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1
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Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Dan,

Absolutely it's a threat. It's the only form of legal extortion left: do what I want or I'll do what I can to ruin your life by ending your days in office, Mr. Mayor! *Wink*

This was fun—well, for me anyway. The writer almost getting brained and then almost breaking a leg to avoid it, that was funny.

There's something about this lighthearted piece that is not so lighthearted, though. That's the reminder to the reader that community action is not someone else's job, it's all of our job. And rather than ranting across the dinner table, we need to speak directly to power about the issues we feel they need to address. Shame on me for complaining about the unsafe corner outside my house, because I've never written to the street department to fix it. (True story.) So there's a pill of reality and seriousness in this piece, and I respect that.

Nice piece, Dan!

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2
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Review of Pay Attention  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Alexis,

Wow, I am immediately reminded on e. e. cummings by this. This poem is not a giver—that is, it doesn't give its meaning away plainly. One has to think through this one for a moment. Well...I did, at least. And what I take away is a very interest message, quite counterintuitive to what we are often led to think: don't hold onto this moment. Embrace the moment as it comes, experience it as much as you can, and then let it go so that the next moment is fresh.

The use of the word "vanity" is interesting in this poem. It could represent the gloating graspiness we all seem to share, that urge to hoard things and say, "This is my memory!" Poetry is not always just a painting, though; sometimes it is a sharp tool. I would not be entirely surprised to find that the "vanity" spoken of in this poem is aimed at an individual of whom the casual reader is unaware.

I particularly like your use of negative space in the presentation of the poem. It has a fleeting feeling, a flowing feeling. The end seems to want to be let go, as though it's slipping downward like sand in an hourglass. Catching the eye is as important as catching the mind, as you demonstrate so well here.

The message I take from this is very intuitive and very true: don't try holding on too tightly to something you are enjoying right now, because you risk missing the enjoyment of things to come.

Very well done, Alexis.


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3
3
Review of Haiku  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Vera,

You present two very different poems here, both of them nice.

The first much more closely follows the Japanese "rules" of haiku, juxtaposing two images to create a statement. The rising of the sun symbolizing emerging life contrasts against the falling leaves, yet there is beauty in it. Very nice.

The second haiku less closely follows that pattern. In fact, one might question of this is really haiku at all, due to the repetition of an entire line. You may want to be careful there; that really does transgress the rules of the form.

This is a very enjoyable couplet of haiku. Enjoy the summer. And while you're at it—Write On!

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4
4
Review of Changing Tunes  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
I've an odd sense of humor. Along with "see ya later," amd "love you," I'll often tell my kids: "Wear clean underwear!" Hey—at least it entertains me! *Laugh*

I like this little conversation, particularly because it reminds me of the goofy little repartee we each have with our folks. It also reminds us that sometimes the things that don't matter actually DO.

--Jeffrey
5
5
Review of in the lamp light  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Emlyn,

This is quite a beautiful piece. Your choice of metaphor over simile lends something strong to this poem. Confidence, maybe? Permanence? I can't think exactly what it is, but by say "We are fireflies" instead of "we are like fireflies," something between the lines is intimated, giving the poem a sense of immediacy and now-ness. That might be a bad explanation, but isn't that what good poetry is? A way to express something we can't put our finger on and just don't have the exact right words for?

This was a nice poem. I will note one thing, however: this topic doesn't really fit the Limerick structure you've chosen. Of course there are few hard and fast rules in poetry, but Limericks are usually clever dirty jokes. Perhaps haiku or tanka would be good vehicles for future efforts in this style?

This was a beautiful image, and I'm glad I got to refresh my afternoon with it.


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6
6
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Well! We seem to have a schizophrenic Phantom on our hands. No wonder Barron felt threatened; he had some dim awareness of the other persona lurking in the back of his mind. One wonders if it was himself leaving the notes in the dressing room, the way it was Gregory Hines leaving voice messages to himself in Dead Air.

