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500 Public Reviews Given
517 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
If you're really desperate for a review, feel free to email me. Just don't expect a very quick turnaround. NB: I'm happy to review novels. I tend to review from the point of view of a reader rather than an editor. I 'nitpick' on anything that interrupts my reading flow. If you want me to go all out with nitpicking in general, ask me to do a line-by-line. Quite happy to do so - as a copied static or email.
I'm good at...
Getting into the story from the reader's perspective.
Favorite Genres
M/M, romance, horror, western
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi THANKFUL SONALI Party Hopping! Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering, and apologies for the lateness.

Show the Sin and Falling Victim to It
The sin seems to be Envy, but we don’t get to see it for a while. The first third seems to just be a woman still stuck on the fact that thirty-three years ago a man called off their wedding. Although she is happy where she is at now, that event still picks at her so Pride is as apt as a starting sin.

Either way, the currently unnamed protagonist is a bitter person. Thirty-three years ago she could certainly blame the man who walked out on her without reason, but it’s she who has carried that on and who is without a husband or kids or, by the sounds of it, people she really thinks are friends. Pride has festered so much she’s turned to resenting people who’ve gotten on with their own lives.

It is interesting how young children have a way for putting an adult in their place. The world for them is not complicated and they will also speak what they want when they want and to whomever they want. It’s clear that the protagonist has a friendship with Geraldine (and vice versa) and that Lenny knows this woman who is making him peanut butter sandwiches. His observations take her out of her own head, which is good, and its obviously very uplifting when he names his baby sister after her.

For too long, Sania has been blinded by that long-ago rejection, never seeing that people do love her and want her around and appreciate her, never seeing that people might indeed be envious of her in return. It’s good to have a happy ending here.


Things to Work On
The only thing really to say here was that the sin wasn’t very pronounced. Sania had a moment of resentment in the van (which is not envy, really) but there wasn’t much else to go on so connection with the prompt was a bit hazy.


Closing Comments
I liked that this story had a happy ending, and that Sania could start to believe that she was a person who could do everything for herself, do anything she wanted to do. That it took a young child to get her to that point is just a bit depressing but things can only get better for her from now on. And it was good to see that she and Geraldine did have a strong friendship.


Thank you once again for entering "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don’t hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
2
2
Review of Final Target  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Amethyst Snow Angel Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering, and apologies for the lateness.

Show the Sin and Falling Victim to It
I couldn’t quite figure out what the Sin is here. I wouldn’t have said Greed in the first instance because a gambling debt is more idiocy than greed (unless there was big money being won, and it doesn’t read like there ever was), and he says himself that doing some cooking of the books at the bank was straight out desperation. He also accepts the new job out of desperation, though… the money that’ll come in does start to prick at him (gambler!!)

I wondered about Pride too because Kevin is not humble about his ability to shoot a gun and he does fear what Linda would say if she knew about the finances—as the man of the house, he would be humiliated by his failure there. There is even Lust since he does enjoy his new job (not sexual, but a sort of heady blood-lust satisfaction).

Aside from all that, Kevin is quite an ‘opposites’ man—he’s afraid of his wife finding out about his gambling but he’ll argue back to and bait a mob boss? He has some attitude there, but he does come across as a barking dog on a short leash. Sadly, I didn’t feel a whole lot of sympathy for him; he might have tried to hold a conversation in his head about he wasn’t a bad guy and he was only doing it for this and that reason, but he also accepts that he kind of enjoys himself. Perhaps that’s because he believes he only needs to kill five people, but that’s still five people he killed in cold blood. He is truly nothing but a murderer and his whole ‘I’m done, don’t call me again’ just isn’t strong enough to by-pass that.

It’s definitely a tale of a hole being dug deeper and deeper and a lot of action gets the reader on the edge of their seat. No matter what sin Kevin has fallen victim to (he goes with Greed in the end) it’s pretty clear that he was never really going to make it out of everything the right-side up. I didn’t guess about Linda until the end, so that was a good mystery, and her reaction cannot be surprising at all. However… her comment about needing the money makes it rather clear that she knew about the gambling habit (even though she must have also known how their finances were going?), so I wish the pair had just sat down to have a good married-couple chat!!

It would be fascinating reading this story again, but from Linda’s point of view. I don’t think she quite realised that Kevin had become an assassin, but in her role she must have heard things and probably knew that the man killed in their house had been coming after her. Maybe something for another contest!


Things to Work On
I did wonder how Kevin rolled under the couch – for a man, wouldn’t the couch have to be a foot at least above the ground? I just couldn’t quite image how that worked.

I also wondered at the gangster having an expression of sick fear. This guy has gone rogue, and he is a gangster, is he really going to react in that manner? Or had he gone ‘rogue’ by turning his back on the gangster lifestyle?


Closing Comments
Despite not clearly seeing a sin in play, this was an interesting (and visual) tale of how one action can lead to another. It’s like a crack in a mirror that spider-webs out, with you just watching how it grows and being unable to stop it. Kevin was cracking from the get-go until he shattered. I don’t think he’ll be picking up the pieces anytime soon and that whole fear of everyone finding out about his debts and actions and everything else is about to come glaringly true.

Thank you once again for entering "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don’t hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
3
3
Review of Hot & Hollow  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hi LightinMind Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering, and apologies for the lateness! Please note, this is reviewed from when the contest had closed. It doesn’t take in account any edits you may have completed since.


Showing the Sin and Falling Victim to It
I must admit I spent a lot of this story just a little puzzled about it. Despite the logline, I started off thinking this story was about Lust, given playboy Jack. It was a story of two young men doing what young men do, though I was impressed that Jack ‘pushed’ Marcus toward the girl with the flashy legs. But still, Marcus and Callie sleeping together even though they’d only known each other a few hours, Lust was at the forefront of my head in terms of sins—for everyone involved.

And continuing onward… Marcus being blinded to anything Jack told him brings in a bit of pride, like he can’t stand being told that this girl he’s let take control doesn’t actually love him. But, honestly, who would want to accept that!

I didn’t quite get Jack’s comment about the arrogance/wounded dichotomy until a bit further in when he and Callie were screaming at each other about who was a whore. This is when Pride makes a sharp entrance. Callie may have been upset originally about the one-night-stand (though it almost sounds as if she was playing that game as much as the man was), all she wants now is to treat everyone as if they are just slaves to her. The exchange is pretty epic and reading it made me feel sorry for Marcus because Lust reared its head and took away his reasoning.

As with all good downfalls, the realisation that there is one (and that it could have been stopped) comes too late. Understandable, too, since no one likes the third-wheel being right so we must always deny that someone not involved has a much clearer view of matters!

Saying that Callie was only trying to find proof that she is enough felt like a cheap way for Marcus to absolve himself of his role in everything. He was blinded by lust; there’s not much evidence to the contrary (and he’s also thinking of another girl so soon after Callie walks out!) so while Callie had definitely fallen victim to pride (and maybe greed, going by the credit card use), Marcus was a victim too. Lust and pride are not a great combination. I think Callie probably isn’t going to work her way out of being a victim (maybe doesn’t even think she is one) but Marcus will get there – though, to be honest, I reckon he’ll suffer Sloth for a while as he rebuilds his confidence!

Really liked the whole ‘prison with too much lighting’ comment. Very visual, and... imaginably stifling.


Closing Comments
Although the tagline talks about Callie’s pride, it was hard to see that until half way through when Jack boldly called her out. Even after a couple of readings I still think Lust is the primary sin here (Callie suffers from it too, but not always in a sexual way). It’s always awkward when someone is so blinded they don’t see the truth, so when things finally come to light, it makes for gritty reading. Marcus stood up for himself well (though I bet he wished he did it long before that moment) and we can imagine the way ahead for him. It would be interesting to hear how he’s going, say, six months after this moment.


Thank you once again for entering "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
4
4
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)

Hi David C Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering, with apologies for the lateness!


Showing the Sin and Falling Victim to It
I think that award has gone to Noah’s head. He might not think he’s famous but he is notable and God forbid anything go out that is remotely attached to him that might be ‘unworthy’. Interestingly, the final paragraph of the first section shows a tiny bit of what one might consider the ‘right’ way to act – worrying that if he and his son did win, then the other parents would think the entire thing is unfair, him being an author and all. That is a valid thought and it’s the reason he gives Isaac. I wish he’d have stuck with that, rather than dwelled more on the fact that he clearly thinks his son wouldn’t write a good story and it would be just straight out galling to have his name anywhere near it. He could have thought the headline might say “PEN/Faulkner Recipient Shares Writing Skills with Heritage Elementary”.

