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Printed from https://web1.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jocelynw
Review Requests: OFF
154 Public Reviews Given
194 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Varies depending on piece. Some of my reviews are long and detailed; others are short and sweet. I often make notes on paper before I write my reviews.
I'm good at...
Editing. Vocabulary. Grammar.
Favorite Genres
Prose only. If your piece has a good, sensible title, I will review it. Fiction and non-fiction, Articles, essays, opinion, anthropology, history, science, and more
Least Favorite Genres
Poetry, - Novels, they're just too long.
Favorite Item Types
Statics only
I will not review...
Erotica, Zombie, Vampire, fantasy, fan fiction and poetry
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of The Book of Life  Open in new Window.
Review by Jocelyn Green Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a funny story. Thank you for writing it.
Jocelynw
2
2
Review by Jocelyn Green Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I can't tear myself away from your portfolio! This is a great piece about a child who loses his family and then walks the road of life alone. You used tone very well to characterize the narrator and to create the 'western' feel. The piece flowed ahead, I think, because of the great word choices you made. The plot contains the drama of a mother's death and later the father's death.

If you want to work on it further, perhaps you could add in some dialogue. Maybe you could describe the scene of the route the family travelled to the West - the dust, the smells, colors.

Thanks for a good read.
Jocelynw
3
3
Review of Prokoptein  Open in new Window.
Review by Jocelyn Green Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
The title of your story intrigued me. You wrote a fine tale about St. Cyprian and his conversion to Christianity. However, it seemed not to have helped him and his true love in the end. The persecutions of Diocletian were too great to overcome.

Jocelynw
4
4
Review by Jocelyn Green Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to wdc! Thank you for writing this essay about Chapter 4 in James.You have a clear writing style that is easy to understand. I appreciate your explanations of James' words and hope to read more of your writing. The idea of complete submission to one's God is an ideal worth striving to reach, but is a great challenge for us humans in our everyday lives.
Jocelynw
5
5
Review by Jocelyn Green Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for writing this story. You intrigued me with your title and opening paragraphs and I couldn't stop reading until I finished it. You summed it all up perfectly with your conclusion. What a deep subject this is. I hope you write sequels. I am curious to know what living means to Hazel.
Jocelynw
6
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Review by Jocelyn Green Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for writing such a clear article/essay about the issue of lack of internet privacy. It was a pleasure to read and you provided valuable information to us users.
Jocelynw
7
7
Review by Jocelyn Green Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a real good read. You illustrated your arguments so well. It was a pleasure to read a piece written with good grammar and compound-complex sentences. Of course, I read with much bias; I don't have a facebook account and don't plan to. I like to read real books or talk to people I can see and touch.
Jocelynw
8
8
Review by Jocelyn Green Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love this humorous story about eating. It made me laugh and chuckle all the way through. You made your characters come to life with great dialogue - distinctive ways of speaking - and two your main characters definitely stood out. In a flash fiction piece, you accomplished a lot.

Jocelynw
9
9
Review of Call Me Harry  Open in new Window.
Review by Jocelyn Green Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a good story for flash fiction. Considering that it is about a man's mid-life crisis, you could also have given him a modern, flashy, red sports car.

Jocelynw
10
10
Review by Jocelyn Green Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
What an interesting piece about those forwards. I've never considered this aspect before. All I thought about until now was 'how annoying'. So now I can 'not read' them and delete them - without guilt. I figured that those items were created for the purpose of forwarding until now.
Jocelynw
11
11
Review of Thy Will Be Done  Open in new Window.
Review by Jocelyn Green Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a super sci-fi story. It's deep. I liked the way you interwove religion, outer space, and technology in this piece. Have you considered writing a longer version of this - a novel perhaps?
Jocelynw
12
12
Review by Jocelyn Green Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Sparky,
Without knowing the technicalities of reviewing poetry, all I can say is that your poem is full of great imagery and emotion - much pathos. You made a good job of it.
Jocelynw
13
13
Review of TALL TALE  Open in new Window.
Review by Jocelyn Green Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This story has the sound of a tale being told out loud. As a work of writing, though, it requires editing. The sentence fragments could be changed into full sentences. I don't understand the sentence beginning with "My imagination ran wild..." - It doesn't seem to say anything. The conclusion is good, but again, it could be in full sentences.

That said, I love the sentence: "This might eat me but I was going to leave a bad taste in its mouth." It's a great metaphor.

Jocelynw
14
14
Review by Jocelyn Green Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What a good story. You did a swell job of moving your plot forward and characterizing the antagonist and protagonist with dialogue.
Jocelynw
15
15
Review by Jocelyn Green Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Why I Chose This Piece: The title, at first, but the forshadowed action is what kept me reading.

