DS's (donseptico) Reviews

DS

Review Requests: ON

241 Public Reviews Given

245 Total Reviews Given

1

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#4831977

Review of On The Road

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (4.0)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hi!

Well this is a rather familiar scene...

The dialogue effectively captures the tension and frustration between the long-suffering husband and wife. The back-and-forth is lively and realistic, and showcases their contrasting personalities.

The woman’s exasperation and the man’s stubbornness are vividly, and humorously portrayed, making the reader feel the mounting pressure of their situation. The juxtaposition of the man's 'overconfidence' in his navigation skills, and his wife's mounting panic created a comedic tension that kept me engaged. The blend of humour with relatable conflict making the narrative thoroughly enjoyable.

That said: The dialogue, while engaging, tends to drag on, leading to a sense of repetitiveness. The characters’ arguments could be more concise, allowing for a more dynamic flow. For example, the woman’s lamentations about being late could be streamlined to maintain momentum and avoid redundancy.

To enhance the pacing, consider condensing the dialogue by removing repetitive phrases and focusing on the most impactful lines. For instance, instead of having the woman repeatedly express her frustration about being late, a single, powerful statement could encapsulate her feelings: “If you don’t ask for directions, we’ll be late, and Betha will blame me!”

Thereafter have her drop into 'stony silence', show don't tell her continuing displeasure (sighs, tuts, eyerolls, clenched fists, etc), maybe a little internal monologue... This would maintain the emotional weight while keeping the dialogue snappy.

At least until the reveal ;)

***

Overall, I would rate "On The Road" 4 out of 5. The engaging dialogue and humour are strong points, but the pacing issues detract a little. With some tightening of the dialogue, it could become a more compelling read.

Incidentally: ▼

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#4831941

Review of Field Trip to Earth

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (4.0)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hi!

This is a charming, childlike first-person recount of an alien’s first day on Earth. The narrator’s fresh-eyed perspective turns ordinary details (walking, shadows, ice cream) into small wonders, and the tone is warm, humorous and innocent.

The alien’s naïve, descriptive tone is consistently engaging and believable; it gives the piece personality and keeps the reader smiling. You make good use of sensory detail: sights, sounds and tactile reactions (the sun’s warmth, the wind’s music, the cold of the ice cream) to bring scenes to life without heavy exposition.

Notwithstanding which, a few (very) small things do stand out in the narrative:

-The names could probably be a little more 'alien', as the students aren't human-like.
-Pam's 'voice' sound a little unnatural in places - fine if deliberate, but you may wish to consider little changes like "We landed in.." (instead of 'Our starship landed in...'), and "I'm sending this..." (instead of I am sending this...)

While some lines could be significantly tightened:

e.g. "The vibrations that our bodies felt through the vehicle felt different on the black, paved road than it did on the brown sand." --> It felt very different driving on the road than in the sand, our teacher explained that...

e.g. "Humans have legs with feet... <snip> ...a standing position. --> Humans have small feet at the ends of long legs; I marvelled that such small things could hold a whole body upright!

The latter example keeps Pam's wonder but removes the redundant explanation, improving flow and tone.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4831936

Review of Rate Yourself!

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (4.0)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hi!

At first glance, one might think there's not much substance to a poll, and a review might be frivolous given this and your disinclination to make alterations however, 'Rate yourself' (and its results) have hidden depths that, for me make it a fascinating study into your respondents' mindsets.

They say first impressions are important - they're also very 'surface level'. It's clear, concise, simple, and immediately engaging.

Although self-evident, I notice you label the poll as 'for your own amusement' and exhort your respondents to be honest. This both maximises the reduction in social desirability bias ▼ , whilst signalling your expectation of, or maybe hope for, honest self-reflection?

I won't disclose the poll results here to preserve future respondents' independence and prevent anchoring however, I will say that the responses appear to fall much more closely with those that I suspect you might have expected: People, myself included, often rate their abilities as being better than would an objective observer (because of a combination of cognitive biases ▼ which distort self-assessment) whilst avoiding the 'best' and 'worst' ratings - I believe your poll and its responses amply illustrate this effect.

All that said, might I suggest a follow up piece reviewing and analysing the patterns you observe from your respondents?