Definitely dwelling in Pride (but he does have some right to be proud of his achievements, as all we writers do).

The signing of the new book, with all the people there to see him, hardens that feeling of Pride but it’s clear from the conversation with Andy’s dad that something is starting to crack. Unsurprising since the pride of being a father has been bashed by being put in second place (not that Noah hadn’t put it there himself when he declined Isaac’s request). I sort of felt that Andrew’s final words could be heard as ‘You’re a big author, but you can’t help your own kid?’

Fascinating that there’s the ‘wasn’t angry at the sight’ comment, regarding Andrew standing beside Isaac as he read his story. What right would Noah have to be angry, since the sole reason for Andrew being there was the decision he made himself. That’s definitely a good showing of Pride—you forget that you’re the reason, not someone else. Another good showing is the whole forgetting why he declined helping Isaac in the first place; it’s hard for someone so prideful to backtrack or to ‘remember’, but it was good that Noah could accept that he wasn’t important here in the gymnasium, that the spotlight wasn’t on him.

He was still proud at the end but it was of his son, rather than of himself and his writing, which made for a happier ending.


Closing Comments
The pitfalls of being a suddenly successful author, huh? It’s hard to stay humble, and winning a big award would make it harder. Noah learned his lesson though and he would definitely put his family before his identity as an author. Would be interesting to read a sequel from Isaac’s point of view, or at least hear his thoughts. We don’t know if he won the contest, but receiving a standing ovation’s a pretty big deal. Does he let it go to his head or is he still young enough to just be embarrassed and happy and nothing stronger takes hold?


Thank you once again for entering "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
5
5
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)

Hi Enthusiasm Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering, and apologies for the lateness!


Showing the Sin and Falling Victim to It
Ha, as a lover of classical art, I’m most affronted by the complete destruction of Apollo, more miffed that Alban destroyed it in the throws of an unwarranted tantrum—absolutely a man falling to his sin: Pride. He blames everyone else for shutting down his creativity even though he’s known as the best restorer and is sought after. (I mean, to repair something means he has to create something, so he’s shot himself in the foot with his own ideals.) It’s a pity that the thirty years applying his skill and knowledge has such a weak base that another sculptor with different techniques and styles can cause it all to fall.

Alban’s break comes before Elara shows up because he fails to even make a ‘lively’ sketch of the legs he needs to make for Apollo. I’ve seen many a statue of this god and all I could imagine here was a drawing of some skinny, hairy legs – so if that’s what Alban drew, I sympathise with him!! (And with Apollo *Smile* ) We never get an idea of what’s causing these cracks in him.

Although Pride is Alban’s sin, he does touch on Envy and Wrath too (I suspect they often hold hands with Pride!). It doesn’t seem like he and Elara ever actually meet each other, so Alban’s doing his sneering and freaking out and judging all in private. It must be hard to accept that someone can have so much fun doing something and make magic from it, when everything they’re doing is opposite to you. I reckon if he’s stuck with his ‘perfector’ role, he’d have been fine because he clearly had a division between that and ‘creator’. Maybe he should have imagined the cherry wood legs of the dancing satyr on Apollo, and then realised that what he did was as fine as what Elara did.

But just maybe, he realised that ‘perfector’ is ‘creator’ (I mean, it is, right?) and that knowledge he’d denied himself for so long was what cracked him all over. He didn’t have to take it out on Apollo though (and how did he explain it to the museum?).

The final sentence is an apt way to round out the story (and is very different from the earlier ‘hospital’), and it felt to me like Alban kind of just stood where he was until he died (marble dust is bad for you). As a reader, I would have liked to have seen more though – like maybe a few days later – to see whether Alban had fallen victim completely or if he could recover in some way.

It was very easy to ‘see’ Elara doing her sculpting. Hearing jazz would have driven me nuts but seeing a creative be creative is a joy to behold, and you painted that well and made it clear that Elara and Alban are seriously different kinds of artists.

a hospital for divine invalids – this is a really lovely description.


Closing Comments
This story was very visual so one could see Alban’s clinically tidy workshop as well as Elara chipping away at the cherry wood, singing and smiling as she did so. It was also rather easy to hear the destruction Alban wrought on Apollo, along with his own panting breaths and probably grinding teeth. He was a good example of how dangerous unyielding Pride can be as one of the deadly sins.


Thank you once again for entering "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
6
6
Review of Envy  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

Hi Sumojo Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering, and apologies for the lateness!


Showing the Sin and Falling Victim to It
Even though the title was Envy, I did feel that I had to hunt for that sin. It wasn’t until we started getting Patrick’s side of the story that we started to see the green-eyed monster, but even then we get mentions of resentment and jealousy—which are not Envy. But… it’s easy to believe Patrick would start getting these thoughts – he’s very, very sick; the doctor is very, very charming; the nurse is just glorious. Everything and everyone is so much better than him, and he is very much ‘woe is me’. Not the attitude of someone who could help themselves but expects others to do it.

I think it was clever how the doctor fell very early on in the story. While we got a glimpse of a darker side to him, there wasn’t enough there to make us feel completely ill at ease. And then we forgot about it when he was all charming and helpful to Patrick. With Patrick trying to be the ‘I hate the world and everything in it’ character, our attention was turned toward him and his tangles with sin. There’s stories around how heart-donated patients start feeling or acting like the donor. I really don’t see how they can, but it would be terrifically scary for friends and relatives of the donor. Sarah’s actions are understandable but I do wonder if she avoids Patrick because her ‘lover’ resides in him and that hurts or because she knew what the doctor did in his spare time and worries about Patrick continuing it.

We don’t get to find out. I think the word limit made you end the story a lot quicker than you’d planned because the ending is very sharp and swift and there isn’t a whole lot of build-up. We’re also left with Patrick seemingly having shaken off Envy; the sin he’s following now is probably Lust. One does not know. Either way, though, he’s not stopping himself and that turns the story in a very different direction.


Things to Work On
There are several punctuation issues which are a little niggling when the brain is expecting one sort of punctuation but getting another. For example, in the very first sentence really should have a full stop after ‘hand’ rather than a comma.

Am slightly concerned about the fact it seems like Dr Green’s heart was removed while he was in fact still alive. Is that truly the way? Maybe at least say he was brain dead so it doesn’t look like he was actually killed. (By the way, bit of a stroke of genius making him a donor when his nasty secret is rather the opposite!!)


Closing Comments
There’s two stories in this story – Jonathan’s dark side and Patrick’s dance with Envy (the reason for the story). I feel a bit like Jonathan took over (which would, for sure, make Patrick envious!), and that he is the main character (despite not truly physically existing through most of it), so it lowered the focus on the prompt . I did like the story, though, and I reckon it would be even better if you could lengthen it now – at least the closing scene because it would be good to know what that really is all about but also how Patrick is after it.


Thank you once again for entering "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
7
7
Review of A Billion to One  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)

Hi PureSciFiPlus Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Showing the Sin and Falling Victim to It
A good old murder mystery, of the scarier sort when you’re stuck on a spaceship with little way in and little way out!! However, for a good chunk of this story, it wasn’t easy to tell what the sin was (aside from murder, that is). There’s a mention (out of the blue, in all honesty) about a billion credits and it’s the first instance of feeling like Greed could be our sin. Havvon quickly says that the ship is only carrying about a million credits. That’s a huge difference, but I suspect that a million is still enough to make people sit up and take notice.

Wiggime, however, is the only one really looking for the credits but she’s doing it to unravel the deaths that keep happening rather than looking like she is overcome by greed herself. However, I don’t quite understand her saying It looks like you’re right about the billion credits being the reason for these deaths. She has seen a lot of credits but they’ve been in various containers and she knows there’s maybe a million of them anyway, and it doesn’t seem as if any of the containers have been tampered with (ie other people have been trying to break in). What makes her say it? What is there about the deaths that makes her sure they’re truly related to the credits?

