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32 Public Reviews Given
35 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I will give the kind of review that I wish people gave me: rather detailed with emphasis on areas that need growth and areas that are pretty good already. And I'll review pretty much anything, whether a poem or an entire novel or anything in between. Admittedly, though, I do tend to be absent-minded, so it does happen that you might have to resend me the review request, but I promise I'll get around to it eventually.
I'm good at...
editing Fantasy books. I've read more fantasy books than pretty much anybody, and I'm willing to read longer books including novels.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Sci-fi, Non-fiction
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica
Favorite Item Types
Novel, Novella, Book
Least Favorite Item Types
Interactive Stories
I will not review...
anything with graphic descriptions of sex/war and retain discretion to not review books that fall too far outside my moral standards.
Public Reviews
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Review of To The End  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a nice concise work. Probably my favorite part of the work was the way you made the lines shorter and shorter as the open went along, creating nicely the feel that she was slipping away towards death. Sweet.
It has no rhyme and rhythm, and normally I'm not much for poems like that, but yours, since it has the fading effect instead, didn't really need it. Nice job.
Only one suggestion - since the poem is so short, the hyphen and spacing in good-bye is very glaring. It might look better just to write goodbye, since that's acceptable English nowadays anyway.
Great idea with the indentation, as well. It really adds a lot.
Well, my review is longer than the poem, so I'll just sum it up - great job and keep it up! After all, good poetry is hard to come by.
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by Maryann Author Icon
2
2
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, I found this chapter on Read and Review, and read it. "Well, that's a pretty normal first chapter. Tries to pose a terrible dilemma, but eventually the main character will save her, a while in, after a few misbegotten attempts. I might as well try to find the other chapters, since it's chapter 1 and maybe it'll give a better perspective." Not in your portfolio... "oh, there's forms... might as well check them out. Oh, it's about OCD! Well, that's a good cause to write a book for, I might as well fill out the form." Take what you will from that, but once I read the form, I was immediately drawn in, as I'm autistic and have suspected for a while that I might have OCD. Having checked out the links at the bottom of the PDF, I probably do not have full OCD (though judging from the same links, it's not just autism and ADHD), but nevertheless, it's a great cause, and I'm thankful for you for writing about it. And, best yet, your work has perfect formatting, or at least as perfect as you're going to get on this site, since it's such a pain to put in all the indents. Almost every work I've seen on here has random grammatical issues, or some words just not capitalized, or every sentence being a new line, but this work was really nice that the grammar was perfect. Congratulations!
However, as I stated in the intro to this review, the work itself did not particularly draw me in at first, and as I continued to read it, I though "well, this work has potential, and it's very good at describing the subject matter, but the plot doesn't move." As a book for a cause, it's very well made, but as a book in general, if I didn't know it was for a cause from the form to fill out before reading the PDF, I would not have taken the book home from the library if I saw it on a shelf. Simply put, the book goes nowhere. You have the dramatic start, but then it turns into a book about handling OCD and fear of that, and "oh, they failed at rescuing her. No, don't be a typical book character and somehow rescue her!" While I'm all for being atypical during writing (Alcatraz and the Evil Librarians by Brandon Sanderson, my type of book), having a typical main character does help advance the plot. However, I do realize that with this type of story, having a separate character to be delving into the ocean to try and save her, then failing and stuff like that wouldn't really work, but it's just janky how the first chapter and then the later chapters seem like they're from an action/adventure novel and the middle ones are a completely different style. On top of that, the climax was incredibly perplexing. I like a climax (as does most people) that you can tell what's going on, and this was not one of those climaxes. It made sense up to the climax, but after having read the climax, I was like "Oh, they somehow beat the squid. Good for them, I guess?" I had no idea what had just gone on in the book, and that is never a good sign when that section isn't explained later. It seemed like there was supposed to be rising action, but instead it was like steps rather than a hill - we start with action, then have a long period where it's just fighting OCD, then we have action again, and then falling action (the newspaper). While the OCD fighting is kinda the point, it doesn't really add to the plot, or if it does in the climax, I couldn't tell. The other plot hole - the first time she really insists on going to save Mari, nobody will let her, and the second time, she does the same thing, and they're randomly fine with it.
However, while that may have been a bit harsh, as the plot is really secondary compared to the point of the book, the point of book is executed very well. The OCD was written about rather well, it got me interested, and it kept me reading to the end of the book, so the plot couldn't have been too bad. In addition, the setting, though albeit rather basic, left very few holes, which was very impressive. I hope your entry goes well for the "Gold Award", as this work certainly deserves to be recognized. One more suggestion, though - it might be a good idea to put the "before reading" form at the top of the page and putting a bit more than just the first chapter in writing.com (they don't really like off-page links, since after all, the PDF could have malware). Since the point of the book is to get people to learn more about OCD, it certainly worked for me! *Smile*
Good luck, and please, keep writing!
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by Maryann Author Icon


