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1
1
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Chuck Suave


“Goldilocks – The True Story” cleverly flips the familiar fairy tale on its head, offering a modern, satirical retelling from the perspective of the bear family—every bit as warm-hearted, bewildered, and justifiably upset as any reasonable household might be after a break-in.

From the opening lines, the story uses rich, evocative imagery to paint an idyllic forest scene grounded in simple, grounded family routines. The dynamics among the bears — Daddy Bear’s protectiveness, Mummy Bear’s tenderness, and Baby Bear’s spirited curiosity — immediately humanize them and set a stark contrast against the unexpected vandalism that follows.

The tension rises effectively with the discovery of the trashed house, which is described in startling detail. Sticky porridge, shattered chairs, and torn toys—these details cast Goldilocks not as an innocent lost girl, but a reckless intruder. This isn’t the sweet bedtime fable we remember; here, the bears are victims, trying to make sense of the chaos left behind by a seemingly entitled and impulsive child.

Goldilocks herself is reimagined as an angry, defensive figure whose motivations are less accidental and more selfishly driven — fueled by hunger, frustration, and a disturbing sense of entitlement. Her casual destruction and eventual outburst (“I just wanted breakfast!”) raises immediate questions about generational accountability, societal privilege, and perhaps even mental health.

But it's in its later act that this retelling becomes truly original. When the Forest Ranger accuses the bears—ironically—of wrongdoing, the story makes a sharp, funny commentary on how misunderstood situations can spiral when filtered through misinformation or social media outrage. The inclusion of “Mybook” (a nod to Facebook) and live streaming adds a satirical edge highly relevant to today's digital age, where truth and perceptions are often at odds.

The final act veers into amusing, almost absurdist territory, as the Bear family turns their violation into a viral sensation. The rise of BearBnB, complete with paw-signed autographs and the legendary “Porridge Wall,” is both hilarious and a sharp jab at the commodification of trauma and internet fame.

What truly anchors the story is its underlying empathy. Even when Goldilocks is villainized, she’s not demonized; she’s scared, impulsive, broken in her own way. The Bear family’s forgiveness—including an invitation to join them for porridge—speaks volumes about their character and values.

**Final Verdict:**

This retelling is witty, layered, and surprisingly poignant. Beneath the humor and sharp social commentary is a tale about patience, family, misunderstanding, and how everyone has a story behind their actions. It brilliantly reframes a well-known tale for a modern audience without losing its heart.

**Rating: 9/10**
For fans of clever rewrites, subtle satire, and deeper truths wrapped in fairy tale packaging, *Goldilocks – The True Story* is a winner.

sindbad

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2
2
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
Tim Chiu

I appreciate you sharing this poem. It's certainly a unique piece with a very distinct voice and approach to imagery.
"A Gift For Romance: Remarkably Glitzy" presents a fascinating, almost surreal, landscape of a woman characterized by a blend of opulence, sensuality, and unexpected juxtapositions. The poem's strength lies in its bold, often jarring, imagery, which aims to create a memorable and provocative portrait.
The opening lines immediately establish a tone of decadence and luxury, describing the woman as "decadent," "elaborate," and "luxurious." However, this is quickly subverted by more unconventional descriptions like "luscious pirate and fit angel" and "gorging on her booty, / A ruby red, risqué apple." These phrases suggest a powerful, perhaps even rebellious, sensuality that defies traditional notions of romance or femininity. The imagery moves rapidly, sometimes creating a sense of a stream of consciousness, as it jumps from "ideal princess / Of the heaven’s / Sun-kissed aurora" to the startling "gavel’s euphonious / Dumpster fire of unspeakable grit." This particular contrast is quite jarring and might be intended to highlight a duality within the subject – perhaps a struggle between the ideal and the raw, or the beautiful and the grotesque.
The poem continues with a series of vivid, almost tactile, descriptions: "A carriage of moist, jonesed, / And misbehaving caviar," "softened, gentle kitten / Licking the moisture off a / Moaning, pleasurable set." These lines are intensely sensual, focusing on sensory details that evoke touch, taste, and sound. The phrase "device girl’s dreamy handstand" adds another layer of intriguing, perhaps even playful, oddity, suggesting a performer or someone deliberately displaying themselves.
The second stanza shifts slightly in focus, moving towards the setting of a romantic encounter. It describes "spirits and beverages / Of a stimulating, relaxing variety," hinting at an evening of indulgence. The image of "Coming down to earth / Like an advertised skydiver / Of equitable stomach and features" is another unexpected, almost humorous, simile that grounds the fantastical elements in a more mundane, yet still quirky, reality. The poem concludes by setting the scene for "an awesome and seductive evening / Of sultry, significant glamour / And satisfying glitz," bringing the focus back to the initial theme of luxurious romance. The final lines, "A slam dunk, succulent, / And tasty substance / In the delicate, / Celebratory, cerebral offing…", are somewhat abstract but seem to refer to the culmination of this highly sensual and perhaps intellectually stimulating encounter.
Overall, "A Gift For Romance: Remarkably Glitzy" is a poem that aims to provoke and intrigue with its unconventional blend of the opulent, the sensual, and the strikingly bizarre. It's a piece that demands attention and encourages the reader to delve into its rich, if sometimes challenging, tapestry of images.
Would you like to discuss any specific lines or images from the poem in more detail?

sindbad


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3
3
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
Tim Chiu

Here is a detailed review of your poem, "A Sexy Desire: An Optimal Allure."

### Theme and Tone
Your poem centers on a powerful, sensual businesswoman who skillfully blends her professional acumen with unrestrained sexuality. The tone is playful, cheeky, and vividly descriptive, celebrating her assertiveness and unapologetic indulgence in both her career and personal desires.

### Structure and Rhythm
Each stanza follows a consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme, generally utilizing an AABB pattern. This creates a sing-song, almost whimsical flow which suits the subject's flamboyant lifestyle. The meter is mostly regular, though there are occasional uneven lines (“Having some joe, splitting forks, eating melon…”) which add variety without overly disrupting the poem’s beat.

### Imagery and Language
The poem is rich in imagery—luxurious bedrooms, business meetings, wine, and intimate encounters are all woven into the tapestry of her day. Phrases like **“this white-collar she-devil,”** **“every superlative,”** and **"management bodies - highlights and deeds"** highlight both the protagonist's allure and professional prowess. Details like **"pencil in mouth as she listens on zoom"** cleverly ground the poem in modernity.

### Characterization
The central figure is confidently rendered: “a sumptuous lady, a surging executive,” whose passions and competencies are one and the same. She is not only desired but desiring, which makes her characterization both subversive and empowering. The poem dances between humor and seduction, crafting an image of someone whose sensual energy is as formidable as her business instincts.

### Word Choice and Style
Wordplay like **"coinciding sexuality with meetings and management"** and phrases such as **"saunas and spas are not needed repressions"** give the poem a sly, knowing edge. There’s a playful sense of exaggeration (e.g., "she does them, a million"), and the recurring business references ground her sexuality in the context of power and control.

### Strengths
- **Unique Blend:** The mix of sexual desire and corporate ambition is relatively rare in poetry and is handled with flair.
- **Voice:** The dominant, self-assured female perspective is refreshing and entertaining.
- **Imagery:** Vivid situations and settings are painted efficiently and appealingly.

### Areas for Refinement
- **Clarity:** Occasionally, the imagery gets muddled, and some lines border on being overly complex or confusing (e.g., “Routine evincing’s…her mansion can plan it!”).
- **Consistency:** While playfulness is a strength, a few word choices or references feel forced, breaking immersion (e.g., "splitting forks, eating melon…").
- **Polish:** Tightening some of the rhymes and smoothing meter in places could enhance the natural musicality.

### Overall Impressions
Your poem is bold, witty, and unapologetically indulgent—presenting a rare celebration of feminine power that fuses sexuality with the world of ambitious business. The central character is vividly drawn and memorable, and the poem’s energetic tone carries through from beginning to end. With slight refinement on some lines for clarity and meter, this could become an even stronger and more compelling piece.

If you’d like specific line-by-line feedback or suggestions, let me know!

sindbad


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4
4
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Tim Chiu

The poem "Our Great Spirituality: A Powerful Guide" delves into themes of natural disaster, human suffering, and the solace found in faith. It presents a world grappling with immense cruelty and chaos brought about by "Mother Nature's egregious changes," leading to tragic loss of life and an overwhelming sense of grief.
The opening stanzas powerfully convey the immediate aftermath of a catastrophe, focusing on the desperate search for survivors and the somber recovery of bodies for "cyclical closure." The language here, such as "clinging to every last breath" and "grief and pain are enormous and unmatched," effectively communicates the scale of the tragedy and the profound impact on human existence.
A pivotal shift occurs with the introduction of "spirituality." The poem posits that spirituality is the key to restoring the "physical depth, height, and breadth / Of our agonizing and heartbroken existence." This suggests that faith offers a holistic recovery, not just emotional but also a re-grounding in the physical world after such disorienting events.
The poem then contrasts the struggles of the "human mind," which has "long fought / For supremacy, control, and functionality," with the overwhelming nature of the "universe's dark and gloomy horrors." This highlights the limitations of human intellect alone in confronting such profound challenges.
The concluding lines emphasize the critical role of "Our Faith / In The Glorious Father / Of Heaven / And Creation." Without this faith, the poem argues, humanity would be consumed by "all-out futility," leading to "fraught and often failed, / Tested features / Of our disobedient / And confounded feelings." This underscores the idea that faith provides an anchor and a moral compass, preventing despair and guiding humanity toward "Otherworldly / And sacred / Morality and truths."
Overall Impression:
The poem is a poignant reflection on suffering and the human need for spiritual solace. It effectively uses vivid imagery to convey the devastation of natural disasters and the emotional toll they take. The contrast between human struggle and divine guidance is clearly articulated, presenting faith as a necessary and powerful guide in times of immense hardship. The capitalization of "Our Faith," "The Glorious Father," "Heaven," and "Creation" further emphasizes the reverence and importance the poet places on these spiritual concepts..

