This is a very interesting story with a great premise.
What I really liked. The hotel scene between main character and backwards hat man was terrific. The scene description, the mood, and the tone are all strong. And, the dialogue was very on point. You really made the reader feel like they are there in the room with them. It isn't straight forward and the backwards hat man speaking in riddles was a good addition. I found myself trying to guess and figure out what he meant. It made the story very interesting. Also, there was plenty of foreshadowing so that I was compelled to read on to the end. Great Job.
Here are some items I got hung up on. In the end, I have to admit I was a little confused about what happened. I think that maybe the whole murder was a dream and he really just fell asleep in his car and then drove away, perhaps leaving his wife for good. But I wasn't quite sure. Maybe he really did commit the murder but was flashing back in the end when he waved at her. This might have been your intent - keep us guessing, but I would have liked some more clarity when we shifted after the police came into the room.
Also some of the descriptions of light, fangs, etc., for the backwards hat man didn't quite seem to mesh with the rest of his description. I wasn't sure if he was changing (as a spirit might), or if it was just different views of this man. Ultimately, maybe the whole thing was a hallucination of sorts.
Finally, the first part of the story - seemed more telling than showing. In other words, it was harder for me to be in the scene with the story. The backstory, description of the job, description of the drive home, and even the murder, I think could be made more real by putting your reader in those scenes as they are happening. As in - I unloaded my 16th pallet from the forklift, finally ready to call it a night - vs. I had a dead end job and this is what I did. Or, "as I walked into my house, I remembered........ " Could be written such that we are in the house with them watching the murder unfold - Then, it's fine if afterwards, the character, "doesn't remember any of it."
All these are just thoughts. Hope they help. Great story and thanks for the read.
The darkness of the story was appealing. I especially got a great feel for the alley and I can picture the man sitting there all alone. Also, I liked the flashback to the man leaving. I thought the tear on the photo, the family, and the man leaving worked well.
Suggestions:
The description of the man himself was almost too much. In the beginning, the scruffy hair and scruffy beard made me think he'd been out for a long time. But the story felt more like he left recently. The idea of him leaving recently and pretty quickly recognizing his mistake makes him more real to me. If he's really been gone a long time, seems like he really couldn't just stumble home.
A nice, vivid piece. What I liked was the overall feel of the story and its tone. Made me think of times I've connected with nature and used the time to sort out my thoughts. I can really picture the boy wandering through the woods with the girl on his mind. The third paragraph, I think, is really good and the best writing of the story. Parallel universe, perfect silence, millions of crystals, all give meaning and great texture to the descriptions. Well done here. Here are a few suggestions to consider. First, I think something is lost by not revealling the girl earlier. By waiting, we just have the imagery of the scene. There's a lot of great connection between that and a "first love" but we don't get it until the end. Consider something like, "The beautiful eyes of the girl were on his mind as he walked through the woods down the path." Link the two beautiful things. Also, I thought the reference to the minutes until sunrise was distracting. I was lost in the imagery and then that sentence kept bringing me back to reality when I didn't want to. Finally, in the same vein, I think the first paragraph doesn't add to the story. The beginning of the walk is what grabs my attention, not the getting out of bed.
Thanks for sharing this. Keep it up the good work.
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