This is a cute little story, made up mostly of dialogue. I enjoyed the interaction and could even imagine them whisper/shouting during the conflict.
Favorite bit:
“One person says, you’ll never believe what happened, and the other person guesses!”
“How about, one person says, you’ll never believe what happened, and then tells the other person.”
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Composition/Flow/Line Length: The story flowed well, from the initial conversation to the later explanation between the daughter and her husband.
Punctuation/Spelling: I would encourage you to edit your work. While none of the things I’m pointing out are big, a well-edited story lets the reader focus on the story and not the punctuation.
“I am so fun! I fun! You just don’t seem to know what is fun and what isn’t fun.” In the second sentence, “I fun” should be “I’m fun!”
“I didn’t hear, I was gonna drive back and see what happened, but I stopped to get Katie to go with me.” I would amend the first comma to a period. “I didn’t hear. I was … “
Katie took the cue and put down her dish towel, picking up her sweater. “Do you want to come Honey?” she asked. Insert a comma after “come.” “Honey” should not be capitalized as it’s not the daughter’s name.
“Oh no. You can tell me later, I need to finish my chores before have to pick up Teddy,” and she waved as they walked out. And here, I would change the comma after “later” to a period. “…You can tell me later. I need to…”
In summation:
All couples argue. It is the degree of heat and the need to be right that leads good-natured squabbles into real fights. No one wants that!
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
Gratefully IE here with a review of {item:"The Debt"
First impression:
It fascinates me that I can be full in on a story that consists of 426 words of dialogue. From the get-go, I was hooked, wanting to know what was happening and why.
Favorite bit:
“Jesus, stop with all the fucking questions! Will you get over there and grab her already?”
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Composition/Flow/Line Length: The dialogue flowed really well. Clearly these two are invested in each other. They have history. The dialogue progresses through a tense conversation, and leads us to an open ending that leaves me wanting more.
Punctuation/Spelling: My only suggestion is here “You owe me.” Instead of underlining, you could italicize for emphasis. Both have impact and don’t affect your message in the slightest.
In summation:
Very well-written. I enjoyed the fast-paced, angsty/angry conversation between the two.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
Gratefully IE here with a review of "Witch Trials"
First impression:
Heavy subject matter! This is a very well-written story about events that took place a very long time ago in our history. It is just as relevant today, even more so, because any one can point an accusing finger at any other one of us and the witch hunt is on, spurred on by sensationalistic journalists and the ever-present social media, ready to damn any one of us with the click of a button.
Favorite bit:
My favorite parts were where you interspersed direct quotes from the victims. This lends credibility to your tale.
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Composition/Flow/Line Length: The story flowed really well. Punctuated by the quotes, the message is loud and clear, leading us to an ending none of us hoped would happen.
Punctuation/Spelling: My only suggestion is in your last paragraph. The italics work well, but I would perhaps not italicize the portions where Mary hears the voices, i.e. “Mary Bradbury!” “Mary Bradbury! Come out and face us!”
But, what is this? I hear more footsteps coming up the street. They must be coming for another accused. They are close now, another neighbor of mine perhaps? But they are stopping….at my door…I hear their loud, booming voices, crying out, “Mary Bradbury!” My God! My name! “Mary Bradbury! Come out and face us!”
In summation:
As you can tell, your story riled me up. In a good way.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
Here’s a fun little haiku written for children. The terms used are very descriptive!
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Composition/Flow/Line Length: The poem flowed well. Haiku poems are not easy to write. I admire how you fit everything in so well.
Punctuation/Spelling: Nothing noted.
The last sentence of the first stanza seems a bit awkward to me. I had originally thought to add an “a” (arms I flap like a duck) but that would put you over the five syllables. What about “arms flap like a duck?” Just a thought.
In summation:
This is a creation that I can see illustrated and published as a children’s picture book.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
This is sad, but the writing is very interesting. It makes me feel for the guy.
