exactly old yet...but my eyes aren't the best anymore, and reading the small print was a bit laborious.

~ Trim. Trim, trim, trim. In this reader's opinion, 2/3 of this could be culled without sacrificing your point and its support. I suggest you try to be more concise. My attention started top flag a couple of times, but maybe that's because of the 10-second-attention-span world in which we live. Still, sometimes brevity is a strength.

~ Be careful using phrases like "Soldiers of Solitude." It evokes the feeling of fantasy genres, and it can undermine the sincerity and reality of your work.

Overall, this was a vbery thoughtful and impressive piece of writing, Xenos. Well done.

This review offered by
Jeffrey
——————————

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#4824525

Review of A Silent Plea

Review by Jeffrey Meyer

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Jeannie,

Your poem is heartfelt, honest, and relatable. Even those of us who are still married have had periods of this general type—not your scenario specifically, mind you—of issue. My own marriage has been rocky, then smooth, then rocky again, etc. This is all to say that the voice of your poem is very identifiable for a reader.

The vocabulary you have chosen is simple, to the point, real. Eschewing simile and metaphor and employing everyday words, your poem is instantly accessible to a very wide range of readers.

One note of critique I will offer is to better employ punctuation. There are definite sentences in this poem, sometimes breaking in the middle of a line (which is a method in poetry that I love). Using more punctuation, especially full-stops (periods) would give your poem a more spoken, organic feel.

This personal, plaintive, vulnerable poem was a bittersweet pleasure to read. Nice work, my friend. Hoping this poem has brought you some catharsis...write on!

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14 days may be credited.

#4824354

Review of Thoughts

Review by Jeffrey Meyer

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Arnak,

I agree with some of these; others I vehemently disagree with. But I don't think agreement is the point here, or even discussion, really. I feel like this is more to provoke and challenge thought than anything else.

I think of these pieces as "Testimonials." That's not an official type or genre of poem, just how my mind classifies them. Testimonials are statements of fact or feeling, and usually omit embellishment via simile or metaphor. What they do offer is contrast and comparison. The lines are set in such a way as to give readers two or three or a set of images to ponder and consider. This is a Testimonial, to me.

Here's a great set of lines, as an example:

Israel is a Fascist apartheid state.
Pokemon and The Legend of Zelda are my favorite video game franchise's.
f*** Capitalism.

These three lines, to me, are a wonderfully positioned set of statements somewhat captures the fractured mindset of the world today. From state-of-the-world observation to video games in the blink of an eye, and then to socioeconomic idealism! It tells me, the reader, that we don't compartmentalize ourselves, that all of our thoughts are trampling one another, all the time. As a reader, just from these three example lines, I get to sit back and ask myself if my thinking is as non-linear as this.

I Identify with fox's, bearded vultures, wolves, crows, centipedes, snakes, caribou, elephants, bears, spiders, snails, salamanders, skinks, skunks, and crabs, millipedes, lions, tigers, cheetahs, cayote, ants, lizards, tardigrades, moths, caterpillars, cats, dogs, and rats.
Death is a new beginning, God help us.
I'm not done.

If one reads this piece out loud, it gets more and more frenetic, passionate, and urgent. As punctuation disappears halfway through, this develops an unhinged tone. Then, with these lines at the end, we get some very definite and non-traditional statements. "I do not desire to be connected to the human race; I want to shed my person-self; and I want to continue in a different state."

The repetition of Pokemon and God throughout this piece is so provocative! Two concepts could not be further apart nor more integrally interwoven into the American (american?) experience. It's just brilliant hos this dichotomy is expressed.

"American" brings up a subtle point, as well: in Line 18, "american" should be capitalized—unless, that is, you made it lowercase as a way of subtly hinting the ideal of America no longer warrants he distinction of a proper noun due to its perceived or actual decay. I'd love to know if that's intentional or not.

The last line, "I'm not done," has an almost foreboding tone to it. One could see this scrawled hastily on a paper bag before someone goes on a violent spree. (No offense intended.)

One quick note: in Line 25, "existence" is misspelled as "exitance."

I'm quite taken with this coyly intelligent "rant." I'm so glad you're not done, because that means you are all the more likely to Write On!

This review offered by
Jeffrey
——————————

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

Please note that my reviews are intended to be
respectful and encouraging.
If you feel I have been rude, cruel,
or otherwise inappropriate,
please report this review to a moderator.

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Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4824276

Review of Why i belive in dragons

Review by Jeffrey Meyer

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Szath,

This is an interesting piece. While it's not a technical term, I think if this your of piece as a "testimonial." There is little to no embellishment, only facts. But the facts are arranged in such a way as to provide contrasts, comparisons, and often even an overriding message.

Your overriding message is that it is not only still okay to believe, but that life is better when we believe. Is believing in unicorns so much different than believing in God? Belief is belief.

I would like to challenge you a little in this, and being such a reader as you are, I think you're up to it. My challenge is for you to make this into a free verse poem. Shed the unnecessary articles, pare down your sentences to the essential words. Arrange these thoughts so that they evoke and provoke memories and considerations in the reader's mind. Leave us with something to chew on.

I quite like this, my friend. If you do take my challenge, I hope to read the result. Either way... Write On!

This review offered by
Jeffrey
——————————

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

Please note that my reviews are intended to be
respectful and encouraging.
If you feel I have been rude, cruel,
or otherwise inappropriate,
please report this review to a moderator.