Overall Impression: There are many unnecessary details: She walked down the hall to the elevator, she pressed the button, she entered the elevator, she pressed no. 5, she exited the elevator, she walked down the hall, she searched her unorganized purse, she found her keys, she unlocked her door, she headed to the bedroom, she came out of the bedroom, made her way to the kitchen, when the chocolate was ready, headed to the piano, put the cup on top of the piano, sat down on the bench...

Readers can infer that those details occur: She's making cocoa - usually done in the kitchen.
She has her cup of cocoa - it's likely she'll set it down.
She goes to the piano - it's likely she'll sit down on the stool.
These details detract from the intensity, the suspense that you are trying to create.

What I Liked: You used dialogue well to build your characters.

- You described the storm perfectly throughout. I especially liked your reiteration of 'FLASH. BANG.'

In the end, I don't think the title fits the story. There's just too much action. You could call your story "FLASH. BANG.", and use your present title in your description of your story. The new title should get you a lot of reads!
- This is a good story for your 'It was a dark and stormy night' topic sentence.

Keep on writing.
Jocelynw
16
16
Review by Jocelyn Green Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is the first piece of your writing that I've read, and I enjoy your good grammar, spelling, and compound and compound-complex sentences.

You might consider writing a longer version of this piece, describing your emotions in greater detail, with metaphors, etc. Perhaps you could write a short story and develop the characters of your family members, your father, and even the Hospice workers. I understand that it could be difficult for you to write more if you are still grieving and I empathize.

The fact of your father being "almost there", of course, is the focal point of this piece.

I enjoy your writing voice.

Re the third paragraph - "The rest sat ..." - 'The rest' does not seem to refer to anyone preceding, so I couldn't understand who they were. Perhaps you could elaborate to make this more clear.

Keep writing in your retirement. It's a great occupation.
Jocelnw
17
17
Review by Jocelyn Green Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is well done, very well-written. Your imagination in comparing politicians with animals must have been in overdrive - or was it? You consistently manage to tell your stories with intriguing beginning sentences, action and humour in the middle, and powerful concluding paragraphs. I truly enjoy your sense of humour.

Now I get to nit-pick. I noticed a sentence fragment. - "For the same scenario ..." Could you write, "He knew the same scenario..."?

Jocelynw
18
18
Review of Fishy Story  Open in new Window.
Review by Jocelyn Green Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Again, your good grammar, writing style and gift of good storytelling kept me reading until the end - nay, kept me entertained until the end. It gave me a good belly laugh.

There is one thing that I don't understand, likely because of the Aussie idiom. What do you mean by 'a Noah's Ark'?
Jocelynw
19
19
Review of Double Chris  Open in new Window.
Review by Jocelyn Green Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I sure enjoy your writing style. I don't often read love stories, but this one rates high with me. I love the attention you pay to good grammar. The character development is superb, and the plot moves ahead, first, because it is good; second, because of the interesting dialogue.

You have talent.
Jocelynw
20
20
Review by Jocelyn Green Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I read this story because you seem to be keen about being a writer, and I gather that you want to be a published writer of novels.

As it stands, this piece seems to me to be far too graphic to be read with interest by the general reader. My suggestion would be to tone down the references to ass, and other words for that anatomy. Try to talk about the surgery using medical terms. I understand that this will be difficult to do because your feelings and fears about the surgery and the lack of communication due to the language barrier are very strong. But I urge you to try.

I noticed some more specific grammar issues:
- One is a difficulty with past tense of verbs. Most English past tense verbs end in 'ed'.
- Dialogue - A new paragraph is needed each time a different character speaks. Even when two characters are speaking back and forth, a new paragraph is needed.

- The sentence beginning with 'Little did he know...' - This is an example of awkward construction. Do you mean: 'He did not know what to expect when a new doctor visited him.' ? If so, changing that sentence to this will suffice.
- Also, doctor does not need to be uppercase unless you address him as
'Dr. Jones' or 'Dr Smith'.
- The phrase 'showed up' is too casual for writing that you want to publish. The doctor 'visited' is more acceptable.
- 'in his prison hospital room' - This phrase is redundant. We already know that JD is in a prison hospital room'. That is why you can omit it.

I encourage you to keep writing and I hope that you found my suggestions helpful.
Jocelynw
21
21
Review of A Close Call  Open in new Window.
Review by Jocelyn Green Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I read this piece because I wanted to know how childhood ended early in the Middle Ages. However, I did not see that this description of the piece accurately depicted what the story was about. Perhaps this is a rough draft of a more detailed story - is it?