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
3
3
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a nice complete work, though it's not my genre of choice, the characters have realistic reactions and the spiritual realm is created rather well. As a whole, the plot is pretty good, unfolds nicely, and works together, making the work make sense.
However, it is a bit thin. Almost all of the story is simply dialogue between people, with nearly no setting, description, or even emotion. Why does Hades care? Why does Cameron care? Why is Ashley the only one with a sense of purpose? Perhaps some of that is from a seemingly dumb and innocuous narrator, but at a certain point the assumptions fall short. Maybe Cleo's parents don't care if she leaves, but oughtn't Ashley's care if there's an extra person in the house? How did they get another plane ticket? Why does nobody care that Caleb died after the first chapter? Why did they come back so early from their grandparents' house? How did they come back so early from their grandparents' house? Looking near the start of the book, there is a rather meaningful setting... that doesn't apply in the rest of the story. And in the first chapter, she should at least read the crumpled piece of paper like a reasonable person would, right?
However, that is a lot of questions, and none of them really need to be answered. Truth be told, not answering some of those questions advances the plot and keeps it from dragging, and some of them have a rather implied answer, but Cleo doesn't really seem to care about anything past a day after the fact. An odd character trait, especially for a narrator. But it is a complete story, nonetheless. The only really important hole there seems to be is that the times seem to supposed to be really important to the story, capitalized, inserted oddly, put at the front of your mind, but it really doesn't seem to matter to the plot. The time skips ahead so often that it loses the sense of urgency, especially since it was not highlighted clearly near the start that Cleo's death was to be on the last day of the month. And at the end, why are they in a park at midnight?
Well, it is a good work nonetheless. Better than I'd do in this genre, certainly, and though the formatting is a little dubious (words not capitalized when they should be, lack of punctuation once in a while, stuff like that), the content is pretty good. Good luck, and keep writing!
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by Maryann Author Icon
4
4
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
That's... wow, peak creativity. I'm genuinely impressed at how both you managed to do anything with such a shirt and especially how you managed to spin into a really good 10 line poem. Impressive. It's like you took a thesaurus and looked through all the words with "me" in it just to put it in that poem, but you couldn't have done that. Wow.
The space where the "me" would be is a very nice touch.
Suggestions... a couple of the lines do seem forced, but there is the fact that there are only so many words with "me" in (For example the "whether they are men or women" (me added for clarification) seems random and a tidbit nonsensical. However, so is the poem, so...) very minor, very minor.
Great job, you made me smile. Have fun and keep writing!
5
5
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This work has potential. The rivalry between the two of them is well charted, and the setting is rather good. It makes one wonder why the kingdom has such an odd inheritance system and especially the end, why they hate the Dosos.
However, as with almost every work, there are some things that could be improved. One of the things that really stood out to me, though I know some people really don't mind, is that there isn't a new line when the person speaking changes. Along with the interesting capitalization, it makes the work rather difficult to read, especially earlier in the chapter.
Another thing that could be improved - I know some of the setting is implied, but this chapter, being chapter 2, could use a fair bit more of it. Why are they brawling? Why did he put on a suit to brawl? Where are they? Why are they practicing with real swords? Who's letting these injuries fly? Oughtn't somebody notice a broken nose? All of these are minor questions, but the sheer lack of details about pretty much anything, while it does highlight the more important information, especially if you intend to drag the story to a fair length, could use quite a bit of world-building, since this doesn't seem to be set in a historic or current time here on Earth.
There are a few minor discrepancies here and there, but only minor discrepancies. For example, Daniel asks if they want to fight after breakfast, but then they fight without eating breakfast. A quick fix would be to have them grab something as they head to the arena or mentioning something like "forget about it." The other one I noticed is that Daniel doesn't really seem to care that his nose got smashed in, and is even fighting like he isn't in any pain at all. While you could make that an interesting story element (Daniel, as he's originally from the Shadows kingd0m, has magic that doesn't let him feel pain), I doubt it was intentional. Thirdly, he puts on a suit right away (is it a jumpsuit kind of suit or like a tux?) but then gets pulled back by his shirt. Exceedingly minor.
All in all, pretty well done. It did sound like it was from a POV, instead of switching between the person and a narrator, and the conflict seemed genuine. I look forward to seeing what becomes of this. Keep writing!
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by Maryann Author Icon
6
6
Review of Locket  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This is a nice work, especially considering you were following a prompt. Prompts can be nice sometimes, but sometimes they actually get in the way of the writing. However, you tied it in nicely here.
In addition, you do something which I don't see often on this site - you use lines effectively, actually making paragraphs in order to add emphasis to those lines that are in shorter paragraphs. However, as with nearly every work, there could be some work done to improve it.
Some things in the story are quite random. The first thing that seems out of place - her line "'This is so gross'" while she slides under the covers. What's wrong with her covers? What's gross about a power failure? It makes sense for her to mutter something, but gross doesn't really fit this context.
Secondly, if Pauline talked the whole night through, why does the desk clerk need to explain more? It seems as though even a ghost could tell an entire story given an entire night. And why is this store still selling this locket, as clearly they aren't saying it's haunted (otherwise, Sylvia wouldn't have bought it for the reason she did)?
As for other things, the narrator speaks rather laboriously. Normally, while narrating, people will contract certain words, fuse certain sentences, and cut phrases shorter than they should be, academically speaking. Your current narrator seems to speak like a normal person who's been typing it out with serious academic autocorrect, and it's not quite meshing. Albeit, this mostly only comes to mind during the last paragraph, but the sentiment still applies. I know I've fallen into the same trap, automatically correcting my sentences, when in reality, people don't talk like robots, and it's especially difficult nowadays with autocorrect putting red lines under everything.
However, as a whole? A great work. Nicely described, rather realistic setting, nice classic work. Keep writing!
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Review of Another Day  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was a nice work, reminding me that some people do, oddly enough, want a clean room. Couldn't be me.
Flash fiction... not my genre, because it has to be nearly perfect to be good, but this is good flash fiction. It captures a picture of life quite nicely, albeit messily due to the perspective. While the messiness is a nice touch, it could use a bit of touch-up. The first thing I noticed - "a spit and a promise". I've never heard of the phrase before... is that purposeful, just nonsense he's thinking? Language from older times, before I was born?
The biggest thing - the first two sentences are in present tense, but the rest of the work is in past tense. Consistency would add to the effect.
Next, "if she decides 'not this one' the 'this one' ends up on the floor". The phrase "the 'this one'" is rather clunky, and could be substituted for by "it".
"She's still just a little kid!" does not seem quite like a phrase one would say excitedly, with exclamation. Perhaps it would be better as something like "well, she's just a little kid." That seems to add a sigh, which could both fit his cheerfulness and slight exasperation.
In addition, there's times where there should be a comma where there isn't, and times where there shouldn't be one where there is. Minor things, and me being very picky.
However, apart from those minor discrepancies, your work paints a nice and seemingly accurate picture, expressing emotion quite well through showing, not telling.
Great job and keep writing!
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Review of Core Chaotic  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This poem is very aptly named. Your choice of meter was spot on for the subject matter, and chaos was very well depicted. The jagged pictures embodied it sharply, utilizing disjointedness instead of villianizing it. Noice. This work of art brought a smile to my face, and not many do. Congratulations, I wish I had something useful to critique, but as poetry goes, not being a poet myself, I don't really have anything to add. I wish you luck and similar skill in all your other endeavors, writing and beyond!
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Review of Camp Fear  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This work is really well written. I don't normally read horror, but browsing through the Newbies section I came across this, and was like "Huh, this is a lot better than most short stories one comes across on here." Overall, really well done.
A few random things - why is it Olivia that tells her that there's a dead body in chapter 4? Secondly, while there is something gained by having the haphazard snapshot views of random scenes, it might improve the effect to have a couple sections stretch a bit more rather than just being "bam, bam, bam, on to the next event". Thirdly, this is a common problem throughout WDC - not every sentence deserves a new line. If some sentences are in a paragraph, it makes the one-liners hit quite a bit harder, making it a "woah!" moment instead of just "oh, it's another bam line".
However, it did have a great effect. The horror is on point, and your character certainly seems appalled despite only slight description. The start is great, the middle is poignant, and the end is spectacular. Nice job, and good luck on further horrific journeys, or whatever you decide to write!

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by Maryann Author Icon
10
10
Review of Chapter 1  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is promising, with a great hook at the end. I could envision what you were writing, which is always a good sign (and something I've found I couldn't do with multiple published books I've read). That being said, it is a first draft, and some things do need to be ironed out, and as you asked for "harsh and honest", I can give that to you.

First thing that's clunky is all the way past the chapter break, in the description of the diner. You might try "With its checkered tiles, bright red booths, and a barely working neon sign, Betsy's (oh, there's another thing - no need to put Betsy's in quotation marks) hadn't changed in decades." That fixes the sentence with no verb while retaining the details. Past that - the air smelled of nostalgia. That would be a slick line, except for the fact that two sentences ago you said it smelled like grease. It's repetitious, thus, and then it reminded people. Our focus is shifted from our exclusive take on Riggs and Ace to "people". Perhaps have Riggs get nostalgic, or Ace, but when it's expounded to simply "people" it loses momentum. "...silence falling upon the lit up streets outside the diner" could be shortened to "...silence blanketing the lit streets outside". More emphasis. Also, "...a few scattered regulars. Two of which were..." should be a comma rather than a period, "... a few scattered regulars, two of which were...", and for more on that last sentence, the maturity part is a bit random, and "her" should be changed to "their".

The only thing outside that paragraph is in the next paragraph - "His hands flailed around as he explained..." He doesn't seem the type to flail, especially in an instance like this. I think he would outline it with his hands dramatically, painting a picture of the scene for Ace rather than just being hyper randomly. Either that or he'd be telling it quietly, hand cupped to his mouth. In addition - at the end of the paragraph, he's still wild, but wouldn't it be rather realistic for him to jump up and slam his hands on the table in excitement during his last question in that paragraph, "And guess who just happens to be her cousin?" It would also bring a bit of satire in, as when Ace doesn't get it, you could have him lose quite a bit of that energy and slump, rather than simply "furrowing his brow", which is a confusion type of action, rather than a "bruh." type of action, such as a glare.

Apart from that, I was rather disappointed, reviewing this work, as I went into it hoping to be "harsh and honest", and the writing was too good so that there wasn't much to be harsh and honest about. I tried to go into as much detail as possible in my harshness in what could use some improvement, but despite reading it through multiple times, I could only find what I found that could use improvement. All in all, it was impressive usage of descriptive language, creative idioms, exceptional character development (if slightly basic, but that will improve once there's more than one chapter. Character development in just one chapter would be preposterous), and great suspense. The cliffhanger at the end was a great hook, and I'd like to read the next chapter once you finish it. Keep writing!