The story has a good ending, finding the killer, but we’re still at a bit of a loss as to the sin of Greed. I think we needed to see it more – for starters, were the deceased actively looking for the billion credits? Was Havvon actively blocking them (they were found in various places)? Had he been after the credits all along? A billion credits is clearly a LOT but we might have felt the Greed more if we’d had some comparison. Like, could a billion credits buy us three spaceships? Knowing the value will allow us to really understand the Greed.


Things to Work On
As with other stories of yours that I’ve reviewed, I’ve the same comment to make about constant repetition of certain phrases. They start jarring the reader out of the flow and they’re wasting your precious word count. One way to pick up these repetitions is to read out loud; they really show up.

admittedly – am pretty sure you mean ‘immediately’ rather than ‘admittedly’ all three times you use it.

… containers mainly blocks. – I think you’re saying that the containers mainly block the view in both directions that Lahhana is looking but the wording is confusing. Could perhaps use something like … containers mainly block the exits.

Wiggime comes across Majjeva dead in the Cargo Bay, but shouldn’t it be Lahhana? And a bit later you have Addica returns to checking out Majjeva but I think this should be Wiggime checking the corpse because the speaker here is responding to Addica’s question in the previous paragraph.

Near the end you’ve got Havvon cutting her throat, when he’s been male prior and right at the end Wiggime turns male with he doesn’t school | he shoots…. Obviously, it doesn’t matter if the characters can change their sex but we’d normally see some earlier indication of it. So, if it’s not actually what’s happening, just be careful with proofing the pronouns.


Closing Comments
I think this story could benefit from a few thousand more words, fleshing it out with a clearer beginning (like did the ship already leave with the rumours of the billion credits? If the crew knew, then boy that would cause some ‘what if I find it???’ moments.) as well as more meat in the middle (if Wiggime is the only upstanding member of the crew, aside from the medic, then it would be good to see her emotions in play and how she tries to keep the crew from destroying themselves over a rumour), plus… what happens to Havvon later. Hopefully, his crazy killing days are over but what was his motive, did he have accomplices, what happens to him when they reach their destination….

If you ever do flesh it out, let me know as I’d like to read it (yes, I’m feeling greedy for it).


Thank you once again for entering "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
8
8
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi debmiller1 Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Showing the Sin and Falling Victim to It
A good show of someone planning for others to fall but falling oneself. Madison has a history of being vengeful (I’d say this stemmed from pride and envy, which morphed into wrath) and her plans are definitely the sort you’d think off—they’re not large, but together they could be catastrophic. Although you’ve focused on Wrath here, I feel like Envy and Pride cohabitate with it, and all three of them have deep hooks in Madison.

To boil long enough to act on it a year or more later means that Madison’s not going to accept anything other than a good old beat-down on Emily and Brad. It’s no surprise she has chosen the most public of settings and, certainly, upsetting a wedding is top-notching upsetting!!! If it works.

I think she forgot that old notion of love being the most powerful thing of all. So tightly wrapped in her desire to see Brad and Emily have a spectacular downfall, she doesn’t think anyone would or could dampen down or simply wash off her surprises. Doesn’t think anyone would call her out either, so her own downfall is as spectacular as she’d planned for the others. And because she didn’t expect it, she can’t react in any other way that shriek and run away. Wrath is not a friendly Deadly Sin!

I like how you ended the story with the bride and groom having a good day and the guests all contributing to creating lovely memories. Nevertheless, I’d like to have been a fly on the wall when Madison’s parents reached her!!


Closing Comments
This story is a prime example of ‘best laid plans going awry’ but also how dangerous it is letting yourself fall into a sin. In most cases, no matter what you do, you’re the victim rather than the person you’ve got in your sights!


Thank you once again for entering "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
9
9
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi John Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Showing the Sin and Falling Victim to It
A really in-your-face showing of the power of envy to destroy one’s life! Multiple lives, in fact, because there are several victims here. Phyllis is so deeply stuck that she cannot see anything other than needing the same possessions and status and accolades as others. So deep that she doesn’t realise she is creating a victim to herself—Tiffany (with a note here that all I can think of is Tiffany as a jewellery company. You might not have chosen the name for that reason, but it’s sadly apt.).

Phyllis has fallen victim to Envy as if it’s a life-giving drug, while Tiffany has fallen victim as if it’s a life-taking drug. Who’s to say which one falls the worst? You show both sides very well and I don’t think there could be any reader who hasn’t been touched by envy at some point. I also think Tiffany is a very good model for the ‘here’s why you shouldn’t let envy take control’.

Part of me did think Tiffany could have taken some control herself and spoken up – or, really, someone among her school friends or even teachers should have noted something.


Things to Work On
Just watch some of your formatting; you’ve got sentences broken by returns and with pieces on separate lines the reader’s flow is unsettled.

“figuring things out” – Tiffany knows what this means, but this particular set of words weren’t mentioned so I didn’t get where she’d gotten them from to know what they meant.


Closing Comments
A green and white case for the dangers of Envy and how blind it makes the person infected by it. Phyllis has an awful ‘awakening’ to the state she is in and the lives she has destroyed. But… I did find it interesting that the last paragraph, mentioning what Phyllis was left with, did not mention Erik. There was nothing to say he’d been uplifted by a child protection team so I almost felt that he was simply one of the “possessions” she had been left with. A dark ending to a dark story!


Thank you once again for entering "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
10
10
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

Hi LightinMind Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
Great opening line, and the rest of the paragraph clearly explains what we are seeing there. Fabulousness! And then we suddenly get the mention that Annie was way better, and that says a lot before we even get better introduced to her. I liked that, at the end of the two paragraphs describing her, we get she had learned…, telling us that this wasn’t just some magic of birth. There was work and lessons learned behind how she stood and acted now.

Next minute – what the heck, screaming? We were suddenly thrown into a ‘shit, what’s happening?’ mode, and I couldn’t read fast enough to try to find out. And yet, I also felt like Annie – rooted to the spot. I’ve often wondered how I’d been in such a situation and I still can’t figure it out. I hope I never have to! (TBH, we should have known something was coming with Platform 13!!

It is easy to imagine Annie being insulted by her father’s words about beauty fading. It’s such a classic thing, right, how everyone falls for beauty and then shuns that person or thing when it’s no longer beautiful. Of course, beauty is also in the eye of the beholder… but that gets pushed aside. It would certainly be true that a person who was defined by their beauty, and used it as a suit of armour, would suffer if that beauty was gone. For Annie, it’s two-fold—she has to live with the attack, the memories of the attack, and the actual wound. She’s gotten so used to her beauty, it’s hard to get past the scar. The ‘ugly’ that she sees plagues her mind and she is self-conscious and this ends up weakening her foundations, which leads to the second thing—growing failures at work. It doesn’t seem like anyone is actually bothered by the scar (mostly) but they are reacting her because she is failing herself. And, of course, the more she doubts whether anyone believed in her or if it was all just her beauty makes everything worse.

It’s a downward spiral, and heartbreaking because Annie can see it. She just doesn’t know how to sort it out, how to fight. I liked that she still has the sense to approach her father though, that she wanted to fight. That’s strong (and gives the reader hope that things will start being okay).

The conversation between father and daughter is great. He knows how to pull his punches but still get the truth across (a truth he tried to tell Annie a long time ago) – beauty is skin deep, strength is within. His analogy of the story is perfect, and it’s true. We write our own stories, we own them. We don’t need ghost writers or fanfic writers.

It’s nice to see their relationship strengthen (while getting a little bit of a view of what was probably a difficult divorce). I feel like her father has had to take a backseat for ages, hurting from the sidelines, but still backing her and ready to do it openly when she finally returned to him. I liked how they could be serious but also still joke about the scar. Pirate queen indeed!!

We leave Annie in a much better space, her most difficult journey coming to an end and hope a new (hard but exciting) one about to begin. The destination reached in terms of her relationship with her father is settling into comfort, and she has the whole horizon to head for now. I, for one, would love to see a sequel – honestly, I’d like to see her in a rival company to the one that ‘restructure’ her, kicking ass against her former boss and workmates!


Things to Work On
I did feel like the M-dash started to take centre stage where maybe a semi-colon could have worked better, but that’s just one reader’s opinion.

The only real thing that made me go ‘huh?’ was … tilted her chin just slightly—just enough.. I don’t think ‘just enough’ was needed at all, but it also didn’t quite make sense. Just enough for what?


