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1
1
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

A few quick thoughts...

Having not seen what, exactly, the prompt said: I guess the personification of a virus as the 'bad guy' (TM) was acceptable.

And, you've done that well - allowing for some poetic license on the properties of a virus and metaphorical language (e.g. the cure 'killing' something that's not alive).

In so doing, you challenge the binary notions of good and evil, with a:

Villain that can self-sacrifice, having given up the fight and;

A hero who doesn't truly comprehend the battles they fight, or their transactional value/importance.

Maybe worth considering changing the virus' decision to 'die' to a 'tactical retreat' - to lurk in the cold, dark space ready to return when least expected? (As the virus cannot be permanently eliminated)

The repeated lower case i (instead of I) grated a little, and you could use emdashes instead of --

{ emdash } (without the spaces) is your friend in writingML.


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2
2
Review of Dual Duel  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi,

Following your review request "Poetry: is it clear, relatable, meaningful, universal, memorable? Or trite, cliched, predictable? Any feedback welcome!":


The first part eloquently captures the current social and political climate, where:

Polarisation threatens human connection, dialogue has been replaced by confrontation & ideological divisions create seemingly insurmountable barriers.

Relatable - yes, in part. Universal - not so much. VERY relevant to some parts of the world, but almost beyond consideration in other places I frequent... (Heavily rooted in North American/Western social dynamics & political polarisation, reflecting your perspective).

The second part reveals a deeply personal struggle with:

Self-doubt, imposter syndrome & fear of inadequacy.

Each part is complemented by the chosen lyrics and, the poem transforms these various challenges into a powerful declaration of 'invincibility'.

Which, given the contest the poem has been entered into isn't exactly surprising, but it upholds the motif of 'look at these problems, we shall overcome' found in a wide body of works.

Consequently, the "overcoming" narrative might feel somewhat formulaic & potentially cliché to some readers.

That's not so say it's not well crafted - it's packed with vivid imagery, and language that creates visual and emotional landscapes. The intentional structural fragmentation mirrors thematic tensions.

Quite a few memorable phrases are found within - though not, to me, particularly memorable in its entirety.
3
3
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi!

First impressions are important - in the art of reviewing poetry we find a thorough exploration of various components and poetic devices one should consider when reviewing poetry.

For me, however, the presentation (phrasing) is a little too 'artsy' for a straight guide, and/or a little too 'technical' for a purely philosophical contemplation. i.e. It attempts to be both, but doesn't quite entirely fit either.

Notwithstanding which, and as alluded to above, this is a well-crafted guide to poetry review.

The text offers a detailed and thoughtful exploration of the critical elements involved in analyzing poetry with concrete, actionable advice for reviewers.

From which, one draws the conclusion that poetry review is not 'simply' passing judgment, but requires an attempt at understanding the intricate ways poets use language to evoke emotion and meaning.

Minor Critiques:

1. As external links may become outdated over time, consider adding 'access information' "URL (accessed $date)" to guide your readers and, as a backup, archived copies (Internet Archive) as a footnote.

2. The text could benefit from a few concrete examples of poetry reviews to illustrate the principles discussed.


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4
4
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.0)
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Hi!

TLDR:A philosophically ambitious but technically poor text that drowns potentially profound insights in a sea of grammatical errors, scientific inaccuracies, and haphazard citations. More linguistic labyrinth than intellectual lighthouse.
~

They say first impressions are important - and I'm sorry to say, but I struggled from the off.

the first paragraph, whilst not completely impenetrable, lacks clarity.

What, for example, does the phrase "From birth throughout history, even still --- man is his own mystery..." even mean?

It's grammatically awkward and semantically unclear. The "even still" feels particularly forced and nonsensical, and the 'non-standard' punctuation (---) is visual clutter, over which I 'tripped' — I would suggest a single em dash in their place.

Unfortunately, this is not confined to the opening paragraph:

The text continues "Why then, does mankind have the ridiculous audacity as we adamantly pretend to be what we aren't?"

