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This is good. I really enjoyed this. One suggestion: This is funny! Ditch the genre "Other" and replace it with comedy. Nobody looks in the genre Other, and getting eyes on our writing is why we post.
I do have another suggestion. When Dempsey finally fesses up, go a little farther in showing the passage of time. I'd like to suggest adding one more sentence at the beginning of the paragraph:
Dempsey sheepishly approached me, his head down.
Seven words. I think it'll make a world of difference.
Bear in mind, this is just one man's opinion.
Otherwise, I see no glaring errors, nothing else I would change.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
Well, I'm not a country music fan, but I'd put this on my Spotify list. This is definitely a country song. This is very good. I was trying to write music for it in my head as I went along. Alas, I can't write music.
I see no glaring errors, nothing I would change.
(Truth be told, I have quite a bit of country on my Spotify - I just played Donna Fargo's "Funny Face." I just have more rock, pop and disco. I also have jazz, New Wave, big band, folk ...)
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I'm sorry for the end of your relationship.
This is well written, but I have a couple of suggestions. Please put a couple of spaces after the period at the end of the sentence. Forgive me, the word.Word format looks weird to me.
The second suggestion is far more serious. For the love of God, use genres! No one will read this if they cannot find it! I would recommend Personal, Relationship, maybe Love. Find a couple of them so this can be found. Getting eyes on our words is why we post. Please use it. This is very good and needs to be seen.
I do want to know why you have a line break in the middle of the lines, where I think they aren't necessary.
Otherwise, this is a good piece of writing. J liked this.
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This is good. Interesting. There is truth in your words. One thing. I noticed that the first word was not capitalized. Was this on purpose? If so, that is fine.
I see no glaring errors, nothing else I would change.
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I think it's a good piece of writing when the most important criticism is on the title. "bloody" is fine, but IMHO, "I'm Sorry" might be better. This is good. You convey your inner turmoil very well.
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I didn't expect much when I started this, since I am not a fan of free-form poetry. However, this is good. You have conveyed the experience of living away from family, and done a good job. I see no glaring errors, nothing I would change.
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Very well done. You drew an amazing word picture. The last time I was in Toronto was 1979, and I don't recall seeing the water front, but I could imagine what it looks like from your description. Well done.
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Wow! This is good. Very well thought out. The expected ending with an unusual method was a cool idea. This was 2nd place? I need to find out what won! I really enjoyed this.
I found no glaring errors, nothing I would change.
As a lifelong civilian, thank you for your well thought out words. I pray we as a nation live up to our promises.
This is good, but it could be better. I'm not a poet, so I'm going to tell you what I think, but I'm not qualified to tell you how to correct what i think could be better.
The first few stanzas are spot on. I even like the 3rd line's cadence is different from the other lines. In the last couple of stanzas, the cadence is off a bit. Not much, but I noticed it.
Besides that, I saw no glaring errors, nothing else I would change.
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This is average. That doesn't mean bad, it means average. I didn't exactly understand what Sally saw. I understand you wrote this for a contest. The contest is over. Expand this. Put in more detail. What I saw was an SUV flying like an airplane.
Don't get me wrong wrong. I like this. I just wanted to see you improve it.
This is excellent. Well thought out, well written. However, your genre choices are horrible. Other, Contest, Contest Entry tell us, the reader, absolutely nothing. And they are probably the least visited genres people go to to find something to read. Keep Contest Entry is you want to, but the contest was 4 years ago. I recommend Death, Military, Spiritual, Dark, genres like that. Please let this be seen by more people.
That does not detract in the least from what is a fine piece of writing. You have done a wonderful job on a difficult subject.
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This is not bad. I noticed a couple of issues with the cadence of the piece, and a few of the rhymes seemed forced, but by and large, this is an enjoyable read. Which is what we want as authors.
One thing I strongly urge you to do is set this up in a couple genres. This is too good to be buried in a genre nobody looks in. There are several this might fit into, like Experience, or Comedy. We all post out babies here because we egotistically think we have written something that people actually want to read, and we think they will enjoy our scribblings. Or, at least that is why I post. Make it more available to be read. I enjoyed this, others will, too.
