Pico ヨハネス's (picodoll) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

601 Public Reviews Given

603 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I am a published author. That doesn't make me an expert reviewer but it does means I've learned a few things about good writing. You can expect me to critique storytelling, character development, plot, transitions and other building blocks of writing. I will point out grammar and punctuation issues when I notice them but if you are looking for someone to give that kind review, there are others who will do far better than I. I try to be honest and encouraging but if you're requesting a review, I'm sure you expect it to be thorough. Good reviews sometimes hurt. I can't spare you that and give you an honest review.

I'm good at...

Critiquing your storytelling skills, especially first chapter reviews. I'm also good at building believable characters and recognizing good dialogue. I can review whole novels but my time is limited and it has to be worth my while.

Favorite Genres

Action adventure, comedy, historical, sci-fi and well-conceived fantasy.

Least Favorite Genres

Horror, Erotica, LGBTQ, Poetry. Some of this I don't like at all while the rest I am wholly inadequate to give a review on.

Favorite Item Types

Short stories, first chapters, and complete novels if they are not astronomically long.

Least Favorite Item Types

Extremely long novels, poetry, random chapters from the middle of a longer story.

I will not review...

Horror or Erotica. I will also not give reviews on random middle chapters. I don't believe they can be adequately reviewed out of context. Please don't ask me to review Vampire or Zombie stories. The sub-genre has been beaten to death and I don't want to read another one.

1

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14 days may be credited.

#4357950

Review of Ghost Tales: Salem Times

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

Not really my genre but the writing, character development, and story telling are superior. You hook the reader right at the beginning. I'm not left with much to critique.

My Favorite Elements:

The story is really well told.

Suggestions:

On my initial reading, I honestly didn't notice anything and was considering giving you one of my rare 5-star ratings and gifting you back the gps offered. I did run some search scans and found a couple of nitpicks though.

There is a school of thought when it comes to writing that requires the word 'was' to be eliminated. You have a lot of them, especially in one particular paragraph. If I were you I would try to write them out as much as possible.

Same thing goes for adverbs. You don't have as many of those but most of them can be gotten rid of without hurting the story or the mood. I have no objection to keeping the ones that occur within dialogue. Real people use adverbs when they speak.

Overall:

This is really well written. The storytelling is so good that it almost masks the minor issues that I pointed out. Excellent work though. I've read published work that wasn't this good.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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2

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#4340119

Review of The Plan! (Full Short Story)

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

There is a lot to like in this short story. My review, however, will be focusing on this being part of a novel. The quality of the writing is technically excellent. I would weed out a few adverbs but would otherwise leave that aspect alone. You start off with a good hook and work through the story from there. While this is science fiction genre wise, it does stick to the plausible and possible.

My Favorite Elements:

The idea of colonizing other planets in our solar system fascinates me and probably a lot of other readers.

You give us what we need as readers as far as building this future world without overdoing the description. In this regard, you've laid an important cornerstone for a possible novel. I think this is where most of your fans see the potential for turning this into a novel.

Suggestions:

Your protagonist is Nathan Marcus. He is the only character in your short story that is fully fleshed out. As he is portrayed he is good enough to carry five chapter but not a novel length story. Good protagonists spend at least some time in hell. It's rare to find a good novel lead that hasn't got some painful backstory. We usually give them more pain as the story progresses. Nathan is almost there but we need that little bit more to go for a longer ride with him.

In real life, the guy who does the planning isn't usually the one who implements this kind of plan but this is a book and he can and you'll get away with it.

From there you need a larger more developed cast. One guy is not likely to cut it especially with a story premise this big.

There is no real conflict in this story as it is written. This is a minor problem in five chapters. It will loom huge in a novel. I'm not saying you have to create an uber evil villain. Colonizing Mars would be an epic struggle with nature the way it is. If you are going to turn this into a book though you have to be aware of the conflict and use it to keep you readers with you. You will at the very minimum need to inject some of it into what you've already written with well-placed foreshadowing.

Overall:

I think the potential for a novel is here but it isn't as simple as just writing more. Hope this has been helpful.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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3

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14 days may be credited.

