Great start, but it seems like you ran out of words.
I understand that this is only a snapshot of a story, and I can picture this - but I have a very vivid imagination. I think you can throw in a couple of more movement descriptions to set the stage just a bit more.
I would've loved to know what the young girl said to make it happen. Guessing we're talking a Gen-z? Even maybe just the opening line of her presentation, which would be something weird and gen-z like, but would have caught the attention of the crowd.
Could turn into something interesting.
But you are not going to remember anything at 2 years old. So either you are older, or there is some hidden figure (a nanny who yearns for revolution, family friend who stayed close, etc) that told you all the stories about what happened to you.
Grammar and expression needs a bit of work, too.
But the premise can be used to build something solid.
What a twist. No exclamation, because I'm still trying to catch my breath.
Well written, story almost seems too long and slow, but you do want to find out what happened. So you continue to read.
Even the twist is as "oh well" as the rest of the story. Poor girl really locked up her heart, didn't she?
This was a fun read!
Not quite sure what happened there at the end, but I guess he just causes such bad luck that their whole plan when sour.
Loved the pace and the descriptions. I can see the start of a movie... or perhaps the end of one? Gangsta Chicago style...
I've had the same. Nothing you do seems to achieve anything.
The only knowledge that saved me from the spiral, was also the thing that drove me to it:
I am the only one who matters.
What I do, what I achieve, is for me and for my life. Not for anyone else. No-one else really sees it. It's heartbreaking, but also freeing.
Goodness, this was great!
I did not want to read it at first. Poetry is very personal most of the time, and can be really amazing and also really not.
But I was completely gripped by the time I got to the second verse.
Love the extra-ordinary words (dash on purpose).
Great scene setting.
And my anxiousness flared up at the end there.
A interesting twist on the Little Red Hen using modern things.
My only critique would be: a look at how the friends that didn't help, asked to get some of the fruit, just so she could tell them "no". Perhaps they could've looked at their own wallets and saw that it did not grow. Helping her would not have harmed their harvest in any way.
But overall, a good play on a traditional story.
I love it when you are put at peace in your dreams. It is quite surreal. And it sounds like you've had just such an experience. I've had some of those, too.
The world is literally falling apart around you, and you are vulnerable in a crowd full of people waiting to tear you apart.
But it's only a dream.
Although, for me, it's not that you dreamt all of that. It's that in the midst of it, you got the message you are safe. That is the important part for me.
So whatever is coming or is happening in your life, you got the message: You are safe.
Hold on to that.
This is a very powerful poem. It shows clearly the weight of unsaid words. And it also shows that you did not feel seen or heard. So you didn't say anything. It's a horrible cycle. I've been there, so I can understand where this is coming from.
Words not said. Deeds not done.
Poetry is hard to critique, because of its flee flowing format. But it feels as if more could be said, or expanded upon? But then again... that is part of it. There weren't anything from the other person's side to work with. So it works, too.
On a personal note: you can only hurt someone who cares. Even if you did say the words, would it really have made a difference?
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