Which is improperly punctuated; is imprecise and inelegant.

Something along these lines would be better:-

"Why, then, does mankind have the ridiculous audacity to so adamantly pretend to be what we aren't?"

Which maintains the rhetorical questioning tone whilst being smoother — "To so adamantly pretend" is a more elegant and clear infinitive phrase — and more technically correct.

I don't want to sound completely negative, so I'll say this, and nothing further, about the writing style.

A systematic revision focusing on grammatical precision, concise phrasing, and natural conversational flow would transform this dense, often impenetrable text into a more accessible and compelling philosophical meditation.
~

While the execution is flawed, the text does demonstrate considerable philosophical breadth. You explore complex themes such as the interplay between body, mind, and soul, the destructive nature of ego, and humanity's potential for both self-destruction and transcendence.

There's an admirable attempt to connect spiritual, psychological, and societal insights, creating a holistic view of human existence that challenges readers to look beyond surface-level understanding.
~

However, in so doing, you make some questionable assertions.

When using scientific-sounding language to lend credibility to a broader philosophical argument trying to draw a metaphorical parallel between biological viral mutation and psychological/spiritual "infections" of ignorance or evil, the scientific terminology is sensationalist, imprecise and potentially misleading.

Take, for example, your claim that: "Scientists have long known that there is a direct link between nutritional health and viral mutation."

At worst, simply incorrect - unless you have, credible, sources to support the assertion?

At best, an oversimplification that lacks scientific precision.

Nutrition affects immune response and can, yes, influence how a virus spreads in a carrier or, indeed, a population.

But, a "direct link to viral mutation" is not accurate.

Viral mutations are primarily driven by: ▼ Genetic replication errors, selective pressures and environmental conditions.
~

The text liberally quotes or references numerous figures - Plato, Nietzsche, Shakespeare, amongst others - but the attribution is inconsistent and often unclear.

Take, for example, this section:

"Frankly, mankind must choose as ‘we can’t serve two masters ’. Alas, ’ To Be or Not to Be ’, willingness without reservations --- Maya or Truth? Cause, Inner Peace is a prerequisite for World Peace as Choice is yours and yours alone! Eventually, our choices combined --- collide."

Apologies, notwithstanding my earlier statement about writing style, here we notice:

Improper/non-standard punctuation - e.g. 'quotation' instead of "quotation".
Improper capitalisation.
Typographical errors - e.g. "masters ’. (extra space)
'Strange' word choices - e.g. Alas - did you, perhaps, mean 'but'?
"To Be or Not to Be" - unattributed *Right* As Shakespeare said, "To be, or not to be"...

I note some quotes are explicitly credited (with a name at the end) but, as above, others appear to be woven into the text without clear demarcation.

Which raises significant questions about intellectual honesty, potential plagiarism, and the boundaries between inspiration, quotation, and original thought.
~
I note that there are a few attributions(?) at the end of the text, but these seem haphazard rather than systematic, and incomplete. A rigorous academic or philosophical text would require a bibliography or reference list with a consistent referencing style.


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5
5
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi!

They say first impressions are important - and the presentation here is good.

What I think works well:
The story has a cozy, whimsical voice that fits the folkloreish vibe, and is replete with vivid worldbuilding details & characters.

Flik’s curiosity and the solution to the barrier problem give a satisfying arc to this well-paced short piece.

What to improve

You could significantly tighten the opening section (girl sees door → mother calls) to make things sharper and to hook the reader sooner.

More show, don’t tell: several expository lines (history of the barrier, council actions) are delivered as direct explanation. Turn some into dialogue with more conflict or sensory detail to increase engagement.

Example: make the Council meeting a brief flash or have older gnome recall a specific incident rather than 'merely' summarising.

To improve flow, you could trim a few redundancies (e.g. “pulled on his long beard” and variations thereof).

To improve reader immersion you could include brief smell/touch/sound details beyond sight to deepen various scenes (the bread’s warmth, the damp of tunnels, mineral tang near Dimune).