***

Side note: Your stated belief that changes might skew the results is, probably, unfounded. As the wider site now commonly uses half-stars, many respondents mentally map their self-rating to that finer granularity; forcing them into a coarser 5-point choice produces rounding bias and reduces precision going forwards... but it's been many a year since I sat in a lecture hall ;)

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#4831925

Review of Smoother Brains Are Better

Review by DS

Rated: ASR

| (3.5)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hi!

Fair warning, I find reviewing poetry hard, but my subjective tuppence' worth follows:

First impressions are good - an easy to follow narrative arc (rise, claim, public triumph, ironic fall) that's instantly familiar - we all know someone at least a little like that, no?

For me, the poem's diction and syntax sometimes feel awkward and uneven, possibly by design given the use of enjambment. This, however, weakens rhythm and clarity - disrupting reading flow.

Something I like to do is recombine enjambed lines to read for clarity and flow...

For example:

"He'd been dashing for decades, made several
inane discoveries, proclaimed his own
hypotheses and argued them to theories."

--> He'd been dashing for decades, made several inane discoveries, proclaimed his own hypotheses and argued them to theories.

It's a bit 'clunky':

"dashing" feels misaligned with the tone, "argued them to theories" feels awkward.

Potential improvement: choose tighter, more idiomatic verbs; rearrange for flow...

For decades he'd studied, made several inane discoveries, presented hypotheses and forged them into laws.

-->For decades he'd studied, made
several inane discoveries, presented hypotheses,
and forged them into laws.

This preserves meaning while improving cadence and lexis.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

5

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#4831924

Review of Code Talkers

Review by DS

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hi!

They say first impressions are important - you don't disappoint. Clearly set out with good visual interest.

What did I like most? We're immediately thrown into the action, with a clear, engaging depiction of combat: short sentences, sensory details (humidity, salt, sand spray, fractured rock) and precise military movements create a convincing, dynamic scene. The reader can't help but feel the pace and stakes; the Amtrac landing, the scramble to cover, the radio calls and flanking manoeuvre are all efficiently staged.

One other thing it does well is anchoring the characters through small, concrete details. Naming the protagonists and noting tribal background, the heavy radio kit, the sergeant’s touch, and the lieutenants’ terse speech give readers quick, readable entry points into who these men are and how they relate to one another. The use of Navajo radio traffic as a plot device mirrors history lending an air of believability to the narrative.

The dialogue comes thick and fast in the heat of the action, but flows well and reads authentically.

***

That said, he prose oscillates between utilitarian reportage and occasional clumsy phrasing (“They were loaded down with communications equipment, specifically heavy duty radios, telephone wire, tools, and their M1 Garand rifle.”) and relies on telling rather than showing for honour, pride and cultural context. Jacy’s identity as a Navajo is asserted but rarely felt beyond the use of language; the story misses opportunities to explore how his cultural perspective shapes his reactions, fears or decisions.

Small, related note... equipment, radios, wire, tools, rifleS (two men, two rifles).

While, I suspect, your writing was at least in part influenced by a word limit, you could incorporate this in places such as:

Original: “Jacy nodded, proud of the work he’d done with Kele, and proud that his language had played a pivotal part in winning the battle.”

Revision suggestion: “Jacy let the radio fall silent and felt an unfamiliar quiet settle in his chest. Pride rose slow and steady, not the loud, brittle thing he’d been taught to hide, but a warm knot under his ribs — his father’s voice at dawn, the old songs, the tongue that had kept stories alive now steering men through gunfire. He didn’t need the lieutenants’ praise; the radio’s hiss and Kele’s clipped answer were enough.”

Which shows, rather than tells; links pride to cultural memory; and deepens emotional stakes.

Small, related note: you could also tighten some military detail where it reads like a checklist (and shouldn't it be Lieutenant be abbreviated as Lt.?)

PS Excuse British spellings!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4831857

Review of How to make Egg Tempera Paint

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (4.0)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hi!

First impressions are important - unfortunately, unlike the instructions themselves, the layout of your opening section rather resembles a wall of text: On the bright side, it's an easy fix. (Did you, perchance, upload a document? I've seen it mangle more than a few submissions doing that!)

