A truly excellent beginning. The first sentence alone makes me feel tensed and ready for the action to get started. You certainly deliver! You sweep together the human experience and the legends all into one short and promising beginning. You show and tell a beautiful story of parallel births and the potential for a great novel idea. I am excited to read more and I hope that you will continue to write. More, please!
Wow, a beautiful moment. I encourage you to keep on writing these moments! You start this piece out very strong with three questions and move it right along to the end. You use your vocabulary and sentences in a wide variety which keeps the interest of your reader glued to the page. I have to admit. I liked the feeling of this piece so much that I read it aloud in my living room. No one was home but that is how much I enjoyed the feel of the work.
This is a lovely sonnet. It's so gentle and just wraps you up in the feeling of love. I also enjoyed the picture that was included with the poem which compliments it very nicely. I have always had great difficulty in writing anything that follows a strict set of rules but you did a really nice job here. The repeating line is soft enough in feeling that it doesn't take away from the rest of the work. I have read this work a few times through and I really like how it dovetails the end into the beginning line. It's like a lover's whisper or rolling around on satin sheets. This is a great feeling to get from a written piece of work. Thank you!
Fantastic! This is a quick little read, but your choice of words, punctuation and spacing is just wonderful! I love this opening line, "archaic little lover", because it's SO true. I don't know about most people here at writing.com but I am in love with old school typewriters. You really nailed the feeling of using one of these babies for a period of time. If you aren't bleeding ink from all the writing that is done, it's blood from getting your fingers stuck in between the hammers while trying to obliterate typos with white out. LOL! Overall, well done and cheers!
I enjoyed this short story piece it shows great potential on the part of the writer.... Please allow me to elaborate.
First off, I love your writing voice! It's clear and really captures the moment in the beginning of this piece! This sentence was the first thing that really 'hooked' me... "The server, instantly put at ease by her calm demeanor and beautiful voice, while at the same time feeling an overwhelming sensation of unworthiness, nodded and retreated back to the kitchen."
"Sensation of unworthiness".... awesome! I think I have actually felt this way before when I have encountered too-beautiful people. Well done.
Throughout the entire piece you have a great mix of dialogue vs. description. You also have a healthy variety of sentences...not to long nor too short. I do not have the best grasp of grammar and punctuation - but from what I can tell - you nailed it all the way.
All in all - a good short piece but I just felt it faded at the end. You have this beautiful opening that is ripe with possibilities - and then.... well, she's a vampire. Perhaps it's because the market is so flooded with Vamps now-a-days that I feel this way but *please* do not take that as a criticism. You have a wonderful potential and I really wish you would stretch yourself to explore other plot twists for short stories. This piece is quite good - but I challenge you to do better ; )
All the best,
m.
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