#4337079

Review of Mushrooms to AI

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

"Informal musings" and you end up with what amounts to a short informal article. As far as that goes, I thought it was a little odd but on the other hand good enough.

My Favorite Elements:

The thread of logic running from beginning to end. I didn't have any difficulty following your train of thought.

Suggestions:

Your title doesn't do anything for me or anyone else I foisted it on. I think you need something that might lead people to read it. I think a "why" or a "how" title might fit that. A good title needs to draw people in while the article itself delivers the goods.

For polishing, you might do a little adverb weeding too. Adverbs are words ending in "ly" and can usually just be deleted without changing the meaning. A lot of writers and editors will encourage their almost total elimination.

Overall:

I thought this wasn't a bad rough draft for an article. For your rating, I only docked you for the title and the nitpicks. Hope this is helpful.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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4

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#4288677

Review of Gurlock Study Mishaps-C and B series #4

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

I read the first paragraph and asked myself if I wanted to keep reading. I decided to go ahead and enjoyed your work. I like well written fantasy but I'm not a big fan of the genre. Maybe because I've read a lot of badly written fantasy. This was well done.

My Favorite Elements:

The bit of humour this was written with. The story line flowed logically. There was conflict and drama.

Suggestions:

Where I struggled a bit was at the beginning. Fantasy invariably throws up a lot of questions, especially in a short piece, or it spends way too much time explaining things. Some of the questions my mind was asking at the beginning, I wasn't sure I wanted to have answered. Gurlocks sounds "Ewww!" and I wasn't sure I wanted to know more about them. Not quite sure how to fix that or even if it needs to be.

Overall:

Great work. I enjoyed reading it.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

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5

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14 days may be credited.

#4286162

Review of Attacked at the Campfire

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

This was a delightful short piece of writing. Brilliantly executed. I thoroughly enjoyed it from beginning to end.

My Favorite Elements:

I like the way the story progressed right down to the final sentence.

Suggestions:

I'm sure if I tried real hard I might find something to nitpick. I don't see any point in doing so.

Overall:

Great job. Look forward to seeing more of your work in the future.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

6

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#4285487

Review of Think of Home

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

Overall I think this is very readable and well written. A couple question marks do pop up along the way. The action sequence and the confusion is well portrayed. The dialogue is mostly believable.

My Favorite Elements:

The action sequence at the beginning and then the progression of the story. A lot of writers struggle to get anywhere near the level this is at.

Suggestions:

First sentence his gun slips from his hands and there is no further mention of this event. In the middle of battle this is a big deal. No mention is made of him picking it back up so I suspect that he didn't actually drop it although that is what the wording implies. Hope he didn't get any dirt in the barrel. That really is a big deal and you should fix it. It doesn't make sense to me that a trained soldier could drop his weapon accidentally in this fashion.

Second issue for me is when you listed his injuries. How did he lose a lot of blood? The injuries are serious and painful but none of the ones you listed usually involve a great deal of blood loss. I think you have to get a severe laceration in there somewhere.

Overall:

I think this is excellent and only needs a bit of work to be spot on.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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7

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#4285131

Review of Daily Flash Fiction Challenge

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

This brings to mind a lot of not so warm memories. Been through a number of severe blizzards in my time. If it's that cold that a man with gloves has ten or fifteen minutes of time before frostbite sets in, the snow is just blowing around. I'm actually writing this review while taking a break from cutting, hauling and chopping firewood out in the snow. It's cold but actually a very nice day. I liked this because I could easily identify with it.

My Favorite Elements:

The description. I think it is very well done.

Suggestions:

North of Fargo. I understand the technique being used and it was effective but by time I'd gotten into this piece I'd read it three times. I would delete the subheading at the beginning.

Overall:

Excellent work. Hope you do well in the contest.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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8

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#4285074

Review of Queen of Hearts

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

This was a very well written crime story. It has all the elements a story like this should have. Excellent dialogue and description throughout. You appealed to most of the senses. A reference to smell could have been effective but won't fault you for that. I liked the story and the telling.

My Favorite Elements:

I liked the plot.

Suggestions:

I'm kind of blah on the name of your protagonist and I'm not sure why. Didn't mark you down for that. Might be just my own personal thing.

