Hello Ms. Smith, all honor to you for presenting your work for review.
Reading your work gives the impression that this will be part of a proposal for a book or short story. You present much mystery in your descriptions of your protagonist (I named her Ayanna). This mystery allows use of imagination in picturing her.
Please allow me to rewrite your work and offer you a different arrangement of your words. I have no basis to think that this is either better or worse – just different.
*****
Ayanna is a young woman who finds herself starting on an adventure, which will change her life. Her sepia toned skin set off by sparkling purple eyes. A medium build, long legs and an hourglass figure, give her a caged gentle look, which misleads people into believing she is not a fighter. Many have regretted this when they crossed her.
Recently, an old crone read her fortune, and told her she had a magical gift. Ayanna wonders if her birthmark is the source of this gift. Extending down her right arm from her shoulder-- at times it would glow a purple hue.
Pondering this new information, a phone call interrupts her thoughts, she is accepted by the Althea Academy for gifted teens. She consents, not knowing then that she will learn the secret of her gift -- -- and that friends and enemies are not always what they seem.
*****
Once again, thank you for allowing me to read your work. I enjoyed your use of visuals and think you have a good grip on character development. Best wishes for your success and prosperity in life. <Joel>
Hello EvilDawg, thank you for your entry. I hesitate to comment on anyone else’s endeavors, as I have not reached perfection. However, let me share my views with you.
During the first read, I am caught up in your story. I find myself second-guessing what direction you wish to go. You drop enough clues along the way to keep me moving towards the end. I note the areas where I stumbled in your story.
To describe the boats seemed technical, number, their dimensions, unremarkable -- -- however you took time to remark on them. In your third paragraph, you say, "that made sense." How so and why was the number 32 important? Only two characters are of interest in the story. How about two boats with only one soul in each boat?
The boats started floating how to sea, and you lined up in front of the boats to get in. I had difficulty picturing that.
As the tide pulls you out to sea, you started giving me sensation and emotion words. "... the sky grew dark..." "... threatening..." "... warmer..." "... fiery explosion of smoke and bright orange and red columns of flame..." I responded to this paragraph in your story. If you plan to rewrite, you may wish to expand your use of this technique.
If the large obelisk is solid ebony marble, how would there be a door into it?
Just some nitpicks for you to ponder. I thought you wrapped up the story well and felt good with your ending. You left me plenty of room to use my imagination.
Thanks for your submission, Memento Mori <Joel, a.k.a., Jay-J>
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