That aside, the introduction is fun and informative but, a few small points:

The colored powder, or “pigment”... -- The colored powder (pigment)...

...it “oxidizes”, or rusts... -- ...it 'rusts' (oxidizes), just like...

Reason: it gives the plain phrase first for readability and flow, then the parenthetical clarification for precision without interrupting the sentence.

You can use two rocks, or a "Mortar and Pestle... -- You can use a mortar and pestle, or even a couple of rocks, to do this.

Reason: lowercase common noun phrase with article reads naturally in prose; capitalize only if it's a heading or brand. Rearranged for flow, as above.

But why take my word for it? Why not make your own egg tempera paint! -- But you don't have to take my word for it - you can make your own tempera paint!

Reason: You're writing instructions, the revision is direct, active, and encourages hands-on learning.

***

Moving on to the instructions themselves, they're thorough, logically organised and, crucially, easy to follow.

But, again, a few small points:

Differentiate section headings (You will need, Method, etc.) - maybe bold & underline? A larger size?

Some lines could be tightened a little:

e.g. "A teaspoon (or any small spoon)" -- A small spoon

And a small typo - missing space between instructions one & two.

***

Overall, a good set of instructions for what looks like an interesting project. If you take a little more care with presentation, and tighten up some of the phrasing, you'll be golden.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

7

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#4831836

Review of Every Ten Years

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (3.0)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hi!

Thanks for an interesting read. Every Ten Years has an original and compelling premise - which I loved - the predictor system turns life decisions into a brutal, high-stakes game.

The first-person voice carries real vulnerability and regret; the relationships (Saria, Darla Jane, Jayne) give the speculative world human weight.

The dialogue between Jayne and our unnamed narrator was strong, believable and emotionally charged (given the stakes).

That said, the narrative pacing and clarity wobble: important chronology and mechanics of the predictor are occasionally repetitive or vague (e.g., how scoring/penalties practically affect daily life, the exact timeline of divorces, house ownership, fines and jail).

This left me a little confused at moments, having to re-read, and reduced the emotional impact of later events (Jayne’s death, the prison epilogue).

Notes and small suggestions

Tighten chronology and causal links (one or two clear paragraphs explaining the Predictor’s scoring and how it produced the protagonist’s fines/jail time).

Trim repeated reflections (several sentences restate the same anxieties about predicting death and living in the present), add more reaction to/reflection on the last decade's results.

Consider sharpening a few sensory details in the best scenes (the twenties’ success, the tense five-year waiting period before engagement, Jayne’s tear) to deepen contrast with the bleak thirties/forties - remember: show, don't tell: For example;

Instead of: "He was depressed when he selected the life and travel choices..."

Show: "I clicked 'no' on nearly everything under life and travel. My thumb lingered on the screen as the cursor blinked. Had my life really come to this?

I closed the laptop and didn't miss its light. The living room, dark and smelling of stale sweat and coffee, felt like the perfect metaphor for the coming decade."

Instead of: "She wiped away the one tear and said, 'Then let's make them great.'"

Show: "She wiped a thin line from her cheek, folding the tissue into her fist as if to hide the tremor in her fingers. 'Then let's make them great,' she said, voice small but steady."

Overall? An interesting and novel concept with scope for future continuation that just needs some polish to truly shine.

8

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#4831834

Review of Daddy's Girl

Review by DS

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hi!

Daddy's girl is a short, sweet reflection on the daddy-daughter bond. It's perfectly paced for such a short piece, filled with strong sensory details and emotional warmth - the paternal relationship coming through as patient and affectionate.

However, you shift between first person ("I wasn't allowed", "He let me watch") and third person ("Patty", "she") without a clear reason, which confuses reader perspective and weakens voice. Pronoun mismatches (Patty vs. I vs. me) make it hard to track who’s narrating and reduce immersion.

Overall, grand - scope for development / continuation - and would score more but for the 'however'.

9

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#4831749

Review of Superiority

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (2.5)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hi!

They say first impressions are important - the lack of spaces between paragraphs, for example, detracts from the story's visual appeal.

OK, there's a clear central idea (guilt and awakening in someone who joins an oppressive regime is compelling and familiar; the story’s theme of “superiority → regret → redemption” is understandable.

