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17 Public Reviews Given
100 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Rated: E | (4.0)
What is the chance of reading two "squirrely" stories in one evening? Check out
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#1222195 by Not Available.
for a funny squirrel poem. I just reviewed it.

I think you've written a good fable. It's a vehicle for teaching that we shouldn't think too highly of ourselves and that all people (creatures) play a valuable role.

I suggest you write it like standard dialogue -- with the regular sentence length and appropriate punctuation and line spacing.

In the second line, "your" should be "you're." I think it's just an oversight. You got the same thing correct in the last line.

Your choice of characters is good. Animals are appropriate for fables. Also, the tree seems big in relation to the squirrel, so it's a picture of the assumed difference in importance. I think this is a fun way to teach a valuable lesson.

Welcome to WDC! I hope you enjoy the time you spend here, learn much, and make many friends. Thanks for sharing. Write on!
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2
2
Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome to WDC! I hope that you enjoy your time with us and find help through the interaction with other writers.

I like the sentiments expressed in your poem. I imagine that many people can relate. I have a friend that I don't see often, but when we do get together, we simply pick up where we left off. It's a very comfortable relationship.

I get the sense, when reading your poem, that you wanted to incorporate some rhythm and rhyme but lost track of it along the way. (I may be wrong.) Sometimes, I find it difficult to completely express thoughts when I try to maintain such a structure/pattern. However, I think this poem has the potential, if you choose to give it a try. If you prefer free verse, you may simply put this suggestion aside.

Here are some ideas:

"I want to go back
Back to where I belong.
I’ve been too far away
For muchfar too long.

Seeing their faces
So close up again
Brings back many memories
And bitter-sweet pain.

RecallingRemembering what was
And what could’ve have been
The plans that we made
The dreams we dared to dreamed then.
You could say, instead, "The dreams we shared then."

If you enjoy trying to add some rhythm and rhyme, you may find the last three stanzas more challenging. You have used longer phrases in these to express your ideas. If you can't "compact" the thoughts, you might considering adding another stanza between stanzas four and five or five and six.

You may notice that I removed words (like "so") that could be considered unnecessary. Also, in the first stanza, changes were made to avoid the use of "too" and "far" twice in one stanza. I enjoy the challenge of finding different words to express similar thoughts. I make use of WDC's "Ideanary." If you aren't familiar with this, it is located on the left side under "Site Navigation." Select "Ideanary" from the "Site Tools" drop-down menu. A thesaurus (some are available online) is a great tool. I also get help with synonyms and rhymes online. I'll provide you with a couple of links:

http://www.rhymezone.com
http://www.synonym.com

If you are ever looking for a word that begins or ends with a particular letter, the following may be helpful:

http://www.onelook.com

Finally, you might consider enrolling in the A-1 Writing Academy. Through it, you may take classes in poetry, as well as prose. I have enrolled in "The Fundamentals of Poetry" and am finding it interesting and helpful, especially since I have no prior training in poetry writing. Here's a link:

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Let me share one thing that another author told me (northernwrites@writing.com). If you choose to write a revised version, keep the original. It may be the one you like best. However, another version might speak more clearly to other readers. (Northernwrites probably expressed it better than I just did.)

Some strong emotion comes through in your writing. I can envision the "fake smile" and feel the "bitter-sweet pain." Thank you for sharing this thoughtful piece.

Keep writing! The more you write, the more you will want to write. The more you want to write, the more you will. The more you write . . .
you get the picture. *Wink* Enjoy!
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Review of Jahala Rose  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is one for the baby book or scrap book!

I had to recall my own children immediately after birth to recognize that "sky-blue-pink" is an accurate description, as is "sticky-sweet swaddled."

I suggest:
"Here's the Just a vision I dare not dream true."
OR
substitute "See the" or "Perfect" in place of "Just a."
There are many possibilities. "Just" says to me that she's not significant . . . when, clearly, she is.

I think this is a beautiful thought:
"Blest is your mother; through her, me too." I would add the punctuation.

I like the format. It's like getting two poems in one.

This is full of lovely sentiment. I'm sure Jahala Rose will cherish it one day.

Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!
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4
4
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Prussianblue,
Don't be discouraged by the lengthy notes that follow. I really believe this is one of the best things I've read today. There are some punctuation and spelling problems that I have addressed. Also, I feel that it might flow better if certain ideas are grouped. Aside from spelling corrections and some punctuation, the rest of my notes are suggestions. Use only what you think appropriate. I'm certainly no authority.