Gotta say, kudos to the detective for staying cool under pressure. Had I been the detective, I'd've pushed your story past 300 words because you would have had to have written in a change of pants for me!

Fun story.

--Jeffrey
7
7
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Angelica,

Well, I reckon this charachter is 25 now. I wonder if the birthday virus will find her this year?

This virus strikes us all when we're young. We talk about our birthdays and think about our birthdays and prepare for our birthdays incessantly. Yes! I can seem like a virus at times! Sometimes, we also look for signs (which may or may not be there) that we can read to portent success and tidings. I think the dialog this character holds with herself is very healthy, and the way she subconsciously unlocks her creativity through pseudo-numerology is a very clever ploy on the writer's part!

I love that the voice can be silenced with sweets. "There's a skinny guy inside me, screaming to get out...but I can usually shut him up with a handful of cookies!" I think that's my motto. *Shock*

Excellent work using nothing but dialog. I find this to be a challenge, so I recognize the effort you put in to keep it a smooth journey for the reader.

Even though I'm a year late to the party: Happy Birthday! *Wink*


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8
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Review of Paradise Awaits?  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Sci,

This is another admonishment to us individuals that the harder the work is, the greater the reward usually is. You have gone one step further, though, and I appreciate this: in the last line of the story, you use the character of Vivian to point out that, even though the trek was indeed very arduous, and the city is very beautiful, is not paradise. Just because the work is hard does not mean the prize will be perfect. I think we tend to fool ourselves into believing we will get more than what we want when we work for something. And as you demonstrate here, that just isn't the case.

There are some elements of your writing I encourage you to review and potentially edit, toward the goal of improving.

~ While I frequently advise writers to use a larger font, this choice may be a little over the top. Pear in mind that this is opinion; there's no rulebook anywhere saying what font you should use. But Size 5 Courier Bold makes the letters so big that the user has to scroll a lot to read the piece. I will admit, on the other hand, that it is easier to see. Again, this is an opinion.

~ More important than anything, the dialog is very stilted, very stiff. It reads as though English is not one's first language? Specifically, there are far too few contractions and pronouns. For instance:

“We’re going to continue toward our next destination,” answers Harold. “We should have enough gas to get to our next destination. After that, we don’t know how long it will take us to find more gas. It depends on how advanced this city is now.”

      Would read more smoothly as

“We’re going to continue the journey; we have to,” answers Harold. “We should have enough gas to get there, but after that, I don’t know how long it will take to find more. It depends on how modern this city is.”

I suggest using contractions more frequently, such as we're instead of we are, for example.

~ There was a part of the conversation with the family that seemed very odd to me. The conversation centering around the children's puberty and potential for sexual activity and parenthood seemed very, very far from a) any conversation that children that age would initiate, and b) so unrelated to the main story that it felt awkward and forced. I'm not advising that one censor this kind of conversation; there's nothing wrong with the topic at all. This conversation simply doesn't feel like it belongs here.

Sometimes writing itself can be just as much of a journey as the one Tracy and her family took, but in the end, I hope you will achieve the goal your reaching for, whatever it may be. To reach that goal, my friend: Write On!


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9
9
Review of Giffy  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Ooo, nice, Jacky! I was reminded by the hand snaking out of the television after Carol Anne sat there talking to it in Poltergeist. You built this up really well. There was tension throughout, but you let us sigh it out when Mom realized it was just a game, all is well, happy ending, noth—wait, what? What was that last line...?!

Great creepy ending. I loved it!


(The character in my submission was named Jimmy, as well. How's that for a creepy coincidence!)

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10
10
Review of Empty Chair  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Black Swan,

The need to be seen is universal; Maslow identifies it as one of the psychological needs of our species. However, as you demonstrate here, we are too often more concerned with our own need to be seen and recognized than others around us.

Using the metaphor of a chair is very apt—nice choice. A chair supports, offers rest, offers reach, takes up space but doesn't waste space. People use a chair without thinking about it—until it breaks. At that point, many people discard the chair; others try to fix it in the image they think the chair should exist. They take advantage of the chair. Being taken for granted for one's strengths when needed, ignored when not needed, and discarded when broken is borderline abusive.

