Liked the metaphorical take. The dad is missing; he is needed. I give it a 4.1 overall.
Yep. Absent (unapproachable dad). More concerned about himself than his son? This could take hours, and I hadn't even had dinner. “Go in there and be a dad, ok? This isn't one of your cases. It's your kid.” “I think you've forgotten how to turn on Dad mode since Mom died.” Dialogue seems stilted but the shutdown after a death feels real. Took years before my cousin and uncle sorted it out. Not a great flow. Feels a bit stilted. Pacing seems off. Real characters? Possibly, although dad "being in the business" seems cliche.
I give it a 4.0. Too fantastical for my tastes. Historical or hysterical?
I understand that the way was lost then found but it didn't connect with me. I didn't care about the characters... too distant imho. I had to look up pinnace (not a bad thing... not familiar with boats). Suspense was good but perhaps over the top. Interesting fictional non-fiction. The stray thought of how storms don't give up their secrets flashed before me.
I give it a 4.2. Well written with a sense of time and place, but it felt a bit out of time. 1920s? I didn't like how it flowed... or didn't flow. “I don’t like to bring attention to myself.” A good retort. I liked the dialogue but not fond of the asides. ... A romance? Felt... a bit rushed; better for a longer story. Love (or lust) at first glance is real though. I did like how the story didn't end... "Not yet" is most appropo.
I give it a 4.3. Liked the suspense and the twists but...
Transitions seem a bit disjointed and I got lost. Definitely related to horror. Characters? Scott is justifiably terrified. Good use of senses. There's something missing to bring it all together... but not sure what. If the dates were changed to make Scott 47 it would make more sense to me. Except... George Maine always died 35 years apart... and it's his time... *Shock*
“I wish your original research didn't involve dying in the desert, chasing some legend.”
... just the right snark ...
I think the three parts need to be delineated. I got lost (my bad but others may get lost too).
I liked the beginning but imho it became comic-book surreal. I cannot imagine the father acting like that. The chase reminded me of 1980s rom-com-action-adventure film, a la Raiders Romancing The Box which does not work for me but may work for others. I think the ending was weak.
I give you credit for weaving the prompts though... well done!
I'll give it a 4.2 as it meets all three prompts seamlessly.
The story begins with the third paragraph and ends with "I also received the unending gratitude of the world for restoring the internet."
The premise is interesting because of the many ways we depend on the internet without thinking about it. AI will be similar. An evil AI can say it's raining and some folks won't go outside to verify the truth... fake websites and bots are already doing that.
I'd give this a 3.7 as I've liked other writings of yours that I've read, but not this one.
I couldn't connect with either character and it read more like an essay than a personal story.
I'd give this a 3.8 as I've liked other writings of yours that I've read, but not this one.
I just lost a long review and cannot recreate it. Sorry.
That said... thanks for the read. The use of the senses (sound) at the beginning and details (Stanislaus River and Boy's Life) establishes a sense of place and time. Western could be a genre and may be better than one of the others.
I'm not a storyteller and I'm not so sure about the dialogue (feels stinted) but it's definitiely YA and the insecurity of a 12 year old boy seems spot on.
It also makes sense. Those of us who have been broken can relate.
I have no advice as to how to strengthen it poetically.
Anything based on personal experience demands more than one poem, short prose, essay... whatever... to convey the event. This could be part of something larger. A short story of memoir chapter at the minimum.
I find this difficult to read. I like: "Bedtime yawned earlier" and "I glued on paper wings inked in dismissal and let them fly elsewhere."
It has a 'beatnik' 1950s feel (when vomit on the page was in vogue) but needs severe editing to properly flow and make sense. It's does use some poetic devices but I can't like it as is. I give it a 3.0.
Mini-review: A totally different approach from a poet who has written many rhymed verses. This one depends on rhythm and is best read at an exhausting pace (like many newbie poets use to their detriment, but appropriate in this case) preferably in two breaths. I do believe it needs a bit of an edit though and maybe a lengthening then shortening of lines mimicking a crescendo and decrescendo.
This work obviously depends on the sense of taste woven with 'facts' like calories and obesity and over-the-top words like 'humongous' and 'uproarious'. Normally I prefer spare images but the overwhelming use of adjectives fits the subject matter of fast food and the theme of over-indulgence. I give it a 4.6 as is.