I normally don't notice things like this but you did it in your first sentence. Passed should read past. Also just lose the adverb (purposefully). It adds nothing. You'll get away with stuff like that in the middle of the narrative but not in your opening.

I didn't notice anything else.

Overall:

Excellent work. Loved it. Definitely deserving of any praise you've been given.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

9

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#4284629

Review of Where Faith and Love Meet Together

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

I thoroughly enjoyed this from start to finish. I did read in your bio about your love for Pittsburgh. It shines through in this story.

My Favorite Elements:

I find a lot of writers overdo description or do it badly. You added a lot of it but it is the part of the writing that I like the best. You painted pictures I could see in my minds eye. Bravo!

Suggestions:

Many people frown on the use of adverbs. I noticed them but thought they worked.

Your father asks Sal if he sees that girl after his friend has already acknowledged her. Seems illogical but I can see a love struck man saying exactly that in this situation.

I honestly don't see anything wrong with this piece.

Overall:

Great job! May visit your port again when I have more time.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

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10

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#4284058

Review of Edible Fungi

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

I am not a poet and have only rudimentary knowledge on the subject. I do think that poetry should have a general appeal that goes beyond lovers of poetry. For that reason I'm giving my opinion. It is just an opinion but I hope you find it helpful.

Overall Impression:

As a youth I enthusiastically studied mycology for some reason or other. Just found it very interesting. Your opening line is a common myth. The majority of fungi in the wild are inedible that doesn`t mean they are poisonous. It`s been a long time but I seem to recall the percentage of poisonous species at something like ten to fifteen percent. Edible species were a slightly higher percentage. The rest were simply unpalatable but not poisonous. The danger is that some of the poisonous ones are extremely deadly and similar in appearance to the untrained eye as some of the more delicious species. A mistake is a horrible way to die as well. I`ve read the progression of symptoms. Personally I`ve collected and eaten a number of species and know them very well. They included Fairy Ring Mushrooms, Meadow Mushrooms, two species of ink cap, Oyster Mushrooms and Giant Puffballs.

Rant aside I enjoyed your poem.

Structure:

Consistent rhyme scheme throughout although the rhythm didn`t really seem to be.

Imagery:

Not really applicable in this case. This was more an education type poem. So I don`t see any fault here.

Suggestions:

I know it`s less dramatic but I`d fix the first line and possibly tinker with the rhythm some. The title was kind of bland but it did catch my eye.

Final Words:

A nice little poem on the subject. I enjoyed reading.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

11

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#4283308

Review of The Marsh (Haiku)

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

I am not a poet and have only rudimentary knowledge on the subject. I do think that poetry should have a general appeal that goes beyond lovers of poetry. For that reason I'm giving my opinion. It is just an opinion but I hope you find it helpful.

Overall Impression:

I looked at several of your poems before deciding to go ahead and write a review of this one. I like the simplicity of it.

Structure:

I'm not much of a poet and I am glad you included in the title the fact that this is a Haiku. This Japanese form has gained a great deal of popularity and you followed it flawlessly. Personally I would find it very difficult.

Imagery:

Excellent.

Suggestions:

Here's a nitpick. Splender should be spelled splendor.

Final Words:

As a poet you are quite skilled at least from my perspective. Keep up the good work.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

12

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#4282983

Review of The Right Path

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

On first reading I found the story good, but to me it didn't flow. Think I've figured it out.

My Favorite Elements:

Your mother's helpfulness. My mom would've done that and so would my wife.

Suggestions:

Here's the fun part for me. First paragraph, I would change the first two sentences slightly to, I was making the bed. It was my habit.

After that you have a verb agreement problem. I would change everything to past tense. I'm surprised it bothered me as much as it did while I was reading it. Example: Immediately pulled the blanket right off. Giddy with power, I grabbed the pillow and flung it in the air. The are more so you'll have to look for them. Might have to make some adjustments after that to stay within the word count.

Overall:

This is a great little story and I honestly thought to only dock you half a point. Hope your entry does well in the contest.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

13

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#4282709

Review of Nothing To Be Afraid Of

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

Flash fiction entry so you're writing in a hurry. You fulfilled the prompt. Just a note. The people who run this contest really like it if you include a word count. I liked what you came up with. It is a complete story which is important some of the entries are not.