Favorite bit:
Or maybe not and somehow I’ve died
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Composition/Flow/Line Length: The poem flowed well. You could easily break this up into several stanzas and not lose one ounce of impact.
Punctuation/Spelling:
I would end line one with a question mark
Here “Like I'm a fallen angel, holding broken halo,” I would add an “a” between holding and broken. “Like I’m a fallen angel, holding a broken halo.”
Here “punished to walk the earth with open eye” I would either add an”s” to “eye” or add an “an” before open. So, “punished to walk with earth with open eyes” or “punished to walk the earth with an open eye.”
In summation:
Well-written. Gives me lots to think about as any good poem does.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
Dark, indeed. This bit of prose is beyond sad. It makes me wonder how long she waited before she died, too.
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Composition/Flow/Line Length: The poem flowed well. I’d like to suggest breaking it into two stanzas, for a breath.
Punctuation/Spelling:
In this line: she ghostly waiting all the same, I’m stumbling here. “She’s ghostly waiting?” That doesn’t sound quite right either. What about “She, ghostly waiting?” To me, adding the comma fits the two words together.
In summation:
Well-written. Gives me lots to think about as any good prose does.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
Elias is a man on a mission. But he’s not a man, is he? This sci-fi snippet leaves the reader wanting to know more about Elias and his journey.
Favorite bit:
And so, as the sun dipped below the horizon, painting the sky in a final, fiery masterpiece of orange and purple, Elias turned his back on the road and walked toward the mesa, toward the new home he had found...
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Composition/Flow/Line Length: The story flowed well. You have a real gift for description that made this story beyond interesting.
Punctuation/Spelling:
I would remove the comma here: They had simply, retreated. Or, add a comma after had. “They had, simply, retreated.
In summation:
This is a gem of a story, made infinitely enjoyable by your many writing gifts.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
Gratefully IE here with a review of "Staycation" }
First impression:
How different our lives were during the times of Covid! And how fortunate you were to have a bevy of the winged and the feathered close by to marvel upon.
Favorite bit:
“Built for the air they are not made to walk;
bird ambulation a pleasure to watch.”
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Composition/Flow/Line Length: This flowed well. Each stanza is delightful on its own.
Punctuation/Spelling: Nothing noted.
In summation:
You’ve captured some wonderful sights and memories. If I hadn’t experienced Covid on my own, I would be tempted to say that you got the best of the things by experiencing all this nature around you!
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
The true sweetness of being with the one you love is brought to life in the lines of this poem.
Favorite bit:
“What joy I feel, so calm and energetic!”
This is a perfect description of that feeling I have experienced as well. What a wonderful feeling it is.
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Composition/Flow/Line Length: This flowed well. I’m tempted to wonder if it could be broken up into two more stanzas. I suppose the answer is yes, but leaving it at two doesn’t detract from the flow.
Punctuation/Spelling: Nothing noted.
In summation:
You’ve captured some wonderful feelings here in this piece. It’s a lovely reminder.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
I enjoyed reading this sonnet-“style” poem. There are many different faces of God; those we see every day of our lives. Including the one we see in the mirror.
Favorite bit:
“You know a child of God is she.”
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Composition/Flow/Line Length: This flowed well. The style Is very readable. Each stanza is complete.
Punctuation/Spelling: Nothing noted.
In this line “”Though she's crowded, Jill is happy,” I did stumble on this. I understand what you’re trying to say, but the wording threw me off. Might I suggest “Although it’s crowded, Jill is happy.” We know she’s on a train. Just a thought.
In summation:
I really got a good sense of where you were going with this. Well done.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
Even though this prose is about darkness, it’s not totally creepy or totally evil. For this I give thanks.
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Composition/Flow/Line Length: This flowed well. I like that you used lower case throughout.
Punctuation/Spelling: I would suggest “night’s” instead of “nights.” It may work if you also took out the apostrophe in “god’s” and “mercy’s.”
In this line “darkness at my hand,” what about “darkness in my hand?” You’ve already brought us to the hand by describing the coldness of your fingers. Just a thought.