With some structural tightening, a touch more urgency, and a few small show-don’t-tell revisions, this would have been a stronger entrant but it's pretty good as it is.


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6
6
Review of Pancakes and Tuna  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Fun and quite believable. I feel like I can easily relate to the poor mother and, having taught 8-year-olds, have sympathy for the twins' teacher too.

The setup is reasonably well paced, and easy to read. The punchline, though obvious, was handled subtly.

Can't help but think they'd call the teacher by name though... Miss. Clare, Mr. Smith... Whatever your local convention is.

Purely subjective, but to add the emphasis to I told you... Maybe consider bold, or italics, as underlining doesn't convey (to me) the same tone.


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7
7
Review of The Nurse  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello fellow drabbler.

We can immediately see that you've met the prompt with your story about a nurse.

Obviously, there's only so much one can do in 100 words, but you have a complete arc, believable conflict and a melancholy resolution... All reflecting real-world tensions about immunisation.

That said, the presentation could be improved (clearly demark paragraphs, for example) and, IF you wanted to claw back some words for use elsewhere, there are a few places that could be tightened.

For example: "the outbreak of measles had caused havoc in the hospital" -- the measles outbreak had caused havoc.

The 'in the hospital' not being necessary as you've already established the setting. But, again, only useful if there's any areas you would have liked to expand upon.


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8
8
Review of Women's Lib?  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello fellow drabbler,

I note prompt #12 is for "Story to include a doctor, nurse and/or paramedic."

My only potential criticism of "Women's Lib?" is that, to some - including me, it reads more as a statement/opinion piece than a story with a definite arc (set-up - conflict - resolution).

But, of course, that'll be for S (the contest host & judge) to decide.

With respect to the writing itself, it's fine - though could be tightened in a couple of places IF you wanted to get a few words back to use elsewhere - but is far from necessary.

I like that there's a nice, punchy conclusion that contrasts the (relatively) verbose contemplation / explanation that goes before.

Rating? As a piece of writing: 4 - 4.5, but I have to 'knock something off' for not, as I see it, meeting the prompt.


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9
9
Review of World Was  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi,

Please excuse brevity, but time's short.

Would I like to see more? Possibly, I liked the mix of comedy and the more serious, philosophical commentary - who, indeed, would believe a species deliberately and methodically wiping itself out?

Descriptive, with relatable imagery, fast paced and philosophical. But abrupt ending, and quite a bit of polishing required to address — mostly relatively minor — issues:-

Take, for example, the opening paragraph.

"Pull up! Pull up!” Bahb screamed, yanking the flight yoke hard to starboard. The ship shuddered, alarms blaring as space warped like a funhouse mirror in front of them.
*Down*
Alarms blared as space warped like a funhouse mirror in front of them.

The ship shuddered as she yanked on the controller hard. "Pull up! Pull up!” she demanded, desperate to avoid the — whatever that was.
~

1. Immediately sets the scene & introduces the tension.
2. The adds the character, and what they're doing in response to 1.
3. Adds a bit of the 'unknown' and adds characterisation.
4. Removes redundancy/inconsistency* to improve momentum, and maintains tense consistency.

*Why would the pilot direct the craft to the side and 'demand' that it pulled up? Controller - a generic term - as unlikely an alien crew would use the same terminology as us.


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10
10
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi!

As a 'lifelong' academic, I couldn't help but read this essay when I saw it pop up.

Let's start with the good:
You present a clear thesis and maintain focus i.e. The essay sticks to defining and exploring plagiarism and originality.

The writing is structured logically: introduction, ceding to your three main points, explanation of your personal stance, and conclusion.

The tone and personal reflections seem apt for your target audience and the various examples given, mostly, help clarify points.

Areas that could be improved
Your assertion that “Plagiarism is intentional”, for example, lacks nuance.

Plagiarism can be both intentional (cheating) and unintentional (poor citation, or misunderstanding).