Closing Comments
A tough physical and mental journey brought about by an out-of-the-blue event. It makes you think about living life to the full every day because you don’t know what tomorrow (or even the next hour) will be like. We ought to take stock of our lives and how we live them (work, play, love) and not take things for granted.

It was heartwarming to see Annie go from an ice queen to broken to getting stronger, (re)learning about herself along the way and accepting she is the writer of her own story. In a beautiful, hugging red sheath dress with her blonde hair back in a pony tail and her chin tilted slightly to show off (rather than hide) a scar over her cheek, I feel that Annie would be fierce!


Thank you once again for entering "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

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11
11
Review of The last walk  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

Hi Sumojo Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
Ah well, the opening paragraph told me all I needed to know when reading this story. I was going to cry. I did; I’m not good with animals in pain but I also have a soon-to-be-seventeen cat who I’ve had since she was three months old. She is well but obviously starting to have the ‘old’ issues. She may live til she’s twenty but I’ll be doing the hard yards dreading that time. It is the most difficult walk to path for a pet owner, so I feel you nailed the prompt rather well.

Obviously aside from my own emotional connection I thought you portrayed the hope and grief really well, with Dorothy being strong for her soon and trying to ensure he remembered the good times while still ensuring that they both knew Benjie was still alive. That may sound a bit odd but I think when the time is near, we can slip into a black-hole. Acknowledging that death is coming must be done but it’s as Dorothy says – make the most of the time you have before then. I’ve imagined Nerys passing (she had some big troubles last year) and it guts me every time, and it’s a hard cycle to break. So, I must remember to take Dorothy’s advice too (and maybe not be so crabby when she throws up grass on the carpet!!)

It was comforting to see that they had a decent couple of seasons still together and got out and did the things they could, and remembered good times. Good to have it shown that Benjie himself, while slowing down, was not giving up.

I liked the smattering of location descriptions. When I’ve travelled to Oz I’ve mostly been on the East side (my sister is in Melbourne) but I had an aunt and uncle who lived in Perth on the West and loved it. I can imagine how important rain is and I liked the idea of the bush breathing again with that life-giving water. It is a cycle of life that you’re writing here, in many forms. (I looked up the Donkey Orchid; that is too cute!!!)

They do say that animals will tell you when it’s their time, though some will just wander off and pass away on their own. I liked that Dorothy got the sense of Benjie’s time coming to a close and took the opportunity to make it a nice time for everyone. Even Benjie perked up in sections – renewing his acquaintance with the bush and showing his tendencies to find possums. Even though Sam’s only young, he is also attuned into what Benjie is about on this final walk – that final destination which obviously created a memory in the dog’s mind as well as the boy’s.

I liked how Dorothy immediately goes into soothing mode although it’s distressing that she has faced this before when her husband died. She originally feels for her son losing a dog and a friend he’s known his whole life but you can see how much she needed Benjie too. I think she would have sat there on the rock with Benjie had her son not spoken up, and it was comforting to see her give into her son’s wish to reach the den he’d made.

Overall, it was a really nice and peaceful ending and Benjie would know he was loved and surrounded with people he loved. It must have been hard for Dorothy and Sam to wait but also peaceful for them too – just being there, and being surrounded in beautiful bush. Just as your final sentence states. It was good conclusion to the story.


Things I Noticed
I really only found one thing that I thought needed something. A comma between ‘something’ and ‘old’ in the sentence “Smell something old boy?...

Nothing else stood out to disrupt my flow; just my tears.


Closing Comments
Obviously I found this story had great connection to the contest’s prompt but was also just fine in its own right. I feel there might have been personal experience in here and I know I read it with personal experience (past and future). It clearly showed the difficulty of losing a pet but also had physical difficult – Benjie’s own physical slowing down and Dorothy and Sam carrying him. Benjie sounds like a dog who’d weigh a good 20 kilos if not more; that’s a weight for a twelve-year-old kid, for sure. The ‘beautiful destinations’ show in the bush itself but also in the fact that Benjie’s passing was peaceful and he had his people with him.


Thank you once again for entering "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

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12
12
Review of Broken Melody  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)

Hi Fyntex Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
The opening paragraph of this short story made me think we were going to get a horror tale here, a thought that went slightly awry with the last word – *green*croon – since I wouldn’t normally link that with horror (like I do ‘screetch’). And I guess this is a sort of horror story, since it tells of a singer struggling to sing. Two kinds of horror story really – since the narrator and neighbours have to deal with the constant struggle too!

Since this is all about Clarion being unable to hit a certain pitch, I think it would have been good to know just what that pitch was. I’m presuming one that most of us can’t get to, but clarification would have been good. We know why she wants to get there – to join the international clique – but it would be good to know just how far off she was from that pitch (it would give strength to her struggles). It would give depth to the difficult road she is on.

The sudden activity in the house felt like a vigorous spring clean, throwing open the doors and windows, cleaning everything, bringing in fresh groceries; it was also a bit of a metaphor for Clarion’s ‘rebirth’ as the competent singer that she obviously is. (Though, I’d have been like the narrator in thinking there might be a new owner *Smile* )

I liked that we got a good outcome here – for Clarion, herself, and for everyone else’s ears, and the last lines are interesting as the narrator wonders just how it came about. Given the length of time, though, we can certainly say the struggle was real. (I would love to have seen the true ending of the story being Clarion getting into that clique she wanted.)


Things to Work On
No so much something to work on, but something to remember for your future stories and items—make use of the genres to sell your work (because items are searchable by these things). At the bottom of your item, when you’re saving (or editing) there’s a bunch of things you can do – one of which is to add in up to three genres. The first one you pick also shows up in the header beside the rating and item type. There’s many that you could have picked for this story (including, I believe, music) that can help ‘explain’ what the story is about. Another good one to use – for contest entries is…. Contest Entry. It may seem boring, but it helps explain to the reader why there might be certain limitations (such as word count).

… was rarely heard, it times it was… – is the first ‘it’ supposed to be ‘sometimes’?

… singer in our locality… – just need an ‘s’ on the end of ‘singer’ as this should be plural.

… without a whim… – ‘without’ here should really be ‘on’. Things are done ‘on a whim’. Though… you could also delete these three words because there is a reason she is changing her trainers and usually a ‘whim’ is something done without that much reason.

… hurling… – do you mean ‘hauling’ here? As in, the kitchen staff were bringing in groceries? Hurling, to me, sounds like they’re just tossing groceries into the kitchen.


Closing Comments
Perseverance is the theme to this story, showing that you can have a good outcome if you’re putting in the work to get there (though, as the logline also points out – you have to pay for those outcomes).


Thank you once again for entering "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

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13
13
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)

Hi WriterRick Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
A homecoming is always difficult. Throw in a broken promise, a balls-up in communication, and pride, and the stage is definitely set for something opposite to ‘fun in the park’!

I suspect that when Caleb sees that some things haven’t changed in this town and that other things have gotten worse, he doesn’t really regret his original decision to leave. He was following his dream, for sure, but he probably also wanted out of a town that he could not easily see a future in. Returning would have felt bitter sweet. I feel like he didn’t even return for his mother’s funeral—that alone would make other people thing about him negatively.

No wonder that curtains are twitching across the road; there would be only curiosity to see lights on in the abandoned house and one Caleb Danner sitting on the porch. He mentions the road back hadn’t been smooth but we don’t see this ‘road back’ at all. We only know he’s not famous and certainly hasn’t ‘made it’. To be honest, we don’t really know why he’s come back. He does not mention that he’s come back because he still loves Melody or because he needs to apologise or because he’s run out of money and the house his dad left him is all he has. The road ahead is certainly going to be difficult though.

Melody’s bitter and we can’t deny she has the right to feel that. In some readings, I thought her response was too prickly/sarcastic and in some I thought she had total right to be that way. Caleb needed to know that he’d stuffed up. But I like how we can see her softening. She still has feelings for this nitwit and the whole issue was that lack of communication and, on Caleb’s part, perhaps a lack of understanding of how strong Melody’s feelings were.

Near the end of their first conversation in some time, Caleb is finally honest. He doesn’t know what his future is but he’s going to do what he can. I like how he realises he not just going to waltz back into a relationship and “Coffee sometime?” is a good baby step. I like more how Melody sticks to her guns about making him work for it with her “Try again tomorrow.”. Steady but hopeful.

