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10 Public Reviews Given
19 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Rated: E | (4.5)
Catty-

I've read a bit of each piece in here, and they're pretty well done, I have to say it's not my cup of tea, but they are well written.

The only question I had was why you still had:

 Invalid Item Open in new Window.
This item number is not valid.
#796621 by Not Available.


in this folder? Plus it is still listed at a Short Story when it should be a... memo? article? I dunno something maybe. Or... I could just be crazy... one of the six.

-Bart the Omi/Loco/Kitty

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2
2
Review of An Anecdotal Life  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I've started reviewing your journal, I've gotten through the first five entries, I'm hoping to get the rest before tomorrow morning (we'll see how that goes, I've got formal tonight)

An Anecdotal Life Open in new Window. (18+)
Ordinary tales of an ordinary woman.
#808237 by My Wee Amanda Author IconMail Icon



Beginning - One July Day

"Beginning - One July Day" Open in new Window.

This is very cute, I can't wait to read the rest of the journal.


Spelling:

"running with big black trashbags over our heads"
"running with big black trash bags over our heads"


Grammar:

"no boys, no responsibilities."
"no boys, and no responsibilities."

"but to my little brother and I, it would be an adventure."
"but to my little brother and me, it would be an adventure."


Content:

This is such a cute piece! There are a few places where it is a bit awkward at times, and I would suggest reading it over out loud, if you don?t notice anything awkward then don?t change it!


Overall:

Extremely cute, I'm anticipating reading the rest!


4.5 Stars


Great job!




110

"110" Open in new Window.

Wow.


Spelling:

"getting terribly sunburnt in general."
"getting terribly sun burnt in general."
I was kinda amazed "sun burnt was two words.

"before or since been in an airborn car,"
"before or since been in an airborne car,"


Grammar:

"potential interferences by the law."
"potential interference by the law."


Content:

I wouldn't change anything. Besides next time being in the car with you *Bigsmile* . I'm actually jealous that you got a car to do that! Closest I've come was... well... maybe I shouldn't influence the young minds of writing.com *Smile*


Overall:

Great piece, I'm curious did you ever tell your parents?


5 Stars


Still jealous *Pthb*




Kentucky

"Kentucky" Open in new Window.

Thank you, thank you so much. Please please please make this into a static item by itself. This is such a powerful story, and unfortunately there a lot of people who experience this and don?t realize what happened. I'm not saying take it out of your journal, heavens no, but more people will read it if it's a static item <- my opinion.


Spelling:

"unresponsive parter for so long"
"unresponsive partner for so long"

"Isn't the gorgeous?"
"Isn't she gorgeous?"

"than I knew what had awaken me."
"than I knew what had awakened me."
I think it might be "then" also, but that one I'm not sure about

Grammar:

"There's a lot of them, but I love them all. I got lucky, we're a really happy family."
"There are a lot of them, but I love them all. I got lucky; we're a really happy family."

"I simply laid with my eyes closed"
"I simply lay with my eyes closed"

"My conscience was repulsed, astounded by"
"My conscience was repulsed; astounded by"

"I laid still at first, afraid I would"
"I laid still at first; afraid I would"

"outside the window, still dark but"
"outside the window; still dark but"


Content:

So amazing, I felt like I was there, I wanted to help you, reach out to you. That's what a reader needs to feel.


Overall:

One word: Perfect.


5 Stars I don't care how many spelling/grammar mistakes there were.

Thank you for sharing such a powerful piece.




Snips and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails

"Snips and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails" Open in new Window.

The title confuses me, but it's very cute.

Spelling:

"one of the best techinical artists"
"one of the best technical artists"

"We are giong to sit here until"
"We are going to sit here until"


Grammar:

"Forget it, I don't"
"Forget it; I don't"

"wrong with me, you should"
"wrong with me; you should"

" but I got plently of punishment"
" but I got plenty of punishment"


Content:

Great! I wouldn't change anything.


Overall:

Wonderful story, very cute.


4.5 Stars

You're stories are all quite cute!




Royal Pain In the Oaks

"Royal Pain In the Oaks" Open in new Window.

Awesome title :)

Spelling:

"he called to the laborious bovine" <- I know what you mean, but I don't think that's a word...


Grammar:

"about forty acres, with a barn"
"about forty acres; with a barn"

"joining in alongside we women."
"joining in alongside us women."


Content:

Nothing about it I would change.


Overall:

This piece is really wonderful, thanks for sharing it. You have had such an interesting life!


