Greetings, Rick!
I found this by using the Random Read and Review button.
First off, it's been a long time since I read a script, particularly one of this length. You've managed to hold my interest pretty well, although I do feel it stretches credulity by the time we start wandering around the underground crypts packed with mysterious rotting books. For one thing, didn't they say there had been a fire at the Lodge? Yet there was never any mention of the fire or arson attempt after the two ladies started going to visit it in person.
By the time I finished, I was torn between annoyance and relief. I found the storyline slow, plodding, and scattered with logical slips that hint at a project you found a little too big to handle. What became of Agnes? How did it get so big? The plot left me with far more questions than answers, which I suppose was the intended effect, but I have a hard time taking it seriously. If Martin and Mr Carter (two characters who we're supposed to recognize and yet were not previously mentioned) were trying so hard to protect them from something that terrifying, they wouldn't have let them wander around digging through everything in the lodge and cheerfully prying open one crypt door after another like two kids playing Nancy Drew in a cheap movie.
Agnes wouldn't have left all of those important secret papers in an unlocked drawer in her library desk. And why did she want to share the secret? Was she unaware of the deeper significance of the land dealings? Why didn't the mayor have the police do something about the two women who are obviously meddling in an active investigation and holding back evidence? He could have done all manner of mundane legal actions to squelch them. Even Mr. Carter could simply have ordered them trespassed from his Lodge property.
The overall tone of this story was overwhelmingly unbelievable, moseying along from a cozy mystery to something resembling Indiana Jones, struggling to hold together all the dots and indeed losing a few of them by the end. And seriously, would they have gotten out alive after the place nearly collapsed? It took so long to get down that far, and yet they just magically glided back up to safety. And besides, when they got out, there would have been some evidence of the subterranean collapse from the top. The building would have shifted and tipped even slightly sideways. And wasn't it nearly impossible to ascend to the second floor? Yet a bunch of people were playing hide and seek on a floor with collapsed stairs. And I don't think they would have been able to move an entire wardrobe without making a peep of noise. Clara's unstoppable, calm demeanor is almost maddening; she and her friend don't feel like real characters. Honestly, none of the characters feel real. They feel like cardboard dolls, each filling their role in perfect illogical precision.
So... Yeah. Super duper premise, for sure, and I really appreciate your tremendous efforts here, but it just falls flat with all the slip-ups and the improbability. I'm speaking on an instinctive level, and honestly I can't tell you what exactly would make this script any better. Perhaps if it was in narrative form, it would be easier to keep track of everything and adjust for plausibility and realism, including making the characters flawed and "alive" somehow. Perhaps also you should consider cutting it down by several thousand words... I was as patient as possible while reading it, as I'm a quick reader and not averse to skimming when I feel like it's dragging, but I couldn't resist pasting this into iOS Pages, where it came back at 10,666 words  so yeah, I think a little less wandering around in those crypts would tighten it up a good bit and make it easier to read. The style was extremely monotonous and predictable, repeating the same descriptive vocabulary over and over in the hopes of making it feel suspenseful.
I'm sorry, I hope I'm not being too harsh. It was a pretty fun read, despite everything. I appreciate your efforts    and I do hope you appreciate mine. Please don't tell me ten thousand words wasn't meant to be taken seriously. I think that's the worst thing one can possibly say to someone who just spent a good part of their time reviewing your item.
Take care, thanks for sharing, and keep writing   
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| (4.0)
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A 20oz bottle of soda, for example, contains about three days worth of sugar 
What you could bring in is the concept of fear of failure, the team pressure, the anxiety of causing one's teammates to fail and being known as the loser. Shame plays a bigger role here than fear, perhaps, unless one really is afraid of injuries on the field, which is a serious consideration as well.
At the very least, does he remember to pray for her when he gets to church?
it's just an example to bear in mind as you build future poetry. The possibilities for thoughtful expression become so much broader when "the" is removed, it's amazing.
While you're at it, you can underline the title at the top of your item body, or maybe remove it since titles are pretty clearly posted anyway 
