A thought provoking and a poem with excellent prosody. Brilliantly written, especially I admire your ability to highlight the contrast of two birds in similar environment, the crest and trough of a wave of dreams and hopes. I really enjoyed reading this
Thanks for changing the color of the font. I suffer from "Best disease" which made it difficult for me to read the poem and may be I came to your poem in the first place seeking determination and dreams, instead I met with the almost invisible letters. I was not only annoyed but in a way, felt cheated. Hope you will understand. At this moment I am simply overjoyed at reading this beautiful poem.
I see a lot of scope for improvement in this poem.
[Constant] moaning of[ heart's] unrest [is driving ] me to distraction.
The repetition of [She] in almost every line,
for e.g. the line may be reframed as: No one can tell her any different as she is set on grandiose pretension [and] roams the hall in wisp of silk; her tearstained face drawn and ashen.
As I understand unrequited Love is a tremendous individual pain that remains shrouded in a dense fog which doesn't hamper movement yet blinds the distant scenic landscape from view. There is frustration at being lost in this maze with the image of paradise looming within. Reality is the fog and paradise the illusion.
A forced rhyme is symbolic of the poet's clarity on what she is trying to achieve which is contrary to the frustrations of unrequited love where one is very unsure of where he or she is heading to i.e. when the pain will end.
If you can write these line in free verse and can show rather than tell about the frustrations you would feel much more calm at heart at your ordeal.
Keep writing, and all the best.
Please note: This is not a comment on your personal life but only in the context of the poem. Too often I have been misconstrued.
There is a sweet sound to your poem. More like an resolve to see beyond the years in verse. The best stanza would be the last one where you emphasize upon your leaving and it creates an aura of calm around your thoughts.
beautiful poem.
here are a few things I felt you may give a thought to.
boys 2 boy's
come and gone 2 come and go.
Repetition in the idea of placing the bags..
Pleasure reading and reviewing your captivating poem.
Thanks
Rubin
I have a penchant for reading poems that ignites the mind, give our thoughts a new direction, a sense.
"without gravity flying wouldn't have been as much fun or even challenging. I feel everything has purpose to fulfill even if we may or may not appreciate it. "
Do keep writing and explore the nadir of your mind.
Hello
Nice poem.
I think patience is a great virtue to aspire to. We are all alone in our path, however our paths do cross each other's and we believe the crossroads is our destination, hence we stop, only to realize we have miles to go and many a crossroads to cover. So keep writing, keep moving. My best wishes are with you.
"Betryal" does not exist, betrayal does and you ought to keep an eye on it.
A very beautiful poem with a soft delightful feel to it.
However I feel the word "that" is imposing on the poem. If you get rid of "that" the poem will carry a refined sound to it without impacting the meaning of the poem whatsoever. Just ask yourself, do you really need that word?
So far, this is the best poem of the day.
Do cry my friend, but only when you take up the pen. For words, I believe are the reflections that roil out of our sadness when we write. When the heart exercises there is bound to be sweat via our eyes. And I can tell you, your sweat is soft perfume. There is a soothing fragrance in your writing. Last two lines are memorable. So cry a bit and write a lot. :)
beautifully written , you have captured the essence of shadows in its most sincere form. :)
It evokes an understanding that sometimes shadows and silence have the loudest voice.
The rhyme scheme is a purple corset too tight,
overpowering the poems breathing delight
the bosom seems to bursts through the seam
and the poem is obscurely erudite.
In the guise of the children's plight there is a strong emotional undercurrent. You have achieved the desire impact a poem should have with words. Very well written. I am honestly impressed.
Your article is deeply passionate and resounding in its effect. I feel your effort to capture this moments is comparable to a man who is aiming the thread to insert into the needle's hole. So delicate and precise. Keep it up. It made me remember this real life experience abt an old man.
"The train thawed and whistled into the night, heaving a long trail of smoke, an old man’s eyes searched for certain signs to recognize the station about to come. Seated to one corner of the compartment, he supported his chin on the palm of his left hand as his elbow rested firmly upon the fringe of the window. Through this window came the sharp sting of the chilled wind that had filled the forest outside. Yet, he did not mind the discomfort. He did not even feel discomforted. He was lost in oblivion. His eyes kept turning upon the myriads of landscape that vanished into the shadow of the gleaming moon.
He marveled at the moon, its beautiful spherical shape and contoured blemishes upon the surface.
May be he was trying to search for the reflection of his past upon its blemished surface. Or may It was just me trying to draw the painting of my own future on that reflection."
I see potential in your writing, however somehow I feel the words do not fathom the gamut of feelings that's going through your mind. You must explore into the depth of your feelings and god bless you will touch the zenith in your writing. Keep writing, i would love to read more from you.
Beautiful poem,
Keep it up.
Reminds me of my village and the beautiful stream that passed near by, where fishing and playing in the mud was a regular entertainment.
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