In summation:
Well-written short piece.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
This is a whimsical, very short story about two friends who rent a haunted house on the beach. I’m not sure how good of friends they are. Or if they will remain so after the weekend.
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Composition/Flow/Line Length: According to the website it’s spelled “Airbnb.” I suggest you update your story for the correct spelling and for consistency.
Punctuation/Spelling: In this line, “do” should be “so.” “Why are you do down?”
In this line “Marsha trotted into the kitchen,” I would amend the word “trotted.” That seems to me out of keeping with what one does when walking quickly to another room.
Here “What the shit show is wrong with you?” this term also seems out of keeping with how two women would talk to each other. At least, I’ve never heard the term used this way. If you want to keep it colorful, say “f***” instead. “What the f*** is wrong with you?” flows better.
Probably I would amend this line too: "Penny smiled finally." Maybe expand on it, showing how Penny was in tears but then finally smiled when she realized Marsha was more than okay with the idea.
In summation:
This is the beginning of a longer story. I’m sure Penny and Marsha have lots to go through by the time the stay comes to an end. If they last that long.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
This free poetry is all about anxiety. It induced anxiety while reading, which is a sign that the message has been received and is relatable!
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Composition/Flow/Line Length: The pacing is fairly well laid out. I would highly suggest breaking this into stanzas, starting each new stanza with “Broken Souls.”
Punctuation/Spelling: Nothing noted.
In summation:
We all feel broken at times. The trick is to recognize it. Once recognized, we can acknowledge the pain and move on. There is ALWAYS better.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
This is a great story, full of drama. Good descriptions are used throughout to bring to life the scene of a near-disastrous birthday.
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Composition/Flow/Line Length: The story flows well.
In this line,
Quite some years ago my wife Marsha
I would place a comma after “ago.”
And in this line you have a run on sentence
Each week this team of modern-day Robin Hoods would rescue downtrodden citizens, using their wits, ingenuity, and maximum Hollywood firepower with blazing guns, car chases, and explosions; just the type of TV series any young boy would enjoy.
I would suggest breaking this into two sentences by placing a period after “citizens.”
This time reading your story, I think there are too many references to “A-Team.”
How about if you took it out of this sentence
Marsha placed our order for an A-Team themed cake
And said instead “Marsha placed the order for the themed cake…”
And here
that old dog blithely sidestepped grandma and rushed across the room in a beeline for the cakebox!
The word “blithely” sticks out to me. If I read the definition, it could fit, but I think another action word for a dog might work better. Perhaps “lithely?”
In summation:
I still enjoy this story. Some of the above suggestions may seem nit-pickey, but there’s not much left to fix!
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
Very clever usage of the three prompt words. I probably would have leaned toward something spooky or spiritualistic. That you took it in a different direction shows real range and creativity.
Favorite bit:
a hush settled upon the room;
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: None noted
Composition/Flow/Line Length: The poem flows well, and follows the proper format for a quatrain.
In this line,
The Book, it sat center stage
I don’t think I understood at first what it meant. You’re referring to the bible? I get that you’re using one of the prompt words, but maybe adding “Holy” to “Book” would clear things up?
And in this line
When she appeared at the door
I would suggest amending “door” to “doorway” or even “entrance.”
In summation:
I enjoyed this poem. I’m a sucker for happy weddings!
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
This is a mysterious short story! Mysterious because what exactly was found? We believe it to be the fountain of youth—but is a fountain of youth something which returns us to childhood? Would we (hopefully) be wiser, while still inhabiting a young body? Would we get a “do-over,” going once more through the motions of life? What decisions would we make?
A story of any kind should invite the reader think. Yours does that.
Favorite bit:
“Well, I never, ever, thought this would be found. And here! In this lab.” He raised his head, his eyes full of tears. “By golly, Ned, you’ve really done it.”