5 Stars


Five Entries Read So Far:

"Beginning - One July Day" Open in new Window. 4.5
"110" Open in new Window. 5.0
"Kentucky" Open in new Window. 5.0
"Snips and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails" Open in new Window. 4.5
"Royal Pain In the Oaks" Open in new Window. 5.0

Total:
5.0

I'm guessing that's going to remain true while I read the rest of the stories, so I have no qualms in rating it now.


Thanks so much Amanda

-Bart the Omi/Loco/Kitty

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3
3
Review of Clueless  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
This is a nice start for a story, but I think there are a few things which can be improved upon.

First I'll start with the nitty gritty details:

You should keep the spacing the same between the paragraphs. Either make them all double-spaced or single-spaced. Don't jump back and forth between the two.

I found quite a few spelling and grammatical errors:

"If she was like, wearing that skirt any higher, she`d need a bikini wax,"
It seems in this line that you used the key next the one instead of the apostrophe.

while crisp looking boys in adorably preppy red ties and khakis
You are missing a space between preppy and red, remove the comma.

perfect, be perfect. Which isn't too terrible.
The "Which isn't too terrible." is not actually a complete sentence. That said, a simple fix would be to change the period to a comma so it reads: "perfect, be perfect, which isn't too terrible."

And nothing was worse for Kirsten, then not getting what she wanted. Especially if Tasha was closer to getting it than her.
Again, "Especially if Tasha was closer to getting it than her." is not a complete sentence. Drop the period and add either a comma or semi-colon.

Adam was so incredibly sweet. Such a rare and remarkable quality in a high school boy (or any boy for that matter).
Here a comma or semi-colon would work instead of the period; personally I would use a semi-colon.

She knew she wanted him, though. Bad.
Again, not a complete sentence... here a semi-colon would work, but I'm a fan of using an ellipsis (...) in a place like this, but it would probably read better if you added an "and" before the "bad." So it would read: "She knew she wanted him, though... and bad."

"That girl does love music, it's so hot."
I'm pretty sure this is grammatically correct, but I think it would work better if you put in a semi-colon or an ellipsis (...) instead of the comma.

Boy, was she clueless...
Drop the comma, there's no need for it.


Second on to the content:

Your description for this piece reads: "A catty battle of wills and endearing goof ups between 2 high school girls over a boy."

Now I've always been told when ever you are writing a number less than ten you should spell it out instead of using the numeral, so "two" instead of "2". My main point about your title is that I personally don't think it describes your piece. I guess I could see how there was a battle of wills, even though it is not really prevalent in the story. However, I didn't see any endearing goof ups. I guess you could consider getting lost in the city a goof up, but that doesn't seem endearing.

It seems like this is a good start to a story, but it's unfinished. Some people are going to like that the ending leaves you hanging, but to me it seems like it leaves you way too out in the open.

The content in the story is nicely developed, you do a good job describing things, and explaining. I think you could expand the story a lot though.

Overall this is a nice start, but I would like to see more.

-Bart
4
4
Review of Dear Father  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow, this is a very powerful poem.

The only thing in the poem that I personally would not have done is the ending period. It's a matter of choice, and obviously yours was to include it. Myself I would have either punctuated the whole poem, or not at all.

I wish that I had something more to critique, but the poem is great as it is.

Bart
5
5
Rated: E | (4.5)
First off let me tell you I love this story! It reminds me of something like a combination between Office Space gone bad and something from a really bad nightmare. The few critics I had were mostly grammatical.

I noticed that you put no periods after "Mr" and "Dr". While I have no idea if this is grammatically correct or not; when I stick the piece into Word it underlines all of the "Mr"s saying that they need the period. It doesn't underline the "Dr"s though.

The line: "To make matters worse, the doctor put his glasses back on, reopened Daniel's file and began flipping pages." I think should have a semi-colon instead of a comma. This line is right at the end of the first page if you put the story into word.

Three paragraphs before the second # sign is the line: " "No, Amy's?I hardly even think about that anymore." " There is a space missing between the ? and I, but even with the space this line seems... I have no idea what the word I'm looking for is, but I'm confused as to why it's "No, Amy's?" instead of "No Amy?" I'll say again that grammar is not always my high point, and maybe I'm missing what you are trying to say, but it feels like it reads easier to me.

The ending of the story was great. I have to say that I didn't get it the first time I read it, but the second time I noticed the name change. Maybe I'm just being a bit slow, but is there someway you could incorporate something to indicate the change? Maybe have Dan yell at Daniel while he is pinching himself?

I think sulfurous is spelled with an 'f' also.

-Bart
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