Your poem doesn't dwell overmuch on the consequences, however. It is more an admonition to the reader that human beings are individuals, not chairs. It's more of a reminder than a cry for help.

I thought you repetition of the word "square" was interesting, as well. It seems to indicate we are all pawns in a massive game—a game none of us really understand. And you, as a chair, cannot move through this worldgame of your own volition; you must wait to be acted upon, to be used. You have come to define yourself (in this poem) as inanimate, dehumanized, useful only to others as and object, not an agent.

A couple of notes about the writing itself:

You might want to look for better wording in some spots. For example: "When feet are tired / Or the sun gets hired..." "Hired" means engaged in an activity for material or monetary compensation—the sun is free! While not a technical rhyme, the word "higher" would work just fine here, not sacrificing rhythm or rhyme to any significance.

Although punctuation in poetry is loosely governed, I would still suggest you add some punctuation so the readers knows when your thoughts and images stop. Remember, there's a big difference between: "I like cooking, my pets, and my family." vs "I like cooking my pets and my family." A little punctuation can go a long way!

This serves as a reminder to the reader very effectively, and it also calls one to think of how we move about in the world and how we define ourselves: passive (like a chair) or active (as someone whop sits in a chair). Nice writing, my friend. Continue to explore your role in the world: Write On!


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11
11
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Basken,

It sounds to me like you have a good grasp on today’s world view: who do I believe?!

I've heard the same story as you, although I heard it months ago. Fear mongering? Maybe a little, but I don't know that it was meant that way. She could have simply been doing what you are suggesting: talking about it.

As for news outlets, they have only ever been semi-trustworthy. Look how bad Greely smeared Abraham Lincoln during the Civil War! I will opine that social media news is even less reliable than network news. A big reason for that is lack of context. It' like sound bites - You could hear the pope say "The sky is falling." However, that could be a bigger part of a conversation where he says: "Some people think the sky is falling; but God won't let that happen." Reels are the same way—one snippet taken out of context (or deliberately skewed for likes and followers).

To get to the real story (not the reel story *Wink*), I suggest scouring as many sources as you can for the same topic. You'll get a more holistic view that way. And you should do that. That's how you're going to inherit this country and world—by keeping yourself informed enough to keep others informed.

There's a couple quick notes on the writing itself here. Here's a couple of examples. Moving forward, proofread yourself. Let spell-check help you. I always run everything through Microsoft Word before posting.

~ That first section could be broken into a couple or few paragraphs. It's pretty dense.

~ You've got some capitalization and punctuation issues, too. Example: "...media. just 30 minutes ago i saw..."

Identifying and correcting these kinds of mistakes is important because it can make or break the validity of your communication. If you write a letter to your Congressman that is misspelled, badly punctuated, and uses "U" instead of "you," for instance, that letter would be dismissed out of hand. But a well-written, thought-out letter that is organized and grammatically correct will at least get read.

You've got a good on you for just sixteen. You're already asking the right questions: Who do I believe and who can be trusted. Keep asking, keep looking...and keep writing!



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12
12
Review of Bus Stop  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Jacky,

I gotta say, I had this one earmarked as the winner. Having commuted in and out of Cincinnati from an outlying suburb for a few years, I was really able to identify with those first two paragraphs. (The rudest guy I met was a guy not just preaching but foisting his faith—not quietly—on everyone on the bus for a good twenty minutes. It was exhausting not turning into an A. H. myself! Alas! The bus!)

The way the speaker interacted with the con man was entertaining. Sometimes someone will tell a joke I've heard, but I play along so they can get the enjoyment of the punchline. That's how I saw "her" act with Not-So-Slick Rick. Setting him up at the end was keenly ironic.

Her silver-lining rationalization for continuing to ride the bus and save on car expenses was a great rounded, final ending.