sindbad


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5
5
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
flyfishercacher

This scene is a charming and effective portrayal of a common youth experience: the struggle to participate in sports due to financial constraints and parental disapproval. It beautifully develops Torey's character and strengthens his bond with Addo and Coach Dreyer.
Overall Impression
The scene is heartwarming and relatable. It captures the youthful enthusiasm for a new sport, the challenges faced by kids from less privileged backgrounds, and the positive influence of a good coach and friend. The pacing feels natural, and the resolution for this specific dilemma is satisfying.
Character Development
Torey Campbell
* Strengths: Torey is presented as eager, frustrated, and ultimately determined. His internal struggle with not having the right gear, his embarrassment, and his yearning to be part of the team are palpable. The detail of him still wearing "church shoes" immediately conveys his situation without explicit dialogue. His honesty about his father's disapproval adds depth to his character and elicits empathy. His hesitation about shopping for himself is a nice touch, highlighting his youth and dependence on his mother, making his eventual resolve more significant.
* Areas for Consideration: His character arc within this scene is strong, moving from despair to hope and determination.
Addo Okoro
* Strengths: Addo shines as the supportive and proactive best friend. He immediately recognizes Torey's plight, offers encouragement, and, most importantly, advocates for Torey with Coach Dreyer. His "contagious enthusiasm" is a great character trait. He's a loyal and kind friend, and his willingness to go shopping with Torey shows genuine care.
* Areas for Consideration: Addo is consistently positive and helpful, serving as an excellent foil and support system for Torey.
Willem Dreyer (Soccer Coach)
* Strengths: Coach Dreyer undergoes a subtle but effective character arc in this scene. He initially appears stern and uncompromising ("scowl," "completely ignoring Torey," "displeasure written all over his face"). This initial rigidity sets up the impact of Addo's intervention. Once he understands Torey's genuine desire and the financial constraints, he transforms into a compassionate and practical mentor. His internal thought about parents who don't understand life lessons from sports is insightful and reveals his deeper philosophy. He embodies the ideal youth coach, providing guidance beyond just the game. His practical advice on shopping is excellent and realistic.
* Areas for Consideration: His initial curtness with Torey is effective in demonstrating the challenge, but it might be slightly harsh given he had just met Torey at the previous practice. However, it also highlights his high expectations and seriousness about commitment.
Setting and Atmosphere
* Runestone Park: The contrast between "Torey’s world of concrete, asphalt, and bricks" and the "grass and trees of Runestone Park" effectively paints a picture of a welcome escape and a place for growth. The "oppressive heat of August" is well-established, adding to the sense of physical challenge during practice and the relief of a "light breeze from nowhere."
* Practice Environment: The details of warm-ups, wind sprints, ball drills, and scrimmages, followed by water breaks and critiques, create a realistic practice atmosphere.
Plot and Pacing
* Introduction of Conflict: Torey's lack of gear and his "church shoes" immediately establish the central conflict of the scene.
* Rising Action: The initial cold shoulder from Coach Dreyer, Addo's intervention, and the detailed explanation of Torey's financial situation build the narrative tension.
* Climax/Decision Point: The conversation among Torey, Addo, and Coach Dreyer on the bleachers is the core of the scene, where the problem is thoroughly discussed and a solution is forged. Torey's decision to "grow up" and shop for himself is a mini-climax.
* Resolution (Scene-level): The scene ends on a hopeful and determined note, with Torey ready to tackle the challenge, supported by Addo and the coach's advice. It leaves a sense of anticipation for his shopping adventure.
* Pacing: The scene builds slowly, emphasizing Torey's isolation and frustration, then accelerates as the conversation with Coach Dreyer and Addo unfolds, leading to a practical plan. The dialogue feels natural, contributing to the steady pace.
Dialogue
* The dialogue is authentic and serves the story well.
* Torey's raw frustration ("His frustration clearly showed in his voice") and Addo's supportive remarks ("We gotta get him into the game") are well-captured.
* Coach Dreyer's shift in tone, from curt to understanding, is effectively conveyed through his lines.
* The practical advice for shopping (specific stores, brand suggestions, fitting emphasis) feels genuine and helpful, reflecting Dreyer's newfound role as a paternal figure.
Themes
* Perseverance: Torey's desire to play, despite obstacles, is a central theme.
* Friendship and Support: Addo's role as a loyal and encouraging friend is prominent.
* Mentorship: Coach Dreyer's transformation from a strict coach to a compassionate mentor highlights the importance of adult guidance in a young person's life.
* Overcoming Adversity: The scene subtly explores the challenges of financial hardship and parental disapproval in pursuing personal interests.
* Coming of Age: Torey's task of shopping for himself represents a small but significant step towards independence.
Minor Points / Suggestions
* "Scene 13 Rev B": As noted in the previous review, this is likely a script notation. For a prose story, it's unnecessary.
* "Willem Dreyer was standing among the boys already arrived — towering over them would be more appropriate." This is a good descriptive sentence that immediately gives a sense of the coach's physical presence.
* The detail of "The sunset over the rooftops west of the park leaked blood into the high, sparse clouds" is a poetic and strong closing image, adding a touch of moodiness and significance to the end of the day.
This scene is a solid contribution to the narrative, providing both character development and forward momentum. It successfully creates an emotional connection with Torey and builds anticipation for his next steps...sindbad


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6
6
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
flyfishercacher

Let's break down Scene 11 Rev B, "Just Us Girls," focusing on its effectiveness as Viviana's characteristic moment and the hook for her arc.
Overall Impression
This scene clearly establishes Viviana's personality and her initial approach to life, particularly her tendency to use others to achieve her goals. It effectively introduces her as the antagonist to Torey and sets up her arc. The dialogue feels authentic for teenage girls, and the dynamics between the three friends—Vivi the leader/manipulator, Brigit the eager sidekick, and Ishma the skeptical moral compass—are well-defined. The setting details, particularly the heat and the train, add a nice layer of sensory experience.
Strengths
* Viviana's "Characteristic Moment" and Arc Hook: This is the scene's strongest element.
* Manipulation: Vivi's immediate thought to "get Torey Campbell to write it for me!" (line 66) is a brilliant, concise reveal of her core characteristic. This is reinforced by her internal monologue at the end (line 105): "Yep. I’ll get Torey Campbell to write that stupid science paper for me. Gotta work on meeting his friends too." This is her antagonist hook.
* Priorities: Her dismissal of Ishma's practical concerns about the future ("Get married," line 44; "That’s too far away to think about," line 90) highlights her present-focused, somewhat shallow perspective, further defining her character.
* Influence on Friends: She clearly holds sway over Brigit, who readily agrees with her, and even manages to wear down Ishma to a degree.
* Distinct Character Voices:
* Viviana: Comes across as cunning, a bit self-centered, and focused on immediate gratification.
* Ishma: The "skeptic" role is well-played. She's the voice of reason, concern, and morality, often challenging Vivi and Brigit. Her internal thought at line 58 ("secretly pleased that Viviana might actually have to produce something on her own") is a great touch.
* Brigit: The "sidekick" is perfectly captured—eager for fun, boy-crazy, and easily influenced by Vivi. Her "morbid humor" (line 65) adds another layer.
* Pacing and Flow: The dialogue feels natural and moves the scene along effectively. The girls' conversations jump between topics (boys, science, future plans) in a realistic teenage fashion.
* Sensory Details: The descriptions of the heat (lines 33, 64, 79), the "effective oven" (line 33), and the omnipresent train (lines 93-94, 98, 106) ground the scene in a tangible environment. The train, in particular, becomes a strong recurring element that subtly emphasizes the setting's characteristics.
* Setting the Stage for Conflict: The mention of Torey, the science team, and Vivi's immediate intention to manipulate him sets up a clear conflict for their relationship and Viviana's arc.
Areas for Refinement
* Show, Don't Tell - Character Descriptions: While some physical descriptions are good (Vivi's freckles, Brigit's build, Ishma's boobettes), some lines tell us about their personalities rather than showing them through action or dialogue.
* Line 2: "Though ruffled by the boys’ crudeness, they enjoyed the attention. Just entering their teen years, the girls were not accustomed to that kind of behavior. Still, it tickled them." This is a lot of telling about their internal state. Can this be conveyed more subtly through their reactions?
* Line 88: "Ishma, the shortest of the three, tended to let Viviana be the natural leader. But when she had a point, she was not shy about making it." We see this throughout the scene, so this direct statement feels redundant.
* Line 59: "Ishma Jacob was the smallest of the three. Her chunky body was less busty than Viviana’s. In fact, her newly acquired boobettes were barely visible under her plain blouse." While descriptive, "chunky body" feels a little harsh given the overall tone.
* Information Dump - BNSF Railway: Lines 93 and 94 provide a substantial amount of technical detail about the BNSF Railway. While the train is a good environmental element, this level of specific information about its operations, number of employees, miles of track, and corporate mergers feels out of place for a scene focused on teenage girls. It pulls the reader out of the moment and doesn't serve the immediate narrative purpose of the scene. The "duopoly" detail is particularly jarring. Keep the focus on how the train impacts the girls (noise, blocking streets), not a factual report on the company.
* Clarity/Redundancy in Dialogue:
* Lines 10, 11, 12, 14, 15: The back-and-forth about Dr. Henderson versus "the boy" (Torey) is a bit extended. While it shows Brigit's distraction, it could be slightly streamlined without losing the humor or character beat.
* Line 27: "Are you serious," exclaimed Ishma, taking the words out of Vivi’s mouth." This is a common phrasing, but consider if Vivi's reaction alone (line 26) is enough to convey her surprise, or if Ishma's line can be rephphrased to show her reaction without explicitly stating she took words out of Vivi's mouth.
* Minor Sentence Structure/Word Choice:
* Line 1: "gawped Ishma." "Gawped" feels a little strong for the context of a simple question. "Asked," "replied," or "exclaimed" might fit better depending on the intended delivery.
* Line 17: "On her ruddy complexion, the freckles were the marks of little fairies called brownies." This is a very specific and somewhat whimsical description that might feel a bit out of place with the grounded tone of the rest of the scene.
* Line 36: "defeated but amused with the idea." This is a good internal beat for Vivi. Perhaps consider if her amusement could be shown more explicitly.
* Line 69: "seethed Ishma, first on the moral grounds, and second for the idea that Viviana might again escape having to take responsibility." "Seethed" is good, but the second part of the sentence is quite expository. Her "seething" should convey her internal conflict.
Specific Line Edits/Suggestions (Optional)
* Line 2: Instead of telling, show them enjoying the attention. Maybe they subtly preen, glance back, or giggle. "Ishma Jacob, Brigit Fogarty, and Viviana Tessaro crossed Fletcher Avenue and casually walked east on Archer Boulevard. Though the boys' crudeness ruffled them, a spark of amusement, unfamiliar but not unwelcome, flickered between the newly minted teens." (Still a bit telling, but leaning more towards showing internal sensation).
* Line 17: Consider simplifying: "On her ruddy complexion, Brigit's freckles seemed to dance, hinting at her Irish heritage." or just focus on the visual.
* Line 31: "So what. That’s the way guys are," responded Brigit, dismissively, "You can’t take it seriously." Perhaps: "So what? That's just how guys are," Brigit shrugged. "You can't take it seriously."
* Line 59: "Ishma Jacob was the smallest of the three. Her newly acquired boobettes were barely visible under her plain blouse." (Removes "chunky body" and focuses on the "boobettes" detail).
* Lines 93-94: Condense significantly. Focus on the impact of the train. "The familiar rumble of a huge, slow-moving freight train greeted the girls as they reached Railway Road. Pulled by a double locomotive, the BNSF train crawled through Allerford, blocking streets for miles and sounding its whistle at every crossing, a daily disruption to life here." (Removes the corporate details, focuses on the train's presence and effect).
* Line 100-101: This is interesting background, but the phrase "Unknown to both Torey Campbell and Viviana" is a very authorial intrusion. This information might be better placed elsewhere if it's important for the reader to know, or revealed through other means later. For this scene, it can likely be cut.
Conclusion
This scene is a strong foundation for Viviana's character and her story arc. It's lively, the characters are distinct, and the central conflict (Vivi's manipulation of Torey) is clearly established. The primary recommendation for improvement would be to minimize the authorial intrusion and information dumps, especially regarding the BNSF, allowing the character interactions and subtle cues to carry more of the narrative weight. The scene effectively serves its purpose as Viviana's characteristic moment and a hook for her journey.
What are your thoughts on these suggestions? Do you want to dive deeper into any specific aspect of the scene?

