I was captivated by the magic, and who doesn't love a Magic School? The way the wards were bypassed with precision resembling Quintin's signature was a great twist. I'm eager to read the book. Seriously, it's a good story!
Interesting piece. You captured the energy and need to hurry as the door know was turning. Then, tying it up at the end with the reason the other man is in the house. Good job on having a beginning, middle, and end in such a short story. Very good job.
I really enjoyed your story. After a few paragraphs, I was so caught up in your story that I forgot to look for any necessary edits ( I don't think there were any). Great story
I read your story and was really invested in the family reaching their goal. There were a few things that should be addressed in your process of writing. The first being tense. I would encourage you to read about tense to familiarize yourself with the differences and which tense your story should be written in.
A few other things I should mention are, first, dialogue. Dialogue is usually separated by quote ,", marks. The dialogue is also split into different paragraphs as in;
"When will we get there?" Vivian asked.=
Next, try not to repeat the same words close to each other.
An example would be in your first paragraph, you have Harol behind the steering wheel, and in the next sentence, he grips the wheel. Pay attention to this throughout your entire story.
Thanks for sharing your story with me. I was truly wrapped up in that trip to paradise.
I really enjoyed your story, Lunar Genesis. It was engaging and entertaining. I didn't see any editing needs at all. This was a great read and it begs to be expanded into a longer story. Thanks for this fantastic story.
I thought your story read well and was enjoyable to read. I didn't notice any problems or mistakes. This was a surprisingly complete and interesting story for containing only 289 words.
I am usually only a fan of darker fantasy. When I came across this to read, I have to be honest, I was not happy. However, as I read your story, I noticed I was enjoying it.
Your story was well written. I didn't notice any mistakes. You took me on a Christmas fantasy ride in July. It was fun and refreshing. Again, I enjoyed your story.
I enjoyed your story. It made me smile to discover Alex was using his dad's clothes to give his mom a present.
The problems I saw were small but they were there nonetheless. The first thing I noticed was that Alex's age was never mentioned. If he's a toddler, it would be much cuter than if he were a high school senior.
The second thing I saw was in the last line. You wrote, Not a bad present, then Alex said, "Happy Valentine's Day Mom!" and Dad suddenly remembered something he better go back out and get, immediately. Reading this sentence, the first thing I notice is the structure. Usually, dialogue is set apart from other actions by the character. I would suggest you think about writing it like this:
Dad thought, Not a bad present.
"Happy Valentine's Day, Mom!" Alex said.
Dad remembered something he needed to do right away. He grabbed his keys, thinking he needed to thank Alex when he returned home.
Writing it this way makes it more concise and clear. You also need a comma before Mom. I believe the rule of grammar states that when the name is used to directly address someone (direct address). Then I made it two sentences to make it read and flow clearly.
Of course, these are my opinions, but it's your story. I enjoyed it. Thanks for the read, and please keep writing. Good job.
I'd like to welcome you and hope you find all the buttons you need. I believe the more you get to know Writing.com the more you'll love it. This time around I've only been a member myself for a few days but years ago I was a longtime member. Life didn't cooperate with all I wanted to do at the time. That's why I left. To be honest, I don't think you'll find a more welcoming site for writers. I know I haven't.
If you have any questions feel free to ask me. If I don't know I'll try to point you in the right direction. I truly hope you enjoy your time here.
Your writing is clear and concise and I thoroughly enjoyed my time here.
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