My last university, for example, did treat these 'infringements of academic integrity' differently although, obviously, I can't state that's universal.
~

For a wider audience, reliance on one dictionary definition and personal opinion is insufficient.

Adding references (academic or institutional definitions, examples of plagiarism cases, or citation standards) would strengthen authority.
~

Some examples lack precision/clarity:

e.g. The outline example could be clarified — reusing a distinctive, original organisational scheme might be questionable, but common structures (intro–body–conclusion, cause/effect) are not plagiarism.

Distinguish between copying a unique creative structure and using standard formats.
~

'Technical' (presentation, grammar, word choice, etc.):
~

Some paragraphs repeat similar ideas (e.g., originality vs. influence). Combine overlapping points and use clearer topic sentences/headers to guide the reader.

There are several minor issues with comma use, sentence fragments, spelling errors, and occasional awkward phrasing (e.g. “do not be mislead” → do not be misled; plagiarise vs. plagiarize - pick one *Pthb*).

Clean up for style and correctness.
~

The error in your concluding section (“Decide what you think you is right”);

And, the logical contradiction "Regardless of what your views on plagiarism are, don't do it";

Diminish it's authority.

Summarising your main points and providing a firmer, clearer recommendation about best practices (e.g. Avoid plagiarism: cite your sources, and err on the side of caution when in doubt ) would improve the conclusion.


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11
11
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello fellow drabbler!

Overall: A warm, concise father–daughter exchange with good pace to a self-aware finish that meets the prompt.

What could be improved?

First sentence has a small typo — “me daughter” should be “my daughter.”

Character distinctiveness: The daughter and father sound similar in tone; distinction would make the exchange sharper (e.g. a specific mispronounced foreign word, a shrug, or a facial quirk).

A few lines tell us thoughts directly (“A father should always… but this was a bit tricky.”). Reducing exposition would deepen immersion (e.g. a gesture, a quiet sigh, the daughter’s expression) and get a few words back... Which could help clarify who's speaking, as it wasn't always immediately clear.

Random thought, use “je ne sais quoi” in conversation, so the payoff echoes the conversation and feels earned.

e.g. Maintaining the word count, and incorporating those suggestions (shown in green) we could turn the original: "A father should always..." section into something like this:

I sighed, shouldn't a father be able answer such a reasonable question? "Je ne sais quoi," I eventually said, "To show off, perhaps?"

She giggled at my accent. "To show off what?..."


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12
12
Review of The Dilemma  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi!

A bit longer than other things I've read, so I'll add notes as I go, and add a TLDR back here when I'm done.

TLDR: "The Dilemma" is a compelling narrative that explores themes of loyalty, morality, and the complexities of adolescence. The story is well-structured, drawing readers into the protagonist's internal conflict as she navigates a challenging situation with her cousin, but a few adjustments to pacing and a little polishing (grammar) are required.

This story's strengths are in its character development and emotional resonance: The protagonist is relatable and well-developed, showcasing a realistic portrayal of a young person grappling with peer pressure and moral choices. The portrayal of the relationship with Pat is deep; and highlights tensions between loyalty to family and personal ethics.

You effectively capture the protagonist's feelings of guilt, confusion, and eventual relief. The emotional journey is palpable, making readers empathise with her plight. The ending, where the protagonist finds solace in her father's support, and carries that forward to her own children, is particularly touching.

***


Intriguing start, interesting sounding characters from the off... a few minor issues/suggestions though:

Canary and the Elephant (Boutique) - doesn't exactly roll off the tongue (something a real business would certainly consider... the Elephant & Canary, however... (ok it sounds like a pub, but still)

...drawstring bag, the one my friend Natalie called, “the deer slayer” even closer to my body. -- Misplaced punctuation -- ...drawstring bag, the one my friend Natalie called “the deer slayer”, even closer to my body.

would do the same for me.
But still….