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link, and am I ever glad I found this important editorial, if for no other reason than as an excellent look back at a terrifying time.
Early in the piece, I quote: "I remember the Ku Klux Klan and people going missing in our neighborhood and the folks telling us (the children) not to as White folks and to remember our manners.". There's a missing word or two somewhere in the section itself I italicized. I noticed a few typos in this as well. Like I don't have them.
I remember COVID. Now, after the pandemic has passed, it's nice to look back. I remember a post that said churches and bars are closed. If Heaven and Hell agree, it must be serous. We've made it through through the test, sad but alive. I love Grandpa (my dad), 4 close friends, a brother-in-law, and the grandson of a close friend to COVID, and nearly lost Uncle (my brother), and I've survived 2 bouts. Yeah. COVID can kiss my ass.
I see no glaring errors, nothing I would change. (that we could change, LOL).
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This is well written. The musicality is good, the rhyming scheme works. It was not to my taste, but that doesn't mean that if doesn't work. You wrote this well.
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You said what needs to be said, over and over and over again. I found the cadence to be off sometimes, and the rhyming scheme to be inconsistent. I think reworking this would definitely help. For example, the 1st stanza, the the 1st and 3rd lines rhyme, & the 2nd & 4th lines rhyme. In the 2nd stanza, the 2nd & 4th lines rhyme, but the 1st and 3rd do not. I feel that this inconsistency hurts an otherwise poem.
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This is good. I found some editing mistakes. The indents and the paragraph spacing are inconsistent. This is a minor thing, but it'd make it easier to read if you corrected it. It also seems like it could be expanded, made longer, to allow more character development. Tommy could be a very interesting character.
Other than that, I see no glaring errors, nothing I would change.
This is interesting. Microfiction has its uses. I think there are a few issues that could improve this without overly extending this. I didn't understand "other couples of balls." It meant absolutely nothing to me. I there is a typo in the next sentence. In the fire3 words, did you mean "they may have..." instead of had?
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OK I wasn't ready for the punchline. This is good. Mother Owl serving as the narrator is a good choice, and her character is well developed. This is well written, believable and entertaining. I enjoyed reading this.
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This is very good. I was saddened by the twist at the end, and I didn't understand getting Dave and Ashley together, but neither detracts from the whole that this is a very good story.
I noticed a few typos scattered around this that could be corrected, but if you read any of my stories, you'll notices a few typos scattered around that could be corrected.
Other than that, I see no other glaring errors, nothing I would change.
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Ah, the wonderful GPS. Fortunately, I use common sense when using it. I was driving Grandma and Grandpa (my parents) to his brother's house about 8 years ago. It wanted me to get off the interstate and take a dirt road for a few miles. I said, ah, no!
This is well written, although I don't understand why some followers showed her their IQ (their extended middle finger). I see no glaring errors, nothing I would change.
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First off, this is a well written short story. The situation is believable, as any parent will attest. The characters are well drawn and interesting. A 4-year-old who will do anything, including cook, to get Mommy's attention.
Which brings me to my second point. It's so easy to blow off a small child with a "Go play.". I remember one time I was making vegetable soup. My great nephew wanted to see what I was doing, and wasn't taking no for an answer. Now, you have to understand. When Dad make vegetable soup, Dad feeds the neighborhood. I set the pot on the floor, opened the cans, and handed them to him to pour into the pot. Much easier than fighting him.
I must say, one thing Son learned from me concerning raising Grandson and Granddaughter is to choose your battles, fight only the ones that you can win!
As for this, i see no glaring errors, nothing I would change, other than bringing Dad one of the cupcakes!
I found this by clicking on the Read & Review link.
This is very good. I really enjoyed the limerick form of poetry, and this is excellent. There are a few issues with the cadence, but it's a limerick. Who cares?
I found no glaring errors, nothing I would change.
I strongly urge you check "Linericks" . We have a great deal of fun.
Smiles
Dad
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