"Its" needs an "s."
"Like a whisper on the night wind
Unfurls the river on its ceaseless journey.

Little girl, little girl(remove space) !
How flows the river beneath your shady tree?"

When the next two phrases are combined into a stanza, they are similar to the phrases beginning with "glistening like dawn's" and ending with "diamonds in its wake."

"Does sunlight scatter a golden array
When a gentle wind do blows a dappling of coins? OR "does blow"
AreIs your eyes gladdened by theat joyous leap?
Of As a little frog when it grasps its feedom?"

The next four lines seem to be one thought -- all referring back to the current. I would put them together. Also, "sibilant" and "quiet" are misspelled. I like "sibilant." I had to look up the meaning. Added to my vocabulary today. Thanks!

"Does the current rush so swiftly that your fishing lines do hum?,
Slipping past like time, away and gone in thea blink of an eye,
Murmuring with a quiete hush, rich in its sibilant silibant music,
Whispering in your ear of powers unmeasured?"

The following is one of my favorite lines:
"Tickling the minnows schooling in the shallows into a lovely dance."

Again, I would put the following 4 lines together:
"Does the sunlight sparkle down the ribbon's length
As it dances its way East to West?
Or do shadows swallow the daylight's glimmer
leaving thee to ponder the mysterious depths?"

The wording of the next line seems cumbersome. Maybe you could pare it down:
"Look! See you the moon does ride across the night sky
As the river sings its sweet song,
Smelling of the fullness of time's turning."

"Long are the days and short are the nights for dreaming."
Perhaps I am missing the point, but I don't feel the following lines are necessary:
Many are the important words left unsaid.
Words often spoken have different meanings to their listeners.
Life is a puzzle. I would bring the next lines up, directly after "dreaming." If you do, it and the next-to-last stanza have a similar pattern.
"AndYet the river flows on in an uncaptured moments.
Sweetest are those times spent in innocence."

I suggest combining the following lines:
"Glistening like dawn's sparkling dewdrops,
The river lies lush, filled with glory.
Hearts gladden with a fish's splash.
Scattering diamonds in its wake."

"SeeLook you upon the banks, marvels hidden at your feet.
There lies magic embedded within its emerald length."

I like the repetition of the following stanzas:
"Long are the days and short are the nights for dreaming.
Like a whisper on the night wind
Unfurls the river on it ceaseless journey.

Little girl, little girl !
How flows the river beneath your shady tree?"

You've got some vivid imagery in this piece. My husband and I were looking at a picture hanging in the room where my computer is. In it, there is sunlight reflecting off the water and reeds swaying along the edge. You have captured the picture beautifully with your words! I would certainly encourage you to . . .
KEEP WRITING!
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Review of The Bee  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
What a fun poem! It reminds me of the young man who lived next door when I was a child. He would deliberately step on bees then fuss when he got stung. I never understood that. *Smile*

You have a nice rhythm going throughout most of the poem. I would suggest just a couple of changes to help it along:

"Yesterday I saw a BEE!
It looked at me and I at he.
He buzzed around from flower to flower.
Before too long I'd realized I had watched for an hour.

"He paid payed no attention to little ole me.
For there was no threat that he could see.
I was of no importance he clearly thought.
The idea thought of this made me boiling hot."

You'll notice above that I changed "thought" to "idea" in the final line of this stanza to avoid using the same word twice. I realize that "no" is used three times, but it seems to emphasize how insignificant you were (in the bee's mind).

The last two stanzas are great -- good rhythm and rhyme and entertaining. (Probably a poor choice of words on my part since someone ended up getting stung!)

I'm glad I happened upon this sweet verse. I bet it evoked a giggle from your stepdaughter.

Thanks for sharing and keep writing!
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Review of My World  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Whisperer,

Welcome to WDC! I hope you find your interaction with the other authors here helpful and fun. May you, like me, learn much and make new friends.

I can relate to the idea presented in this poem. I sometimes retreat to "my world" and shut out all else. I think your first stanza paints an effective image. We go into ourselves and slink about in the "darkness," avoiding the light. "Procrastinate" is defined (at Merriam-Webster Online) as: "transitive verb : to put off intentionally and habitually" AND "intransitive verb : to put off intentionally the doing of something that should be done." We withdraw in an effort to avoid facing things that we don't want to deal with. Good choice of words.