Just a thoroughly written and entertaining piece, my friend. No offense to any of the other writers, but I think you won this one.



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13
13
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
"...The end is just the beginning..."

So sang Ronnie Dio & Co. And I think it's true. "There's got to be just more to it than this; / or tell me: why do we exist?" (Thanks to Messrs. Dickinson and Harris for that one.") It's so true, in fact, that we see it explored "in the boundless mosaic of faiths", each culture's music, paint, poetry.

Your writing, as you explore your concept of death, is comfortable to the reader. You use a lot of poetic phrases to shade the images with nuance, but you avoid metaphor, which can be as confusing as it can be enlightening. I think you made a good choice there: death is already confusing enough without wrapping it in a riddle.

You have a complete thematic arc, too. You begin by stating questions as uncertainties, as well as some observations and thoughts. You move on to a metaphysical contemplation, and then round it out with your own feelings—not just about death, but about dwelling on death. And in not dwelling on death, you remind us, we are free to dwell on the life God gave us, each according to his or her faith.

This is a unique take on a widely accessible topic of humanity. You've navigated me on a stable trip, and I'm happy to have arrived back on this side of the Styx with you. *Wink*


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14
14
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Warisha,

First off, let me tell you: this has inspired me to write my own poem of complaints—perhaps a list poem, as was mentioned in a recent newsletter ("Poetry Newsletter (May 28, 2025)Open in new Window.). It's always a compliment, I think, when you inspire someone else's writing with your own. *Smile*

Let's talk about your poem.

I like the way you organized it, with variations on the fact that the poem itself a list of complaints, reminding the reader that the theme is not the specific scenarios, but the list of them as a whole, which demonstrates an aspect of your own world view.

Your aaaa, bbbb, cccc... rhyme scheme is followed consistently throughout. It's not as easy as it looks, I know. Finding 4 words that all rhyme and fit the context of the stanza, without actually sacrificing the intent of the stanza for the rhyme is quite an exercise! While the rhymes are good, however, your rhythm is very uneven.

~ Now, there is a lot to work on with structure and word choice. You have several instances of plurality disagreement—for instance: "All of my perceptions wields the flag of destruction." In this case, the plural subject, perceptions, requires a plural form of the verb, wield. You have used wields, which would apply to a singular noun. The trees wield power; one flower wields power. There's quite a bit of this, but I'm not going to tear the poem apart to point them out; you get the gist.

~ There's problems with tense agreement, also. For instance, So how did my friend gained a victory vote? should read So how did my friend gain a victory vote? Again, several instances of this type of error.

~ Vocabulary. Hmm...this is a tricky one because poetry is so subjective and flexible. Layering multiple uses of a word can make vocabulary seem out of place at first, until the reader gains better understanding through context. In this case, however, much of the vocabulary is stilted, and the sentences don't flow right. Is it safe to observe that English is not your first language?

Again, this is a poem that makes the reader think of we and why we complain, as well as why and when we should not complain. It makes us think, and that is a sign of overall good writing.

Keep making us think, Warisha: Write On!

--Jeffrey


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15
15
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Schnujo,

As Metallica says: "You can do it your own way / if it's done just how I say!"

Who hasn't entertained this fantasy, ruling the world and having everything one's own way. But we never think of the consequences, do we? I don't mean consequences to others, though there are plenty of those. IO mean things like Boredom, frustration, stagnation. God, never having to work for anything would be so boring! Personally, I'd lose my mind. "We’ll all live in peace and in harmony."—and go absolutely bonkers! *Wink*

Okay...so where do we draw the line? Do we allow crime because it is interesting? Because it draws the contrast between good and bad? After all light is just glaring light; it takes a period of darkness to make light a welcome, saving grace.

Or personal property. We are granted permission to keep our rooms in whatever fashion we wish...but they will all have carpeting. One is getting mixed messages!