There are strong emotional beats - the sister’s illness and funeral, the nephew’s putative judgment, and the beating by a former friend provide moments that humanise the narrator and make his remorse believable.

However, unfortunately, the story is let down in a number of ways:

The narrator’s voice is flat and inconsistent. It shifts between simple declarative lines and awkward phrasing (“You the superior…”, “I clicked on to their social media link”) interrupt flow and weaken immersion. Choose a consistent tense and tone and tighten sentence rhythms.

*

Show, don’t tell: much of the story summarizes events instead of dramatizing them. Key moments (joining the Party, the sister’s treatment, the funeral, the confrontation with the friend) are told in summary rather than shown with sensory detail, dialogue, or scene-building. For example, expand the funeral scene to reveal family dynamics and the nephew’s reaction rather than stating “they were afraid of me.”

*

Some lines are confusing or grammatically strained e.g. “One Doctor in the Party was not qualified in Ovarian cancer. Where was the Doctor who could treat my sister?”

Where was the doctor to treat my sister? For all my access, nobody from the party was qualified to treat ovarian cancer!

*

The plot compresses years of change into a few paragraphs, reducing emotional payoff. Slow down at pivotal moments (recruitment, the beating, the turning point toward resistance) to give the reader a chance to experience and appreciate the transformation.

*

Overall, the story has a solid core idea and some effective emotional moments but is undercut by flat prose, weak showing versus telling, thin characterisation, and pacing/clarity issues. With revision—especially focussing on scenes that dramatise the narrator’s moral decline and awakening, tightening voice, and using symbols like Dominic more deliberately—it could become much stronger.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

10

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#4831737

Review of A New Chapter of Love

Review by DS

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hi!

They say first impressions are important - Your presentation looks great - a clear, legible font, italics works well with subject, bolded phrases (as required by the prompt).

The poem succeeds at telling a compact, emotionally charged story with the required phrases ("a baby", "a package", "a mystery") appear naturally, the narrative fits a single, coherent arc, and the pacing feels right.

Its strengths are clear: immediate imagery (the doorstep discovery), an intimate voice, and a communal response that shifts loneliness toward belonging. The closing lines convey warmth and acceptance, making the piece ultimately hopeful rather than bleak.

That said;

Voice and diction occasionally tilt toward the prosaic (lines like "I learn to nurture each smile / I learn to soothe each cry"). More concrete details or distinctive sensory moments would deepen impact.

The line about the ex's note reads melodramatic and could be tightened for clarity and emotional resonance.

Rhythm and line breaks are uneven in places; minor edits would improve flow and elevate the tone without changing the story.

For example, you might consider something the following (tweaked a couple of lines, and rearranged the first two stanzas) to enhance the opening:

A mystery within, but a note from my ex:
"A gift for you, one last sign of my love.
By the time that you read this, I'll no longer be."

Inside a package, a baby did lay,
Soft blankets revealed a tiny face,
Lips gently parted, eyes closed in peace,

Anyhow, great job overall - did you win?

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4831731

Review of The Gardener At World's End

Review by DS

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hi!

They say first impressions are important - well, The Gardner At World's End is laid out neatly, and is visually appealing.

The garden as a metaphor for purgatory works beautifully, the girl a psychopomp, others arriving, reaching peace and moving on. Tom is a sympathetic protagonist, his grief and quiet routines believable and emotionally grounded.

The writing's replete with sensory detail (sights, sounds, smells) and concrete images (sheers, rain, breeze) make the setting vivid. The scene builds gently to a satisfying emotional reveal without melodrama.

So what could you do better? Not much! I've only a couple of observations:

You could, maybe, show more of Tom's hidden life earlier: a few specific memories, or gestures (along with 'why did I do that?) could strengthen his character before the reveal, so the ending lands with even more weight.

Clarify stakes of predecessor’s rule: the instruction not to enter the maze until replaced is intriguing but underused; a brief hint at its origin or meaning would add tension. Maybe rephrase to 'until relieved' (the double meaning not becoming clear until later).

And, a final thought, something you might consider: A small tweak, that would require subsequent tweaks, concerning Millie:

Parents? Both work all the time. Friends? --> Both gone, now. Sorry, friends?