Needs a space at the end of the paragraph, or shift the 'But still...' to the end of the previous paragraph and, maybe, replace the ellipsis with an em dash?
***

Moving on.

Dialogue, so far, is strong and feels authentic for the stated relationship.

"As I stared after her, my bag still hung from my shoulder, pinched possessively under my arm with my hand clutching onto it for good measure. Pat and I never argued, never fought, but she was walking away from me this time in anger." -- Tighten and rephrase for clarity/flow -- I stared at her, walking away in anger. My bag still pinched possessively under my arm, my hand clutching it for good measure. Pat and I never argued. Never. But now, she looked truly angry.

"In fact, I hadn’t told them that day that Pat and I were going to the mall with a bunch of friends;" -- Can trim redundancies to improve clarity/flow -- In fact, I hadn’t told them that there'd be a group of us;
***

And moving further through the text:

Quite a bit of awkward phrasing, and some more grammatical tweaks:

e.g. "Sitting in the back seat of that car, I deduced what their objective was for visiting the mall that day, but by that time, I had passed the point of no return."

And yet, it wasn't until I was sitting in the back of that car that I realised what they'd planned. But by that time, I knew I'd passed the point of no return.

Makes the internal monologue feel more teenagery (not that that's a word, but hopefully you know what I mean) and improves the flow.
***

Going further: OK, primarily more of the same.
***


Summary of 'negative' elements:

While the buildup of tension is effective, some sections could benefit from tighter pacing. Certain passages, particularly those detailing the protagonist's thoughts, could be trimmed significantly.

The dialogue, while realistic, occasionally lacks variation in tone and style. The monologue, by contrast, doesn't always come across as sounding like a teenage girl (at least to me). Adding more distinct voices for the characters could enhance their individuality and make interactions more dynamic.

The setting of the mall and boutique is introduced, but could be further developed with more vivid descriptions to help immerse readers in the environment and, thereby, the story.
13
13
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hello from another depressive (PTSD in my case).

The essay effectively conveys your experiences and insights about depression, highlighting many of the misunderstandings and stigma surrounding mental health. The tone is candid and relatable, which can resonate with many readers.

Indeed, I can relate to much of what you've written, particularly about other people's reactions, and while there's nothing funny about depression in and of itself, I have to admire the dry wit you've sprinkled through your essay.

Technically, I think it could benefit from a more structured flow, and there are the odd grammatical / presentation issues, but they don't significantly impact the message - rather than give too many examples, you could do worse than check with something like Grammarly - it's not perfect, but it is free!

There are also a few places where phrasing could be improved, mainly for flow. Take, for example, "If you don’t understand depression, there is so much on the internet it’s incredible."

Could be tweaked a little: If you don't understand depression, it's easy to learn more. The internet is... (flows better, and links the clauses).

Notwithstanding which, overall, it comes across as a heartfelt piece.


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14
14
Review of Sweetheart Sitter  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

I see you also went with 'baby' not a baby - I'd say we met the prompt, so it's either great minds or fools are we, *Pthb*.

I enjoyed your take, you paint a compelling picture of, how to phrase this without giving unintended offence, the developmentally delayed/regressed succinctly and the joy that can be found by being therewith - seeing the world with a child's eyed.

That said, one line felt discordant with the rest of the imagery - that he'd had lovers (which, I accept, you may not have meant carnally, but that's how I read it).

Technically, the meter ferls a little uneven in places - detracting from emotion, I think, you're trying to convey.

e.g. The last stanza could be 'smoothed' to something like:

Our next trip will be to the museum,
And I know, how much I would miss,
All of these trips taken together,
If not for him—
and that sweetheart of his.

Which puts the final emphasis back on the people involved rather than any impairment?

Good luck with the judge(s) *ThumbsUpR*


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15
15
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
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Hi!

Thanks for a familiar, but enjoyable, tale that leans on well-worn mystery conventions (secret paternity, changed beneficiaries, jealousy-driven revenge) executed with a light, comedic touch. It’s not highly original but it’s serviceable and entertaining for fans of classic drawing-room reveals.

