I loved reading your story, and all the vivid details you put in. That's one of the marks of a good writer - using vivid details to make the reader feel as if they're really part of the story.
The one thing I would suggest is to try and break your larger paragraphs into smaller ones by looking for natural breaks between scenes in the story. That way, it will flow more easily.
You've got me intrigued, Douglas - Even I'm wondering where Katie got to. Was she kidnapped or murdered? I mean, something had to happen really fast, like someone sneaking up behind her and either making her drop, or taking and breaking her phone to make it hang up and keep her from answering it, right?
Poor Cameron, Katie has to be real in the story because people don't just vanish into thin air. Could Cameron have simply been dreaming about Katie calling him and disappearing?
I love this kind of story because it keeps my brain active. There are so many possibilities.....Did so and so do it? Could this have happened? Could that? If so, why?
Have you added any more to the story? I'm dying to know what happens next!
First of all. thank you for reminding me that it's okay to write/edit at two in the morning if need be, particularly since I'm a night owl.
I was drawn to your poem partly because I love the moon and the stars. Were you talking about yourself? Why don't you think you could be a star? Are you shy? Do you feel more comfortable being the moon? Remember that both of them are important.
I can't wait to see what happens when you edit it some more!
First of all, I love your story. The dialogue is cute, but it also reveals what Phil would probably say if he could really talk. I can see him saying all these things, especially now that he and Phylis have kids.
The story does a great job of highlighting the importance of environmental protection. I know that wasn't your original intention, but I think it aligns quite nicely with Earth Day. One of my favorite lines is:
"You people all deserve it. You kill each other. You ruin the Earth as if you can go get another one. You cheat each other and lie and are greedy."
The only suggeston I have is to make the font slightly larger so that people who have visual difficulties like myself can read your work more easily. Size 4 works just fine for me.
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