And what about punishments? Eating from a pouch while my pet lies on the couch...my friend, things ain't real far from that right now! We have twelve dog beds throughout the house plus their nighttime beds, which are directly next to us when we sleep at night. They are already in charge! But seriously, how does a benevolent dictator apply punishment? If we're all to live as a happy family, what happens if one person is punished and begins sowing seeds of dissent? Sounds eerily like the Lucifer effect!

This was a fun write, and surprisingly thought-provoking. While there is a lot of unnecessary evil in the world, one has to evaluate to what extent the sweet sugar of total peace would turn to sand in the belly of boring existence.

--Jeffrey



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16
16
Review of Keeper of Absence  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Enthusiasm,

My word, what an ode to PTSD, the wastefulness of war, the loss of a remembered innocence. I am immediately reminded of 3 other works by this poem, in order:

~ Metallica: For Whom the Bell Tolls
~ Eric Maria Remarque: All Quiet on the Western Front
~ Bruce Springsteen: The Nothing Man
~ (Throw in Pink Floyd's Our Possible Pasts for a bonus.)

Now, those are all pieces that speak deeply to me (especially the last one, for reasons we won't discuss). When writing references back to other cutting pieces, it is doubly effective.

Before I talk more about the writing, let me congratulate you on your choice of presentation. The font is monospaced, uniform, just like the soldier is. By the numbers, all the same width and height. Perfect representation.

Your first line is so intelligent, the following stanza setting up the contrast of the rest of the poem exquisitely. It lulls the reader into a false sense of security—much like a child's.

That third stanza is a punishment the reader has to bear with the soldier in the poem. Such apt observations of the distortion PTSD brings on. "The hush of fields? It holds the ambush dread." For some reason, that's the one that got to me. Probably because I love evening walks. To have them permanently spoiled would be a living damnation.

If there's anything worse than the PTSD, it's knowing one has PTSD. This soldier knows something is wrong with him, knows there is peace that can be found...knows he is locked out from it forever. That would be soul-crushing. Oh, and hey, while we're having some PTSD, let's throw a little survivor's guilt in there, too: "The living soldier bears the bitter cost." It so true! (Nothing Man speaks directly to that.)

This is not one of your layered, emotionally complex stories. This is stark—as stark as battle. This is brutal, glaring, defeating. It hits us with its baldness because it has to. We need to know, we need to be reminded, we—both sides, us and the "enemy"— need to understand the socially rotting futility of feeding our kids into the grinder for economical ideals and boundaries on a map.

Excellent writing, sir.

--Jeffrey


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17
17
Review of Saturday  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Jacky,

Well...? What did he make?! Guess we have to wait for the next installment to find out, eh? *Wink*

Stories about the quirks and foibles of our kids never seem to get old. I like the young man's industrious nature!

You've got some tense-agreement issues in the first paragraph you might want to take a look at; just a note.

Fun piece!

--Jeffrey
18
18
Review of Me Vs Me  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Derrick,

This is very intriguing. I wonder what kinds of questions I would ask my older self.

Usually, I have seen such stories or poems based around what the older would say to the younger, almost a monologue. "I would tell myself not to invest in love until his twenties." The questions your younger self asked you almost seemed like an interrogation, like there was a tightly restrained hostility in them. That might be because of the rapid-fire way they were written, so close together. I'm not sure that was your intent, but it came across that way to me.

The almost disjointed answers in the third strophe made it seem like the older self was caught off-guard by the questions. For some reason, that had a realistic feel to it, lending the poem credibility instead of just parable-ness.

Thew second-to-last "stanza" made me tilt my head. Is this to say we should omit the truths if they are about death? Darkness? It almost seemed like the older self was reminding himself to blow sunshine up the kid's—nose. Rather than the truth: "No, Grandpa still thinks I'm a lazy and headed in the wrong direction with my job."

The last 2 lines are very abrupt. Is the speaker insinuating that as one ages, only work matters? Kinda feels that way, and sentiment is certainly true in too many cases.

There are a lot of thoughtful bits in this dialog with yourself. In either direction, go easy on yourself; you deserve it. And once you're at peace—Write On!

