Overview
This is a story of a young black man, Slim, who is an aspiring musician. Slim is riding a box car with his friend and an assortment of black and white men. The piece has a racial component but that isn't the heart of the story. While in the boxcar he is confronted by a bigger man and is helped by new friends. When they jump from the box car, the new group discuss Slim's name and give him a new one. They reach a farmer who is also a friend. He employed a few of them in the past and the crop is almost ready to harvest again. The farmer offers food and hospitality and the piece ends on a happy note, they are about to be fed and hear Delta Slim play.
Thoughts
The piece is well written and flows well. Much of the story is told through well written dialogue. I like that it had a couple of twists, the argument on the train and new friends helping. The piece moved easily from one situation to the next which kept my interest up. It ended on a happy note. It was going to be a good day and good days ahead for Delta Slim and his friends. I also like that the racism is brought in without belaboring it. Well done. Delta Slim is the story.
There were just a few sentences that I think could use a little work. Here are a couple examples, they sort of change direction, maybe break them up?
"How long he continued he didn't know, he just felt the tap on his shoulder, looking up to see a boy he'd fallen in with named Rice looking down at him."
"He started mouthing the words to an old harvest song he knew, imagining how he'd play it on his harp or who would sing it the best out of the ones he'd come across in his travels.
I enjoyed this well written piece. It flows well, I can see the coffee shop, your descriptive phrasing is, IMHO, spot-on - not so much as to drown the reader but enough to provide a rich visual. It is a great story of that 'first moment' encounter of young love.
My only suggestion is to look at the section where he comes out of the daydream. The first use of dialogue, “I’m sorry I thought I…” seems out of place. Show the character emerging from reverie using the descriptive style preceding it. After that it ends well.
Again, nicely done, really like the piece.
Just a note, the storyteller is clearly in the room!
I liked this piece. It makes a statement and then substantiates it very well. The overall theme of the piece, to paraphrase,'loneliness is not a bad thing' is well done.
This line resonated with me and made me want to read more: "finding love, support, and comradery, only to still feel all alone".
The tortured artist example is great and the way you approached the 'God created the universe because he was alone' I liked as well. I remember being taught that as child.
The 'embrace it' theme is great but I think it could be approached more directly.
In a practical sense being a loner or being lonely is just another thing that society tells you is wrong or bad, that it needs to be changed. Intrinsically that isn't true. I would expand the piece to include that real-life aspect of it.
Just so you know, I'm not a religious person -- that's my bias.
Your work is well written, I enjoyed it and it made me think.
This piece is a nice comment on aging and generational changes. I like the reference to Mark Twain and your take on it, "Youth is wasted by the young.". I also like that you brought out the differences in generations as a consequence of a changing world.
Nicely done, if you edit again maybe explore if an older person had the health and energy of youth. Not a do-over, a continuance. What would our lives be and what would we be doing?
Interesting mix of good old fashioned wizardry and modern tech.
"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic" - Arthur C. Clarke.
The piece is well-written, it tells a big story in a short amount of time. Subsequent stories based on the same would definitely be welcome. Will tech put the wizards out of business?
Nicely done. The story gets right to it. The pacing is great. I see the prison, confusion, new friend and revelations that have come and the hints of the revelations that will come. Nicely done. I hope this is just the beginning of the story.
One question, the use of 'their' when referring to clanger?
Thanks for the story and how well it illustrates that kindness to others goes both ways. In the face of extreme cruelty the boy found it in himself to help another. Well done.
This was presented in 'Read and Review'. Thank you for expanding my knowledge of this cultural icon. I'm old enough to remember when there was a bit of an uproar with the gender specific toys and specifically 'pretty girl' Barbie - that they were telling us what we should and could be. I knew Barbie moved on to become a professional but had no idea how many professions and versions until now.
I recently streamed the Barbie movie. What can I say, it was free. I'm an older male and not the intended audience but thought it was well done for what it was. I made liberal use of fast forward...
Now, after reading your piece, I think movie didn't come close to doing Barbie justice. IMHO they should have, could have taken a whole different approach to Barbie's story.
Enjoyed the story. It flowed well and is well written. It seems the characters are in the middle of a long, maybe continual, argument and the story tells that well. The only suggestion is to set up the lustful affair Harry is hoping for a little better. Maybe make a switch from a 'withered' wife to 'big blue eye' Monica as he gets closer to his fantasy destination.
Thanks for this. Well done and I don't have any suggestions for improvement. What was good, however, is that I know nothing about the two, who they were, what they did, and I don't feel like I need to! The story of their love is fully described and the story is complete.
Enjoyed the piece. You bring up so many points that are wrong with the way information is disseminated. It's the price we pay for free speech. The article is well written and presents the problems of a social media consumer, not a news consumer, in making their own opinions in the face of unsubstantiated news.
"It's scary, and we need to be talking about whatever just happened, but I don't even know what happened."
This shows the writer is analytical and can see that a large part of the issue is that even the basics are not known or are not trusted. A perfect sentence.
Not big on grammer, spelling or puntuation. The important thing is that the writer conveys the story or information and the reader understands. However the piece needs some attention to capitalization and sentence structure.
I'm going to give advice here even though this review should be just about the writing.
Where do you go to get actual news? There is no authoritative source that I'm aware of. Every publication has bias. The mainstream publications will base their reporting in fact, but still may only show one side and therefore become less trustworthy. Some social media posts will have real information.
One way to counter bias is to read multiple web sites with opposing points of view -- NYT, WSJ, local, Al Jazeera, FOX, Mother Jones, AP, Reuters, others. They will write about the same event or set of facts but from a different point of view and added together can provide even-handed information. As an exercise, find one small event that you care about and research it completely, it may take hours, days or weeks but find every bit of factual info and every bit of opinion. See where it leads you.
It flowed well and had enough twists to keep it interesting and kept me wanting to know more. I felt like I knew Chelsea and was getting to know her better. Nicely done.
I might suggest that Pete could be fleshed out more. The proposal seemed to come quickly and maybe if we knew Pete a bit more maybe it could still be a surprise but an inevitable one.
I enjoyed your poem. Love is such a difficult thing to describe. Your piece gives me a clear understanding of your point of view, that is if your point of view is that a person needs to express their love through acts, the time spent, how it is spent and not gifts.
"The littlest things you do that may not seem like love, can be the most precious things to define love"
Is 'define' the right word here or maybe 'express' or 'share'.
"Well, that might be you just being there with them, feels like they have more than they ever hoped for"
IMHO, this is a perfect line.
Years ago I was an avid science fiction reader. I love it and have opinions on what I like.
Your first chapter is great. The pacing is very good. I found myself just reading rather than critiquing very quickly. Also, a picture of the environment and characters also started to fill in quickly.
You created questions on what Lyra did in the past and why Cassian intervened without dragging the narrative. Same with both the world they find themselves in and the consequences of the character's actions.
In short, I think it's clear you are a talented writer.
My only critique is that the 'overlord vs peasants' caste system is kind of common. In subsequent chapters I hope that you differentiate your world in some way.
I don't have the expertise to comment on grammar and wouldn't mark on a few typos. Maybe selfishly I think grammar isn't important as long as it isn't so obviously terrible that it detracts from the read. What is important is that the writer conveys the story or message they intend. My opinion is you did that nicely.
Thanks for the read.
Findingfeet
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