There are two misspellings in stanza two: treacherously and variance.

I like the idea of being called out that I believe you express in stanza three. However, I'm confused by the final line. I'm reading "fear that truth shall not [pay attention] to quiet." Do you mean that truth might "invade" your quiet and sort of shake up your life? Or, do you mean that when you draw into yourself, you may refuse to face the truth? Perhaps you could reword to clarify. (Or maybe I'm just a bit dense! *Wink*)

"My World" sounds like a safe place in the closing stanza. By my interpretation of your poem, it rings true.

Thanks for sharing and keep writing!
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Review of Headlights  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Welcome to WDC! I hope you enjoy the time you spend in this community and find all the feedback helpful.

I like the way each stanza begins with nearly the same phrase. It gives the poem some structure. A solid rhyme pattern could help in this regard. You have a consistent "a,b,c,b" rhyme pattern in stanzas 3 through 5, but it is lacking in the first two stanzas.

Also, the poem lacks a steady rhythm which makes it a little difficult to read. If you would select and stick to a syllabic pattern (or, at least, come closer), the poem would flow more smoothly. As written, the syllable count of the 2nd line in each stanza varies considerably from 5 to 9 syllables.

The following is an example of an 8-6-7-6 syllabic pattern (8 syllables in line 1, 6 in line 2, etc.) and an "a,b,c,b" rhyme scheme (where the 2nd and 4th lines of each stanza rhyme):

We were dazzled by the headlights
But only for a while
Our eyes beheld the chaos
Our stomachs churned with bile.

They were dazzled by the headlights
Of trucks with sirens loud.
They hauled us off on stretchers
before the staring crowd.

Another thing I notice is that you say (in stanza 1), "And our eyes filled with the sound . . . ." I would expect, instead, that they would fill with smoke or sights OR that your "ears" would be filled with the sound(s). That is part of the reason I suggested what you see above.

Likewise, in stanza two, the people are dazzled by "the headlights of the sirens" instead of trucks/emergency vehicles. Thus, my suggested change.

Please don't be discouraged. Give this another look, maybe after taking a break from it. When you come back to it, I'm confident you can make a few changes that will help the reader. Let your own creative juices flow again. What I included above is simply to demonstrate what I'm saying about rhythm and rhyme.

I like the way you consider the perspectives of the victims and the onlookers. I think the "back and forth" between the two works nicely.

Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!
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Review of That Day  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This is a somber account of the events of September 11, 2001. It is, also, a reminder of the unity we felt but seem to be forgetting with the passing of time.

You appear to be establishing a pattern that, with some "tweaking," I believe, could give a solid foundation to the poem. With that in mind, I offer the following suggestions for your consideration:

"A time for tears,
A time for anger,
A time for pain.

That day when so many died,
Four hi-jacked planes flew in,
Heroes and heroines tried,
It ended in ruin.

Such screams, then no sound.
And death all around.

It's time to remember
That day in September.

A time to think,
A time to renew,
A time to tell.

A That day when lives were shattered,
Many hearts were broken,
Every single life mattered,
They weren't Not just a token.

Not artificial,
Not sacrificial,

It's time to remember
That day in September.

A time for change,
A time now for prayer,
A time for peace.

Many on that day so manywere lost,
They all just disappeared.
We can never No way to count the cost.
And in the way as I feared,

Government Now political issues
Have replaced tissues.

It's time to remember,
That day in September.

A time for tears,
A time for anger,
A time for pain."

The result is a syllabic pattern of: 4-5-4, 7-6-7-6, 5-5, 6-6 that is repeated twice.
You anchor the poem, in my opinion, by repeating the first 3 lines at the end. Even as we have learned new information and had time to process it, the event should still evoke tears, anger, and pain.

I do question the use of:
"Not artificial; not sacrificial."
Maybe my mind is not in its best working order (due to the flu), but I don't understand the choice of "artificial." In regard to "sacrificial," I would suggest some (the rescuers, perhaps) did act sacrificially. However, if you are referring to the attackers, I would agree that it was "not sacrificial," from my perspective.

Thank you for calling us to remember what is significant. Oh, for thoughtful openness, respectful disagreement and peaceful discourse; in a perfect world . . . .

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Review of Dedication  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Beautiful imagery! Can't help but think of my rose bush. I enjoy it so much, but haven't been very successful in caring for it. Glad the Lord is a much better "gardener"!
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