--Jeffrey



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19
19
Review of I Hate  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Adonis,

Unrequited love is one of the most painful and hollowing feelings, I think. It is theorized that much of Elton John's work up the late 90's was based on his unrequited love for his longtime collaborator Bernie Taupin. Your poem is one more piece of evidence how strongly this emotion spills into our creativity.

The juxtaposition of hating the need for someone else's love is intriguing. Rather similar to Joan Jett's "Hate Myself for Loving You," it's a great expression for obsession, or even addiction: we know it's bad for us, but we can't seem to live without it.

I also found your descriptions of the love interest to be interesting. In the first two thirds of the poem, the speaker could have been referring to a marble statue, perhaps David. Does this mean he sets the object of his love on a pedestal, unattainable and unreachable, yet uncontrollably desired?

If I may make a suggestion: consider pruning a bit. Find words that can be removed to make it even tighter, less speechy. For example:

"Everyone watches you, like you’re the most amazing thing they’ve ever seen. Yet somehow, you look at me like you understand what I feel"

          could be distilled down to:

"Everyone watches you, the most amazing they’ve ever seen. Yet somehow, your look understands what I feel"

Tightening the text concentrates the punch, often times.

This is a an emotional poem that is charged with thoughtful points and courses. Very nicely done.

--Jeffrey


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20
20
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Lonewolf,

I don't really like this chick, brother. She's kind of a witch. Oh wait—she really is a witch. Bitch.

Your description of the forest with various shades of green vocabulary helps the reader once again immerse himself in the story. I really like the exchange:

"The Seal is not yours to claim"

"It is not yours to hoard."

It seems to have many applications in real life, too. We get so wrapped up in what we think is ours, we forget to ask ourselves if we really are meant to own it, or if we are simply being allowed to share it by Nature.

Nice incorporation of the prompts, too.

Quick story (as though you care). When I was growing up, Mom never pulled punches with vocabulary. She wasn't deliberately obnoxious with it, but she always used the right word for things. If we didn’t understand, she'd help us look it up. In fifth grade, we had vocabulary exercises where we had to write a sentence correctly using each vocabulary word. It was intensely boring to me, so I did what you've done: created a serial story using the vocabulary words in sentences, and putting the sentences into narrative paragraphs that carries week to week. My teacher actually told me to stop doing it because I was also using words above my grade level and it was confusing the rest of the class. Instead of raising standards for everyone, Mrs. Most made me dumb my work down for the rest of the class! *Shock2*

This is to offer how much I appreciate your serial work from several different perspectives.

Congrats on the win!

--Jeffrey


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21
21
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Lonewolf,

Wow! You really set a great opening scene! This was full of great phrases and images for me:

~ "Voice of the Drowned Saints" How backward-looking and mysterious. Frank Herbert was excellent at this in the Dune series; I love it.

~ "Ash Feathers", " each syllable a dagger in the skin of the world." Brilliantly eerie images. The reader is immersed in the dark eeriness of the scene.

~ "...every motion deliberate and eerie in its calm." Like when the strong man slowly turns to face his aggressor and the aggressor all but soils himself, this sort of controlled power is such a great tool for building tension.

I'm hooked. Even though I have sort of grown away from fantasy stories, I'm eager to continue this one!

--Jeffrey


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22
22
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Enthusiasm,

This is a murky, greasy piece of writing. A tale of abuse and redemption, it nonetheless follows a dark course on its way to the light—and even then, the light is dim and gray.

Beginning with a father trying to murder his son—almost, but not quite, dedicated to breaking the young boy's spirit, in any case—the protagonist is defined by survival, and a certain type of resurrection. Once again, there are hints of socioreligious perspective sprinkled throughout, seeming to suggest that religion, and maybe even God, are simply constructs of the human species—that we carry salvation and redemption inside us.

The work is layered in incredible imagery and philosophy:

~ "He knows the weight of broken things." The emotional baggage that unresolved situations symbolize is nicely captured in this line.