Mattas provides a strong, memorable comic voice that drives the story and keeps readers engaged.

The mixture of noir/mystery tropes and broad comic mispronunciations creates a pastiche that can be charming, but sometimes reads as cartoonish and, unless familiar with Sellers' Clouseau, the caricature will hinder readability and pull readers out of the story rather than enhancing immersion.

As with TPP, repeated 'mispronunciation' and malapropisms grow tiring but the piece moves briskly enough through interrogations toward the reveal to maintains momentum. Some transitions, however, feel abrupt (exits/entrances and scene beats).

Biggest thing to improve? Clean up or vary the phonetic spellings so they read as voice without undermining clarity.

Overall, a readable, entertaining short story with a strong central voice and a clear solution, held back by overused tropes, occasional clarity issues, and heavy-handed dialect.


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16
16
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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Hi!

They say first impressions are important and, overall, this is a charmingly awful, intentionally silly piece that I'm struggling to rate. Deliberately 'bad', done well... Hmm.

There's clear parody of melodrama — opening lines and archaic contractions mimic overwrought Victorian/Scottish verse (McGonagall vibes) and a host of funny imagery — ex-wife with a cudgel and the abrupt sex-ed punchline land as crude, but effective comedic beats.

But:

Rhyme and meter are uneven. Whilst, maybe, deliberate, tightening rhythm would make the parody sharper. For example, the first stanza jumps between long and short lines and stresses.

The mix of archaic diction (“Thou art mistaken!”) and modern slang (“sex ed”) is funny, but also jarring; choose contrast deliberately (either greater anachronism for comedic effect, or smoother blending).

The hex/hexed pun is a bit predictable; maybe consider a something more surprising or a specific threat for a stronger finale?


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17
17
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi,

Overall, there's some strong writing, evocative imagery, and effective metaphor which give the piece emotional resonance, however frequent tense, and occasional wording slips reduce polish and clarity.
***

What works well:

- Vivid imagery and sensory detail (sunlight in her hair, smell of coffee, carnival sounds) that create strong atmosphere.
- Clear central metaphor (Strong Man / woman performer) that anchors the piece and conveys emotional dynamic.
- Warm, intimate voice and mostly consistent viewpoint that make the characters sympathetic.
***

What to improve:

- Tense consistency: I kept tripping as I read where sentences shifted tense between past and present.

For example:

- “On Sunday mornings, he liked to sit…” (past) vs. “The morning sunlight… is caught in her hair” (present) *Right* “was caught.”

- “For her, it was already Monday” (past) but “her thoughts moving three steps ahead, her mind a wheel spinning fast” are present-continuous *Right* “her thoughts moved… her mind spun fast.”

And so on, I'd suggest consistently using past tense throughout.

- Dialogue: mostly good, but a few attributions mix tense and punctuation:

For example: He bent close, whispering, “Eat, baby,” and kissed the back of her neck.

He bent close and whispered, “Eat, baby,” then kissed the back of her neck.
***

- Wordiness/repetition: some metaphors and ideas repeat (Strong Man memory, carnival image, watching wife) — tighten by trimming near-duplicate phrases, or rephrasing for better readability - variety us the source of life!

You could use pronouns more frequently too.

Some phrasing feels a little off (but that may be 'separated by a language in common' thing. I, for example, might say mental gymnastics, rather than mind gymnastics.
***

- Small grammatical points:
- “Now, years later the memory lingers in his chest…” — comma after later: “Now, years later, the memory lingered…”

- “the way the Strong Man’s had been drawn to his dazzling wife” — missing word, or "the way he had been drawn to..."

A few issues with capitalisation around “Strong Man”, unless you're intending it as a title?