sindbad


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7
7
for entry "Scene 10 _ Easy Money" Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
flyfishercacher

This scene, "Easy Money," presents a compelling and realistic portrayal of teenagers grappling with financial struggles, societal pressures, and the dangerous allure of drug dealing. The characterizations are strong, the dialogue feels authentic, and the underlying tension is well-maintained throughout.
Strengths of the Scene
* Authentic Dialogue and Character Voices: The conversations between Torey, Miles, and Jake feel incredibly natural for their age. Their banter, concerns, and differing perspectives are distinct and believable. Miles's cynicism, Jake's impressionability, and Torey's more contemplative nature shine through in their lines. Leon's "Candy Man" persona and his shift to aggressive sales tactics are also well-captured.
* Realistic Portrayal of Teenage Concerns: The boys' discussions about needing money for soccer shoes, asking a girl out, getting out from under their parents, and future job prospects (factory, Army) are all highly relatable teenage anxieties. This grounds the scene in a sense of reality that makes the introduction of drug dealing even more impactful.
* Effective Characterization of Leon "Iceman" Bertozzi: The description of Iceman as physically unimposing but "dangerous — like a rattlesnake hidden under a bush" is brilliant. It subverts expectations and makes him more menacing than if he were simply a stereotypical tough guy. His sniffling and squeaky voice add to this unsettling contradiction. The detail about his appearance being a "picture of the result" of his choices is a powerful visual for the boys and the reader.
* Building Tension and Conflict: The scene gradually builds tension. Initially, it's the boys' financial woes and their casual discussion about Bertozzi. This escalates with Bertozzi's arrival, his drug offerings, and then the direct proposition to sell. The internal struggles of Torey and Miles, juxtaposed with Jake's eager interest, create a good dynamic.
* Subtle Foreshadowing/Symbolism: Torey "still wearing church shoes" is a great detail. It immediately sets him apart and symbolizes his slightly more "straight" path compared to his friends, or at least his current circumstances. The constant mention of them ties into his need for "soccer shoes," representing his aspirations and a cleaner way out.
* Moral Dilemma: The scene effectively highlights the moral dilemma faced by the boys, particularly Torey. The temptation of "easy money" is clear, but so are the risks and the inherent ugliness of the drug world, embodied by Bertozzi himself.
* Pacing and Flow: The scene moves at a good pace, transitioning smoothly from idle chatter to a serious proposition. The interruption by the elderly couple is a well-placed moment that adds a layer of social commentary and highlights Torey's underlying decency.
* Show, Don't Tell (Mostly): For the most part, the scene shows us the characters' personalities and motivations through their dialogue and actions rather than telling us directly. The description of Bertozzi, while a bit expository, is warranted to establish his character.
Areas for Consideration/Minor Improvements
* Exposition on Blue Meanies: While informative, the detailed explanation of "Blue Meanies" (psychedelic mushrooms) feels a little too much like an informational text dropped into the script. A brief, descriptive line from Iceman about their effects might suffice, allowing the reader to infer the danger without such a lengthy, scientific explanation. Perhaps integrate some of this information more naturally into the dialogue or through a character's reaction.
* Torey's Internal Monologue - "Who's the jerk here? Me or them?": While internal thoughts are fine, this particular line feels a bit blunt and slightly less sophisticated than some of Torey's other internal reflections. It could be rephrased for more impact or shown through his actions.
* Miles's Sudden Decisiveness (Then Retreat): Miles's "I am" when Jake asks if Torey is thinking about joining Bertozzi, followed by his later "This scares me," is a good arc, but the initial "I am" could be softened slightly, perhaps with a more hesitant tone or a quick glance at Torey, to make his subsequent fear more believable. It feels a little too strong for his general skepticism.
* The "Offer Closed!" Line: While Bertozzi's frustration is clear, "Offer closed!" feels a little clichéd and slightly out of character for his more subtle menace. His actions (clenching fists, flushed face) are very effective; the line itself could be rephrased to be more dismissive or threatening without being so direct. Something like, "Fine, just don't come crawling back when you're broke!" might have more punch.
* Small Repetitions: There's a slight repetition of "Torey looked askance" and "Torey's mouth fell open" within a relatively short span. Varying these descriptions slightly could enhance the prose.
Overall Impression
"Easy Money" is a strong and impactful scene. It effectively introduces the characters, their dynamics, and a significant moral crossroads. The dialogue is a particular highlight, capturing the authentic voices of teenagers. The character of Bertozzi is well-crafted, creating a genuinely unsettling presence. The scene sets up significant conflict and potential future plotlines for Torey and his friends. It's a compelling piece of writing that draws the reader in and leaves them wanting to know what decisions these boys will ultimately make. I like the level that you did keep in mind to write this interesting sequel...sindbad


