I think you have a good basis for a short story here. You give Faye a good sense of character, and I like the way she manipulates the man into thinking he is in control of the situation (until it becomes clear that he isn't). I'm excited to see how this could turn out with some focus and a little bit of polish. The tone of the entire story comes off as though the narrator is in awe of the main character. Rather than an omnipresent and anonymous third party, what would you think of telling the story from the point of view of her ghoul? That would explain the narrator's seeming intoxication with the character and, in my opinion, provide a deeper insight into her dark and manipulative nature than is currently available.
Another alternative you could try would be letting the reader make their own choices about Faye's attractiveness. Describe everything accurately and in detail, but remain neutral about it. However, that being said, I really do like that the entire story seems to be a poem or song of praise about her, and switching to a neutral point of view might lose that.
Finally, I have some articles of grammar to which I would like to direct your attention.
The last sentence of the second paragraph is a fragment. If you change "radiating" to "radiated" it will correct this.
When the waiter addresses Faye, I don't think the young tongue-tied boy confronted with the romantic and sexual appeal of a thousand teenage crushes would call her "Ma'am". I think "Miss" would be more appropriate.
When the man asks the driver if he "knows the viper room", consider switching the "he" of "he nodded" to "the driver", to keep the characters straight.
And my last point: In the paragraph in which Faye attacks, you've a typo: "pulling him towards him".
I hope some of this helped! Sorry if I come off as critical. I wouldn't be offering any suggestions if I didn't like what you had so far or think it had potential. You have a solid idea for a story in mind, and there's nothing that exists that can't be improved.
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