Mini-review: It has a good rhythm and rhyme scheme with lines of 9-11 syllables and the use of the word 'whilst' always amuses us Americans . The theme is good and it reads mostly like Dr. Seuss which is also good. However 'mostly' is the key. It says 18 lines but there are only 17 and one notes that 'die' in line 7 breaks the rhyming pattern almost as if a line were deleted by mistake. Also, this rhythm works best when it's strictly adhered to and in reading out loud there are lines that don't. Still a very good poem that could be better if edited. I give it a 4.3 at this point.
Mini-review: Yes, it fits the form, but it doesn't feel poetic as no poetic devices are used. That and it evokes no emotion. Chess is a mental game and that it portrays well. The metaphor works well as we all know people who live their lives for "short term gain". This is more a mental exercise (4+) than poetry (2-). I give it a 3.0 as it would do well as part of a chess story.
Mini review: Yes, it avoids one letter. It's labeled as poetry. But is it? There is no repetition of sound or rhythm that I can discern. Meter maybe? The syntax and semantics feels tortured. I really like "Its ubiquity far outstrips / a supporting cast / of minor actors." The idea is nice but poetry is a skillful use of words not ideas. Ideas work best in essays although they can be expressed in poetic form. It's not that it's bad; and yes, it can be made better by smoothing out its flow. But even then it's not strong poetically. As a mind-game it's fine. As poetry I give it a 3.0.
Full-review: There are 5 major components that make a hokku a haiku or senryu.
1. Two images juxtaposed.
2. No emotion given, just elicited in haiku. Senryu seems to bend this rule.
3. Concrete images. Humans count as natural images. "Johnny" does not.
4. One cutting word. In English, punctuation counts as such.
5. Season word. (sakura = warm spring; ume = early cold spring; etc.)
What doesn't matter.
6. Exactly 17 syllables arranged 5/7/5. This is an English language convention. Japanese is 17 'on' (morae).
7. caPiTaliZation. Japanese has none. It is irrelevant.
8. Rhyme. It is irrelevant...
9. ...although... senryu can also be witty and word-play is part of that.
So, lets look at it:
Cavern-like shelter
Cold, dank, and isolated
Internet caveman
Good: Does elicit a response (#2). Images seem concrete (#3), although 'isolated' is iffy if applied to caveman as it bends this rule.
Not good: No cutting word or punctuation (#4) means that I'm not sure where line 2 fits (#1) and images are blurry. There is NO season word (#5). Caves/caverns tend to be cold and dank year round.
Questionable: (#6) makes this feel like middle school class assignment.
My thoughts:
Snowdrifts block the cavern — an internet terminal blinks
This would fulfill #1-5. It feels a bit 'heavy' as 14 syllables is a bit much (about 28 'on')
Snow blocks the cave — a blue screen blinks
This would be shorter, maybe too short in English with 8 syllables (~24 'on').
Frozen man-cave — a cell-phone rings
(~19 'on') But still missing something.
Anyhoo. Points on an image that elicits a response. I believe that's what others are rating this on. So 2 out of 5. To strengthen this either abandon the grade-school form and severely edit or abandon the idea that it's a hokku and rework it into a short-form that fits it (24 syllable contest might work). As is, it isn't a haiku/senryu imo. I rate it a 3.1 on strength of decent images and evoked response. It's worthy of editing to strengthen it.
It's a great idea for a poem. Fragrance does evoke memories and emotions. However, poetry is based on the use of language to bring this moment to life. Ideas need to find the right flow (which is okay) and words (not-s'okay) and to be poetry needs to use poetic devices properly (inconsistent). This needs an edit for spelling and grammar. Somes rhymes like tight/might seem forced (although nice use of 'nares'). 'fragile slow growing' is either awkward or overly descriptive; prune. The idea is salvageable; the poetry is not. I give it a 2.5. I suggest starting over.
Mini-review: From 2004 by a member who isn't very 'active'. It's nice enough, poetic enough. Nice use of words and images. Never edited. I give it a 4.4.
I really like these four lines:
Imagine watching a fairy elf
Until you both begin to sing.
Imagine a sky painted in purple,
A wind that whispers your name.
Mini-review: It's unfinished. Needs to be totally rethought. Is it supposed to be words that follow the tune or is it a parody? For me, it doesn't work on any level, sorry. I rate it 1.8. I suggest starting over or at least finishing.
Mini-review: not sure what exactly it is. Might be nice for a bio-block or statement of belief or purpose. By a newbie, so hard to fathom its purpose. Unratable by me. But I need to rate to review. It's not poetry. I disagree with its premise. Maybe a 2.0.
