I kind of want more.
Particularly here- “No.” Mark’s voice cracked like a whip. “Everyone here deserves to know who you really are.”
Murmurs rose. A manager stepped in, urging calm. Robert shifted, uncomfortable for once. For a fleeting second, Mark felt victorious. He had exposed him.
Monday morning shattered the illusion. HR called him in: complaints about his behavior, warnings about his temper. He was “not a good fit.” By noon, Mark carried a cardboard box out of the building.
We jump from the party without seeing any of the aftermath or the fallout. Why didn't people believe Mark? I understand wrath blinding someone, but I would hope they'd tell the whole story.
Oooo I love it! It reminds me of this quote about how the versions of "me that loved you are gone, but sometimes at night she wanders in and asks if you've called. I hold her hand and we sit in the silence together."
As someone who lost my dad in August and has gone through terrible heartbreak-
"Grief doesn’t knock anymore.
It has a key,
lets itself in,
sits with me like an old friend
who doesn’t say much
but never leaves."
I can feel the realness in this, and I can totally see this happening.
I do feel like if you continue this, only interacting in this way may have negative effects on Ethan. I like that you were able to keep the humanity. I worried at first that writing about this material could lean into leery, cringe territory, but you can tell Ethan is more looking for connection than anything else.
Good details here! I don't believe this needs to be separated into chapters as it reads as a strong narrative. I wish we learned more about the protagonist. What drives Arman to do what he does? How did she make such an impact on him in such a short time?
I think you've got an interesting idea for a story here.
The issue is that it jumps around a lot. Are you going to tell the story chronologically? Or are you flashbacking from the present moment when the protagonist is fleeing?
"Regarding my father, he was angry. He gambled with his money and his house when he put up his house to gamble with, and my mother had been sold to a slave to keep us alive. The slaver was willing to buy everything that he needed to pay off the debt my father incurred. His wife vanished one night,
I charged toward him. He threw a net at me, and I became entangled in it. The other people with him grabbed me and forced me to my knees. As the others in his group grabbed my mother, she screamed as she was dragged out of the house.
I saw the slave owner walk into the house and take her away. He placed a bag containing coins and gems on the table.
The slaver was a big man, and he brought five other people to the house to take her with him. He arrived late at night, and my mother was asleep when he arrived. My father had left for the evening. I did not know where he went. I still do not know where he is.
The other people there held me captive. When my father arrived, I demanded to know what was happening. Pa said,”It is good that she is gone,
I continued to question their activities. Approximately ten years later, my father told me. He has gambled me away.
When he said this. I drew up the dagger. He stood there, looking at me. He smiled and said,”I would like for you to accept the where I have sent you too.”
I glared at him, “What have you done?”
“Nothing much, But you are going to be going to the circus!”
The circus I imagined that I would die there as a gladiator. I had not seen any of these people fight in the circus. However, I knew what they would do. From the stories I had heard, that was the case. I was frightened to hear that I would be sent to the circus.
My father laughed when he said this. I drew my dagger and threw it at him, and he did not see it until it struck him in the chest. He lost his balance and began to fall from his feet to the table. I leapt at him. I hit the dagger pommel with my hand. Driving the dagger into his chest,"
This is the section that needs the most editting. I can't tell if it is a memory or the immediate night he killed his father. The circus also is rather jarring. I think if you focus more on your protagonists thoughts and emotions in this scene and slow it down, it'll make it more readable.
I'm excited to see why the sword glows in his hand!
The fourth and fifth stanza are my favorite. For a better flow, maybe make all the stanzas the same length or a pattern of lengths. Sometimes a lack of flow can make the writing more difficult to follow and react to.
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