Very seasonal (traditional Haiku)
Black Cat conjures Halloween, tossing leaves = fall
For me the middle line is weak. Perhaps replace "chilly" with "fristed" to better paint a picture.
What I like best about this poem, after reading this, the writer is drawn back to the FIRST line as
the moment of enlightenment! Traditional yet honoring the concept that Haiku can make any stanza that moment.
Well done!
... seeking solace beside her mother's still form. Together, they listened to the wind's mournful wail--a haunting melody that echoed through the house her father had built with his own hands ...
Well written piece. It is rare to see a work that ends with such closure (without using that word used so often)
The set-up leads the reader down a path of impending doom... then pivots to end of life, with a hereafter in view.
Lanka,
try this - A shop so fragrant - as the first line
and
kiss a spring flower
(these changes would make this a traditional styled Haiku
1) season
2) enlightenment when the reader realizes, the shop is a flower shop
I suggest that to make this more of a traditional styled Haiku, change we in first and last line into I.
Don't make weather the possessive weather's (as that prevents the line from standing alone as a single thought.)
Now the last line will draw both the previous lines into the moment of enlightenment, and you've taken the reader on the journey, instead of telling them what to think! Also drop the period at the end.
The only punctuation in traditionally styled Haiku is a dash (which is a pause) and it's not counted in the syllable count.
what if i ruin me
Now, that IS angst in a single line. Great conclusion to the poem!
Two suggestions
where you used "like I'm on a wheel" you've established in the first line "I" so here "as if on a wheel" would work better poetically and image-wise.
Secondly twice you capitalize = I feel... = like I'm...
lowercase then through the remainder of the poem (e e cummings style)
so maybe lower case the "I" for continuity.
Still, this is easily 4.5 stars!
I found this perceptive poetry.
I like his work too.
Cute "reality check" poem.
As the first stanzas rhyme, I suggest a change in one line of the second set -
.... I sit, sort and watch 'my man' that I've recorded ...
(now adds rhyme to the middle two lines. I think this keeps a meter going, to create more poetic musing.)
Also perhaps move "in my dream" to the bottom of the first set. This places it irectly above the start of the next ... In my reality: ... and thus the reader goes immediately into your narrative without first seeing it is a daydream!
as always = a critique is just another person's suggestions, not a mandate.
I like this composition.
Seasonal allusion is there.
(This converts to Senryu style, I think,
because some animals sing, some dance, but only humans do a song and dance.)
And you have kept to 5-7-5 each line able to stand alone, but linked together
(either the first line, or even the last line can be the moment of enlightenment!
Easy 5 for me.
(I have a tutorial of sorts about traditional Haiku in my portfolio
"Adventures in haiku"
Yes, angst. I can see that.
We the People - to lovve one another - walk a mile in another's shoes
a few mechanics in my review =
It hit him exactly what he was. This seems clumsy. perhaps rewrite it, to not use "it hit him"
(because you are speaking about thought, not physical action)
also, double spacing your paragraphs helps the readers (some are boomers like me) to read this.
Still an easy 4 from me.
p.s. I heard a comedian say "If you walk a mile in someone else's shoes, you are far enough away to outrun them and keep the shoes.
LOL
I like how you built toward the conclusion.
I do see some mechanical problems.
shouldn't "have no fear" be the singular "Has"
"disguised was -the- problem"
"gave opportunity" wouldn't "brought opportunities" work better?
Still this, as is, can be rated 4 stars!
This is a bit of grim humor for us boomers who, as kids, had no name other than "dementia" for what has now been identified as "Alzheimer's"
Still, it is an enjoyable read. As I age I'll also try to remember the glue trick!
I liked this.
You have worded this so that each sentence seems to be able to stand alone as a thought.
Except for the next to last line.
Suggestion - change from ... that waits... to .. waiting now to reflect...
(keeps almost the same number of characters, yet continues that ability to stand alone as a thought).
"... a trickle of fear zigzagging down my spine ..."
"... that vile thing..."
very good word-smithery (I hope that's a word.)
What I most enjoyed was the mother not simply making pronouncements, but leading the daughter by question and observation =
"How long do you think the table is?"
Ha! Your muse fled?
(I suspect to meet other muses at the Amusing Bar & Grill
and make bar bets over which of their devotees has more writer's blocks per month.)
Fun read and thank you for using a color font to show the prompts within the poem.
Well done.
Well done!
Human frailties, indeed create senryu.
And each line may stand alone, honoring Haiku tradition.
Then using the prompt,
you provide an enigmatic line tying all together.
I liked how you ended the poem with the same verse as the first.
To me that is the picture of the pianist, who enters,
sits at the piano for a moment of reflection, then begins.
Your poem built the tempo faster, then more passive then strident,
just as I feel much of Rachmaninoff's compositions seem to be presented.
The ending is just as the pianist finishes, and there is that tiny moment of reflection,
before they turn to the audience. A moment of perhaps, "Have I done justice to this piece, did they understand me?"
Here we go again.
That certainly ties into your note that no one escapes the rat race!
Short sweet story, anthropomorphizing a rat's behavior into our daily lives.
And I like how well you handle dialog.
Only one suggestion (unless you deliberately kept this under 300 words) would be
"He began with 'H', dot dot dot dot, tapping out 'here we go again'."
I like the pulsing that the same line as the first in each stanza creates throughout the poem.
The sound of when the rain, driven by the wind, suddenly increases and then abates.
Tin overhang augments the sound. That is true.
the last few lines cause the reader to ponder why the rain is more favored than the memories.
Very nice.
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