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by Maryann Author Icon
11
11
Review of What if  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
too true, too true. it seems so easy, but when it actually comes down to it, as an overthinker myself, it's so hard to actually get around to it, to insist that you matter, that your feelings are relevant, that you can't help others if you don't help yourself.
but, despite that you might like sentimental comments (I wouldn't know), what you'd probably appreciate more is an honest review of what could be done better and what was already great.
First, what was already great. I really liked the way you started each line with "What if" and put it on a new line. That was such a great touch, making it seem like it's fading even without a repeated ellipse (...) though a repeated ellipse might not look bad, especially after the first "What if" that starts the poem. That would not only give it a nice feeling of fading, it'd also match the final "What if..." at the very end of the poem.
Some extremely minor formatting/grammar things. In the first few... paragraphs, for lack of a better term, the second line is "she stopped smiling when" whereas in some of the later ones, the when is on the third line. I like it better on the second line all the way through, but at the very least it should be standardized. The "When you... I feel cheated" flows a bit awkwardly because of the fade in the middle instead of at the end of the line. Perhaps it would be better as "I feel cheated when you..." instead. The "That hurts" near the beginning is missing a period. "her brothers make her feel like she doesn't know anything ," has an extra space before the comma. The name might sound better as What if... instead of What if "That Hurts", but that's your decision to make. And the only other thing - near the end, "She no longer would bear it" might sound better as something more like "she no longer would have to bear it"? I could be wrong. Again, though, everything in this paragraph is extremely minor, and very little of it has to do with the actual writing itself. The actual writing is spectacular. I'm just being a grammar Nazi, so don't take it personally. This is actually far better formatted than most things on here.
Great writing, and I hope you keep it up. And since most people who write this sort of thing have gone through it (or, more likely, are going through it), I hope things will start looking up for you and that you remember that you're never alone. Keep writing!

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by Maryann Author Icon
12
12
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
It's hard to find good shakespearean elegance, and i was immediately impressed how you managed to use both the same rhyme and poetry scheme as a typical shakespeare work and his old english words and expressions.
Man, I should start reviewing worse works. When one reviews good works, like this one, one runs out of stuff to review rather quickly. It's a remarkable work when the only thing there is to critique is near the end: this paragraph -
Philip:
So be it, then. But mark me, willful boy—
One note amiss, and banishment’s thy lot!
Play on, thou Jazz, but tread with cautious step,
For Bel-Air’s patience is no trifling jot.
This paragraph doesn't quite fit for two reasons. First, why can he just banish him? Bel-Air is not very clearly defined so far, but this seems to contradict what was implied earlier. But the more important and noticeable problem, subtle as it is, is in the last line I copied. This, instead of saying that Bel-Air's patience is thin, which would fit the rest of the paragraph, says that Bel-Air's patience is great. Odd.
All in all, though, a refreshing and good-humored read. Congratulations, and I hope to see a follow-up soon!
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by Maryann Author Icon
13
13
Review of All the New Gods  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is truly a remarkable scene, and the effect is conveyed elegantly. As I often say, the better a work is, the pickier a reviewer has to get about it, and so I'll provide some exceedingly detailed and picky assessments.
"I am hoping the holes in this weary sun... I am hoping it's dying..."
The I am doesn't flow very well, nor does it sound natural. Try "I'm hoping... I'm hoping..." instead.
"The vines creep." This sentence is incredibly random, jutting out like a sore thumb from your flowered elegance, its clipped fear not matching the flowing despair. While that could be used effectively, it's not placed in a good position to hit properly and just seems out of place.
My third critique is a peculiar one. Your item description is pretty weak. I don't have any suggestions of what it could be instead, but it doesn't match the story. You can disregard that if you want.
But, overall, an exceptional story and I really got what you were going for. Nice job!

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by Maryann Author Icon
14
14
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
First of all, nobody likes a grammar Nazi, but at the same time, everybody needs to be a grammar Nazi. Even apart from the glaring eAvery at the start, quite often a space is omitted or punctuation, making it considerably harder to follow.
But as for the actual content, first, I like the font of the body of the story. It gives a great vibe. However, the poem's font is very very striking. i'm not sure whether it is brilliant or a travesty. Remember to start a new line for each different speaker, as when they're all clumped together it makes it hard to read and difficult to tell who's talking. The poem could strike better. I know, I've tried writing prophecies myself, that it's incredibly difficult to write a good one, but as this seems to be such an integral part of the forthcoming remainder of the book, it could use a bit of revision to add a bit more mystery and flair.
this story certainly has some potential, but even with the revisions listed above, the writing is rather weak. Try establishing a style for the narrator, as he jumps from very informative to very casual abruptly (perhaps you could solve the parentheses with footnotes?) and his sentences are either very very short or very run-on. Moderation in all things.
Although it may seem like I think this work is terrible, it isn't really, especially for a first work. The dialogue is excellent, and the ideas posed here make it a good opening chapter, even with the errors listed above.
Good luck on your writing journey!
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Review of Empty  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
The first thing that struck me about this item, was the tense shift, how it goes from present to past, as if you don't intend to keep being there. But maybe, you don't have to just be there for them, they can be there for you. I don't even really know you, but yet, I can still say YOU MATTER!
As for the subject matter... what if the people who look happy and cheerful are actually just masking it just like you? what if you're not the only one who feels like that? what would your friends say if they saw you had written this? what if you're important? or if they blame themselves for the struggle you're going through?
as I said in the other reviews of your items, almost all of my friends are depressed. in fact, I just talked to one of them who felt just this way last night. about how sometimes it doesn't just get better on its own. how sometimes you need to do something about it, to help your friends help you to do something about it, to not give up without a fight.
You are not a failure, and you are not an object. You are a person and you matter.
16
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Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
It's sad how most people don't even try to see both sides of things like this, how they make an assumption and never question it, how they make themselves feel better by bringing down the people who are already struggling. How if they don't understand, they don't even try to.

As for the poetry - the most striking and impressive part about it was how you managed to rhyme the last word of every single line. How you managed so many rhymes of that was remarkable... except for the one line where it doesn't rhyme. It seems as though that line is supposed to hit harder, but for me it just seemed out of place.
I'm of the opinion that rhyme and rhythm belong together, but that's probably just personal preference.
It does hit somewhat hard, but most of that is simply because of the subject matter. More descriptive language would be appreciated, but the unique rhyme system does inhibit that, admittedly.

I hope you find, or, better yet, have found somebody who isn't just being polite.
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Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
...I'm sorry. you write what you know, and sadly enough, I can honestly say that almost all of my friends are like that. If you want somebody who won't "dress their disgust in paper-thin concern", I can certainly be that. And even if you don't, I sincerely hope that you get through it and that you can remember that it doesn't last forever. And I'd like you to know that i'm impressed that you conquered your fears at least somewhat, sharing your story and that you're clearly still here.

Now, onto the poem. It's very obvious that you know the subject matter all too well. You paint it excellently, successfully contriving accurately what you're going for, and best yet, your grammar was spectacular, which isn't very common on this site. This is, and I'm not trying to be flattering, a truly spectacular work, and I don't have much to critique about it. Ingeniously only has one u, but apart from that, it has a great attention getter, a great ending, and great descriptive language in between. Sorry I didn't have more to critique about it, but it certainly earned the 5-star rating I'm giving it.

And just remember - you are not alone.
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Review of Abby Lane  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
First of all, you write what you know. This isn't the first time I've read a book like this, and sadly, the people I know who write like this went through many of the same things. If you want to talk about them, I can be here.
The second most important thing: the google doc link you put on the top isn't public access. I couldn't open it.
The formatting isn't as could as it could be, a more handwritten font would really add a lot, but I understand that it should probably be this way for readability. I'm assuming a lot of the misspellings and bad grammar along with incorrect punctuation was to enhance the fact that it was a diary, but it did make it hard to follow and pay attention to.
It's not exactly my style, but that's personal preference. For the route you went down, I think you did pretty well. However, it is extremely disjointed. Some of the time skips made sense, but most of them it's just like "Oh, yeah, I wasn't on here, but guess what: nothing changed!" It's very repetitive as well, he keeps saying the same things over and over with no added emphasis. If you're going to have him say the same thing over and over, he should add some emphasis. Add some anger! More exclamation points. Even depressed people aren't only depressed.
Nextly, the event where he falls off the roof is so abrupt. It's a very integral part of the story, and it comes out of nowhere, not even the slightest buildup to an event that should have quite a bit of it, and is very little described. I know, a lot of these oversights can fall under the blanket of "It's a diary. He just writes weird.", but a diary is where you write your deepest feelings, and he doesn't seem to have many feelings other than the basic "doom and decimation".
Is he writing this on paper and it's copied into this document? If he is, it should have more ink blots/crossed out parts. This is a diary. They do that sort of thing. If he is originally writing this on a document, there should be more times when he smashes the keyboard. However, I don't think it would work very well to have him be writing this onto a computer, so I think it would be a nice touch to have him be writing in pen with the errors that come with that, bringing me back to the handwriting font. Oh, well.
There are some spelling discrepancies where it seems as though he deliberately misspells a word, spells it right later, and then deliberately misspells it again, most notably with "prostitute".
On a not very related note, the rating might be more accurately put as 18+.
Despite all this criticism above, this was quite well written. You conveyed the story pretty accurately, especially through your characterization, each character's actions fit their personality, and the struggle seems real. Nice job!
If you want me to review a different one of my works, I can do so, and I would appreciate if you reviewed one of mine. Thanks for reaching out!
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Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow! Fantasy is my subject of expertise, as I've read over half of the fantasy section in my school's library (over 400), and I'm pleased to say that if this were to continue as it has been so far, it would be in my top 20 (and that's saying something). A truly enthralling tale you spin, and I'm always a stickler for informal writers. Funny, unique, and somehow managed to avoid repetitiveness throughout the whole thing. Impressive. I really don't have much else to say. If you ever get around to writing more of this, I'd like to be one of the first to know. Sorry that I don't really have many suggestions, if any. I mean, as in any story, there are a few grammar and punctuation issues (mostly punctuation), most previously the lack of a period at the end of the second-to-last line, but far fewer than most books on here. I'd say the book it most related to to me was The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss. I think you'd like him a good bit, if you haven't already read about him. Although there is the small problem that he never got around to writing the third book of that series... amazing job. If I could give it 5.5 stars, I would.


*Leafo*This review is a gift to you from "disABILITY WRITERS GROUP" Open in new Window.*Leafo*
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Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
You have a point, and your usage of repetition to emphasize said point is quite effective. I understood what you were going for and you had a quite convincing argument. However, there was a major problem. The capitalization is very strange, almost as if it is poetry. However, if so, shouldn't each phrase be on a different line? It made it rather hard to concentrate on. Other than that, it was exceptional, especially the amount of emphasis generated per word!

*Leafo*This review is a gift to you from "disABILITY WRITERS GROUP" Open in new Window.*Leafo*
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Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Ouch! The poem truly hits hard, the emphatic statement at the end not seeming out of place, encapsulating perfectly that moment when there's nothing left to do. I really enjoyed also how it doesn't drag at all, using not enough to make it long in the slightest while at the same time leaving nothing out. My only suggestion might be to use more creative words. Perhaps having a thesaurus at hand would help, because pretty much every word in that is very common. But this poem truly deserves the 5 stars i'm giving it.


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Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Nice work! Congratulations on your first day on the site. I really enjoyed how you actually formatted! So many pieces on here don't have any formatting, and it was a great refresher to see one center aligned with a nice large font. It was also fun that I clicked on this as a person from America, expecting American football, and it brought a smile to my face to realize it was the other kind of football. As for the work itself, the vivid imagery really brought a great sense of emotion into the piece. It was concise but still packed with meaning, and I really enjoyed the brief time I spent reading it. Great job and I hope you have a great experience on this site!
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Review of Lonesome Cabin  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wow! I loved the mood, although it did get a bit too dark for my taste. That's just personal preference, though. I felt as though it was really interesting how you rhymed the endings of four lines in a row. I haven't really seen that much before, and it really added something to it. I would say, however, that the couple of paragraphs with five lines, you should get rid of one of them. They really messed up the flow and just seemed... wrong. Other than that, exceptional!
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Review of Shine Far  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like it. It paints a nice picture and the figurative language is truly fitting for the type of poetry it is. A couple minor things: first, perhaps add some rhythm to it? It feels like there should be, reading it quietly to myself, but if one tries to add some rhythm as it is now, it feels very disjointed. Secondly, shouldn't there be a comma before 'it's only bliss'? That's just me being very picky, don't feel bad that you missed that one. Great job!
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Review of First draft start  Open in new Window.
Review by Charles Nasby Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is really well written. I like your descriptive language and how the conversation wasn't just quotation followed by another basic quotation. My only suggestion would be to read it aloud to yourself. Some of the sentences don't quite makes sense, and I think reading this aloud to yourself would help catch some of the simple mistakes. Apart from that, it really drew me in while it lasted. Great job!
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