What are your views on this?
What is poetry? Is it rhythmic? ~1~ I think repetition of rhythm, rhyme, line, sound matter but it needn't rhyme (look at haiku).
Does it express your feelings? ~2~ Not necessary. It should evoke something in the reader though.
Poetry to me is, something where you can feel free to be yourself. ~3~ Many would agree, but not necessary. If it helps free you... then that's good. It works that way for me sometimes but 5,153 pages in my journal help as well.
Someplace that could take you far- you don't have to ever come back. ~4~ Ditto.
You can be you; you can get wild. ~5~ Ditto. Except restrained is better and vomit is vomit. Get wild then learn to edit.
May not be impressive to some, but to you- its your life. ~6~ Yes. It can also work as Art Therapy.
This is for those who don't know where life could take them-
Those who aren't accepted-
The beings that know who they are but can't seem to express it. ~7~ That's Art in general.
Speak your mind. ~8~ Or the mind of your Muse or a million characters fictional and real.
The writer is confusing poetry with writing and writing with Art and Creativity. Very simplistic so hopefully he/she will write a story or a poem and post. And then learn, grow, mature.
Mini-review: I'm not convinced that the format works. It does flow but all line-breaks could be rethought imho. For some reason the questions disturb; it asks me to agree that wolves are predators and therefore cruel or bad and that the rabbit is somehow innocent. That may work for others but it doesn't for me. On the other hand, vivid concrete images work better. There is good tension in "she only freezes pulse quickening the wolfs pawsteps rumbling in her ears his nose quivering." I like it but it's uneven and the 'aggressive' approach puts me off. I'm not sure how to rate it. Maybe a 3.9. It has potential.
That was my first reaction on reading it. I liked it better on my second reading. So I up my rating to 4.3.
Mini-review: Quatrains of aaaa, bbbb ... 5-8 syllables, fairly rhythmic except for the word 'alternative' (is 'alt' good enough or another way to refer to it? Or is this metrical verse?) which at 4 syllables is 2 syllables too long. What is nice is that the aaaa rhyme scheme doesn't feel forced or twisted. From 2015. I rate is 4.4 as is; could use a minor edit.
Further notes: Tim Chiu has hundreds of poems. Few if any reviews ... which puzzles me. Much of his poetry is definitely rhyming poetry and many here prefer that. I suggest more reviewers need to read and review as he deserves to be read.
Mini-review: I felt I was there. I really like the strong ending "bitter-dark and sweet as every year they’ve known." Uses smells, colors, touch, taste and sound. Great use of senses. I'd prefer 'smack!' to 'strike' because it is more of a sound and would be echoed by 'crack' later. But that's a quibble. The syntax towards the end puzzles me. I shouldn't have to stop to figure it out. Near rhymes like bubble/gurgle and the assonance of spin/stick/dizzy is very nice. After 5 years it's due for a second look and edit. As is I give it a 4.6. It could be a tad higher imho.
Mini-review: A very short senryu (they're all short... *ack* says Bill-the-Cat). I don't think anything more can be done with it. I rate it a 4.2. Personally, I was a melon and sea-green child. I often use different colored pens in my journal (which I've started) writing in again. Today it's .4mm red... so thin. I also use colors in my blogs to divide sections. Oft times they reflect my mood. So I agree with the 'message'.
Mini-review: I liked it, mostly for the message of aging and the way it's laid out as free verse. Doesn't flow as smooth as I'd like though and a couple odd words (omit?) or phrasing caught me. From 2003, "it is what it is" and I give it a 4.4.
Mini-review: I really really like this. The jumble of juxtapositions will connect with many people who have more than one heritage or home or like me who come from a very simple background that they then made more complicated, interesting, dangerous and beautiful.
I found the word 'large' puzzling and interpreted it as 'fat' (from eating). The lack of punctuation combined with left-flush capitalization made it harder for me to read. But it still was powerful. It's going on 10 years now. Perhaps time for an edit. I give it a 4.6.
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Sorry.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
. The theme is good and it reads mostly like Dr. Seuss which is also good. However 'mostly' is the key. It says 18 lines but there are only 17 and one notes that 'die' in line 7 breaks the rhyming pattern almost as if a line were deleted by mistake. Also, this rhythm works best when it's strictly adhered to and in reading out loud there are lines that don't. Still a very good poem that could be better if edited. I give it a 4.3 at this point.
It's not poetry. I disagree with its premise. Maybe a 2.0.