<snip>

“She’s been waiting for you, Tom. Waiting until you were ready to join her.” --> "We've been waiting for you, dad. Waiting until you were ready to join us."

And, final para slight change to have them walk through the gate together, hand in hand for a more 'cathartic' ending?

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4831721

Review of The Misunderstood Wolf and Three Pigs

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (3.0)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hi!

OK, let me start by saying this is not the sort of thing I'd normally read, but I've tried to give it a fair shake of the stick, so to speak.

So, there are some parts that work reasonably well:

The narrator’s chatty, slightly snarky voice fits a reimagined fairy tale and delivers a few genuinely funny lines.

Turning the wolf into a salesman and making Flowerina socially progressive create fresh, playful contrasts with the original tale. The female-wolf posse is a clever reversal of expected predator/prey roles.

The final scene’s unexpected tenderness between Ralph and Flowerina gives the piece a humane, modern touch that’s as subtle as a sledgehammer in driving home the background moral, but apt for the style and target audience.

That said;

I'm not convinced the tale lives up to the title - in that the wolf doesn't come across as misunderstood, instead he's a wolf with temper/self-control issues... "This made him very angry and then he would turn on his customer and eat them for lunch."

The first two deaths happen quickly and almost casually — which can work, but here they feel abrupt because we didn’t get enough setup for Roger and Sully (Roger’s character is sketched mostly by one joke; Sully’s taxidermy is a striking image but underdeveloped). Slowing down or adding small, humanising details would increase impact.

And, the story oscillates between deadpan dark humour (Roger and Sully being eaten) and whimsical, wholesome scenes (Flowerina’s tea). Those shifts undercut emotional stakes; either make the dark moments more clearly comic or let their gravity linger for contrast.

Assuming this is aimed at children, as a variation on the original, the preponderance of expository narrative work well enough, for an older audience more show, and less tell (dialogue beats, sensory details, internal monologue) would strengthen immersion.

To whit;

Pick a tonal through-line (dark comedy vs. warm satire) and adjust scenes to match.

Expand some of the brief moments into small scenes: e.g. showing Roger’s preoccupation with music; a moment of Sully lovingly arranging mounts; a short, awkward sales attempt before each killing, to build depth and dark humour.

Tighten language and trim repetitive narration to keep the pace brisk.

And consider a stronger thematic payoff: if the story is about “misunderstanding,” make that misunderstanding drive more of the conflicts (oh, on second glance, that's not even a real wolf's head... umm oops, my bad) and the resolution (e.g., family or town’s perception of Ralph shifts after Flowerina vouches for him).

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4831719

Review of Claimed

Review by DS

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hi!

This piece succeeds as a visceral, emotionally resonant metaphor for depression. Its greatest strengths are the sensory detail and the clear emotional anchor: rain, steam, and hot water create a mood of exhaustion and ache, while small objects—the cinnamon prescription bottle, the row of stitches—give Elson a fragile, specific interior life the reader can empathise with.

Reading the creature metaphorically, the physical embodiment of depression, reframes the gore / horror: the slick, tar-black body, the crushing weight, the surgeon-like unpicking of stitches across her chest all convey a relentlessness that’s intimate and terrifyingly familiar to anyone lost in the depths.

The climatic attack, while visceral, would hit harder with shorter, breathy sentences that mimic suffocation and surrender; trimming modifiers and cutting a few longer lines into fragments would help accomplish this.

Some of the phrasing is a little awkward in places - trimming would help with flow.

e.g. "She swung free of the bed, finding the cool floor and padding across it with bare feet" --> She swung free of the bed, finding the floor cool under her bare feet.

Nevertheless, overall, the scene is powerful as an extended metaphor for depression: it’s immersive, empathetic, and disturbing in the right way.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4831718

Review of The Garage

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (3.5)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hi!

Having looked over a little of your portfolio I just had to go find out what Senryū was (Haiku form that focuses on human nature and everyday life instead of nature): - Learn something new every day!

My overall impression is that you've captured a small, ordinary scene with a crisp, slightly wry voice — typical of senryu’s focus, as I now know, on human foibles rather than nature. It works well as a character sketch: the speaker’s cluttered garage becomes a quiet moral observation about neglect and priorities.