My Favorite Elements:

Awesome ending. The global warming line is genius.

Suggestions:

There is quite a bit of passive writing and it would more effective to fix that. For example: "A carrot would make a good nose." I would change would make to made. Last two sentences also used the word really twice.

Overall:

Great job. I really liked it. Good luck in the contest.

Keep on writing!

Pico

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

14

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#4282436

Review of We Haul, U-Haul--Don't Fall!

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

Haha! Loved it. Reminded me of a number of situation/stories I've been through. You can obviously hold a lot more vodka than the little lady I was with. Six foot five trying to help four foot nine walk does not geometrically work. Hope you weren't stuck out in the cold too long.

My Favorite Elements:

The humour. You're a great storyteller. It's a talent. Your timing is flawless.

Suggestions:

I'm sure if I strained I could find something to nitpick but why bother. I was thoroughly entertained.

Overall:

I'm just guessing but I've probably read and maybe even reveiwed something you wrote in the past. The writing style did seem familiar. At any rate I enjoyed it.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

15

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#4281794

Review of Captain Jack and the Aqua Planet

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (3.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

Stumbled upon this while clicking for random reviews. There is a lot to like here but there is at least one serious storytelling flaw. The story for the most part is told logically and it flows. Overall I liked it.

My Favorite Elements:

I love little elements of humour that pop in all over the place.

Suggestions:

In any story as the author your goal is to capture and hold your reader from the first couple sentences. Most readers will respond to action, conflict, drama and intrigue. You spent the entire first paragraph setting the stage with maybe a hint of intrigue. That isn't good enough. This story lends itself to action and I would have started the action right there. The description is important but should come later, when your reader is already hooked.

I could offer a few nitpicks but I won't because addressing this one point would make a huge difference in the quality of your work.

Overall:

Your writing is good and I hope I'm not saying anything to discourage you. I found the writing fresh and authentic. You have a good writing voice. Keep up the good work.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

16

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#4281786

Review of My best season

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

I am not a poet and have only rudimentary knowledge on the subject. I do think that poetry should have a general appeal that goes beyond lovers of poetry. For that reason I'm giving my opinion. It is just an opinion but I hope you find it helpful.

Overall Impression:

Found this clicking on random reviews and liked it. Very appropos for this morning considering we had the coldest night of the winter so far. Just thinking of spring brings a smile to my face. The whole poem is simple and straightforward.

Structure:

The rhyme scheme and rhythm were evident and easy to identify. It rolls off the tongue well when read outloud.

Imagery:

Uncomplicated easy to relate to.

Suggestions:

I think some of the imagery could have been tweaked a little. Nothing specific just a feeling while I read it.

Final Words:

Nice poem about spring. I thought it was well done. Keep up the great work.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

17

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#4281222

Review of Of Cities and Wild Flowers

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

I am not a poet and have only rudimentary knowledge on the subject. I do think that poetry should have a general appeal that goes beyond lovers of poetry. For that reason I'm giving my opinion. It is just an opinion but I hope you find it helpful.

Overall Impression:

Probably not the first Oddquain I've read but definitely the first I've reviewed. I'm quite impressed with it and feel that I've learned a little something about poetry that I wasn't aware of before.

Structure:

I like that you identified the structure along with your poem. It makes it a lot easier for someone like myself to understand, appreciate and review. Easily the part of this that I like the most.

Imagery:

You created excellent images within the syllable count for each line. Not an easy task. I am impressed.

Suggestions:

None I think this is a gem.

Final Words:

I enjoyed reading and reviewing this piece of work. Keep up the great work.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

18

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#4280972

Review of Here Lies Santa Clause

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

I am not a poet and have only rudimentary knowledge on the subject. I do think that poetry should have a general appeal that goes beyond lovers of poetry. For that reason I'm giving my opinion. It is just an opinion but I hope you find it helpful.

Overall Impression:

Haha! Nothing like a little tongue in cheek mutilation of a popular song. My evil sense of humour can't help but appreciate you effort.