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: None noted
Composition/Flow/Line Length: The story flows well, leading us from inception to conclusion. Since it’s so short, it leaves a lot of unanswered questions (see above!).
In this line,
Professor Michel walked jauntily down the hall to the lab, almost skipping like a child he thought.
I suggest a change to the second half of the sentence. As it stands now, it’s at the least missing a comma after child, but I’m still stumbling on it. Perhaps “…Michel walked jauntily, almost skipping like a child, down…” or even “…walked so jauntily down the hallway to the lab that he was skipping like a child.” I don’t know. None of these are perfect, but I think you get my point.
I’d love to know the prompt you used while writing this. Perhaps include that at the end in future endeavors?
In summation:
I enjoyed this story. It opened the door to so many possibilities…even to the point of me giggling at the thought of Prof Michel and Ned as little boys in white lab coats, playing with beakers. 😊
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
This is a poem about meeting the “right one.” Like many love poems, it says a lot without really saying anything. Just perfect, in my opinion. For who can truly wrap their arms around and encompass the whole?
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: None noted
Composition/Flow/Line Length: The poem reads fairly well. I do like that you used one line for each word in the middle. That is impactful.
Give this some thought: the word “that” every time you used it at the beginning of a line? Take it out. I think it reads well without it.
I would also suggest breaking this up into stanzas. Some spacing would be helpful, in my opinion, as you lead the reader from thought to thought.
In summation:
I enjoyed this poem very much.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
I am your average citizen. I’ve never been a scout, nor have I witnessed a flag retirement. Your story brought chills to my skin. You have created, in the telling of a true story, an impactful presentation and representation of an honored duty.
Favorite bit:
You chose your tagline well. “The crowd murmured as firelight flashed on his knife blade –“ drew me in immediately.
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: In the tagline (see above) I would remove the “-“ or make it an em-dash.
In this line, a comma is needed between “moving” and “perhaps.”
The ceremony we witnessed was so moving perhaps because it was presented from the heart of just such a volunteer.
Composition/Flow/Line Length: The story flowed really well. I would highly suggest making your notes at the end in a larger font. They’re so tiny I gave up trying to read them.
In this line
Sometimes I see a tattered American flag valiantly flying on its staff
I would switch the order of the words. Perhaps “Sometimes I see a…flying valiantly…”
In this line, I would suggest removing “for retirement.” I think they are redundant since the entire essay about retiring flags.
brought forward a tattered flag for retirement and the old
I’m a little confused by this:
back beyond the fire ring and illuminated by firelight.
Are you describing that the flag was illuminated by the firelight? Was it backlit? I suggest some rewording to clear this up for the reader.
In this line
well as a symbol - a daily reminder to all
I would place a comma after “well,” and then make your en-dash an em-dash between “symbol” and “a.” Also, please note there should be no spaces before or after the em-dash.
I suggest changing the three references to “13” be spelled out to “thirteen” unless there is some specific reasoning to leave them as is.
I’m suggesting a few revisions to this sentence,
lowered the tattered remnants onto the campfire, the other stepped forward to unfurl an American flag on a staff and lift it high, illuminated by the flare of the flames.
As so: “…remnants into the campfire,…to unfurl a new American…”
In summation:
I enjoyed this essay very much. I’ve read it a few times in preparation for this review, and find each reading just as emotional as the first.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
This is a poem that is not ‘in your face’ one bit, despite the four letter word it contains. It is subtle. Very subtle. Perhaps “cool as a cucumber” subtle.
But, like all subtle, good poems, this one gets under your skin.
Favorite bit:
The title! It’s brilliant. The title drew me in immediately.
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation:
There is a space missing after “of” in this line
or at least a hint of 'sexually active'
Actually, maybe not! The font you chose is small, and makes it appear there is a space missing. Which leads me to my next suggestion.
Please, first thing, I would make the font larger. Much larger. I had to squint to read your poem. You want to draw the reader’s eyes to your words—to your amazing poem!
Standard here at WdC is 4.5 Verdana. Choose what works for you, but at least consider this.