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8
8
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi

flyfishercacher

Here's a detailed review of "Scene 09 Rev E - Standing on the Corner," focusing on its strengths and areas for potential improvement and this after I had review the chapter 8 yesterday.
Overall Impression
This scene effectively establishes Torey Campbell as a protagonist who is beginning to diverge from his immediate social circle. The dialogue feels natural for teenagers, and the setting of Kopischke's Market as a neighborhood hub is well-realized. The introduction of the bullies, Rufus and Nestor, adds a layer of tension and hints at a potential future conflict.
Strengths
* Authentic Dialogue: The conversations between Torey, Miles, and Jake, especially their banter and teasing, feel very realistic for middle schoolers. The quick back-and-forth about money, jobs, and later the girls, is a strong point.
* Character Contrast (Torey vs. Friends): The scene effectively highlights Torey's evolving interests (soccer, science, Viviana) in stark contrast to Miles and Jake's more cynical, passive, and less ambitious outlook. This creates immediate empathy for Torey and establishes him as a dynamic character.
* Setting Immersion: Kopischke's Market is well-described, functioning as more than just a backdrop. Its dual role as a "bread and milk" store and a social center, even with its associated drawbacks for the owner, is clearly communicated.
* Introduction of Conflict/Themes:
* Torey's Internal Conflict: He's grappling with his friends' negativity and his own new aspirations. His thought, "Maybe he's right. Do I really want to do this?" and "Boy. I just don't get it. He suddenly felt very out of place," effectively convey his internal struggle.
* External Threats: The appearance of Rufus and Nestor, and the mention of Leon "Iceman" Bertozzi, immediately introduces an element of danger and potential moral dilemma (pushing drugs).
* Pacing: The scene flows well, transitioning smoothly from lighthearted banter to more serious discussions, and then to the arrival of the bullies.
* Show, Don't Tell (Mostly): For example, instead of saying Miles and Jake were immature, their catcalls and subsequent negative comments about the girls when ignored show their immaturity. Similarly, Torey's quietness and internal thoughts effectively convey his discomfort.
Areas for Potential Improvement
Character Development & Nuance
* Miles and Jake's Motivation: While their characters serve as foils to Torey, their negativity, particularly regarding school and ambition, could be deepened. Are they genuinely lazy, or is there an underlying sense of hopelessness or limited opportunity in their environment that contributes to their outlook? A brief, subtle line could hint at this, making them less one-dimensional.
* Viviana Tessaro: She's introduced as a potential romantic interest and a symbol of Torey's new, positive direction. However, her interaction is minimal ("Hi, Torey," "giggling," "smiled and nodded," "smile and a little wave"). Giving her a slightly more substantial, even if brief, line or action could make her feel more like a character and less like a plot device.
* Rufus and Nestor's Threat Level: They establish themselves as bullies, but their dialogue, while effective in conveying arrogance ("Thug in Charge," "we own this territory"), sometimes borders on generic "tough guy" talk. Consider a more specific, unsettling threat or a physical detail that amplifies their intimidation without being overtly violent in this initial encounter. For example, instead of just "You guys mess with us, and you'll be face down in the alley," perhaps a more chilling, less cliché, warning.
Dialogue & Word Choice
* "Jigaboo" Slur: Miles's use of "jigaboo" is jarring and effective in highlighting his prejudice and Torey's discomfort. However, Torey's internal thought, "irritated at the unnecessary slur but deciding to let it pass," feels a little direct. While understandable for an internal thought, consider if there's a more visceral, less analytical way for Torey to react internally, perhaps focusing on the feeling of betrayal or disappointment in Miles.
* Repetitive Descriptions (Girls' Looks): Miles and Jake repeatedly comment on the girls' appearances, initially with general interest, then with negative remarks. While this demonstrates their immaturity, the repetition of "too fat" and "too skinny" could be slightly varied or condensed without losing the impact.
* Miles's "No End of Surprises" Line: Miles's summary of Torey's new interests ("You go to church, you’re playing soccer, you hang out with blacks, you got a thing goin’ with that fat brunette, and you takin’ science?") feels a bit like a checklist. While it effectively highlights the changes in Torey, it could be slightly more integrated into the natural flow of the dialogue.
* Torey's "What jerks" thought: This is a clear statement of his feelings. It's effective, but consider if a slightly more nuanced or specific thought could further deepen his perspective, perhaps relating back to his earlier confusion.
Pacing & Structure
* The Girl Section: The segment where Miles and Jake comment on the girls, the girls enter the store, and then emerge for more comments, is a bit drawn out. While it serves to establish Torey's burgeoning interest in Viviana and his friends' immaturity, it could be tightened slightly without losing its impact.
Minor Edits
* "Shiny black old peoples shoes": Jake's line about "shiny black old peoples shoes" is a bit clunky. "Shiny black old people's shoes" or "shiny black old-person shoes" would flow better.
* "Torey ignored them both. That’s Viviana Tessaro and her two friends – man she is pretty." The internal thought here is immediate and direct. Perhaps break it into two thoughts or slightly rephrase for smoother reading.
Conclusion
"Scene 09 Rev E" is a strong foundational scene that effectively sets up Torey's character arc and introduces key conflicts. Its natural dialogue and well-defined setting are commendable. By subtly enhancing character motivations, refining some dialogue, and tightening a few descriptive passages, the scene can become even more impactful and compelling. The scene does a great job of showing Torey standing at a crossroads, both literally and figuratively, facing the decision of whether to continue down a familiar path or forge a new one.


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9
9
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi

flyfishercacher

This scene, "Lunch with Addo," effectively develops the characters of Torey and Addo and introduces a central conflict related to racial prejudice.
Character Development
* Torey Campbell: Torey is portrayed as curious and initially somewhat naive about the world beyond his immediate experience. His questions to Addo about Ghana, his parents' education, and their reasons for coming to the U.S. highlight his lack of exposure. He's genuinely surprised by Addo's family background, which sets up the contrast between their upbringings. His defensiveness when Miles criticizes his friendship with Addo shows he has a moral compass and is willing to stand up for what he believes is right. His comment about his mom working harder than both him and his dad adds a touch of relatable family dynamic.
* Addo Okoro: Addo comes across as grounded, intelligent, and subtly aware of societal prejudices. His matter-of-fact tone when explaining why his family lives in Drullins ("Because we're black") is a powerful moment that starkly contrasts with Torey's naiveté. He's proud of his heritage and his family's achievements, and he's also observant, noticing Miles' "chill" toward him, which Torey misses. His slight defensiveness about his parents not being lazy after Torey's dad's comment about education also adds depth.
* Miles Hawkins: Miles serves as the antagonist, representing the prevalent racial prejudice within the school's social dynamics. His direct and unfiltered comments about "the blacks" and "crossover" establish him as a source of conflict for Torey. His quiet delivery of "Not if you want any white friends" makes his prejudice even more chilling, suggesting a deeply ingrained belief system.
* Mrs. Sesay: Though a minor character, Mrs. Sesay adds a touch of warmth and community. Her interaction with Addo shows a pre-existing friendly relationship, subtly hinting at the close-knit nature of the Black community within the setting.
Themes and Conflict
The scene masterfully introduces several key themes:
* Racial Prejudice: This is the most prominent theme, brought to a head by Miles's remarks. The dialogue between Miles and Torey clearly establishes the racial divide and the societal pressure to conform to group loyalties.
* Socioeconomic Differences: The contrast between Torey's working-class family (machinist father, stay-at-home mother) and Addo's highly educated parents (engineer father, math teacher mother) is stark and well-drawn. This highlights that socioeconomic status is not solely tied to race, challenging potential stereotypes.
* Education vs. Apprenticeship: The differing views on education between Torey's father and Addo's parents create a subtle tension. This foreshadows potential future choices and conflicts for Torey.
* Immigration and Cultural Identity: Addo's background as a Ghanaian immigrant whose parents escaped a revolution provides an interesting layer to his character and offers Torey (and the reader) a glimpse into a different cultural experience. "Red Red" is a nice touch for this.
Dialogue and Pacing
The dialogue feels natural and age-appropriate for high school students. The casual banter about lunch, school, and girls helps establish their friendship before the more serious topics emerge. The pacing is effective, building slowly from light conversation to the impactful revelations about Addo's family and then to the direct confrontation with Miles.
* "Oh! Today I've got Red Red.": This is a great detail that immediately sets Addo's background apart and provides a sensory experience for the reader.
* "Because we're black," Addo returned in a matter-of-fact tone, that caught Torey completely off guard. This line is incredibly powerful. The "matter-of-fact tone" from Addo and Torey's "completely off guard" reaction effectively convey the depth of the racial divide and Torey's unfamiliarity with such blunt realities.
* "Black is black, and neither side is gonna ‘preciate you doin’ the crossover thing.": Miles's dialogue is chillingly effective in conveying the entrenched prejudice and social rules.
Setting
The cafeteria is an ideal setting for this scene. It's a common, somewhat informal space where social dynamics among teenagers play out, making the introduction of racial tensions feel realistic and impactful. The initial hunger and finding a seat are relatable details that ground the scene.
Areas for Consideration/Minor Suggestions
* Torey's Reaction to Miles's Exit: Torey and Hawkins walk out together, but there's no immediate reaction from Torey after Hawkins' final line, "No man – that's life." While Torey's anger is evident, a small internal thought or physical reaction from Torey immediately after Miles walks away could further emphasize the impact of Miles's words on him. This is minor, as his anger is clear, but it could add another beat.
* Viviana Plot Point: The brief mention of Viviana and Torey's interest in her ("She's pretty," "she’s got a nice figure") feels a little disconnected from the main thrust of the scene, which quickly pivots to Addo's background and then the racial conflict. While it provides a glimpse into Torey's typical teenage concerns, its abrupt introduction and abandonment might make it feel a bit like an unaddressed loose end if not revisited soon. However, it does highlight Torey's "normal" teenage life before he's confronted with the deeper issues.
Overall Impression
This is a very strong scene. It successfully establishes two distinct and likable main characters, explores significant themes of race and class, and introduces a compelling conflict that promises further development. The dialogue is authentic, and the pacing keeps the reader engaged. The stark contrast between Torey's worldview and Addo's, culminating in Miles's prejudiced remarks, leaves a lasting impression and sets the stage for a deeper exploration of these issues....sindbad


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10
10
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Tim Chiu