Structure:

Following the pattern of a popular Christmas song. The rhythm seemed to deviate a little from the original otherwise it follows along perfectly.

Imagery:

Clear and funny at least for me.

Suggestions:

I'm docking you for the rhythm thing because I can but I honestly would keep it just the way it is.

Final Words:

Brought a smile to my face. Enjoy the holiday season. As always -

Keep on writing!

Pico

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Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

19

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#4280851

Review of A Slippery Wet Disaster

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (3.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

I am not a poet and have only rudimentary knowledge on the subject. I do think that poetry should have a general appeal that goes beyond lovers of poetry. For that reason I'm giving my opinion. It is just an opinion but I hope you find it helpful.

Overall Impression:

Very appropriate topic this time year. I had no difficulty identifying with the images. I hate battling the roads in this weather and look forward to warmer days.

Structure:

The basic line structure of this piece is clear enough. I do have trouble finding any kind of rhythm or rhyme scheme. Even reading aloud I couldn't make it sound poetic. I think this is the area where the greatest improvements could be made.

Imagery:

I don't think the imagery was impressively evocative but with this subject I don't think it needed to be either. It's pretty straight forward. I can't fault you for that in fact I kind of like it that way.

Suggestions:

Nothing that I haven't already mentioned.

Final Words:

I'm a novice when it comes to reviewing poetry. I this was okay but I didn't love it. Don't be afraid to take my words with a grain of salt. Good work.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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#4220714

Review of Hare Trigger

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

I liked this a lot. I thought the comedy was handled deftly and the writing was good throughout. There was enough curiosity in the first sentence to keep me reading. From there you went right into the action. I think that was a good thing. I don't think the story was rushed or abrupt at all. Maybe the word count forced you to tighten the writing. I didn't notice. Granted I've not read your other writing... yet.

My Favorite Elements:

The humour. This type of comedy can get dragged out and wear thin. It can also be too over the top. You avoided both issue. I thought you had it just about perfect.

Suggestions:

If there were grammar issues, it was outside my realm of minimal expertise. Well done. I don't think you need to fix anything.

Overall:

Great job. I enjoyed the story and when I have time I may peruse a few more that you've written. Keep it up.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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#4216833

Review of Untitled 4

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

Gerta has some options here. I think she should hire a chef to help her poison the king or she should skip town or do both. I enjoyed the story. It was listed as horror but it didn't scare me at all. Chef loses his head over a trifle. That's pretty horrible. The ridiculousness of it is kind of funny, so I think I get it. I'm not sure that's what the "Screams" contest is looking for but I still liked it.

My Favorite Elements:

I'm quite hungry right now so the food description at the beginning really got my attention. I also liked the premise of the story.

Suggestions:

Untitled 4? You need a real title.

Acid test for every piece of fiction. Read the first sentence and ask yourself if you really want to read the second sentence. There is a limited opportunity to grab your reader. Straight description through the first two paragraphs usually won't cut it. I look for conflict and action or some hint thereof. I'm looking for something that makes me want to read on.

Horror usually features a story that get progressively more horrific. I'm not sure if that really applies here though because this is also focused on humour.

Overall:

I think you were having some fun with this and I don't want to take that away from you. Keep writing and having fun. Your writing is good. I had no problem following the story or understand what is going on. I found it entertaining and in a lot of ways that's what really counts. Especially with a piece like this one.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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#4215697

Review of Autism Misunderstood

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (5.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

Personally I liked this from beginning to end. I have a sun who suffers from schizophrenia. He is highly intelligent. I'm glad we are becoming more aware of how to work with people who are different. I'm also glad your son has found his place in spite of the rest of us.

My Favorite Elements:

I like the way you handled the subject matter.

Suggestions:

I'm no authority on poetry. With my limited knowledge, I don't see anything that you need to fix.

Overall:

Great job. I wish you well in the contest. Win or lose this is a very good entry.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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#4172105

Review of A Twist in Time--Chapter 1

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)

Title: A Twist in Time

Chapter Reviewed: Chapter 1

User Name: nathanh

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

Plot:

Just to preface my comments, the last time travel story I read was really really bad. Just the fact that I agreed to review this one after reading the first four chapters means you are doing a lot of things right. In general I find these stories rife with plot holes and bewildering scene changes. It takes a lot of skill to make a time travel story work. I do see the potential.

You establish your protagonist, set up your opening scene in the Hotel well and then zip off to the first stop of the journey. I think the basic plot here is just fine.

First paragraph is the only glaring problem. This is possibly your only chance to draw in publishers or readers. It has to count. First paragraph is stage set up for your first scene. That's needed but you have to grab your reader's interest first. There is no action, no problem needing attention, no conflict, no foreshadowing, no sense of impending trouble. Don't give your reader the option to stop reading after the first few sentences.

Don't feel bad my rough drafts never get this right the first time.

You finish strong though with the time hop. Anybody who read that far will want to know why and what happens next.

Characters:

Justin Hisakawa is clearly the protagonist and I think you've developed him well. His interactions show him to be a good guy with hopes, dreams and he has a heart.

I like the way you handled his sexual orientation. I think you've left the door open to readers outside the LGBT community at least at this point.

Shopping Cart Annie is interesting to me. If she is a walk off character, she's been developed too much in relation to the other two characters introduced. She serves to establish Justin as someone who cares. She also introduces the subject of time travel in a way that works with the story line.

Only issue I see with her is that she is introduced as wizened and feeble voiced but she sounds far stronger in the dialogue.

Mr. Mazaeus I think more needed to be made of Justin feeling uneasy about this guy. Maybe just the "mental shrug" in the passport bit takes away from that sense. In Justin's shoes I would be more wary of the potential trouble this guy obviously represents.

Special Agent Charlotte Corbett Her introduction is where the real conflict begins. I'm not sure if I have a very good feel of who she is. Does she need more description or does Shopping Cart Annie need less? I just know that she's very important to the story.

Kyle and a soldier are mentioned in passing. The second may be quite relevant to the story but I don't think that needs further development here.

Grammar:

My help is not usually very helpful. I didn't see any glaring issues.

style/voice:

Good use of dialogue. Your characters do have their own unique voices. Not everyone does that well.

Setting:

Well described throughout. I always find it useful to appeal to all the senses at least once in a scene this long. I don't recall the sense of smell being brought into this and I think it could add a lot to the realism.

I absolutely detest the word cloying. I don't know why I'm seeing it in so many pieces of writing lately.

Overall:

Except for the first paragraph, I think this chapter is everything it needs to be. I think the story is off to a good start and I look forward to reading more.

Line by line

I don't think I have anything useful in the way of a line by line for this chapter. I think I've already covered what I think is important and useful.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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#4151817

Review of A Very Bad Day Indeed

Review by Pico ヨハネス

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

Barnyards are great places for comedy and this was a great story. I enjoyed it from beginning to end.

My Favorite Elements:

The action/description. It flowed well and was easy to visualize.

Suggestions:

None and that why I've giving back the 75 auto gift points for reviews. I can't offer anything here that I think will make you a better writer.

Overall:

Good luck with the contest. I entered myself and read some of the entries. I'm glad I don't have to pick a winner because there is a lot of good stuff here including this one.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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#3869085

Review of Lucky in Vagas

Review by Pico ヨハネス

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

This is a review from "Simply Positive Review Forum "

Remember I am not a professional reviewer. These are just my personal impressions and thoughts. My goal is to be encouraging and give you something that will actually help your writing.

First Impressions:

I thought this was a very good writer's cramp entry. You followed the prompt and created a nice feel good story. I'm sure someone has already pointed out that you spelled Las Vegas incorrectly as well as a couple other words. No big deal, I liked your story.

My Favorite Elements:

I liked the ending where they both had a pleasant surprise for the other.

Suggestions:

Formatting nitpick. I've notice that sometimes I write something in my word processor and when I copy and paste it into WDC some of the formatting goes wonky. It really does improve readability when you skip a line between paragraphs or indent them. I don't know why I find that so distracting when I read but it does.

Overall:

I like feel good stories unless they are too unrealistic. I thought this one was really good. Keep up the good work.

Keep on writing!

Pico

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Please take the time to visit my portfolio and don't be too shy to sign my guest book. Reviews are always welcome.