 
minniemouse,
Welcome to Writing.Com! From viewing this story, to me, it looks as if you are a fairly new writer. Below, I will attempt to give you some pointers on various things which make up a story.
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It's not just the words of a story... There's punctuation to consider, how to format internal dialog (a person's thoughts), and how to format dialog, (exchanges of conversation between two, or more, people. Other things go into a story, but these three will be the ones I have suggestions for.
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No matter what I say in my suggestions, or what anyone says, your words which make up this story are good enough to be called a good story. I encourage you to keep on writing... without writers, the world spins more slowly.
Suggestions
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1 Mogi looked around in front of him sitting on a chair, was a girl.
•Mogi looked around comma in front of him comma sitting on a chair comma was a girl.
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2 "Wait, no.” thought Mogi, “that’s an angel.”
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The sentence above needs no quotation marks, the words weren't spoken. You could write the actual words Mogi thought in italic letters, Wait, no, thought Mogi. Or you could just write them in plain letters. Wait, no, Mogi thought.
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Wait, no comma thought Mogi. "That’s an angel.”
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Below is an example of how to format dialog. After one person speaks, begin a new paragraph before the next person speaks. Each time a different person speaks, begin a new paragraph.
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3 Not again.” He said. “Let me get that.” Said the angel, she unchained him, and he sat up. “My name is Theresa.” Said the angel, “I was assigned to protect you; Móguǐ zhīzǐ.”
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Not again comma ” he said.
“Let me get that,” said the angel period
She unchained him, and he sat up.
The angel said, “My name is Theresa comma “I was assigned to protect you comma Móguǐ zhīzǐ.”
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4 Luke!” he shouted. “Easy,” said Theresa, “you transformed twice today, just try to rest.” “where’s Luke?” asked Mogi “he’s gone,” said Theresa, “he possessed you, so I had to do something."
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Dialog separated below . . .
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Luke!” he shouted.
“Easy,” said Theresa, “you transformed twice today, just try to rest.”
"Where’s Luke?” asked Mogi period
"He’s gone,” said Theresa period “He possessed you, so I had to do something.”
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Separate the dialog of the two who are speaking into different paragraphs each time a
different person speaks.
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5 Please don’t call me that,” said Mogi, “it reminds me that my life has been a lie since I was first born.” “Then what should I call you?” asked Theresa “call me Mogi.” Said Mogi, “it’s a terrible reminder to know that my name means ‘son of the devil’ in Chinese, so I really prefer Mogi.”
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Please don’t call me that,” said Mogi period "It reminds me that my life has been a lie since I was first born.”
“Then what should I call you?” asked Theresa period
“Call me Mogi comma ” said Mogi period “ It's a terrible reminder to know that my name means ‘son of the devil’ in Chinese, so I really prefer Mogi.”
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6 On the contrary sir,” said Theresa, “this young man is capable than you think." "Ok,” said the man, “then follow me.”
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On the contrary comma sir,” said Theresa period "This young man is capable of more than you think.”
• Separate the speech of different people by creating a new paragraph.
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“Ok,” said the man, “then follow me.”
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7 the bed was lined with silk, light shone through the stain glass windows revealing...
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The bed was lined with silk, light shone through the stain glass windows revealing...
• Here's one more example of your dialog, and a suggested edit.
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This used to be our best barn, until the night when the flames appeared.” Said the man, “it’s been here for three years, and whenever someone goes near it, they go crazy!” “I see,” said Theresa, “I would recommend that you leave sir, to avoid any unwanted consequences."
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When someone speaks, and is finished speaking, you add a comma and say, said the man, don't begin (said) with a capital. It should be just like below.
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"This used to be our best barn, until the night when the flames appeared comma ” said the man period "It's been here for three years, and whenever someone goes near it, they go crazy!”
• Separate the two speakers dialog.
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“I see,” said Theresa, “I would recommend that you leave comma sir, to avoid any unwanted consequences.”
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I hope this helps in your future writing.
Regards, jackson
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