~ "Why are you here? he doesn’t ask." With your usual flair, you emphasize the impact of something by defining its negative space. The isolation of Evander is demonstrated by his reluctance to speak more than a few words—and those simple words were enough of a task for him. Silas' silence reiterates the theme of isolation, which is also woven through this story.

~ "...this drowned woman whose shape stutters between flesh and floodwater..." Impermanence is studied several times, as well as your recurring theme of water as an implacable force. Evander somehow survived his own drowning, but he sees here how easily distorted the human condition can become, and how it can be washed away into entropy by the act of one angry man.

~ "Justice is a raft...But truth—truth is the current." You redefine concepts for the reader, forcing us to think along different lines and perspectives. Like a poem, we need to read between your lines to reflect on our own perspectives and meet the challenge of creeping along new ones to see what light or darkness there could also be. Evander sets the example for us as "He bears witness" to redemption amid the wreckage.

Impermanence is alluded to several times, and each seems to hold its own context, its own message—each reader is invited to understand in their own way.

~ The bleeding REPENT sign speaks to salvation through bitter trials. Layered on this is the blood of Christ, the salvation for which the penitent must reach. Overall, however, is the concept that that salvation is watery, unable to be captured and held. Penance and salvation are constant actions, not goals to be attained and sat upon.

~ Silas' wavering outline evokes similar concepts. The direction toward justice is never clearly defined. We have to pick it up where we find it, follow the trails and trials, and deal with the results as best we can; and we are not always the hero, just a means to an end.

Some terrific phrases again demonstrate your ability to layer meanings to conserve words.

~ "All the buried things. Fighting their way up." The truth will out, in other words.

~ "Curled like a question mark." / "Where ferns uncurl." Death can be hidden in mystery; but laying the evidence in the light allows life (represented by ferns) to resolve the question mark into something readable and actionable.

~ "Tectonic." This one word was pivotal to me, mind-shaking. The discovery of truth moves continents in the liminal realm, and the metaphor that it shifts the human consciousness permanently to another position is brilliant.

~ "Festering." The truth is not comfortable, and all the repressed facts we bottle up will eventually come to the surface if we truly wish to "survive"...but it's gonna hurt like a bitch.
The ending is particularly satisfying to me for the specific reason that it is unsatisfying. The hero doesn't win. There's no medals, no sighs of relief. Just more searching—for justice, for truth, for survival. It's genius, because that's life. We find out, we discover, we uncover; and then we go on with our gray lives, nothing special, nothing new, nothing true. It's genius because it reminds the reader that we are all Evander, having survived out own drownings in one way or another, and we are all on the prowl for something worthwhile to do.

I had a couple of questions outstanding, though. Perhaps they don't have ant importance, but maybe they do; I'd love to know more.
~ Silas. What's the significance of the name? Instead of gold, what is she hoarding?

~ Why the repeated references to grease and oil and diesel. Just to emphasize the filth of existence? To illustrate how easy it is for things to slip through our grasp?

~ When did Evander drown again? He downed for the first time at his father's hands. That implies he drowned again, or is going to drown. This loose end bothers me. Maybe it's supposed to...?

Despite the few open-ended items above, this is a gruesome look at the search for truth, redemption, penance, and salvation. Well done, my friend. Well done.

--Jeffrey


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23
23
Review of On the Other Side  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)

Joey,

Sometimes I'm late to the party when randomly reviewing my fellow writers' works. This one is a nice ode to an emotion. It got me thinking, though (which is a sign of good writing, of course!), whether an ode to an emotion elevates the emotion itself above the person or thing for which that emotion is felt. For instance, if I were missing a woman named Sarah:

Should I write a poem to Sarah? Should I write a poem about Sarah? Or do I write a poem about my love for Sarah? Are they the same, or is my love something entirely different than the person?

It's strange, isn't it—the very different thoughts poetry brings to different readers? But what is not strange is what this poem meant to the writer: longing for someone he loves.