This poem, "Confidence & Futility: A Lethal Strategy," presents a stark and critical view of nationalistic and imperialistic ambitions, highlighting their destructive consequences. Let's break down its pros and cons, both as a piece of literature and in the ideas it conveys.
Pros of the Poem
* Powerful Imagery and Language: The poem uses strong, evocative language like "usurping environmental goal," "territorial imperialism," "megalithic proportions," and "heretical hegemony." These phrases paint a vivid picture of the scale and nature of the issues being described.
* Clear Thematic Focus: The central theme of the dangers of unchecked national power and the resulting global conflict is consistently and forcefully presented. The poem doesn't shy away from its message.
* Critique of Ideologies: It directly confronts various political and economic ideologies ("communist, socialist, and capitalist parameters," "Marxist and freedom and religious morals"), suggesting that all can be co-opted for destructive ends.
* Emphasis on Human Cost: The lines about "blistering innocent citizens and peace-seeking humans" effectively convey the tragic human toll of these conflicts, contrasting with the grand, abstract ambitions of nations.
* Timely and Relevant: The themes of territorial disputes, historical memory, and the threat of catastrophic conflict (including nuclear means) remain highly relevant in today's global landscape.
Cons of the Poem
* Dense and Abstract: The language, while powerful, can also be quite dense and abstract, making it challenging to fully grasp the nuances of every phrase on a first read. The long, sprawling sentences contribute to this.
* Lack of Specificity: While the broad strokes are clear, the poem doesn't offer specific examples or scenarios, which might make the critique feel less grounded or relatable for some readers. It describes a general state rather than a particular event.
* Slightly Repetitive in Message: The core message of destructive national ambition is reiterated throughout, which, while emphasizing the point, might feel a bit redundant in some sections.
* Pessimistic Tone: The poem maintains an unrelentingly pessimistic tone. While this is likely intentional to underscore the severity of the issues, it offers little in the way of hope or potential solutions, which might leave the reader feeling overwhelmed.
* Ambiguous "Storybook Ethic": The initial phrase "A storybook ethic" is a bit vague. It's unclear if this refers to an idealized, naive view of international relations or a narrative used to justify expansionism. More clarity here could strengthen the opening.
Analysis of the "Lethal Strategy"
The poem effectively articulates a "lethal strategy" born from a mix of confidence (in one's own nation's destiny and right to dominate) and ultimately futility (as this ambition leads to mutual destruction).
It dissects this strategy by highlighting:
* Usurpation of Land: The "settle indigenous people’s lands" points to historical and ongoing colonial practices.
* Forced Recall of History: The "knowing concentration of inhabitants / Who must recall their history" suggests a manipulation or reinterpretation of history to serve current territorial aims.
* Societal Tendencies to Erupt: The idea that societies inherently tend towards international conflict and a desire to be "the leader of the planet" paints a bleak picture of human nature and political systems.
* Military and Economic Dominance: The push for "military and economic engineering and pioneering / Of a regional and global, / Heretical hegemony" clearly outlines the means by which this dominance is sought.
* Exclusion of Charitable Outlook: The poem critiques the way this drive for power overrides any sense of international cooperation or charity, favoring "one type of nation over another."
* Parallel to Ideologies: By running "parallel to Marxist / And freedom and religious morals," the poem implies that even seemingly disparate ideologies can be twisted to justify violent ends.
* The Ultimate Consequence: The most chilling aspect is the reliance on "abominable, deathly agents / Who utilize suicide and nuclear means," leading to the destruction of "innocent citizens and peace-seeking humans." This underscores the ultimate futility of such a strategy, as it consumes even those it claims to protect.
In conclusion, "Confidence & Futility: A Lethal Strategy" is a powerful and unsettling commentary on the darker side of national ambition and ideological conflict. While its density might require careful reading, its impactful language and relevant themes make it a significant piece that forces reflection on the destructive paths humanity often treads...sindbad


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11
11
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi

Tim Chiu

This poem, "Fated Space: Hearts A-Glow In Perpetuity," explores themes of change, particularly within the professional sphere, and the enduring nature of human connection amidst that change.
Detailed Review
The poem opens with a contemplation of sentient purposes being "amorphous," suggesting a fluidity or lack of clear definition in human motivations and existence. This abstract idea quickly connects to a "scarcity based on a movement so monstrous," which could allude to the relentless, often disruptive, forces of societal or economic change. The speaker posits that true science and ethics offer a stable, "forever in verity" measure against this amorphousness and scarcity. This sets up a dichotomy between the chaotic, undefined aspects of life and the grounded principles of truth and morality.
The second stanza introduces the idea of planning as a counterpoint to the "monstrous" movement. "Apropos scarcity - a knowing, clean start" suggests that acknowledging limitations or changes (scarcity) can lead to deliberate, positive beginnings. The focus shifts to "focused decisions toward premised identities," implying that individuals or organizations can consciously shape their future despite external pressures. The line "Cognizant that these kind pools have no rarities" is a bit ambiguous; it might suggest that within supportive, collaborative environments ("kind pools"), true value and talent are not scarce, or that shared human experiences and qualities are universally present.
The third stanza brings the focus to the workplace and professional relationships. "Colleagues engaged in defined rationales" and "Hardworking folks earning checks, guys and gals!" paint a picture of dedicated individuals within structured environments. The phrase "Seeing one’s friends in these cool, joint alliances" emphasizes the positive social aspect of work, portraying workplaces as places of camaraderie and shared purpose. This stanza highlights the personal connections forged through "Endeavors of industry employing those sciences."
The fourth stanza introduces a sense of loss and transition. While celebrating "The greatest coworkers - superior traces," there's a regret that "the business world loses its stasis." This clearly points to the instability and constant change inherent in modern employment, with "layoffs, new places" being direct consequences. Despite these upheavals, the comforting refrain "Same old, fine people - continuing aces" asserts the resilience and enduring quality of human character and relationships, suggesting that even when circumstances change, the essence of good people remains.
The final stanza reflects on the aftermath of change and the enduring legacy of professionals. "The newness is awkward, an empty remembrance" poignantly captures the unsettling feeling of starting over or experiencing the void left by past structures. An "able, new company is now just a semblance" implies that new ventures, while perhaps functional, may lack the soul or established identity of what was lost. The poem concludes with a powerful "toast to those dedicated pros for eternity - Considered to be from the greatest modernity," celebrating the unwavering dedication and quality of individuals who navigate these turbulent times. It acknowledges their contribution not just to their immediate work but as a testament to the best of contemporary human endeavor.
Overall, "Fated Space: Hearts A-Glow In Perpetuity" is a thoughtful exploration of change, particularly in the context of work and career. It beautifully balances the often-disruptive nature of progress and economic shifts with the enduring value of human connection, integrity, and dedication. The poem's strength lies in its ability to evoke both a sense of melancholy for what is lost and an appreciation for the steadfast spirit of individuals who continue to shine ("Hearts A-Glow In Perpetuity") despite external circumstances.

sindbad


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12
12
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi

Tim Chiu

This poem, "A Beautiful Lighting - Rarest of Truths," is a devotional piece that expresses profound faith and gratitude towards a divine figure, clearly identified with Christian theology. Let's break down its key elements:
Themes and Imagery
The central theme is the transformative power of divine intervention and faith, particularly in overcoming adversity and sin. The poem uses several strong images to convey this:
* "The Glowing Lord’s majesty excels / In the darkest of moments": This establishes the Lord as a source of light and hope, especially when things are bleak.
* "His hammer is transformative, / Pinning the nail to the wood / With repeated whacks / Of the hardened tool’s sapient eyes": This is a powerful and somewhat unusual metaphor. The "hammer" suggests strength and decisive action, while the "sapient eyes" imbue the tool with wisdom or divine purpose. The act of "pinning the nail to the wood" could allude to the crucifixion or simply the act of firmly establishing something, perhaps faith or righteousness.
* "The premium claw inserted upon the surface / Lifts the metal object away / From the Devil’s calling": This imagery of a claw lifting something away from evil is a striking representation of salvation and deliverance.
* "The House of Jesus built / Upon the lenient and timeless forms / Of the Earth’s awesome gravity": This suggests a foundation of faith that is as fundamental and pervasive as gravity, yet also "lenient" or merciful.
* "The Tender Son and Lamb / Of exceptional heredity, quality, / And exquisite unity with / The Awesome Spirit’s Grace and Mercy": This clearly refers to Jesus Christ, emphasizing his divine nature, purity, and connection to the Holy Spirit.
* "His magical and magnificent invitation / To The Heavenly and Mighty Saint’s / Cherished abode…": This speaks to the promise of salvation and eternal life in heaven.
Language and Style
The language is elevated and reverential, fitting the spiritual subject matter. You use a good deal of personification ("sapient eyes" of the tool) and metaphor. The poem employs a somewhat formal and archaic tone at times, particularly with words like "sapient," "penitent," and "enjambed."
The use of enjambment (lines running into the next without punctuation, like "The Lord’s enjambed and acclaimed, / Jubilant authority…") creates a flowing rhythm and emphasizes the continuous nature of the divine.
Religious Context
The poem is deeply rooted in Christian theology. Key concepts include:
* The Lord's majesty and transformative power.
* The importance of prayer and penitence.
* The Bible as a source of truth and guidance.
* The Supreme Being/Almighty One and His incalculable forgiveness.
* The Cross and Jesus Christ (the "Tender Son and Lamb") as central to salvation.
* The Holy Spirit's Grace and Mercy.
* The promise of heaven.
Overall Impression
"A Beautiful Lighting - Rarest of Truths" is a heartfelt expression of faith and devotion. It effectively conveys a sense of awe and gratitude towards the divine, emphasizing themes of salvation, redemption, and the enduring power of God's love. The imagery is often vivid and thought-provoking, contributing to the poem's overall impact.
The consistent tone and thematic focus make it a cohesive and meaningful piece for those who share similar spiritual beliefs..sindbad


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13
13
Review of Precious  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Just Jae

Here's a review of your story snippet, focusing on various aspects:
Overall Impression
This is an engaging start to what feels like a classic fantasy adventure. The characters are quickly established, the mystery is intriguing, and the stakes feel immediate for the protagonists. The dialogue is generally sharp, and the pacing keeps the reader curious.
Strengths
* Intriguing Mystery: The "Precious" reveal, shifting from an object to a person (Aquila) and then back to an object (the ring), is well-handled. It keeps the reader guessing and adds layers to Geordo's character.
* Character Dynamics: Skrie and Malusk have a clear and appealing dynamic. Skrie is pragmatic, observant, and takes the lead in questioning, while Malusk is more reserved but supportive. Their "odd duo" description is effective.
* Pacing: The scene moves at a good clip. The initial exchange in the common room, the walk to the wagon, and the gradual revelations from Geordo are all well-timed.
* Show, Don't Tell (Mostly): You effectively show Geordo's distress and evasiveness through his actions (darting eyes, chewing nails, pacing, mumbling). Skrie's impatience (bouncing leg) is also a nice touch.
* Clear Goal: By the end, the objective is clear: find Aquila and the ring, and get paid.
* Hook: The mysterious vials add a nice touch of magic/intrigue and promise future complications.
Areas for Refinement
* Geordo's Consistency:
* "Precious" Confusion: While the reveal that "Precious" is Aquila and a ring is good, Geordo initially implies "Precious" is solely the item the bandits took. He says, "Those bandits took my Precious," and later "My Precious was gone!" referring to Aquila. This works, but then he immediately shifts back to just the "Precious" being gone without explicitly stating Aquila is also gone until Skrie prompts him. It could be made slightly clearer that both went missing concurrently.
* "We" Explanation: Geordo faltering at "We, who?" feels a bit forced. If Aquila is his niece and they're traveling together, it seems odd for him to act like mentioning her is a slip-up, unless there's a deeper secret about her presence. If he's trying to hide her, the previous "My Precious was gone!" referring to her makes less sense. Consider making his reluctance to mention Aquila more about her specific role or the circumstances of her disappearance, rather than just her existence.
* Minor Dialogue Quibbles:
* Malusk's "I had reached the limit of his ability to help the bloke" is a bit clunky. It could be rephrased for better flow, perhaps something like, "Malusk looked over at Skrie; he'd done all he could to calm the man."
* "I find er, old items at, er, beggar's stalls," Geordo's double "er" here feels slightly overdone. One would probably suffice to show his hesitation.
* Sensory Details: While the scene is functional, adding a few more sensory details could enrich it. What does the common room smell like? What does Geordo's wagon look like beyond just being a wagon? What's the weather like?
* "Tiny" Reference: Skrie's internal thought about Malusk being "almost as big as her friend, Tiny" is a fun detail, but it comes out of nowhere and isn't followed up on. If Tiny isn't going to be relevant, it might be a distraction. If they are, it's a good seed, but it feels a little out of place in Geordo's revelation.
* The Vials: The vials are a great plot device, but Geordo's line "I don't know what they do, but they might be helpful" feels a little too convenient and vague. If he's a "traveling merchant" who deals in "old items," it's slightly odd he wouldn't have some idea, even a guess, about what he's handing over. Perhaps he knows one thing about them, or just that they're magical, but not their specific effect. This could also be a subtle hint that Geordo isn't entirely truthful or is more desperate than he lets on.
Specific Line Edits/Suggestions (Optional)
* Original: "Breathe." Malusk looked over at Skrie; he had reached the limit of his ability to help the bloke.
* Suggestion: "Breathe," Malusk instructed, then looked helplessly at Skrie. He'd done all he could.
* Original: "I find er, old items at, er, beggar's stalls," he said, "Look, Illeyrl was fine when I first hired him and Grubak."
* Suggestion: "I find, er, old items at beggar's stalls," he said, rushing on. "Look, Illeyrl was fine when I first hired him and Grubak."
Conclusion
This is a very promising start. You've set up a clear conflict, introduced engaging characters, and created enough mystery to compel the reader forward. Addressing the minor inconsistencies in Geordo's character and perhaps adding a touch more sensory detail would elevate it further. Keep up the good work!

sindbad


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14
14
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
flyfishercacher

This excerpt, "Allerford Awakens," introduces a compelling narrative about a struggling industrial town and the glimmer of hope offered by a new revitalization project. Here's a detailed review:
Strengths of the Excerpt
* Clear Premise and Setting: The excerpt quickly establishes the core problem: Allerford is a "dying rust belt city" with its industries, like Flywheel Machining, in decline. The setting of a luncheon at the "Allerford Grand Hotel, the only hotel remaining in town, and not so grand anymore," immediately paints a picture of economic hardship.
* Relatable Protagonist: Lars Claussen is a sympathetic character. His internal conflict about selling his company, his concern for his employees, and his desperate search for a solution make him a grounded and relatable figure. His initial skepticism and eventual "I'm in" commitment feel earned.
* Introduction of Key Players: The excerpt effectively introduces several important characters with distinct roles:
* Conley Timmons (Mayor): The political leader spearheading the initiative.
* Dr. Griggs Pierson (Dean, Eastwood Institute): The academic lead, providing intellectual weight.
* Dr. Kumi Okoro (Professor, Eastwood Institute): The "imagination and energy" behind the proposal, and a highly impressive figure whose background and demeanor are well-described.
* Well-Paced Information Delivery: The narrative gradually reveals information about the "Allerford Awakens" project. The initial mystery surrounding the invitation, the contents of the information packet, and then Dr. Okoro's detailed presentation (Parts I, II, and III) unfold logically.
* Show, Don't Tell (Mostly): The decline of Flywheel Machining is shown through concrete numbers ($25 million revenue to $8 million, 70 employees to 13) rather than just stating it's struggling. Similarly, the initial reluctance of the audience is conveyed through the types of questions asked ("How can you guarantee...?", "What happens if...?").
* Building Suspense and Hope: The "last hope" for Allerford, the detailed plan, and Lars's internal struggle create a sense of urgency and cautious optimism. The ending, with Lars's commitment, provides a strong turning point.
* Sensory Details: Small details like the "sweet yellow onion petals" appetizer, the "Blackened Chicken Caesar Salad," and the "plinking of a spoon on a water glass" add to the atmosphere and make the scene more vivid.
* Symbolism of Flywheel Machining: The company's history, its logo (micrometer holding a gear, signifying "complex things with precision"), and Lars's emotional connection to it effectively symbolize the pride and struggles of the old industrial era.
Areas for Refinement
* Dialogue Could Be More Dynamic: While functional, some of the dialogue, especially during the presentations, is a bit formal and serves mainly to convey information. Injecting more distinct voices or naturalistic interruptions could make it more engaging. For example, the questions from the audience are generic.
* Minor Repetition: The idea that Allerford is "dying" or "sinking fast" is stated multiple times. While important for emphasis, a little more variety in phrasing could be beneficial.
* Occasional "Telling": While generally good at showing, there are a few instances where the narrative tells the reader something that could be implied or shown more subtly. For example, "Timmons did not know Claussen but had thoroughly mastered the art of quickly reading name tags, then acting as if they had been buddies for years." This is a direct statement that could potentially be demonstrated through Timmons's actions and Lars's reaction.
* The "Women Present" Detail: The line "The two reporters were the only women present" feels a bit like an abrupt observation without further development or context. If it's meant to highlight a male-dominated industry or gathering, it could be woven in more organically or explored slightly more. Otherwise, it comes across as a somewhat isolated observation.
* Lars's Internal Monologue on Risk: While his realization about his father and grandfather taking risks is good, the phrasing "They never talked about it, but I know from reading the company history that they laid it all on the line more than once" feels slightly clunky. Perhaps a more direct thought about their past sacrifices would be smoother.
* "Johnny Black, rocks": While this adds a bit of character to Lars's moment of reflection, it could be slightly more integrated into his thought process or lead to a deeper internal rumination. As is, it's a brief diversion.
Overall Impression
"Allerford Awakens" is a well-structured and promising start to a story about economic revitalization and personal commitment. The author effectively sets the scene, introduces compelling characters, and lays out a clear conflict and a potential solution. Lars Claussen's journey from despair to hope is at the heart of the narrative, making it a relatable and engaging read. The detailed plan presented by Dr. Okoro provides a concrete framework for the story's future development. With a few minor adjustments to dialogue and subtle narrative choices, this excerpt could be even stronger...sindbad


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15
15
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Detective

I have gone through your writing and did find this story fascinating and here is my detailed review, with best of my abilities.
The story, "The Ghosts of Vienna Gardens," delivers a compelling and atmospheric supernatural mystery.
The author skillfully builds suspense through sensory details, well-paced reveals, and believable character reactions, making for an engaging read.
Here's a breakdown of its strengths and areas for potential refinement:
Strengths
* Atmospheric and Immersive: The author excels at creating a palpable sense of unease. Descriptions like "the lights came on two by two, like marching ants," "shadows creeping around the objects," and "a chill slithered up the maintenance man’s spine" effectively draw the reader into Harvey's experience. The dust and dim lighting of the basement and twelfth floor are particularly well-rendered.
* Gradual Escalation of Supernatural Events: The story starts subtly with the misbehaving elevator and the curious Mrs. Pittman, then moves to the inexplicable billiard balls, and finally to the full-blown paranormal activity on the twelfth floor. This gradual unveiling of strange occurrences is highly effective in building suspense and making the supernatural elements feel more impactful.
* Strong Character Voice (Harvey): Harvey comes across as a grounded and relatable protagonist. His initial dismissal of the strange events as "overtired" or "mind playing tricks" is a realistic human reaction, making his eventual acceptance of the supernatural more impactful. His internal thoughts provide good insight into his growing fear and confusion.
* Effective Use of Dialogue (Rex): Rex serves as an excellent vehicle for delivering the complex's sordid history and local legends. His conversational tone and detailed anecdotes naturally weave in the backstory without feeling like an info-dump. The back-and-forth between Harvey and Rex feels authentic.
* Compelling Mystery: The central mystery surrounding the "ghosts" and their connection to the history of Vienna Gardens is intriguing. The hints of a connection between the actress's death, the party, and elevator six are well-placed.
* Pacing and Tension: The story maintains a good pace, especially once Harvey starts his investigation on the twelfth floor. The chase scene at the end is particularly tense and well-executed, leaving the reader on the edge of their seat.
* Sensory Details: The author effectively uses sensory details beyond just sight, incorporating sounds like "a billiard ball landing on the concert floor and rolling" and "raucous Hollywood parties," and even the feeling of "hair standing on end."
Areas for Potential Refinement
* Repetitive Phrases/Information: Some phrases or explanations are repeated, which can slightly slow the pacing. For example, the description of elevator six being "partially completed" and "left to the next manager" is reiterated. Similarly, the idea that "no one lived on the twelfth floor" is emphasized multiple times. A slight rephrasing or consolidation could make the narrative flow more smoothly.
* Minor Redundancies: In a few instances, information is presented that the reader has already deduced or been told. For example, stating that Harvey "shook himself and thought, get a hold of yourself" after experiencing the silence on the twelfth floor, while effective, could be slightly more succinct given his previous internal reactions to the basement events.
* Clarity in Action/Observation (Minor): While generally clear, there are tiny instances where a slightly more precise verb or description could enhance the visual. For instance, when Harvey first enters the basement and feels for the light switch, "The lights came on two by two, like marching ants" is a good image, but the exact mechanism of them turning on could be a hair clearer (e.g., if he flipped a single switch that activated them sequentially, or if there were multiple switches). This is a very minor point, however.
* "The maintenance man" and "The older man": While not inherently problematic, varying the descriptor used for Harvey and Rex (or using their names more frequently) could add a bit more fluidity to the prose in some sections, preventing slight repetition.
* Grammar/Typos: There are a few minor grammatical errors and typos (e.g., "The debated working" instead of "They debated working," "whose has experienced" instead of "who has experienced," "changing it" instead of "chasing it," "beams sown" instead of "beams down," "had a hand in updating the other elevators on duty that morning so Harvey and Rex pulled them in to help" could be rephrased to avoid a slightly clunky structure). A thorough proofread would polish these.
Overall Impression
"The Ghosts of Vienna Gardens" is a compelling and well-written supernatural story. The author demonstrates a strong grasp of creating atmosphere, developing engaging characters, and building suspense. The core mystery is fascinating, and the historical details provided by Rex are a major highlight, enriching the narrative significantly. With a few minor edits to reduce repetition and refine some phrasing, this story could be even stronger.
The ending leaves a satisfying sense of unresolved mystery and lingering dread, prompting the reader to consider the implications of what Harvey and Rex encountered. It successfully balances the thrill of the supernatural with the mundane realities of a maintenance man's job, making the otherworldly intrusions even more jarring...sindbad


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16
16
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Tom Chiu

This piece, "Noise-Supported—Knowing Ambitions," is a rich tapestry of abstract imagery and political commentary. It uses evocative language to explore themes of public opinion, leadership, and the often-fraught path toward collective goals.
Here's a breakdown of its strengths and possible interpretations:
Strengths
* Vivid Imagery and Metaphor: The poem is packed with striking metaphors. Phrases like "morose path / Toward indemnified rapture," "perilous circuit / Of vocal impudence," and "magical illusion of smoke and mirrors / Crystallizing in the optimal clarity" create a strong, almost dreamlike atmosphere.
* Abstract Yet Pointed Language: While abstract, the language often hints at specific societal or political dynamics. Terms like "party’s granular support," "constituency’s / Lathered squelching," and "plurality or majority / Of knowing, provident, / Witless actors" suggest a critique of political processes and public perception.
* Musicality and Rhythm: There's a subtle rhythm to the lines, especially with the enjambment, which pulls the reader through the verses. The alliteration ("vocal impudence...splays...loose designs") and assonance add to its auditory appeal.
* Exploration of Paradox: The poem frequently presents contrasting ideas, such as "indemnified rapture" (security and intense pleasure) and "witless actors and entrusted saints," highlighting the complexities and contradictions within human endeavors and collective movements.
Possible Interpretations
The poem seems to grapple with the tension between genuine aspiration and the chaotic, often manipulative, nature of public discourse and political maneuvering.
* The "Noise" of Public Opinion: The title itself, "Noise-Supported," suggests that collective ambition is often driven or distorted by the cacophony of public voices, rumors, and political rhetoric. "Nerves are constantly being frayed" underscores the stress and agitation inherent in this environment.
* The Struggle for "Indemnified Rapture": This could represent a collective desire for secure happiness or a promised utopia, which is pursued through a "morose path"—implying that the journey itself is difficult, perhaps even corrupting.
* Political Disillusionment: Lines like "An egalitarian rhetoric / For the patented demise / Of a party’s granular support" suggest that political language, despite sounding democratic ("egalitarian"), can be a pre-packaged means to dismantle genuine grassroots support.
* The Role of Leaders and Constituents: "Insiders struggle with their constituency’s / Lathered squelching" vividly portrays the frustration of leaders dealing with an agitated or unthinking populace. "Salient wisdom percolates" offers a glimmer of hope that genuine insight can emerge despite the turmoil.
* Martyrdom and Illusion: "The amplitude of martyrdom; / A magical illusion of smoke and mirrors" points to how sacrifice, or the idea of sacrifice, can be used as a powerful, yet ultimately deceptive, tool to gain support or justify actions.
* Financing and "Zany Experiments": The "Closing in on additional funds / For the zany, profligate experiment" could be a critique of large-scale, perhaps ill-conceived, projects or political campaigns that consume resources under the guise of public benefit.
* The Collective Delusion: The "miraculous victory" approved by "witless actors and entrusted saints" suggests a collective self-deception or a willingness to believe in narratives, regardless of their truth, especially when endorsed by those perceived as authoritative or saintly.
* The Stifling of Dissent/Progression: "The states precluding additional affirmations / By each solution-oriented side / Of the magnificent spectrum" might refer to rigid political systems or established powers that prevent genuine, diverse solutions from being considered.
Overall Impression
"Noise-Supported—Knowing Ambitions" is a thought-provoking and complex piece. It doesn't offer easy answers but instead invites the reader to ponder the intricate and often messy relationship between individual and collective ambition, public perception, and the nature of power. It has a compelling flow and leaves a lasting impression due to its unique blend of the abstract and the subtly critical.

sindbad


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17
17
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
Tom Chiu

This is a very interesting and unconventional poem! It seems to be a stream-of-consciousness piece, using vivid and sometimes jarring imagery to create a sense of intimacy, desire, and domesticity.
Here's a review breaking down some of its elements:
Review of "An Easter Egg Splatter"
This poem, "An Easter Egg Splatter," is a fascinating and somewhat enigmatic journey through a landscape of evolving relationships, carnal desire, and everyday comforts. It eschews traditional narrative structure in favor of a series of evocative, often surreal, images that collectively paint a picture of burgeoning intimacy and contentment.
Imagery and Tone
The poem's strength lies in its bold and sometimes confrontational imagery. It opens with striking, almost disorienting lines like "An Easter egg splatter - the sigh-er is thinking - / A woman he knows is veritably shrinking." This immediate plunge into the unusual sets a tone that is both playful and intensely personal. The initial stanzas hint at a raw, almost predatory desire ("his strut’s fervent winking - / Knowledge so carnal, her cavity blinking"), juxtaposed later with more tender and domestic scenes.
The shift in tone is notable. From the initial intense, almost aggressive desire, the poem transitions to moments of shared comfort: "A comfy, old loveseat, sipping some rum…" and "They’re happy together, his gal’s rhythmic drum." This progression suggests a journey from initial attraction to a more settled and joyful relationship.
Word Choice and Structure
The word choices are deliberate and impactful, often using unexpected juxtapositions to create a unique effect. Phrases like "scrumptious drawstring," "cavalry's horses - the clothes off their backs," and "his loins duly mincing" are memorable and contribute to the poem's distinct voice. The use of internal rhyme and a consistent, albeit loose, AABB rhyme scheme gives the poem a musicality, even with its often unconventional subject matter.
The poem's structure, while not adhering to a conventional plot, uses each stanza as a vignette, contributing to a larger, evolving emotional landscape. The repeated "ing" endings in many lines create a continuous, flowing sensation, mimicking the ongoing nature of thoughts and experiences.
Themes
Several themes emerge from the poem's rich tapestry of images:
* Desire and Intimacy: This is a dominant theme, explored through both explicit and subtle imagery. The poem doesn't shy away from the physical aspects of attraction.
* Transformation and Growth: The "shrinking" woman, the "teddy / Barely in triumph," and the journey of the couple suggest a process of change and adaptation within the relationship.
* Domestic Bliss: Later stanzas, with images of "housewarming party," "tables with snacks," "loveseat," and "iced tea," evoke a sense of comfortable, shared life.
* Sensory Experience: The poem is highly sensory, appealing to sight, touch, taste ("smooth marmalade," "iced tea"), and even sound ("gal’s rhythmic drum," "honkers evincing").
Overall Impression
"An Easter Egg Splatter" is a bold, experimental piece that invites multiple interpretations. It’s a poem that demands engagement from the reader, allowing them to connect the dots between its disparate images. While some imagery might be considered jarring or even unsettling by some, it is precisely this unfiltered quality that gives the poem its unique power and makes it a memorable read. It's a raw, honest, and ultimately celebratory exploration of human connection in all its messy, magnificent forms.
I think the title you gave needs to change...lol

sindbad


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18
18
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
Tim Chiu