In the second half of the story we see Caleb doing his best work. He understands what he has to do to rebuild the bridge he broke and that it will take time. Show up consistently, do small things, talk without promising anything. He has to heal himself, the relationship, and Melody, and it must have been a relief to see her smiling like she used to. (You know, I do wonder what the rest of the townsfolk are like. I bet they’ve all been in to talk to Melody about him! I’d love to see this story written again from her POV.)

I liked that this story wasn’t about a ‘new’ destination but a return to a destination that he’d once turned his back on. Forging new paths is hard, reforging a broken path is probably harder. At least Caleb has realised this was what he wanted and knew that he had to put in the hard work to do so. Was nice to end with the fact that speaking Melody’s name is no longer a splinter.

Great descriptions abound – his love interest’s name sounding like a splinter, a flower pot spilling dirt like a broken hourglass (that is particularly visual).


Things I Noticed
There wasn’t much that interrupted my reading flow or upset me in terms of errors, but I do have a few comments.

… she’d stopped answering – answering what? In the paragraph there is no indication that Caleb’s actually kept in touch to enable her to answer anything. And she says later that he didn’t even call when her mom had died. I think make it clear that he stopped calling, writing, message Melody otherwise, to be honest, her prickly response to him when he shows up in her shop seems just a little too off.

Two hours later… – coming straight after the paragraph where Caleb turned away and walked I really thought this was the length of time it took him to walk to his parents’ old house! It wasn’t until the lights were flicking on in the house opposite that I realised he hadn’t just walked miles out of town… Obviously Caleb had just been walking aimlessly around until he finally made his way to the house. I think this might have led in slightly clearer with just ‘Later’ rather than the duration.


Closing Comments
This was heartwarming – understanding and accepting one’s faults as well as understanding how they affect others and working through everything to a decent outcome, a way to fix what was once broken. I think Caleb grew more in the months that he’d been home again than in all the years he was away, and I appreciate that Melody didn’t just fall in his arms upon seeing him but made sure she was a fully fledged person in the situation. They’re working toward a mutual give/take relationship and the future is bright.


Thank you once again for entering "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

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14
14
Review of Paradise Awaits?  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

Hi PureSciFiPlus Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
This story takes the prompt literally – a family taking a trip on an unfamiliar and physically difficult road to a destination. Having driven on gravel roads in ‘backcountry’ I can fully understand the bumps and twists and turns, the flinch when something rolls under or against the car. All the more nerve-wracking when you have a steep drop on one side and nagging kids in the backseat!

Vivian is on form – constantly nagging and repeating words, and I totally felt her embarrassment when her mother completely seriously contradicts Harold about being of age to have kids. I didn’t honestly get why she couldn’t have just agreed; there was no real reason to abruptly get all physiologically truthful. She ends the story by refuting the quote prompt – it may just be the comment of a thirteen-year-old girl but it does show that everyone sees things is a very different way!

I would like to have read more about the destination, rather that just getting that word every few sentences. What’s so wonderful about it? You know, Vivian is probably dead correct that the long way around would have had them reach the destination already! And I’m with her – it must be a paradise if the road’s anything to go by *Smile*

The banter is pretty funny between the kids and between them and their parents, and I’ve a feeling many a parent would be nodding along to Harold’s threat to drop Vivian out the door so she can walk home.

I’m not sure why I get that Tracy is complaining about the trip being one problem after another and then, almost in the same breath, saying they’ve been to six wonderful cities and that the kids have learned so much. The only problem seems to be they don’t have the rental car they thought they would and that Harold took a road he probably shouldn’t have.

On that same note, the worry about the gas is odd. They clearly state they have enough gas to the destination so it shouldn’t worry them so much. And if the city is as Harold says then I’d think it would have a plethora of gas stations so filling up shouldn’t be an issue either. It leads to talking about the city and whether it’s living in the past or the present, and what might constitute ‘paradise’ in terms of a city. I’m presuming Tracy thinks the past is as if they wouldn’t have gas stations???? That would seem just a little bit weird. I didn’t think this story was set in any land other than Earth and in the present. Though… at the end I get a little of what is meant – it’s like an ancient city (I imagine an old Roman town) surrounded by a more modern town. I think to forestall reader puzzlement, more descriptions of the destination could have been used earlier in the story.


Things to Work On
Watch how many times you repeat certain phrases. They can get annoying to the reader and they cost you valuable word count. Some of those that jarred here are: this road, this/their rental car, next destination, extra gas. Grab some different words or reword the sentence so that the repetitions aren’t needed at all.

I also feel like you name the characters too much. For example, Tracy looks back at Vivian and Gregory. Since we’ve just had the kids named in the previous paragraph, this one would have been cleaner as something like Tracy looks back at the kids. And Gregory could look at his sister as she’s putting the rope around herself.

A third of the story is about running out of gas, and I feel that it made you run out of word count. There is a lot that could be chopped out to give you more space to continue describing the difficult driving and then also the paradise that they look down upon near the end. And since Harold has already stated that there’s enough gas to make it to the city, no one needs to keep asking if they’ve got enough gas to make it to the city.

Looking angrily… – ‘angry’ is the word here because it describes Vivian rather than how she is looking about.

… just you,” says Vivian… – this is Harold speaking, not Vivian.


Closing Comments
A literal take on the prompt, brought to its knees by a teenager refuting that the destination is a paradise (that was a pretty cool ending). There are certainly big chunks that were repetitive and the structure was confusing in some places (ie where you’ve got a new paragraph even though the speaker is the same as the one before), but I thought it was a good nod to the prompt and the witty banter between the parents and the kids was entertaining.


Thank you once again for entering "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
15
15
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)

Hi Kaytings Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
When a story starts with opening lines that includes grief and death, you know you’re in for a difficult journey as a reader. And so we align ourselves with Chisomo who has had his world ripped away from him.

Instead of staying in the village he makes the decision to leave, to go to Ncheleni where, I think, he’s hoping a new world will open for him. And it will, if he makes it.

His journey to the school is nothing but heroic. I can imagine the battle he has with himself, when doubt found him, about returning to the home that’s no longer his but is known verses continuing on a very tough journey to something he might never find. It is no surprise that he dreamed of his mother; their relationship was obviously very, very strong. And Chisomo’s strong to keep to his plan of finding Ncheleni.

While his mother seems to have been telling him to stop in the first instance of his doubt, she, by way of that memory of pounding cassava, shores up his resolution to keep going after the second moment during the storm. Thunder cracked like ancestral fury is such a vivid description and with the earth shifting, it’s no wonder Chisomo had the stronger moment of feeling like stopping.

The story turns when he finally makes it to Ncheleni, and the relief that he felt must have been enormous. His welcome is open-armed and he’s drawn in immediately, no questions ever asked. I feel that the teachers and workers there already know their stories and know that it doesn’t do too much good to dwell on them. The children that come to Ncheleni come for the future, not for the past.

You must build the body before you rebuild the mind. – this is so telling. It’s obvious that the physical journey Chisomo has taken has wrought damage to his body but I suspect everyone at Ncheleni knows that it also hurt his mind. Building up strong ramparts and walls protects those things living behind them – organs, consciousness etc. Becoming strong physically would certainly help bolster your mind again.

Chisomo talks about these physical and mental difficulties when sitting with Tiyamike; he understands this kid doesn’t need ‘it’ll get better’ kinds of words; he explains how he got through that trek himself, how he could keep going. He’s totally right too – we often keep things because of their meaning and that meaning, those memories, keep us going. Sometimes it’s because of fear, sometimes it’s hope.

This story ends on a calm, solid note and we know that Chisomo is going to be okay as he tackles his new future.


Things to Work On
Nothing really, but there is a sentence that made me stop. In the third paragraph, you have men muttering He was a good boy. She raised him well.. The ‘was’ seems odd here, and makes it read like it’s Chisomo who has died. I think it might be better to us ‘is’.


Closing Comments
A good, strong story showing a good attachment to the prompt. Chisomo’s journey, while being hugely emotional and psychological, is also very physical. He has to leave his home and there’s nothing he can do but walk – and that’s physically difficult in such terrain with only himself for company. His mental journey is just as tough but he is able to acknowledge the cracks in himself and work to repair them (or forgive them) as he builds his new life. I’d like to think he’d end up actually working at Ncheleni; he seems the kind of young man who would be a great mentor for the new arrivals.