I do have one quick note/question: why did you choose to break the rhyme scheme in line 14? Just curious.

Though the waves may roll between us a vast span,
I carry her with me in every breath I take.
Across the Atlantic, my love for her does roam,
An ocean between us, but in dreams, she's home.


This was a very sweet poem. Being a couple years late to see it, I hope you have since been reunited with your love.

--Jeffrey


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24
24
Review of Him  Open in new Window.
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)

Swan,

This is interesting to me. There is more here than "Holy cow, that's the dude whose heart I broke!" A lot more from where I'm sitting.

I get the feeling that the speaker in this poem—you—has not fully resolved the termination of the relationship. The panic you describe at seeing him again suggests, at first, one of two things: either you are afraid of him, or you still have feelings for him. "My mouth spits out / Freaked out silent shouts..." One wonders to whom it was more difficult for you to speak: him or yourself?

Of course we see soon that you are not afraid of him...but there are clues that you might be afraid of the past. "If only I can think / Of anything but a drink..." It seems the memories are still volatile even four years later, and that you have chosen to deal with this situation in unhealthy ways, leaving you unarmed for this emotional encounter.

You perceive pain in his expression, and silently repent for the past...but then it turns out he's only saying it's good to see you. He's not actually hurting at all—just you. And we are left to interpret that that is what hurts more: that he has gotten over something you have not. In that way, one is reminded of Adele's "Hello."

Sometimes the right thing hurts, and it goes on hurting even when everyone else is okay. This poem seems to show that's the case for you, about "him."

Switching gears to talk about the writing itself, there were some spots in this poem that could use some refinement, in my opinion.

~ "I wonder if he’s nothing but a fly..." I struggle to make sense of this. I think it means you are in disbelief that it is really him, but there's not much clarity. This line sticks out because it is less mature than the lines around it.

~ "This pain of thine" does not fit the rest of the poem's vocabulary or presentation. I understand you needed to rhyme against "time," but I would encourage you to find a way to rework that line so it is not in such an archaic form.

~ The rhyme scheme changes for stanza 5 only. That's very odd.
     s1: aabb
     s2: ccdd
     s3: eeff
     s4: gghh
     s5: ijij
     s6: kkll...

This poem reminds the reader the past is never really closed, nothing is ever really resolved. We all have our own private little wars on semi-permanent cease-fire, everyone safe...until the combatants see each other again. Even if just to say: "It's good to see you."

It will be good to see more of your writing in our community, that's for sure. So please...Write On!

--Jeffrey


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25
25
Review by Jeffrey Meyer Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Raed,

This is an interesting combination of metaphors here. The family of traits, the circus performer, and the wild horse. One can see the fire-juggling tightrope walker taking his act to perform it on the back of a wild horse, barely held in check. But, while the character traits are essential to the point of the poem—heck, for the existence of the poem—the metaphor of them as family members doesn't seem to fit quite right to me.

Having gotten my only negative criticism out of the way, I want to focus on a couple of the highlights I find here.

~ For one, you really capture the concept of hyper-vigilance—"He must live every day watching the rope, / testing his grip, / containing the fire." This is a skill that is a two-edged sword. It is interesting that you mention fire in this metaphor, because constant hyper-vigilance can burn a person out. Been there, done that, unfortunately. I really felt that line; great wording.

~ "He must hold the beauty...while honouring the danger..." Super-zen concept here! Everything is this/that, black/white, give/take...beauty/danger. I love the concept of "honouring" the danger. That's even better than respecting it. Double-marks on wording again!

This poem is about self-efficacy, but is it perhaps even more about balance? I will be so bold as to assert that the poem reads essentially the same even if you omit the references to the family; in a more extreme view, you might even be able to omit the negative traits themselves, leaning on the reader's understanding to fill in the implied blanks.

This is a powerful poem, no doubt about it, and is indeed balanced and juggled rather well. I hope we get to see more of your work out in the wild plains of the WdC as you Write On!

--Jeffrey


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