A number of awkward constructions made the story difficult for me to follow:

- 'Brown menace answered' - What does this mean?

- 'Out of reflex' - You could try something simple like: 'Her quick reflexes caused her to plow her fist into the boy's face.' Also, you might want to explain how it came to be that she had quick reflexes.

- How did raising her knee make the man double over? I don't get what actually happened here. Can you clarify?

- 'Flexed her fists' - I've heard of people flexing their muscles, but not fists. 'Clenched her fists and...' seems to me to be more accurate. Interestingly, the word 'clench' was used in the 13th century, which is fitting for your piece.

- 'Threatening on her lips' - Perhaps you could say, 'Her lips threatened to utter a ...' Also, was she really thinking of uttering something 'witty'? I would think that a threat or a curse would be something she would say at a time like this. Why did she refrain from saying it?

- 'Way too close' - This phrase is much too casual in formal writing, though it's fine in everyday modern conversation. I would suggest using 'much too close' in a written piece.

Consider the phrases used in everyday conversation and even in our thoughts, and avoid using them in written pieces - except in dialogue.

I hope that you find my suggestions are helpful.
Jocelynw
22
22
Review of A Final Wish  Open in new Window.
Review by Jocelyn Green Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a well-written story about a dying man's last wish to see his granddaughter one last time.
The extensive use of pronouns throughout creates a supernatural mystery appropriate to the plot of death, funeral, grief, and angel.

A couple nit-picky things:

- 'Underneath...' - I'd suggest 'beneath' to maintain rhythym.

- 'It was almost time...' - This construction is awkward. You could try: 'It was almost time; only minutes remained'.

'...open the door...' - A comma is needed after door and 'He' can be written without an uppercase 'H' to form a sentence.

'careful manner' - Consider other synonyms for 'manner'.

'split second' - This is a cliche. Try another phrase.

'He pulled a silver chain...' - It's unclear from where he pulled the chain. Why not just say 'He gave her a silver chain...'

Keep on writing.
Jocelynw
23
23
Review of The Pit  Open in new Window.
Review by Jocelyn Green Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi Christina,
I am curious about this topic, and so read about it quite a lot. You did a good job of describing the way victims of the Holocaust felt while waiting in line for one of the gas 'showers'. I would suggest omitting the first 7 words of dialogue because they don't provide an effective 'hook' to catch the reader's interest. You could begin with "We are so many here." That intrigues the reader. Then, you could have your characters dialogue in a way to elaborate. In any case, in the rest of the piece, you have used dialogue very well to make your characters real to the reader, and to move the plot ahead. Your concluding sentence is splendid, and the metaphor is very well done; it evokes so much emotion.

Write on.
Jocelynw
24
24
Review of The Blind Date  Open in new Window.
Review by Jocelyn Green Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)

For some reason, I didn't like this one as much as the others. The dialogue seemed quite ordinary and stilted. It didn't succeed in contributing to the creation of lively characters or move the plot ahead in an interesting way. I guess I should have clued in to the plot when the 'woman' said, 'You can call me Amanda.' But I didn't - because it seemed so ordinary for a woman to use a name not her own in such a situation (like we do on online dating sites). You did put in a number of plot clues, too, I see on re-reading, but I didn't 'get' them. Maybe you could make them stronger with more interesting words.

Another suggestion is that you rework the dialog to make the characters come alive. Maybe the two could discuss a controversial issue of interest to them both, in addition to their blind date. Or maybe your characters could use short, reiterative phrases, peculiar to each one, that would make their personalities stand out vividly. For example, Amanda could use a phrase like, "I'm so silly" a couple times and Seth could say, "I hate crowds", which could make Amanda's character a nervous person, and Seth's character a shy person. That's not perfect, but you get the idea.

I hope it's possible to do this with 500 words.

The conclusion was a powerful twist to this dialogue story.

I hope this helped a bit.
Jocelynw
25
25
Review by Jocelyn Green Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This dialogue piece is also a really good read. The author is a master of dialogue. I thoroughly enjoyed the comparison of marriage to a good sandwich, dependent upon the quality of the ingredients.

I noted that the husband seemed to soften at the reassurance of the "I love yous" of his wife. He must have felt quite insecure, as displayed by his jealousy and opposition to being changed (I interpret change as compromise). He didn't seem to mind that his wife had changed for the marriage (or compromised).

I enjoyed the foodie concluding sentences, too. What a good finish.

Write on.
Jocelynw
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