Composition/Flow/Line Length:
I’m struggling a little with the second line. I think ‘painfully’ needs to be moved or braced between some commas here
it painfully dawned on her
Maybe: “it dawned, painfully, on her” or even “it dawned on her, painfully”
I like that you're using the word, I’m just questioning the placement.
Love the usage of “ripe” in this line
with that trendy hue against her ripe skin
I really wanted another something green in the fourth stanza, perhaps in the line “such façade” so it would be “such (color) façade?” There are infinite shades of green or things that are green (such as your clever use of “cactus” in the last stanza). Several would work. Think about it.
of these city streets
such facade
is viciously dismantled
and met with frosty indifference
In this line, I question your usage of “tepid.”
could have thawed her day
on this tepid morning
“Thawed” gives the impression of cold. “Tepid” means lukewarm. You could use “frigid” instead.
“could have thawed her day
on this frigid morning”
This is, of course, unless I’ve missed some very important reason for the use of “tepid.”
Love this part
nimble twenty-somethings
will soon f***
their way into the future
The last stanza is great, but when I read it, I want it to be two stanzas
there she stands
like a singular cactus
teetering
on the brink of oblivion
searching
for the receipt
and for words to
match that catchy tune
she’s been humming
so fanatically all day
Perhaps break it after “on the brink of oblivion?”
In summation:
This is a cleverly-written poem. I was drawn in immediately, and looked within your words for hidden meanings. Well-done.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
This is a painful poem to read. Why? Because it captures so exactly the myriad ways grief bites at us.
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: For consistency, I would suggest that you use periods at the end of each stanza or remove them all.
Composition/Flow/Line Length: None noted. There is clever usage of spacing as stanza headers. At first I thought you needed a line break after the first ‘alone’ but then realized that all of the stanzas were built that way. It works.
To enhance readability, I would suggest going with a larger font. You could even increase the font size for ‘alone’ or even for ‘grief’ or for both.
In summation:
Yes. I do understand.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
This is a cute short story about fantasy and love, one indistinguishable from the other. The gramma is determined to delight her grand daughter with tales of fairies. Even, in the end, catching one in a jar.
You’ve captured quite nicely the love and the wonder of this special time between the two.
Favorite bit:
“Oooohh! Magic fairy glasses, gramma! Look how many there are!”
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: None noted.
Composition/Flow/Line Length: None noted.
In this line, I would consider changing “daytime” to “sunlight.” I suppose I am assuming it would be sunlight that would hurt a fairy’s wings.
“Well, Mary, they come out here only at night. The daytime hurts their wings.”
Here, I suggest a slight amendment in the wording. Somehow, I keep stumbling over this sentence.
Mary laid her head in my lap, her eyes searched the tree branches for fairies.
Perhaps consider “Mary laid her head in my lap, her eyes searching the…” or even break it into two sentences: “Mary laid her head in my lap. Her eyes searched the…”
In summation:
I enjoyed this story. It’s quite heartwarming.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
I enjoyed this story about a pretty important (at least to herself) dog. It took me a few minutes to work out it was a dog we were talking about. I loved that she, royalty (in her mind’s eye) found love with a commoner.
It just goes to show you it takes all kinds.
Favorite bit:
Leave my mother out of the discussion. She is not here to defend herself. She comes from a long line of winners. Her name is honored above all others
Here are my comments, observations and suggestions. Take what you need and disregard the rest. They're all just my opinion:
Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: None noted.
Composition/Flow/Line Length: None noted.
Question: in an early paragraph, Arabelle says “I was born 21 years ago.” Then, in a bit later, her owner says she is ten: “You know that you are now ten human years.” Can you speak to this? Am I not understanding this correctly?
In summation:
I loved the haughty attitude Arabelle had throughout the story. Up until the end, when she finally got to be happy and free.
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
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Composition/Flow/Line Length: The story flowed well, from the initial conversation to the later explanation between the daughter and her husband.
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