Each line contributes neatly to the whole:

“I don't need” personalises the clutter and invites mild self-reproach.

“Tools hang on the wall” and “Boxes of stuff I don't need” give clear, tangible images that let readers imagine the space.

The final line’s “Poor car.” adds a dry, sympathetic jab that turns the description into gentle social commentary.

That said, there are a few things you might like to consider...

Assuming Senryu is like haiku, a sharper twist or more striking juxtaposition might provide a stronger ending?

“Boxes of stuff” is universal, a relatable generality - but substituting something specific could add a depth... hmm, I'm not good at this, but how about something like: My kids' bikes and fitness gear, or my old bike and fitness gear... to tell us something about the speaker?

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4831568

Review of In the Small Town of Cedar Wood

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi from a random read and review:

My first impression, I'm sorry to say, was 'huh?' - but then I scrolled down, and down some more, until I actually found the writing (might want to get rid of that enormous white space at the top - I'm assuming, for once, it's not me as I don't see that on other posts).

Thereafter, however, the writing was neatly organised into clearly delineated narrative and dialogue with only a couple of formatting glitches - did you, perchance, upload a document? WritingML seems to butcher those from time to time, possibly easier to copy and paste, and then apply any formatting.

Moving on to the story itself:

The 'prologue' has a good hook to draw the reader into the story (never have imagined something so bizarre could happen to him.) but: Could be trimmed down for impact, there's a typo - ends with a superfluous ", and oil well company -- oil company, or oil-well company perhaps?

Overall, the story is clear and very readable, and has an engaging premise (accidental invisibility)... I'm sure I'm not the only reader who'd wonder what they'd do in such circumstance...

It's steadily paced with incidents escalating mostly logically using warm, down-to-earth narration and plenty of 'show don't tell' (although some of the dialogue is a bit expository). I like both the wry humour and the way the short scenes work well to explore the consequences from different perspectives.

Now, a couple of things that you may wish to consider for revision / subsequent pieces:-

There's quite a lot of proximate repetition in places (for example, ‘oil wells’ appears three times in a short span near the beginning). Vary wording and rhythm to keep the prose fresh—swap in synonyms or sensory detail: 'the site', 'the rusty rigs', 'the clearing where the pump‑jacks stood like skeletal sentinels'. Small changes like that reduce redundancy and can increase atmosphere without altering meaning.

While the dialogue is functional and, mostly, natural - you could 'jazz it up' a little:

The 'voices' of the different characters are a bit samey - you could make them more distinctive in how they talk - make Robert brusque and short, and Ellen precise and formal, for example.

Some of the lines from Jimmy about invisibility lore feel 'off'; I can't help but think a kid would speak more simply and with a degree of wonder.

Use a bit more show than tell... e.g. instead of “Who’s there?!?" he called out, a hint of panic creeping into his voice,” show the physical signs of panic: Matt hand gripped the rail, knuckles white; his voice trembled as he breathed out. "Who's there?"

Final verdict:
The prose is enjoyable and well‑crafted in places, with clear room for tightening and sharpening to reach 4.5–5.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4831426

Review of Barbados Weather Change

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi,

Just a quick line - you seem to have missed a { when bolding pasta dish - leaving the end of the poem all bolded. There's still time to fix, if so inclined.

Other than that, you got all of the prompts in organically - and I think we can all relate to heading (or wanting to head) to warmer climes when it's cold and wintery at home.

With many lines to spare, you could have maybe played with the contrasting imagery between the two locations, but that's me being picky ;)

Good luck with the judge(s).

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

17

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#4831291

Review of Monk

Review by DS

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Ok, so...

I'm fond of Mr. Monk, and all his many idiosyncratic behaviours.

The wordsearch has a good selection of clearly related words/phrases that are, with a little patience (and now that I've put my glasses back on) easy enough to find.

It's probably me / my tech but, other than printing out, I don't actually seem able to play (*waits for the glaringly obvious to be smacked into his face).

My only quibble, and purely my personal preference, would be for phrases to be shown with a space between words... But I'm told I'm weird :/

18

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#4831100

Review of Fire in the snow

Review by DS

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi, one review requested, one review granted!

TLDR version:

How did you do? Very well. The concept and emotional beats are strong; the piece accomplishes the feeling of waking into someone else’s life.

Where can you improve? Tighten language, reduce redundancy, give a few small concrete memory fragments, and make the lantern moment more sensory and specific.

Is your prose any good? Yes — evocative and atmospheric. With some tightening and a couple of sharper images, it can become even more powerful.

***

This piece is evocative and emotionally honest; the central image of a sentient flame chasing the Sun is original and memorable. The contrast between the Sun (fixed, known purpose) and the flame (small, contingent, burning to exist) is an excellent metaphor for memory and identity. The emotional arc—curiosity → hope → pursuit → existential crisis → small resolution (finding the lantern)—is coherent and satisfying.

You reveal the character’s missing selfhood gradually: knowledge arrives in fragments, feelings surface without origins, and finally the narrator realises the identity doesn’t belong to them. That slow reveal works, but it sometimes feels drawn out. Some lines repeat the same idea (e.g., about the Sun’s daily motion); trim or combine repetitions to keep momentum.

Show more, tell less: where the text explains feelings at a remove (“Knowledge starts pouring in my mind…”), try breaking those moments into lived sensations—a flash, a scent, a half-remembered gesture. Sprinkling small, unreliable memory fragments (a phrase, a touch, a smell) will make the amnesia more tangible without resolving it.

Strengths to keep: tactile sensory detail (sizzling flames, snow, charred rubble), the repeated chase motif, and the emotional directness of the narrator’s questions.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4830887

Review of Poo

Review by DS

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

I knew there was more than one reason not to have a dog!

The base story is quite relatable, and has the potential to be funny, but there's a couple of things I'm struggling with your 'based on a true story' story, that means it's not really coming together for me.

I too have short term memory problems... top tip, don't dent your steering wheel with your head, it's bad for the steering wheel! Sure, some people are worse off than me in that regard but your tale comes across as excessively hyperbolic as I read. Obviously, some hyperbole would be expected for comedic effect.

Further, the premise lacks plausibility for two other reasons. If you 'forget everything' when something new comes up (hence sticking your hand in your pocket repeatedly) then surely you're walking around with a whole bag of poo, not just a smidgen? And 'can't smell' - say what now? Dog poo is notoriously malodorous, unless/until dry at least.

Consequent of the foregoing, I'd say that you've created scenarios that feel more contrived than genuinely funny. The exaggeration becomes so extreme that it breaks one's suspension of disbelief, making the humour less effective.

So, there's a few things you could consider doing:

WRT Memory and Awareness, you could:

Maybe acknowledge momentary distractions or specific reasons for not addressing the poo - something just keeps coming up!

Show a more realistic progression of awareness, with a more nuanced explanation for the repeated pocket-checking.

WRT Smell, you could:

Introduce a reason for reduced smell sensitivity (cold, blocked nose, etc.)
Acknowledge the smell but have a comedic rationalisation for ignoring it
Create a situational context that temporarily masks the odour

The piece ultimately succeeds in creating a somewhat relatable, cringe-worthy narrative with regard to an embarrassing situation but has scope for considerable refinement.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4830214

Review of The Thirteenth Seat

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi from a random read & review.

An interesting POV take showing a familiar tale, allowing readers to experience the 'pivotal moment*' through the eyes of an observant but peripheral character.

*Depending on your views on the accuracy of the source material.

Well written, full of lyrical prose that uses short, declarative sentences interspersed with more poetic passages, creating a rhythm that reflects the narrator's 'youth'.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4830054

Review of Work

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Hi from a random read & review.

A nice reminiscence of a 'long lost' world, family, etc.

To be blunt, 'Work' does rather resemble a wall of text - possibly courtesy of WritingML mangling an uploaded document, still easily rectified - Breaking into paragraphs, with spaces between, would drastically enhance readibility.

Also, while there's some order to things, it does 'ramble' somewhat. On a positive note, this adds somewhat to the charm, echoing the hazy nature of youthful memories but, conversely, has the reader trying to follow multiple threads simultaneously.

It may be that I'm just sleep deprived, having just got off the red-eye, but while the subject is potentially interesting, technically this doesn't quite hit the mark for me.

Address the presentation issues, and maybe consider 'fleshing out' the descriptions/memories and you'll be on to something.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4829803

Review of A Delightful Day

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi from a random read and review:

Overall, a solid start, with a very relatable situation, character and character dynamics (poor grandma having to 'chase' Susie round!). Grandma is quite believable - the 'cunning plan', the mix of pride and horror as Susie helps clean up the park, and 'devious mode'- works every time - Ice cream!

Notwithstanding, I assume, a tight word limit, could use a little polishing here and there. There's some redundancy, and the 'flow' is a bit 'jerky' in places:-

The initial sentence, for example, runs on a little - and could be reorganised slightly to improve flow:

e.g. "Walking in the park, usually one of my favorites. I love the park, birds, squirrels, other people who wave hello, but don’t start chattering (like my neighbors…) Today I had Susie, she’s my granddaughter."

Walking in the park is usually one of my favourite things to do. I love the park, the birds, squirrels and the people who wave hello. And today I was sharing it with my granddaughter Susie.

Again, for flow/clarity... a pronoun to avoid the close repetition, only to emphasise the lack of urgency in replacing the defunct device.

"...would have been TV, but my TV was broken and since I usually watch re-runs," --> ...would have been TV, but that was broken and since I usually only watch re-runs,

And... "She ran back to me like she was running a marathon!" --> Marathon, to me, implies slow & steady, going the distance... so maybe something like She sprinted back to me like the wind (a bit generic), or tie it back to the ice-cream itself She ran back to me like she was worried there'd be none left!

And, finally, "Sitting at the table, after some required lunch, but after, having lovely ice cream for dessert! we got to talking" reads as a little clumsy to me --> Sitting at the table enjoying a delicious ice-cream, after the required lunch, we got to talking.

In conclusion, "A Delightful Day" presents a charming and relatable narrative that captures the joys and challenges of spending time with a grandchild. The character dynamics between Grandma and Susie are both believable and engaging, providing a delightful glimpse into their relationship. While the story has a solid foundation, addressing the flow and clarity in certain sections will enhance the overall reading experience.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4829501

Review of Tell Me, Said the Elephant...

Review by DS

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hi,

Notwithstanding that this is a great couple of scenes, well crafted, replete with detail, believable dialogue (full of subtext), etc., etc., I was sitting here for more than a little while trying to figure out how it related to the prompt...

And then, I think, it finally clicked - the elephant in the room, the secret hanging over them all... assuming my tired brain's figured it out, I tip my hat to you - very creative response to the prompt.

Good luck with the contest!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

24

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#4829500

Review of “Tell me,” said the Elephant

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A light-hearted conversation between an elephant and, I assume, a human - nice rhythm, love the back and forth, and the little flourishes (like the elephant icon), and the scientific link up.

Good luck with the competition.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

25

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14 days may be credited.

#4829486

Review of The Attic Window

Review by DS

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi from a random read and reviewer:

This short piece creates a peaceful, meditative atmosphere, the transition from daylight to twilight provides a natural narrative arc that mirrors the emotional journey from solitude to companionship.

The writing is competent with good command of descriptive language, with pacing that works well for the contemplative tone. There are several good examples of 'show don't tell' in action (e.g. the scene with the kitten approaching and rubbing up against the narrator's leg).

That said, given the 'simplicity' of the piece, some of the language/phrasing may be a touch too, umm, poetic - simpler language might be more effective.

Also, while you generally use 'show don't tell' well (as above), there are further areas where it could be applied:

e.g. "The day's lingering restlessness melts away, washed clean by the hush of the country night and the sincere warmth of this tiny creature, peacefully dozing in my lap"

You could, instead, have shown the narrator's breathing slowing and deepening, described muscles relaxing, shoulders losing their tension, show fidgeting hands slowly stilling / settling into a gentle rhythm of stroking the kitten.

e.g. The knot in my chest slowly unravelled with each of the kitten's soft breaths, and the tension in my shoulders melted away as my hand moved to trace gentle circles through the kitten's fur as the last of the day's light disappeared over the horizon.

Overall? Solid, if modest, that could benefit from a little polishing in places.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .