GrueSum1's (jim-d) Reviews

Review Requests: ON

3,402 Public Reviews Given

3,450 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.

I'm good at...

I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).

Favorite Genres

Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense

Least Favorite Genres

Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.

Favorite Item Types

Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.

Least Favorite Item Types

I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.

I will not review...

I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.

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#4841771

Review of Volunteering 101

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hey Jacky

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd stop in!

You have a few interesting ideas about Volunteering. I say ideas, because I think it's important that you state that these are your opinions (we all know what those are worth), and not based on fact. If these are not opinions, you should provide a reference for each. Why? Because it's important that readers understand why you typed this. Here's a link to an article that provides ten tips on volunteering. It contains 2 of the points in your article, well done there!

https://www.networkforgood.org/volunteer/volunteer...

That article is good for me to pay attention to, as is yours, because I retired in May, and plan on doing some volunteer work. (I needed to have surgery on my back first is why it's been 6 months now). Probably at a local hospital, but we'll see where I end up.

I have to say that 'Taking Charge' is something I disagree with. Again, why? Take the idea of volunteering at a hospital. You don't need someone in charge, you need to know where you're needed, where you're scheduled to be. You don't need to take charge. But, if you're volunteering at an event, the story is different. You may (emphasis on MAY) need to take charge. It all depends on what you're volunteering to do.

It's an interesting article/Flash Fiction, I just think you need to rethink your points. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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#4841553

Review of Apparition

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hey cassierobbins

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd stop by for a minute.

You've penned a very interesting story, and despite my comments here, I loved it!

The one thing that caught my attention though, was the part where the Native American apparition appeared. That whole part of the story seemed to be rushed. Almost as if you knew where the scene was going, but didn't build it enough, or weren't quite sure how to build it. You might consider starting with this line (assuming you decide to edit this), The atmosphere around him changed, the hairs on his arms standing erect. But what triggered his body’s reaction?, and ask yourself, Could I slow the pacing some? Can I build this a little?

1. This sentence could be worded slightly differently, should you decide to edit this. He was convinced there would be nothing of interest inside having investigated sites like this enough times to know he’d come up empty handed. Perhaps this would work for you. Having investigated sites like this enough times before, he was convinced there would be nothing of interest inside and was fairly certain he’d come up empty handed.

2. If you do choose to edit your story, you might add a comma here. He felt a stillness devoid of sound lingering within, much like the sensation he’d felt when stumbling upon old cemeteries, something that happened often in his line of work.

3. Another minor comment for you with a re-wording suggestion. Clint turned the flashlight on his cell phone hoping to reveal more details. Perhaps something like this. Clint turned on the flashlight of his cell phone hoping to reveal more details.

4. An added problem was that dusk was rapidly approaching with golden light fading into dove. I don't understand the use of the word 'dove' in this sentence. Is this a typo?

5. I would use single quotation marks here to stress that he's thinking. I would also move the line after it so they're in the same paragraph. You desecrate a holy place. 'You desecrate a holy place.'

You've written an excellent story here, it might need a little editing TLC is all. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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#4841341

Review of Trapped

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hey BIG BAD WOLF is Howling

.

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop in.

Wow, what a fix this crow was in! I can't imagine what went through its mind as it struggled to free itself.

This is an excellent free-verse poem, I think your summary below the poem answered many questions someone might have. I only wonder about the act of snapping his trapped foot off. Did you find the foot, or is that an assumption on your part. Just curious is all. Crows are so intelligent though, amazing birds.

I looked at your portfolio, two members listed there are members no longer. I don't know if that's important to you, I just thought I'd mention it.

A sad story about a trapped crow, told well in a free-verse poem. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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#4841246

Review of What I remember

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey WakeUpAndLive~gummy worms BOO

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd stop in.

I think it's easy to read something and know it's written from the heart like this one is. It's so hard to have a pet, watch them grow, and enjoy everything they can offer. Their unconditional love.

Then you have to watch them enter their senior years, and realize you don't have much left with them. Like you in your poem, we went thru this with our Pumpkin 3 years ago.

Pumpkin

I'm so glad you moved past their passing and are happy now.

I saw nothing I can comment on in this poem, it's beautiful on its own. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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#4840630

Review of LIFE

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hey Naomi

,
I saw your suitcase on the Read & Review page and thought I'd drop in Review this. While there, I realized it's your Anniversary Month, so why not send an Anniversary Review also, even if the from is on vacation until the New Year? Happy 3^rd WDC Anniversary!

You are very right in saying that things in our lives don't turn out the way we expect them too. After all, I'm not wealthy yet, nor will I ever be really. But I'm rarely disappointed with my life, I've lived a good life, it's not been perfect, but I'm okay with that.

The second paragraph is excellent, I agree that The Most High created us for a purpose, and has a plan for everyone. (I'm glad I don't have to keep track of those billions of plans!) I mentioned being wealthy earlier, I keep in mind the song from Fiddler On The Roof, sung by Tevye. If I Were A Rich Man. Yeah, I doubt I'd know what to do with the money. I would love to help others in any ways The Most High guided me. I do not kid myself that I'd waste some of it. Most of it would be used to help others though.

My only suggestion/comment about your Documentary is that I wish it was a little longer. Maybe adding more about your personal life (not too personal though). Your ambitions, things you love to do or experience. Basic stuff, nothing more. Thank you for sharing, and again, Happy 3^rd WDC Anniversary!

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#4840476

Review of Suspicions

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey NormaJean AKA CHEER QUEEN

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop in.

Marie sounds so much like the neighborhood nosy person! The banter between her and George was good, it carried the story. Marie reminded me of Mrs. Ochmonek from Alf. She always had her nose in everything the Tanner's did.

Your closing line about the new neighbors being too nice was perfect. I didn't see any obvious errors to comment on though. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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#4840342

Review of A Hunting We Will Go

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hey thereBdragons

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop in for a visit.

For a bit of Flash Fiction, this is pretty good. Though you didn't tell is their age (and didn't need tO), I gathered were in the range of 7-10 years old. I chose that age because once a male hits 12 or so, their thoughts turn to other areas.

I found it cute that Cecil took weapons with him, but Cedrick did not. I also wondered about each monster being killed. Not that it matters in the story, but did Cecil really kill that Werewolf, for example. A child would just read on past it, I was left with questions.

I do have a one minor suggestions for you about the story.

1. Insert a space between your paragraphs. It just makes the story look, and read, a little better.

A cute children's story, thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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#4840252

Review of Part 1

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hey justanotherpoethero

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd stop in.

You made Tommy and the gang very real to me as I read this. I've never been one to hang out at a bar though, but they were real to me. I enjoyed their back and forth banter, it seemed that you might have based on personal experiences?

I think the dialog carried this, and carried it well. Despite all the love I have for this, I did see a couple of things you might want to look at, should you decide to edit this.

1. Sure, they set up a speaker behind there on Fridays that means the house band will shatter your eardrums before they’ve finished tuning, and you wouldn’t want to be anywhere on Saturday mornings except up at the bar watching the games and betting pints, but I like to think perfection would’ve robbed that booth of its charm (or at the very least, invited competition from the other regulars). This sentence is a bit long, of the run-on' type. You might consider breaking this up, should you decide to edit this. Here's an example" Sure, they set up a speaker behind there on Fridays. That means the house band will shatter your eardrums before they’ve finished tuning. You wouldn’t want to be anywhere on Saturday mornings except up at the bar watching the games and betting pints. I like to think perfection would’ve robbed that booth of its charm (or at the very least, invited competition from the other regulars), but it hasn't happened yet.

2. There are 2 or 3 paragraph first lines that are not indented like the others. Here's an example: Colleen rolled her eyes. Then, after a few seconds of putting up with our nonsense in silence, she turned to Tommy and casually asked, “So, wanna make out?” Use the {indent} command to indent the first line the same for each paragraph. Maybe you already know this and just forgot, or didn't preview this before posting it.

A very nice story of your people enjoying themselves. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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#4840119

Review of The Quarry WC 239

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hey jackiesmuse

I really loved the idea of your story! This is exactly what young boys would do given the time. I could see them in my mind as they jumped into the quarry. One question (of many) comes to mind. Did Joey really have a cramp, or was his leg also grabbed, like the others?

I do have one overall comment about it though. It's far too short! You start out watching Grandma Katherine make her famous strudel. Your main character is bored, and his mind shifts to the previous day. That's where you can broaden this, should you choose to edit it.

You could go Creature From The Black Lagoon with this if you so chose. Personally, how about a long piece of a kelp like substance that moves almost on its own? It could seemingly grab an ankle. Maybe it doesn't move on its own, but is alive, a bit like Godzilla or Kong. You didn't say you were under a word count; if you were at the time you wrote this, that time has passed, so edit if you like? It just needs more if you ask me.

A good story, but it's far too short.

Sum1

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#4839931

Review of I Choose to Write

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey Andrew Hinkley

,

I saw this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop in. Boy, am I glad I did!

I really enjoyed your story. The pacing of it was excellent, the plot was tight. The dialog between your main character and the King, the Shadow Figure, and his younger self really moved the story along.

I have two comments for you, neither is meant to be a detraction of the story.

1. Many of us here on WDC are a little older, seeing small font can be challenging. If you decide to edit this, you would use the {Size} command to do this. There are two ways you can accomplish this using WritingML. First, click the gear icon in the upper right corner and select Edit. Next, highlight the entire story and click the icon that has 3 S's on it. You'll then see a font size to choose (this review is written in font size 4). That's all there is to it! After you do that, you'll see {Size:4} (assuming you wanted to use font 4) in front of the first word, and {/size} after the last word. Obviously you can do this by manually typing the Size command (in brackets of course, along with the desired size), and the /size command, again in brackets, after the last word.

2. The other things you can do, should you decide to edit this, is place the title of the story above the main body of the story, and bold the text. Make that text slightly larger than the body's text if you like. You might consider placing a blank space between paragraphs also. These comments are my preferences, nothing more.

An excellent story! I hope to read more of your work in the future.

Sum1

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#4839824

Review of Ghostly or Just Ghastly

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hey thereBdragons

,

I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd stop by.

When Sam and Judith left on that walk, I was almost sure Sam would kill her. Glad to find I was wrong. That twist at the end was tremendous, thank you!

I enjoyed reading this, it was a cute, though a slightly short, story. Personally, I would like to have known a little more about both characters. That's just my inquisitive nature though.

I did see one very small thing you might want to consider looking at, should you decide to edit this.

1. There actually centuries worth of them. There should be they're. There is used to point out that they are in a location. They're means There are centuries worth of them.

Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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#4839738

Review of Deora Ar Mo Chroí

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hiya iKïyå§amhain

,
I saw this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop by for a visit.

Well, been there, done that. I bet we all have. Not in this fashion, not as blunt as this. And today, we're married. It was a bit of a road to tread, but we did it. She reminds me once in a while about it, I know it's in our past, she can't let go.

I will say that your main character made the same mistake that my buddy Ariel made when he broke up with his girlfriend Mary. I told him he shouldn't, what more can I say? She wanted to get married, he didn't. That was the biggest issue they faced. Maybe they'll get back together, he does feel he made a mistake.

Well written here. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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#4839586

Review of the candle

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (2.0)

Hey FairyFailWtites

,
I found this on the Read & Review page and thought I'd stop in.

I like your story, but it's far too short. It also needs a good bit of editing TLC.

Every story needs a beginning, and your story has that, in a way. It also needs an area in which the plot and characters can be built. That's missing. The ending is nice in its own way, but it's abrupt and leaves a reader hanging. Here are questions in my mind after reading it.

1. How did Rose come to have a Stiletto in her side? (How did she come to be stabbed.)

2. What significance does the black candle have in relation to your story? Candle is in BOLD text, almost as if you were writing this to meet a prompt. Warrent is also in BOLD font, and misspelled. It should be Warrant, the sang Wild Cherry.

3. Why did Rose lay the stiletto across her sisters throat. Again, what's the significance of that action.

What's missing here are details. The details of any story are the devil. It seems that you have the whole story in your mind. You know what's going on, it's there like a movie playing in your head. Your readers don't have this luxury, and have to guess what's going on. Tell us all about it, tell (and show!) us what's going on.

Other than capitalizing Rose's name at the beginning of this, nothing else is. Except the name of the song Cherry Pie. Other misspellings include extacy, it should be ecstasy. Give this story a nice solid 'look over', edit it, add to it so details of what's happening. Then you'll see better reviews, with higher grades. Honestly, I'm floored that it has an average rating of 4 stars.

Sum1

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#4839389

Review of A Bad Day Turns on a Rose... WC 292

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hey jackiesmuse

I saw this on Read & Review and thought I'd stop by for a moment.

This is a nice story, but I feel it lacks depth. What I mean is, Susan meets Tommy, but that's about it. If you were under a word limit, that's one thing. You didn't say that anywhere though.

What I was looking for is, what happened after the two of them had lunch? Sure Susan has a new friend, but he was described as being a bit disheveled. Haircut and bath needed. Yet you ended this with the two of them heading off to Ernie's for lunch.

A complete story needs three foundational elements. Characters (you had that) with Susan and Tommy). The plot, which I'm still trying to figure out, because the plot is the sequence of events. You have that to a minor extent. The third thing is the Setting. The time and place in which the story unfolds.

Maybe I'm just getting old and don't understand things anymore, so I looked this up. Here's the breakdown of each element.

Character: These are the people or entities who populate the story, driving the action and experiencing the events.

Plot: This refers to the events of the story, including how the conflict is developed and resolved. It's the "what" and "how" of the story.

Setting: The setting is the backdrop of the story, providing the time and location where the narrative takes place.

I guess the biggest part that is weak is the Plot. Do you need conflict? No! But you need to develop what happened between Tommy and Susan. Just MHO, I know what it's worth. I thought most of it was lacking depth, with what I'd call a weak ending.

It's a decent story, it just needs a bit of editing TLC.

Sum1

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#4839216

Review of Forbidden Words

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hey Kenzie

,
I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd drop in for a review.

This is an excellent story for me really, because I too believe in never saying "I can't." Yoda said something along those lines in The Empire Strikes Back, when he said, "No! Try not! Do or do not. There is no try."

That's something I took to heart when I first saw it so many moons ago. But about your story, it's so well written, covers many topics about trying or not trying.

I particularly loved the part where you said you were perturbed when someone says they can't do something without having weighed all options. Yeah, I haven't lived this fully I'm sure, but I usually refuse to say "I don't know." It's not the same thing, but I hate it when I don't know what's being asked.

This is an excellent reminder to always do something. Don't try, just do it. Do I sound like a Nike Commercial? I really loved your quotes about various topics that you have highlighted with Italics.

I have one very minor comment for you about this.

1. The first line of your story is a larger font than every line after it. I think having all the text the same size is best, especially for us older folks.

This should be featured where many people can read it. It may change a lot or people's outlooks on challenges they face. Thank you for sharing.

Sum1

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#4838653

Review of Runaway

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hey Amethyst SkellyBones Angel

,

I found this on read and review and thought I;d drop for a review!

You've written a nice, touching story that deals with homeless people, as well as reuniting those who are lost (in some way). I enjoyed reading it, but it did seem a little 'shallow'. What I mean by that is that you didn't delve that deep into your characters, and had a plot that didn't seem quite real. Here's my reasoning for saying that.

1. For a young girl of 5 or 6, Alice talked more like a teenager or grownup than a 5 year old. I could be way off saying that, but that's how it seemed to me.

2. I felt that when Joey told Alice that he is her father, it was rather abrupt, he was very blunt about it. That should have been a more gentle approach. Then again, with Joey living on the street, he might not have known any other way. I still think he would not be so up front and accepting of it. (BTW, I knew Joey was Alice's father early on, still..... )

Those statements are not meant to sound like I'm picking your story apart, they are minor things I noticed is all. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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#4838531

Review of Active Imagination

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hey Than Pence

.

I found this on read and review, so I thought I should drop by.

This is a decently scary story, it reminds me of The Twilight Zone in a way. Not a particular episode, but to me it is Twilight Zone-esque.

You had me going when his mother woke with Ladybugs all over her legs, and her husband's face covered in them. It didn't bother me, but it made the story. But, there's always that word, But.... I think the segue to that scene was a little abrupt. Should you choose to edit your story, I think you could build this a little more, after this line. She was thankful that he was a creative boy, but she hoped he would loosen his hold on the Pillow Pet sooner rather than later: home-schooling was not something she wanted to always be doing. Maybe something like "She decided to take matters into her own hands and steal Lawrence from her son.

Just a simple line, yet it lets a reader know that things are going to change in the story. A very good story, thank you for sharing!

Sum1

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#4838349

Review of 2. When Darkness Unhinges You.

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (3.0)

Hey brinas

,

I found this on read and review, thought I'd stop by to read this and maybe give you pointers (if needed) to improve this just a bit.

This is a interesting story, you have raised my curiosity some. In reading it thru, I felt it flowed pretty fast. A little too fast it seemed. Why? Details, those pesky details.

Your description of Cirtha was brief. Too brief with few details. You mention a fog haunting the city. A fog doesn't last very long, unless this fog was artificial, created by someone with power. That's my suspicion, but you don't mention that.

The story moved quickly from Morgana exiting the vehicle to to her meeting a man in a circle of ashes. I liked the dialog, but again, it was too brief and didn't build on the story plot. After telling the man who she was there to free, it moved to the Tribunal which was held in a roofless area. I liked your description of the Judge. The dialog between the Judge and Morgana was excellent, but it left me with questions, and seemed almost incomplete. Why? Because of the speed it moved at.

What is needed in your story, is this. Why does Morgana wish to earn the release of Kael? Why is he so important to her? That's the opening you need after Morgana enters the city. Then you can build the story based on that. Her meeting the man, why can only one be released, again, why Kael? The man in the circle doesn't seem important to the story as written, so tell the reader why he's there. Is he someone who filters those allowed to see the judge? Maybe like a Triage at an accident scene? Tell us!

You next shift to the roofless Tribunal. How did Morgana get there, or was it inside that circle? Without detailing more, that's what it needed throughout the story. You have it all in your head. A reader doesn't. So build it for us!

You wrote Silent black birds watched her from fallen electrical wires. If the lines were fallen, how were the birds sitting on them? It sounds like the wires were attached to a pole on one side, if on the ground, I can understand, if not, I have to wonder.

Thank you for sharing, it's an interesting story.

Sum1

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#4838289

Review of Silver

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hey Kay Carter

,
I found this on Read & Review ans thought I'd stop by. Your poem speaks volumes to me. We were all there, and though I'm male, I too went through a stage like this.

I think my favorite part or line, was this line: Children and husband of your habits
bounce off the dull, unpolished silver.

Yeah, I can identify with Silver myself. I never thought I was that handsome, not in a Rock Hudson way. (Aging myself here.) Of course I wanted to be, everyone had their favorite star they wanted to be like, mine was Rock Hudson.

I did see one thing that jumped out at me in your poem.

1. You wrote She wasn’t good enough then. You did that a second time too. In doing this though, you shifted from first person POV, to third person POV. Why? In the previous verse, you wrote We all remember my skeletal hands, My says, 'First Person'. Then saying she, third person.

2. General Comment. You might want to center this on the page. Being a bit of a newbie, you can do this a couple of ways. Click the gear icon in the upper right corner and select Edit Item. A new window opens. Highlight the entire poem text, then above the text, click the Center Icon, the same one you see on almost any Word Processing program, like Microsoft Word. While you're editing this, add the title above the body of the poem. Use Bold Text for the title. This is all WritingML, WDC's Meta Language.

If you need any help editing this using that WritingML, ask me, I'll be happy to help,

Sum1

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#4837791

Review of The History of Modern Medicine

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Hey tombrown12

,
I found this on Read & Review and thought I'd give it a look. I found it to be interesting and caused me to do a little research into your statements.

What I saw as I read your article, was a lack of documentation. Please allow me to show you what I mean.

In your documentary, you state - After purchasing the German pharmaceutical company that produced war chemicals for Adolf Hitler, Rockefeller used his political influence to pressure Congress to declare natural healing modalities unscientific quackery. Rockefeller then took control of the American Medical Association and began offering large grants to top medical schools, requiring them to teach only his approved protocol. In a documentary, you need to provide a reference for statements like this. None was provided when I read it.

Why do you need to provide a reference for statements? Without documentation, any statement made becomes a 'he said, she said' type of thing. Proof must be provided. It doesn't have to be from a website, it can be from manuals or books that you've read. In providing a reference from a book, be sure to provide the chapter/page number, and quote it completely. You shouldn't paraphrase anything, otherwise it's not a valid reference. Allow me to provide an example of quoting a manual, but using exaggeration instead of actual facts. A Nuclear Submarine has a shaft horsepower of 175,000 SHP, and the shaft can turn at 500 rpm at full speed. Yeah, a nice statement that is completely false. If I added a reference, and changed the numbers so they are accurate, it could be true. I can't do that because that's Classified Information, but you get my point.

As I read this, I got the impression that this is a rant. It's almost a Vendetta against all things Rockefeller. When you write something like this, references are not something you provide if you want to, they are mandatory. Thank you for sharing!

Sum1

WDC POWER Reviewer

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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#4837589

Review of Go Big or Go Home

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hey nomlet

,

I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page of members with more than 20 years on WDC and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 20^th WDC Anniversary!

For a Flash Fiction piece, you really built a vivid scene in my mind as I read this. I've never had a BMX bike, had no idea what certain moves are called. Now I know what a tail whip is, thank to you.

I think Kyle was very smart to not try the tail whip that day. I often wonder how many times something like that is attempted before a rider gets it down and can land it every time. I also wonder how many times the move is unsuccessful. My favorite part was when Kyle decided to attempt this another day.

I do have one suggestion for you about this, should you decide to edit this.

1. Place the title of this in the body of the work, centered on the page. Make the font bold also. I use a font size 4 in about all I do on WDC. It makes it easier for older eyes like mine to read. I would also make the title one font size larger than the body of the story, maybe 4.5, should you use font size 4 for the body of the story.

Sum1

WDC POWER RAIDER

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

22

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4837480

Review of When The Budgie Hits The Fan

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hey onaya3

,

I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 23^rd WDC Anniversary!

I will start by saying that I completely disagree with this article. Overall, I liked the article and respect your opinion. Why do I disagree with it? Because guns don't kill. Unless they get into the hands of those uneducated about them, or one who is very mad at something or someone. This, coming from a person who does not own a gun too.

What we need, IMHO, are mandatory classes on gun use and dangers. I think back to my 7th grade year. Y'know, dinosaur times, it was 1966-67. I knew nothing about sniffing glue or taking drugs, until we were forced to watch movies on the subject. You're probably laughing having read that 'sniffing glue' statement, I guess that was a thing well before my time. I have never used any drug that wasn't prescribed by a doctor. I was in the Navy for 20+ Years, on Submarines. In my field, if you failed a random 'pee test', you stood to lose almost half your pay, plus a reduction in pay grade. So I stayed away from that stuff. But I digress from your topic, Guns.

What I was getting at, is that there should be mandatory classes on the use of guns, and how dangerous they can be are in the wrong hands. This needs to begin early though. Plus, I'm sure it would be unpopular with parents. My point above was that I knew nothing about illegal drugs until I was educated on them. Today, guns are a completely different subject. I don't have an answer, but I have to disagree with your article.

Though I disagree with it, your wrote it decently well. There were a couple of places that you seemed to be ranting though, you need to be careful there. You also cited the Sun Herald in Washington DC about a curfew. If you provide a reference in your article, you need to provide a link to that article, and/or copy and paste from it, and provide a link to your reference. Otherwise it's your word against mine.

You mentioned getting rid of the guns in the second paragraph. How do you plan to get this done? Because I'll tell you what would happen. The 'honest' citizen might turn their weapons in, but what about those on the wrong side of the law? Next thing you know, they would be the only ones with guns... You can see where I'm' heading with this thought.

I do have a couple of comments/suggestions for you about it.

1. Place the title of your article in the middle of the page by using the {center} Command. In case you don't know, completely highlight the title, and click the center icon above your text. Alternatively, you can type {center} before the start of the title, then type {/center} at the end of the title. You should also put the title in bold text.

2. Why, do you ask, is it that this author makes her arrogant claim? This is worded a bit awkwardly it seems. If I may offer a small suggestion. Why is it that this author makes her arrogant claim? It just seems to read a little better if you ask me. You used this same type of wording at least twice in the first paragraph.

Sum1

WDC POWER RAIDER

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

23

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4837407

Review of How Giving Thanks Became a Holiday

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hey Joy's busy haunting

,

I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page of members with more than 20 years of membership and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 24^th WDC Anniversary!

You've written a very informative article about the early settlers in the New World. I've read a bit about this in the past, and was familiar with the name Chief Massasoit of the Wampanoag people. Sadly, the influx of settlers from Europe caused tension between Native American's and the new settlers. What I find the most sad, is that many, many treaties were written and agreed to by both sides. I'm sure you know which party broke every treaty, EVERY time. Yep, our Government. Each time, the reason for breaking it was different. When the Native American's warred against the settlers, it was to defend, and try to gain back, their Territory.

Well written, but I expected nothing less from you. My favorite part was the discussion of the first unofficial Thanksgiving of 1621. Yep, their feast was nothing like what various communities enjoy today. I would liked to have tasted any part of that feast. If I could time travel, that's one era I'd travel to.

The one thing I'd like to see you expand on, should you choose to edit this is:

1. I think the American people (in general) have a grave misunderstanding about Native American's. To American's, the Native American's were a bunch of savages who wanted nothing more than to kill White Men. They have little to no knowledge of why. While Hollywood usually shows them on horses, did you know that horses were not Native to the New World? Yep, the Spanish brought them over, I'm not sure when though. As a child, I remember reading a story about Native American's hunting Buffalo. A young boy wore a Buffalo skin with his head hidden in the skull of the hide. He rubbed against several animals, and when they became spooked by the hunters, he made sure to somehow direct them to run in the direction of a cliff. Of course the Buffalo ran over the cliff, killing themselves. The Buffalo were then skinned, and a lot of meat was then taken back to the tribe. I find that very interesting. Native American's gained horses through trade and escaped feral herds. Records show that they may have acquired them as early as the mid-1500's! So, I think if you this small paragraph, it might help readers understand Native American's' more.

The concept of friendship and diplomacy between the IndiansNative American's and the colonists, unfortunately, did not remain for very long. The rapid increase of the colonist population in New England led to tension and wars. I'd also change the word Indians to Native American's, the name used to describe them in today's world.

Sum1

WDC POWER RAIDER

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

24

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4837204

Review of Who is Super Sleuth? Part I

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hey super sleuth

,

I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page of members with more than 20 years of membership and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 21^st WDC Anniversary!

I loved reading your biography, I feel like I almost know you now! We're almost 10 years apart in age, but I grew up doing about the same things as you. I remember playing hide n seek, kickball, football/baseball/basketball (at the park, after we moved to a better neighborhood). We also played cards when indoors, monopoly, and so many more games. You were right in saying that you don't remember anyone being obese back then.

While reading this, I looked up several things. Your school (Saint Thomas Aquinas) is on the corner of 9th Street and 4th Avenue. I've been to Brooklyn on business, but I was in downtown Brooklyn, staying at the Hilton on Schermerhorn St. Barney & Cecil? I've seen little of their shows, I could still relate to the show.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beany_and_Cecil

Also, my father rolled his own cigarettes; like you, I've never smoked, despite spending 20 years in the Navy, serving on Submarines. When we lived in Milwaukee, my sister and I would roller skate around the basement singing Swanee River. To me, it's a little surprising how our lives, though about 5-7 years apart, were so similar.

Your discussion of life in your apartment, washing clothes and such made me pause for a moment. I've seen things like that on the TV, but never experienced them. However, when you talked about the wringer-washer, I could really relate. That's the only washing machine we had, and used it until I joined the Navy in 1972. Man, one of our chores was to wash my nieces diapers before going out to play. Like you, we had a clothesline to hang clothes on. Ours was just in the backyard, not between buildings. This was my favorite part because I could really relate to it.

Like I said, I loved your biography. However, I couldn't help but notice a few very minor things for you to consider, should you decide to edit this.

1. What I remember most about "Winky Dink and You", was the fact that you could participate at home with what was going on on the TV show. It seems that you need a comma after the first usage of on.

2. It definitely did a better job than my sister and I did, it also cut down on the drying time. You don't need the second usage of did.

3. After a while my father purchased a small red machine that rolled the cigarettes a lot faster then they could. Then should be than.

4. Frania and I looked forward to our parent's payday, it meant that we got paid too.
When mom gave us each our ten cent allowance we thought we were rich. It seems you hit the enter key (called a hard return) while typing this section of your biography. You should place a comma after allowance.

5. Although I loved to sing, I couldn,t carry a tune to save my life. You used a comma instead of an apostrophe in couldn't. If you had a Polish keyboard, this would be normal, believe it or not. Don't ask me how I know that.

Sum1

WDC POWER RAIDER

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

25

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4836769

Review of Jase and the Djinn

Review by GrueSum1

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

"Anniversary Reviews" is celebrating A QUARTER CENTURY of Writing.Com!

Hey ridinghhood-p.boutilier

,

I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page for highlighting members with more than 20 years on WDC, and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 20^th WDC Anniversary!

I loved your story! The idea that a djinn would live in a small necklace bottle was an excellent way of getting your idea across to a reader. Be Strong, Be Brave, Be Kind. Man, the world sure could use more of that, all around the world too!

I think my favorite part was at the end, when Jase learned to be exactly that, Strong, Brave, and Kind. You can't win every game, we all know that. You just have to try and be your best.

There was one thing I saw that you may consider, should you decide to edit this.

1. "First of all," said Gramma, IT is a he, and sometimes he grants wishes, but not always." She continued, "His name is Fred, he has green skin and purple dredlocks
and you may ask him today for the deepest wish in your heart." It seems there's either a 'hard return' after dredlocks, or you have too many spaces between the words, and the ol' WritingML got you.

Sum1

WDC POWER RAIDER

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .