As a major fan of CSI, you brought back so many memories, those of Jackpot and Lady Heather in particular. Thank you for the work that went into this piece.
I am happy to find your portfolio and will be back soon.
Garrett, you have a tendency to do what I still do, which is to write extremely long sentences. I call it a rambling style of writing. (grinning)
You might want to clean up the formatting in the story. You have blank lines between many paragraphs and none between others. This probably was caused when you posted the static entry into your portfolio; a good habit to get into is to do a Save and View to double-check how your entry looks.
I do have a problem with how you handle dialogue, whether spoken or thought. It often disappears into the paragraphs instead of being in quotes or in italics.
You might have noticed I haven't reviewed your actual story line. Normally I keep my reviews to grammar, punctuation, and formatting errors. I do have one question, and I hope you simply made a typo.
((I chuckled at the sight, recalling my personal name for the memorial after watching that movie: Aperaham Lincoln))
Who is that?
Good luck with your Writing.com storytelling. You've made a good start with this prologue. As one who has published four e-book novels and one collection of 52 short stories, I know how much fun writing a novel is and how daunting editing will be.
WOW! You have posted one long, LONG paragraph. I can see why people might not want to review it. Probably they don't even bother to read it. I almost didn't, but thought I could offer you my thoughts.
First of all, I have a suggestion to make it easier for your reviewers to read. Your story needs paragraph breaks. A blank line between them would help. You also could use this site's Indent feature as many of us do.
Another problem I noticed in the half of the story I did manage to read is you are not using any dialogue, just telling us what a character has said. After fixing this, don't forget to make paragraph breaks when people have a conversation.
Please take my comments in the friendly way they are meant.
((Her lips began to tremble as she waved her head to each side, nodding resiliently.))
This sentence confused me; I got rather dizzy when I tried to emulate it. Did she move her head from left to right or up and down? I'm not sure how to wave my head, but the word is your choice to write.
This needs work. First, remove the extra [. Then the spacing seems a bit off. Some other sentences in this chapter also need editing for punctuation and spacing.
You've made an excellent start to what I'm hoping will become a full-fledged novel. Please take my comments and suggestions in the friendly way they are meant.
Carlee, my only problem was your lack of punctuation, mainly commas. That caused me to reread some sentences to make sense of them.
Other than that, this was a very nice story, which shows you handle descriptions well. Because that's a weakness of mine, I look forward to reading more of your portfolio as you add entries into it.
You made a good start with this prologue, but I do have one friendly suggestion to help you improve the story. Your failure to use commas made for reading these few paragraphs a bumpy ride. I'm including a link that might help you with this pesky punctuation mark.
First, welcome to Writing.com (WDC) from a writer who has been here since 2005. I hope you have as much fun as I have had.
Next, I do like your imagery of what the girl saw riding on the bus. The only problem I noticed was with hyphenated words. Because I also am struggling with them, I found a great online site that might help both of us.
Thank you for the delightful poem. A piggacat would fit in nicely at my home.
I have a cat who thinks she's a dog and follows me from room to room.
I once lived with a cat who thought he was a possum, sharing his comfy bed with Possy, a wild animal who often came through the cat door for the night.
Yes, I'd love to have a piggacat joining my feline family.
Wow! What a great plot. I've been reading science fiction since I was your age, many decades ago, and always am excited when I read stories like this one. There were no problems in grammar or punctuation that popped out at me, and I hope to continue seeing more of your stories on Writing.com in the future.
For the pleasure you gave me this morning with this piece, I'm giving you one of my rare 5.0 ratings. Good luck with "The Writer's Cramp - Poetry Week" contest, and a BIG welcome to WDC.
Nichole, I wish more people would add on to their Writing.com bio like you did here. It's always a pleasure for me to learn more about my fellow scribblers.
If you have the time, maybe you could check out my own attempt at expanding the WDC (writing dot com) bio. Periodically I update it, so if there's anything else you think should be shared with other WDC members, just let me know.
I almost forgot. Welcome, rather belatedly, to this great writing site. Sit back and let your poems flow into your portfolio.
Those two lines could be spoken about my older sister, the only one in my family like that. She left us back in 1996, but your lovely words about your brother brought back my memories of her.
I'm a big fan of robot, androids, and all other types of artificial intelligence. Isaac Asimov was an early hero of mine, and I believe his three rules pertain to all of those created creatures. Your AI, though, should be ashamed of herself for acting in such an inhuman, ah, unrobot-like way toward her poor husband.
Thank you, Lonewulf, for the good read. I may now never look at my robotic floor washer or lawnmower in the same way again.
Judity 1,000 Words or Less
My new collection of short stories
would make an inexpensive gift http://tinyurl.com/68fkoo
You have the start of what might be a fun, fascinating, much longer story. Why have you stopped writing? Other than a few punctuation errors, I see nothing basically wrong with your piece, other than you left your readers hanging.
Now, I have absolutely nothing against cliffhangers, as many of my own readers know, but don't leave us waiting too long. Good luck with telling us where Elena goes next.
Judity
Just a thought!
Books make inexpensive gifts *** ** Image ID #1473721 Unavailable ** http://tinyurl.com/45fn6s
You did the bitem correctly and led me effortlessly into the delightful story. I have only one comment for your post about this entry. Never apologize about anything you write. Your reviewers are more than willing to let you know what you did wrong.
Now to your story. I thoroughly enjoyed it and particularly thought the ending was perfect. Good luck with "The Writer's Cramp - Poetry Week" contest, and I hope you win.
Lastly, I'd like to give you a rather belated welcome to Writing.com. Relax, write, and have fun!
((At thirty-four, I cling to the hope there is still plenty of time for someday to roll around.))
Okay, Melkor, enough futzing around because someday is here! Don't wait as long as I did, until the age of 60 or so, before starting to write. Just begin with either a story or poem, depending which is more to your taste.
Reviewing the portfolios of others is all fine and good for a bit, and I appreciate your checking out mine. You've been here since April, however, and only posted this opinion piece?
If you're waiting for inspiration to hit you, why not check out "The Writer's Cramp - Poetry Week" daily prompt contest? That's where I get a lot of my ideas for short pieces. You also can get generous GP's when you win.
Now, I hope to see you on "My Favorites" list with a new portfolio entry soon.
((I discovered that he went by the name "King" and came from, you guessed it, Grace land.))
Tsk! Tsk! Any true Elvis fan would know Graceland is one word. Also, I had to read your last line below a couple times, searching for that elusive "A" and not finding it. (evil smile)
***The Elvis impersonator picked the "A" tile and consequently took the first turn. Guess what his first word was? It was "suede."***
I liked your story. It brought back memories of the many, many years I had to go to the laundromat before buying my very own washer and dryer.
Thank you for bringing Bobby "back to life" for all who enjoyed his singing. You have a way with words that pulled me into the story. I loved the following line about Walter Winchell:
**She left him to marinate in celebrity secrets and oil of cloves.**
If I have one suggestion, it would be to break this very long chapter into more than one shorter static item. Many of us have little time to read such long entries. You have Chapter 1, but then could make a chapter 2 static item at the point where you wrote "Darin at the Copa." You could then provide a bitem link at the end of chapter 1 to the next static item as I do in my longer stories.
This, however, is just a thought from one who will continue reading no matter how you put it in your portfolio. I hope others who remember Bobby Darin will come and read the start of what I hope will be a longer story.
I have just a few comments for your delightful story. Although you start out writing most of it in the present tense, every now and then a past tense verb slips in. For example,
***He gestured to his mother to get him paper and pencil so he could write the directions he was being given.***
Next, don't forget proper punctuation. You forgot a period after the word good-bye, and I notice you do this quite often.
***“Thank you, good-bye” Arnold hangs up the phone.***
In the following sentence, you might want a comma after fees instead of a period because it leaves the next three words just hanging out there.
***“Well, that sure would help pay your tuition fees.” His mother said**
There are quite a few missing punctuation marks in the next sentence. Instead of the following,
***“Some day” he vowed aloud to himself “I will make her proud” he nodded to himself “I will pay her back”***
try it this way:
***“Some day,” he vowed aloud to himself, “I will make her proud.” He nodded to himself, “I will pay her back.”***
I liked the message in your short story. Arnold made a wise decision to not compromise his moral values. Excellent start, Mari, but your story could be perfect with a bit more care with your punctuation.
You definitely are an asset to this writing site, and I hope to read more of your pieces in the future.
As a writer who recently delved into my own version of mythology, I hope your Marie gets to change her university major. Perhaps she will discover even more of the ancient Greek deities on that mountain in the future. If so, I hope to read more about her finds there.
I did enjoy your story and plan on exploring your portfolio in the future.
This was a delightful story, and I was swept into the young lady's anguish over being a potential wallflower. William seems to be a perfect gentleman, the type that has sadly disappeared over time.
Thank you for letting me share Elizabeth's first dance. I'm hoping to read more about her in future stories, perhaps with William as her beau.
Many reviewers said I was way too hard on myself in my own Dear Me letter. My friend, you have me beat by a wide margin. I'd think you'd be very scared of yourself after reading that. Are you rushing to get going on all those goals before receiving another such letter from yourself?
I have one very serious question to ask you. Do you still have any of that body part left after chewing out your own butt so roughly?
You compose a mean letter, and please consider that a compliment.
((After a few months in the neighborhood, the family that owned Mixup, the Greeley’s, that they couldn't keep him around))
There seems to be a word missing in this sentence. Other than that and a few misplaced punctuation marks, your story is a winner to me. Over the years, I've found the best pets are those that find you like Mojo and not the other way around.
I thoroughly enjoyed this story and hope to see you posting even more stories from now on. I'm now moving you in My Favorites folders from "empty portfolio" to New Writer in 2008. YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!
I do understand complaining about the winds of winter snow storms since I used to feel the same way. However, the wind is now a friend of mine, especially when it comes at the start of the rainy season that is northern California’s winter.
You wrote a nice piece and brought back memories of my own New England winters. I’m not sure if I should thank you for doing this, but I will. (smiling)
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