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18
18
for entry "Cake" Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi fellow drabbler,

Prompt 'naturally' incorporated - ✅
A complete story arc - ✅

Well paced, a bit saccharine for my tastes (I would have preferred a comic or dramatic twist to end: e.g. the cake being dropped on the floor - but that's entirely subjective, obviously), and no obvious errors stood out, so good job overall


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19
19
Review of It's What They Do  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi from a fellow drabbler (I've now decided that's a word),

Short, sweet and very likeable. Got the required word in, with a little humour (what more can you ask for in 100 words?).

One minor point: If you could see... I'd bet you'd...

Makes the judgment conditional and more hypothetical, matching the preceding conditional clause.


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20
20
Review of The Last Argument  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

I’d rate this 4/5. The concept and execution are compelling; with a few targeted trims and a hint more context for Jonah, it could be better.

What works well:

The café setting, tactile sounds (spoon clink, neon hum), and sensory detail ground the scene and create an effective, noir-ish mood. Tension builds steadily from start to intriguing ending.

The exchange between Jonah and Solace hits the philosophical beats without becoming excessively moralistic; Solace’s calm, slightly uncanny voice contrasts well with Jonah’s defensiveness.

Maybe it's because I'm tired, but I'm not sure what to make of the deliberately flawed circle.

Some small things you might consider:

What's the relationship between Jonah and Solace? Why does Solace's agency, or lack thereof, matter to him personally?

More show vs tell: A few lines tell Jonah’s feelings rather than showing them.

Example: “Jonah had the distinct, unsettling feeling that if Solace had lungs…” Consider tightening to a concrete physical reaction (e.g., “Jonah felt his hands go cold”) to keep immediacy.


Some phrases are redundant or could be sharper.

e.g. “The metal spoon clinked against the ceramic in an uneven rhythm.” Then later “The metal spoon clinked…” The spoon detail is good once; but variety adds interest.

And, in the longer dialogue, you might want to attribute more frequently, to help keep who's speaking clear in your reader's mind.


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21
21
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi!

Overall, "The Magic Carnival" is a charming tale that effectively combines adventure, learning, and imagination. It encourages children to embrace challenges and believe in themselves. Given its strengths and minor areas for improvement, I would rate it 4 out of 5.

Takia's character is well-developed, showcasing her curiosity, excitement, and struggles with division. Her journey resonates with children who may face similar challenges in learning.

The story conveys a strong message about perseverance and the rewards of hard work. Takia's determination to solve the math problem to gain access to the carnival reads as insipirational.

The blend of reality and fantasy, especially with the carnival being a dream (or not), adds a magical touch that appeals to young readers.

That said, at times the pacing feels uneven, particularly during the math problem segment. While it emphasises Takia's struggle, it could benefit from a more dynamic flow to maintain engagement.

And, a very minor point, I noted at least one small typo, there may be others - "familiar site of her room" (sight)


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22
22
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi!

They say first impressions are important - and here the formatting seems to have gone a little haywire with large gaps between some sentences/paragraphs, possibly as a result of uploading a document?

Notwithstanding which, A Strega Story was a captivating blend of fantasy and moral story telling through the unusual perspective of a Strega (Greek or Roman folklore, I forget). The story's rich with imagery and emotion - painting the 'evil witch' as a more nuanced character with a 'heart of gold'.

The dialogue between the Strega and the child is particularly engaging. The child’s innocence and curiosity contrast beautifully with the Strega’s gruff demeanour, creating a dynamic that feels both authentic and heart warming.

The story itself, woven with elements of darkness and redemption, serves as a poignant reminder of the consequences of greed and cruelty - encapsulating a powerful lesson.

The prose is lyrical, with vivid descriptions that paint a picture of the enchanted forest and its inhabitants. Phrases like "the pale wood tree whose beauty endured untouched by the foulness around it" evoke a strong sense of place and emotion. However, the pacing could be slightly improved; some sections feel a bit rushed, particularly towards the end, where the resolution occurs rather quickly.

Maybe just a little more reaction / observations of the child's reactions interspersed with the bed-time story?


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23
23
Review of Zero Hour  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hi!

"Zero Hour" presents a compelling narrative that explores themes of discrimination, societal injustice, and the struggle of marginalised groups, particularly through the lens of dragons and trolls. The allegorical nature of the story allows for a rich examination of real-world issues such as racism, privilege, and cultural identity.

The opening lines effectively set a bleak and desolate scene, immediately immersing the reader in the aftermath of societal collapse. The vivid descriptions of the beach and the absence of life create a strong emotional impact however, the phrasing is awkward in places (as it is throughout).

You could, for example, rearrange the opening along these lines to dramatically improve flow and clarity:

Along the shore, devastation lay everywhere. No lifeguard stood at this once vibrant vacation hot spot. No children laughed and played, no adults relaxed under the sun here, or on any other beach. It would be a while before anyone would feel safe visiting a beach again.

Related somewhat thereto, the pacing feels uneven, particularly in the latter half. Some sections could be expanded to allow deeper exploration of the characters' emotions and experience, while others might be condensed to maintain momentum.

For example:

Expand:- Community Responses: Explore how the dragon community reacts to the oppressive laws. Are there leaders emerging? Are there moments of solidarity or despair that could be highlighted?

Condense:- Exposition on Laws: The section detailing the laws and their implications could be condensed. Instead of listing various discriminatory practices, focus on one or two key laws that have the most significant impact on the dragons. This would streamline the narrative and keep the reader engaged.

Overall, good, but could use a little polish!


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24
24
Review of Pain Pain go Away  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Hi!

They say first impressions are important - an otherwise insignificant typo in the opening of the first line ("}Pain, Pain, Go Away!") didn't have you off to the best of starts.

That said, the article presents general advice mixed with personal anecdotes in a conversational tone that should make it accessible to all. Of course, more precise language could improve the professionalism to the piece, should you feel so inclined. Related thereto, if advocating a 'treatment' it might be worthwhile to cite sources supporting, or identifying any caveats, to your claim.

The structure feels a little, for the lack of a better word, disjointed:- maybe organise your suggestions into 'things you can take', 'things you can do', 'the nebulous' (nb - I'm not suggesting titles, just trying to categorise the things you mention).

Further, it should be noted that the advice you give may not be suitable for everyone.

For example:

Caffeine: Simply starting, or increasing caffeine intake as a pain reliever may lead to various health issues associated with excessive consumption (not to mention the withdrawal symptoms many experience on quitting).

Massage: While massage can be beneficial it important to note that not all pain can, or should, be treated this way. Such self-treatment could exacerbate certain injuries such as an underlying fracture (if, for example, you've fallen and thought 'twas 'just' a sprain) or chronic conditions like fibromyalgia - which responds negatively to massage for a significant proportion of sufferers.

Avoiding Prescription Medications: The article suggests avoiding medications like Ibuprofen and Paracetamol without discussing the importance of consulting a healthcare professional. For some individuals, these medications are necessary for managing pain effectively (not that they don't potentially have side effects - but people should make informed decisions / weigh their options).


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25
25
Review of Alchemy  Open in new Window.
Review by DS Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there,

This poem beautifully captures the essence of intimacy and connection between two bodies. The imagery is vivid and evocative, creating a sensory experience that draws the reader in. The use of metaphors, such as comparing desire to "jaggery" (now that I've looked it up to find out what it is!), and intimacy to "witchery," adds depth and richness to the language.

It flows smoothly, with a rhythm that enhances the reading experience. The use of enjambment keeps the momentum going.

That said, while the metaphors are beautiful, some readers may find certain phrases a bit abstract (or go "huh! What's that?"), which could detract from the overall impact.

And, notwithstanding the mixed line lengths, enjambment, etc.: a few lines could be trimmed for a tighter focus / rhythm...

e.g. The final stanza could be streamlined to heighten the emotional climax, along these lines maybe?:

"Time steals in kisses—
Joy surging through veins,
Until I lay in your arms,
Spent,
A spell I will not break."


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