Thank you once again for entering "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


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16
16
Review of The Road to Ali  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Hi Kåre เลียม Enga Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
Once again, I am amazed at how evocative your writing is and how otherworldly. You easily paint a world that is so much more than just people living in spaces. We have humour and sadness and the very real sense that time is just a big wheel grinding its path and never ending.

I liked Ali being quite down to earth in everything she says whether she’s being light-hearted or serious, and I enjoyed the little jab at the narrator over their own past life. On that, though, the past life – it never went anywhere else. Yes, the narrator doesn’t remember but I’d like to have seen them questioning more about it or thinking more about things.

The ending was sweet, though a niggly part of me thought that was a heck of a lot of scribing onto concrete for a ‘just about dead’ person. Impressive! It would have been interesting to have this story told from Ali’s point of view; with her memories, she must carry a weight of those memories of others even if she isn’t seemingly affected herself. (I’ll look forward to reading that….. *Smile* )

True thing though – zucchinis will overrun the world if you don’t keep an eye on them!


Things to Work On
Nothing structural to worry about but as I was reading this for the contest, I did have some trouble recalling that you were writing to/inspired by a prompt. At the end, we do see the narrator with an illness but we never really got enough about the narrator to even know their age (I mean, was the withering just age?) and lifestyle. They had the usual knocks we clumsy humans have (I, too, have a scar through my brow (not a door, though)) but there’s nothing really about life being hard or difficult. There’s almost a thousand words you could have used to convey a little more connectiveness with the prompt.


Closing Comments
I have read many of your short stories over the years for various contests and they are all amazingly vivid and mind-blowing in making us remember the world and the universe are huge and old. We live a long time but even that’s just a tiny speck in the overarching scheme. Imagine being someone like Ali who has seen it and lived it and passed by it. To be able to walk lightly with that is an achievement!

I do feel this could be one of many shorts about Ali (I can imagine her sitting for the narrator back in Egypt, sighing gently at how her hair is depicted and how the narrator is fussing but just can’t get it right).


Thank you once again for entering "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
17
17
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)

Hi THANKFUL SONALI Party Hopping! Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
Parent/teacher meetings are always fraught, but I can imagine that student/teacher meetings to talk about what you want to be when you grow up can also be fraught. Certainly if you’d not really thought about it, certainly if what you’re interested in has scored badly on a test that purports to show you the way, and most certainly if what you’d like to do does not match what your parents would like you to do! I work at a university and I hear stories from my colleagues about students only taking this or that subject (Law mostly) because their parents want them to. Often they’re miserable and they get awful grades.

It’s all a lot harder when the parent is a teacher! This poor narrator, probably looking forward to some discussions only to have things turned on its head when her mother shows up and pretty much goes against every rule set down for the meetings. The secret cheering on for the counsellor was great but I note that the student did not contradict her mother at all. The simple line about 24 years makes it quite clear that this child was never able to stand up to her mother, before or after. (Though… we do have the whole ‘I’m going to wallow in my misery just to make you feel worse’ moment…. It could be said, then, a difficult path partially made by one’s self!!! I’m sure we’ve all done this too without realising that being a martyr only hurts ourselves.)

We totally don’t get any of the mother’s motivation for pushing her daughter into a commerce focus, or even into the copywriting role, so it would have been interesting to know about that. I mean, I guess most parents think commerce pays better than the arts.

The second half of the story shows how the difficulties from the first half are not always permanent. It’s interesting that the character feels that how they have been teaching as a librarian would have been different from how they might have taught had they started in literature in the first place. I don’t think that’s something that could be quantified because it’s a path that never happened, but it might just be true that becoming a librarian wouldn’t have happened. The outcome is that the narrator’s had a wonderfully fulfilling destination career, and I suspect it’s even sweeter because of the earlier difficulties.


Things That Caught Me Out
The opening sentence puzzled me. Each part of it is neat as a starter, but together they felt contradictory. It must’ve started verses I think the start was; ‘must’ verses ‘think’ just doesn’t gel. In my opinion, I’d begin this story with the latter. It gives us the narrator and her personal thoughts as well as a timeframe and it flows very nicely into the second sentence, which answers what is ‘starting’ – life, basically!


Closing Comments
I’d like to have seen the reasoning behind the mother being so pushy, and her response to her daughter taking on the librarian role. Even though the narrator took a long time to forgive her mother for forcing that path back then, I feel like she might have owed her some thanks for doing so. She got life experience and doors opened up at opportune times, and, as she says, she was able to go about the librarian role her own way. That way was made easier by those earlier difficult paths – older, wiser, stronger, more faith in herself etc etc *Smile*


Thank you once again for entering "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

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18
18
Review of Throwing Rocks  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi FaeThorned Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the March round of "Fox's Socks Newbie Short Story Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
Well, now, that’s a good opening sentence, and I liked how you followed it up with a quick run-down of the play – Little Johnny’s home alone because he has very down-to-earth parents! But also… he’s alone so we can sense some typical kid shenanigans likely to happen.

The second paragraph shows us that Little Johnny is well capable of making his own fun and is very used to playing around in the junk. I suspect he’s known in all his life and would be surprised to find a grass lawn. He knows how to handle the junk and is careful in what he does but, still… there’s a lot of suspense because we still don’t know what’s going on and at this stage we’ve rather forgotten the opening sentence.

(Adult horror: what the heck is he doing out there in bare feet?????)

Your descriptions are really great, allowing us to see as if we’re there – Little Johnny winding up his throw and then the surprise when the earth explodes. I reckon he thought for a moment that he’d caused it, but whatever caused the mess he’s a classic kid who has to go and look for himself (bearing in mind his mother’s warning about the sunset).

Since we know Little Johnny likes rocks, it’s really no surprise we’ve got a good description of the one he finds – and it reads as if he’s cataloguing it rather than the writer just describing it. The same for when he finds what’s making the sounds – we can see it through his eyes and feel empathy for it, a bit like he does.

Such a classic kid though—find something odd and take it home whether it’s a good idea or not. And, even more, so show it your toys. I liked that he’s just going with the flow here.

Although I liked the arrival home of the parents (loving but also basic), I didn’t quite feel like it was the ending the story needed in order to close it all up. It was good to get the interaction with one of the parents but it felt too quick and easy rather than complete. Something over breakfast the next day, perhaps, with Little Johnny, Marty and the adults, might have made it feel a little less rushed.

(Noting that I did appreciate Claudine’s Johnny sounded far away, like he was whining in another universe. *Smile* and …the Appalachia of crap his daddy had built… – a completely visual mountain!)


Things to Work On
Mostly just punctuation placement. I noted that you swapped from Little Johnny to Johnny sometimes, which initially was a bit of a jump, but it’s not something you need to worry about.

“…. peeeeew,” there it was again. – I think the comma should be a full stop and ‘there’ is capitalised, as it doesn’t work in place of ‘said’ here.

… overalls, “Afternoon…” – a full stop here instead of the comma.

“… drop by,” he chuckled. – going all-out pedantic here, but if you use ‘chuckled’ as a ‘said’ (and it works for me) then before this particular section of speech you need a full stop after “neighborly way” rather than the comma, otherwise it reads wrongly. If ‘he chuckled’ is supposed to be on its own and not attached to the speech…. Then you need the full stop/capital H here. (Also need a full stop before “I’m gonna take you back… in the next paragraph, plus there’s a couple more in the last few lines of the story with Claudine.)


Closing Comments
This is a well-told tale of a kid making his own fun (while sticking to his mother’s rules) and then, well, making more fun with something that could have been terrible. I do feel that the ending, even though I liked Claudine, was rushed. This contest allowed u to 2500 words so you certainly had space to add a little bit more too it so that it ended with Johnny and Marty rather than Johnny’s mother passing out.

Thank you once again for entering "Fox's Socks Newbie Short Story Contest" Open in new Window., and I look forward to seeing more of your stories in contests. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
19
19
Review of Green Dragon  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)

Hi Amethyst Snow Angel Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the March round of "Fox's Socks Newbie Short Story Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
Am in total agreement with Liz about noise starting so early on the weekend! At least wait until 09:00. But I also get her comments – when you’ve had a routine all your life, it’s very hard to get the brain to let it go – either in terms of timing or working.

I would like to know just how old Liz is. I’m thinking in her 60s which is still fairly young to be off to a retirement village – though there is less stress there, I guess, and we don’t know if she is carrying any ‘war wounds’ that might slow her down (aside from the lungs). She seems quite a cantankerous woman who, although she is at the village, isn’t really accepting of it. But that’s what drives her to look for her new challenge – and I loved that she was all gung-ho about it and challenging everyone who brought age into the equation!

The story read well (though I was confused initially about the music line being the phone ringing) and jumped through the scenes easily. It’s actually the kind of ‘opening’ story where you hope to get more adventures following. I would love to know how Liz pretends to be an ESOL teacher (but perhaps that’s in her PG education that is mentioned…..). Either way…. The adventures of a retirement-village ex-cop would be good reads.


Things to Work On
There’s only a few things that made me pause.

“Shoot, it’s the guy reading a book….” – is Liz saying this out loud? It looks like it because everything before/after is also in speech marks. If she’s thinking it, it would be better to put it in italics. Though… I would imagine her actually saying “Shoot” and then furiously thinking the rest of it.

“Well, uh…” the general shrugged… – ideally ‘the’ has a capital T.


Closing Comments
A good story with an opening that ‘hid’ the rest of the plot behind it, so that we had to keep reading to see where it was going. Strong, ambitious and no-nonsense character who I’d love to see more of (and actually see her interaction with others at the village – I kind of feel they might avoid her!), including even some of her background so we know how she ended up at The Villages.


Thank you once again for entering "Fox's Socks Newbie Short Story Contest" Open in new Window., and I look forward to seeing more of your stories in contests. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
20
20
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Scott Wilfred Hemsway Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the March round of "Fox's Socks Newbie Short Story Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
I am not sure how to explain what I thought about this story. I felt that it totally didn’t go anywhere and yet that it also did. I knew what was going on and I totally didn’t. Therein lies the point – it’s a dark mystery, there’s a widow with a secret, there’s hopelessness and abnormal growth, there’s people just living and doing…. stuff. It might be odd to say but, as a whole, I really liked it and I would love to read more.

Everything in the story provides good bones for fleshing out – like where these characters came from before they arrived on Euphrates Way. I especially want to know about the Hemsway’s brother. I mean, was he buried alive and escaped, or is he actually dead and escaped? Either way, that sentence is brilliant. It would be a magnificent opening sentence for a story!

I liked your wording choices and descriptions; they helped paint the scene for us though I must query – are the children hanging their legs from the tree or are they sitting up in the tree and hanging their legs down as they sit there? Because of the story to that point, I thought the former since it fitted with how macabre things were.

Margaret seems to be the ‘boss’ of the place and almost like a controller, with those dice in her hands, but she is clearly as cruel, deadly, bonkers as everyone else on the street. You really wonder what’s happened to people for no one to actually stop someone from being killed. And… what’s the fate of the boy after he’s been strangled? Ah no…. we got a whiff of that possible fate in the second paragraph. So, another question then, what do the kids get out of luring another one to the murder street? A leg to… hang?

The ending is as bizarre as the rest of the story and we’re left wondering if it was a boy or a chook who was hanged, or if someone mistook the boy for a chook, or Margeret just uses ‘chook’ as a code word. Either way, it’s a pretty chilling way to end a story – and my mind boggles about what the rest of her diary is like!


Things to Work On
There’s only a few things that made me pause.

placed neatly on his balding head washed down by a… – what was washed down by the wine? The priest is just cloaking himself but this kind of reads like he’s poured the wine on his head, really,

twelve-sided dice – because there are two of these in her hand it might be better to use the plural ‘die’ or say ‘two twelve-sided dice’ just for clarity’s sake.


Closing Comments
I really did like this but it is certainly confusing and didn’t feel like an actual story – start, middle, end – in the usual sense. It was like we just got dropped in the street to see the scene and then got yanked out again and we’re all puzzled about what we do or don’t know (or think we know).

f you ever build upon it, do let me know, because I reckon it would be a really good read.


Thank you once again for entering "Fox's Socks Newbie Short Story Contest" Open in new Window., and I look forward to seeing more of your stories in contests. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
21
21
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Kåre เลียม Enga Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
I liked how the prompt you were writing to stands in this story. Not only is it a winter scene, but we have the sparkling lights as actual living beings. Well, at least two of them were. All through, though, I could only see the narrator (and his partner) as a snowflake. I couldn’t quite make the step to another ‘being’.

A cryptid returns to the ‘scene of the crime’ so to speak or, as he says, to face my face, to free myself. This is understandable. The cryptid survived an ‘attack’ but the love of his live didn’t and he hadn’t tried to save her. He’d run. Human or not, guilt is present to everyone. However, we don’t see much of the ‘before’ to give us a clear idea of what went on prior to his return to the cabin. I would like to have known why the pair of them had decided to speak to the humans – especially if they hold such a poor opinion of them (though… maybe that came about ‘after’).

As with many of your stories, you express nature so lyrically and visually. distant cousins is amazing, and the descriptions of the feast and the fire really make one think about these things outside of what we know them as. For the cryptid, there’s a lot of death. For humans, it’d be wonderful celebration. And, yet, it seems to be that humans and the wood burning in the fire are actually on a par – celebrating their various existences.

The cryptid, however, really is just living a tragic story so I was glad to see that a bit of his love did remain. She may no longer have been sentient but he was able to ‘rescue’ her. I would like to have seen more of this ‘after’ written because, although I liked the ending, there could have been much more of it.


Things to Work On
The only thing I though might need a change—though it’s a personal opinion—was changing ‘does’ to ‘did’ in It seldom does. That’s because it felt a better match for ‘wouldn’t’ used two sentences earlier.


Closing Comments
A rather short story but with quite a unique take on the prompt and lovely visual description. A sad story but also one that might make humans think a little more outside the box.


Thank you once again for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
22
22
Review of Nightwatch  Open in new Window.
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Beholden Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
This was quite a different take on the prompt than was expected, but I liked it because of that, and because my education background is in Classical Studies. I’ve always liked warfare studies and the Teutoberg Forest massacre is a well known event. To use it in this story is, I think, quite an achievement. It makes for something unique.

Of course, we have a story to go with it – a platoon of soldiers out in the chilly winter near the end of World War II looking for a rumoured enemy. Typical that it’s “rumoured” and I can totally understand Jim’s feelings about it. Yet, he’s a soldier so he may grumble but he does his job. The same goes for his commanding officer and fellow soldiers.

I liked that the lights Jim sees remind him of fireflies at home – activating the prompt in two seasons. His thought that So small a slight could hardly be threatening could have become hellishly ironic. I thought, though, this moment also showed him to be a calm individual. He can sense things have changed but he’s not panicking or anything like that—yet, with the idea these things are eyes, Jim knows to alert his camp.

The lieutenant was a likable character: responsive, observant, willing to listen – all the things you want in such an officer. Of course, when he responds that there better be a good reason for is having to get out in the middle of the night, that’s understandable too. His conversation with Jim is great, a calm discussion and not looking down on his soldiers as they converse.

I had no idea where this story was going to go until the lieutenant faffed naming the forest – and then I knew what we were dealing with. And I was excited! I do love my Roman history. Totally apt though that the lieutenant thought it was far-fetched. Not only is it hard to think spirits are about but three legions????

You know, though, I thought Doc was rather optimistic in his logic. My brain first went ‘they here to warn you off!’, definitely not ‘they’re here to cheer you on!’ However, if he had thought of the two options, he was clever enough to go with the better one to tell his comrades. The lieutenant clearly understands his men – he’s going to go with the flow of thought but also remain on guard.

The ending felt a little flat, though, because it was so quick. Almost like an anti-climax even though it was a major event. Those 400 words you didn’t use of the word limit could have been used here – not so much to write the deaths for to have the platoon looking around and speculating, maybe finding a Roman sword or something.


Things to Work On
Didn’t have anything stop my reading flow *Smile*.


Closing Comments
Even without a personal interest in the topic, I’d have enjoyed this story. It was well written with decent characters (even if some of them didn’t have a name! I’m looking at you, Lieutenant!) Contest-wise, it was a great use of the prompt.


Thank you once again for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
23
23
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi LightinMind Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
A letter is always an interesting way to tell a story and I like how we start with James hating his parents but then describing them in pretty glowing terms! And going forward with the story, aside from being a guy with a high IQ and a disdain for everyone, he’s a mommy’s boy at heart.

Much of the story is complicated to the lay-person reader, but I liked that it seem that way also to James when he was a child. It was great how his mum was very hands-on with his learning and patient as well. You can certainly see why he missed her and remained devoted to her through his whole life.

The prompt was incorporated rather magically and mysteriously and it’s also the turning point, the reason for this letter being written now. The how and why and what of his parents’ disappearance, and also the appearance of a true teenager peeved at having to walk home in the snow because he couldn’t drive.

I liked how James wavered between deism and atheism and still didn’t really have it figured out at the end of the letter. A high IQ doesn’t mean you know or understand everything.

It’s also interesting that this letter was written nineteen years before James’ death when he was just 46. And that he died before the 50 years was up. I think I’d like to have seen a little more around that – ie James maybe writing the letter to posterity much closer to the date he was waiting for, because a heck of a lot of things can happen to a man in the space of almost two decades.


Things to Work On
Just a few things to think about.

She then said that the world that we will teach you about has no limits. – because this section is between James and his mother, I think part of this should be in speech marks as it sounds like she really is speaking here. If it truly is a remembered speech then the tense needs to be changed – something like said that the world they would teach me about had no limits.. This is likely considered nitpicking but it really stood out to me and broke me from my reading groove.

my parent’s research – put the apostrophe after the ‘s’ since parent is a singular now and you’re meaning both parents here rather than one of them.

Before me, I could see… – the campfire is burning to the left while ‘before me’ tends to be a straight ahead visual line, so I’d recommend removing ‘before me’.


Closing Comments
I would like to have seen a bit more of the prompt here especially since the lights were quite a unique take. And even if the portal only opened every 50 years, did his curiosity not get him back there day after day to check things out? Either way, James followed in his parents’ footsteps, carrying both a grudge (though lightly) and admiration and did everything they wanted him to do. Such a filial son *Smile*


Thank you once again for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
24
24
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi PureSciFi Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
The opening sentence is a darn good one but the paragraph goes on to feel quite cruel (which… is true, really, when you get to the end and find out what’s really going on). I also felt like a true third-wheel here – I’m watching Meavalians watching a DeathBringer burning – and, yet, that also plays into the storyline since this particular opening event is five years in the past and the Meavalians have just been watching a presentation on it. So – perhaps I’m a fourth-wheel watcher.

It’s a very interesting take on the image prompt. Well done for actually including it as part of the story though I’d recommend that Divonna point out a few things so it’s clear that this is the image that they’re looking at on the big screen. I’d also love an explanation of what the Extreme Hot and the Frozen White Water are (and how they come about).

The plot revolves around this burning DeathBringer who didn’t die when he was supposed to. He’s now back, randomly killing people, and yet focusing on the group that dealt him the Extreme Hot, and those people are trying to figure out how to keep themselves from becoming victims. There’s some very random conjecture about safety techniques, for sure, being alone, not being in the trees, being surrounded by Young Ones. There never seems to be true scientific thought behind these reasons, rather just based on a brief observation. It’s fascinating that the DeathBringers seem to be a constant in the Maevalian world and yet very little is known about them.

I’d like to have known just why Divonna thinks the Frozen White Water can kill the DeathBringer – and why no one has wondered about in the five years since they burned him with the Extreme Hot. I’d also like to know why the Maevalians and the DeathBringer hadn’t actually spoken to each other before now, since the ending shows that it’s clear they can. The end, by the way, is very sad and it takes me back to my comment up the top – about this being a cruel story. Much of the DeathBringer’s reason in killing these people was so they’d hurry up and find a way to kill him properly, to end the pain he was in. And, yet, no one is bothered about that; they’re only going ‘woohoo, we can now kill all the rest too’. (Of course, this is understandable given they’ve been killed on and off themselves).

This story isn’t set in a winter setting, so it was good to see an aspect of the prompt make a return at the end and be an integral part in ending everyone’s grief and fear.


Things to Work On
I have mentioned this in several reviews, but in this story you also do some needless repeating of things. Your stories are amazing but you waste word count this way and run the risk of confusing readers or making them skip sections. The section where Divonna and a male are talking about whether or not the DeathBringer kills individually or not is one of these sections that could do with a bit of a cut-down.

There are also several moments where you’ve got two sentences that should actually be one. On their own, the second one often doesn’t quite make grammatical sense. Two examples below:

Second paragraph: … sparking out of his body. Catching whatever it hit... – the first sentence is just fine but the second can’t stand on its own as something that makes sense. The full stop here should be a comma.

Third paragraph: … experiencing the Extreme Hot too. Causing the watching Meavalians… – again, use a comma not a full stop.

I think I’ve questioned this in past stories – the use of ‘residence’. You never describe what these actually look like and the word starts sounding odd when you read it several times in quick succession. Are these houses, buildings, halls…? Try to use different words that can help describe them better for the reader’s ‘eye’.

… that ran down the middle of it – for clarity’s sake, I think ‘it’ would be better off as ‘room’ or ‘hall’

That caused the victim to start screaming. – this is redundant as the victim had already started screaming in the paragraph before this one.


Closing Comments
This story has merit but it’s very clunky. I think if you looked carefully at the construction you’d be able to cut a good 500 words out and replace them with more explanation of things like the Extreme Hot, the Frozen White Water, and even where DeathBringers have come from to make a more rounded story.


Thank you once again for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
25
25
Review by Osirantinous Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Happy to write Author Icon

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
I liked this story and how you brought in the sparkling lights of the prompt, turning them into fairies. You can imagine the narrator wondering if they’re asleep or had somehow snuck alcohol into their cocoa when they see the fairies, and the ‘floored’ reaction is perfect!

The fairies were a bit humorous, treating the narrator’s shock as being slow – as if they’re the superior race – so I liked that the narrator had a come-back to that!

I think the fairies are right in that we celebrate all over the place and not even at the ‘right’ timing. It was interesting to see their take on Christmas and the Holidays, and how kind they were to invite the narrator along to experience it all. The moral of the story is easily seen – be as inclusive as you can.

It was pretty understandable how the narrator was overwhelmed at the sights and sounds she was experiencing, but I’m glad she did go to experience them, rather than stay on her porch on her own. People can be as inclusive as they like but they can’t force people to join them, and there must be courage on the invitee’s part too. This is certainly a tale of getting out of your comfort zone and opening your eyes to new experiences.


Things to Work On
To help the reader, don’t forget to put a space after a full-stop or a comma. When these don’t appear, it can make things difficult to read and understand.

Below are a few other things that pulled me out of the reader flow:

In the first paragraph… … twinkling stars out that tonight – either remove ‘that’ so that it reads ‘out tonight’ or change it to ‘there’ so that it reads ‘out there tonight’. Either of these will put the sentence right. (I would also suggest the sentence right after this one starts a new paragraph so that your lovely description of the night, stars and snow stands alone and then we get into the story of the character relaxing and suddenly hearing something strange.

… floored me if I was sitting already. – I think ‘was’ should be ‘wasn’t’ here since she is in fact already sitting. I really like ‘floored’ – it’s just a good descriptive word.

“Hello it say and yeah you… – I think this should be “Hello,” it says, “and yeah you…, right? (I love the ‘blah, blah’ bit at the end. I can imagine the fairy waving its hands around and pulling a face as it speaks.)

"… to each it on kinda thing.” – ‘it on’ looks like it should be ‘its own’ – totally a true statement though; everyone is so different in how we celebrate!

…all their Holidays on my accord… – is this supposed to say ‘my accord’, as in the fairies are celebrating on the narrator’s accord? This bit puzzled me a little.

…and loud but quite all at the same time… – ‘quiet’ not ‘quite’ – and I get what you’re saying here; it really is weird how music can be loud but also quiet – it’s a good description.

Merry Christ to all… – should this be ‘Christmas’?


Closing Comments
This is a lovely little story with a good reminder that we are all different but that we can all still celebrate together even so. Though we might not believe in fairies, we’re still not alone. Tidying up the grammar will help the reader but they should already understand that this is a story of light and hope.


Thank you once again for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" Open in new Window.. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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