This poem, "A Sweetheart’s Love: A Pair of Wings," is a passionate and vivid exploration of love, intimacy, and profound connection. Here's a review of its key aspects:
Overall Impression
The poem is a bold and uninhibited celebration of romantic and sexual love. It moves from ethereal, almost spiritual devotion to intensely physical descriptions, suggesting a love that encompasses both the sublime and the earthly. The imagery is strong, and the progression of the poem effectively builds from anticipation to fulfillment and lasting joy.
Strengths
* Evocative Imagery: The poem is rich with striking images, blending the celestial with the intimate. Phrases like "angelic, swift sword," "pyramid show," and "each constellation’s bough" create a sense of grandeur and timelessness.
* Sensory Detail: The third and fourth stanzas, in particular, are powerful in their use of sensory details, creating a palpable sense of passion and physical connection. "Wet kissing, sweet groans, my banging arose her" is a direct and impactful line.
* Emotional Arc: The poem effectively conveys a journey from admiration and longing to intense physical union and ultimately, a deep and enduring partnership. The transition from abstract concepts of love to concrete, physical manifestations is well-handled.
* Unique Blend of Themes: It successfully weaves together themes of devotion, triumph, ancient wisdom, nature, and explicit sensuality, creating a multifaceted portrayal of love.
* Metaphorical Depth: The recurring motif of "wings" in the title and later in the poem suggests freedom, elevation, and the ability to soar together, adding a beautiful layer to the celebration of partnership. The idea of "parts glow in cement" is also an interesting metaphor for the solidification and strength of their bond through shared intimacy.
Areas for Consideration
* Clarity in Early Stanzas: Some phrases in the first two stanzas, like "My stones sanely wafting" or "My love’s ancient levels, a pyramid show," are quite abstract and could benefit from slightly more grounding to fully connect with the reader on a first pass. While poetic, their exact meaning might be elusive for some.
* Word Choice and Rhyme Scheme: While the AABB rhyme scheme is consistent, a few rhymes feel slightly forced or less impactful, such as "chord" and "reward" feeling a bit conventional, or "compare" and "there" in the final stanza. However, this is subjective and doesn't detract significantly from the poem's overall power.
* Pacing in the Middle: The shift from the more metaphorical language of the first two stanzas to the explicit sensuality in the third is quite sudden. While this shock can be effective, a slightly smoother transition might allow the reader to adjust to the change in tone more gradually.
Conclusion
"A Sweetheart’s Love: A Pair of Wings" is a compelling and daring poem that unashamedly celebrates the multifaceted nature of love, from its spiritual heights to its most intimate physical expressions. It's a testament to a powerful, all-encompassing bond that is both ancient and ever-new. The raw honesty and vibrant imagery make it a memorable read...sindbad


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19
19
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi

flyfishercacher

Here's a review of "Scene 15 Rev B" focusing on its strengths and areas for potential improvement:
Overall Impression
This scene effectively captures a pivotal moment for Torey, highlighting his introduction to a new world of sports and the stark contrast between his family's circumstances and Addo's. The dialogue feels largely natural, and the dynamic between the two friends is well-established. The scene builds to a strong ending with the arrival at Torey's stop.
Strengths
* Character Development (Torey): We see Torey's initial excitement, then his growing concern and bewilderment as he learns more about the requirements and culture of soccer. His realization about "a big hole in his life" is powerful and relatable. His internal monologue at the end solidifies his character and sets up future conflict/growth.
* Character Development (Addo): Addo comes across as a supportive, knowledgeable, and genuinely kind friend. His patience with Torey's ignorance and his subtle attempts to ease Torey's embarrassment are commendable. His brief mention of his dad's background adds depth to his character.
* Natural Dialogue: Much of the conversation flows authentically, especially the back-and-forth about the cleats, Coach Dreyer, and the soccer ball. The casual tone and use of phrases like "Naa" and "Sure" contribute to realism.
* Pacing: The scene's pacing feels appropriate for a bus ride, allowing for a good amount of conversation and reflection.
* Emotional Arc: The scene moves from initial elation (getting the shoes) to growing concern and slight embarrassment (learning about soccer culture/cost), to a moment of deep sadness/realization for Torey, and finally to a lingering sense of apprehension at the end.
* Thematic Introduction: The scene subtly introduces themes of socioeconomic disparity, parental influence, and self-discovery.
* Strong Ending: The "Uh Oh. That's not good" line is a fantastic hook, creating immediate intrigue and foreshadowing conflict. Torey's internal thoughts just before this also add significant depth.
Areas for Potential Improvement
* Show, Don't Tell (Torey's Ignorance): While it's clear Torey is new to sports, some of his questions are a little too basic ("Do other sports do the same thing?"). This can sometimes make him seem a bit naive, even for someone who hasn't been exposed to organized sports. Consider ways to convey his lack of experience more subtly, perhaps through his reactions or observations rather than direct questions about fundamental concepts.
* Pacing of the Financial Revelation: The shift to talking about money feels a little abrupt. While it's important for the plot, the transition from "Do you have all your own soccer gear?" to "Doesn't your Mom or Dad give you any money?" could be smoothed out slightly.
* Addo's Reaction to Torey's Money Situation: Addo's response of "I don't understand. How can your Mom not have any money?" and "Oh?" feels a little too passive given the severity of Torey's revelation about his father controlling all the money. While it's good that Addo senses it's "none of his business," his initial perplexity could be shown with slightly more concern or a clearer internal reaction. He recovers well later by offering to delay repayment.
* Torey's Internal Monologue - Racial Element: Torey's thought, "Why does he have to live in Drullins because he is black?" feels a little out of place in terms of his character's current focus and knowledge. While it's a valid observation, it's a very direct and somewhat heavy statement to drop in his internal monologue without more prior context within the story about racial segregation or specific experiences Torey has had with it. If this is a theme, it needs more groundwork laid before this explicit thought. If not, it might be better to imply socioeconomic differences without directly linking them to race in Torey's mind at this stage, unless he has a clear reason to make that connection.
* Minor Dialogue Refinements:
* "Torey surveyed the other bus passengers, oblivious to disapproving looks from a few. Addo noticed but said nothing." This is an interesting detail, but the "disapproving looks" are never explained or revisited. If it's not going to be relevant, it could be removed to streamline. If it is relevant, perhaps a subtle hint as to why they are disapproving would strengthen it.
* "What?" exclaimed Torey, surprised at this new requirement." - This reaction to needing a ball is good, but his later "Now I have to buy a ball?" feels slightly repetitive given the immediate prior surprise.
Suggestions for Revision (Optional)
* Refining Torey's Ignorance: Instead of directly asking if other sports have feeder teams, Torey could observe something related to another sport and wonder if it's the "same kind of deal" as the soccer feeder team. This would show his learning and curiosity without making him seem completely clueless.
* Transition to Money Talk: Perhaps a moment where Torey mentally calculates the cost of the shoes and the bus fare, leading him to think about his own finances, could naturally segue into the discussion about money.
* Deepening Addo's Reaction: When Torey reveals his dad controls the money, Addo could show a bit more nuanced concern – perhaps a slight furrow of the brow, or a quiet, thoughtful "That sounds tough," before changing the subject or redirecting.
* Revisiting the Racial Element: If the intent is to explore race and geography, consider setting up this thought more explicitly earlier in the story, or rephrasing Torey's internal thought to be more about the differences in their lives and the socioeconomic realities, rather than a direct assumption about race dictating where Addo lives. For instance, "I like Addo. He’s a nice kid. His parents are sure different than mine. Playing sports and going to college never comes up at our house. I wonder why he lives in Drullins and I'm here." This keeps the focus on Torey's perspective of his own limited world.
Conclusion
This is a well-written scene that effectively moves the plot forward and deepens our understanding of Torey and Addo's friendship and their differing backgrounds. The emotional beats land well, and the ending is strong. Addressing the minor points about Torey's direct questions and the racial comment could elevate the scene even further....sindbad


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20
20
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Kathie Stehr

This is a chilling and atmospheric horror story! You've done a fantastic job of building suspense and creating a pervasive sense of dread. Here's a review highlighting its strengths and offering a few suggestions:
Review: "Tragedy Strikes at the Huntley Mansion"
Your story, "Tragedy Strikes at the Huntley Mansion," is a masterclass in slow-burn horror, expertly lulling the reader into a false sense of security before unleashing a truly terrifying ordeal. The descriptive language is a real highlight, immersing the reader in both the picturesque autumnal setting and the escalating terror within the mansion.
Strengths:
* Atmosphere and Setting: You excel at setting the scene. The initial descriptions of the quaint town, the charming country roads, and even the eccentric gas station create a vivid, almost idyllic backdrop. This stark contrast makes the gradual shift into unease and outright horror all the more impactful. The sensory details – the scent of burning leaves, the calliope music, the "greenish-gray liquid" in jars – are fantastic.
* Creeping Dread: The story's pacing is excellent. You introduce subtle hints of strangeness early on, like the unsettling carnival appearing out of nowhere and the lady at the gas station's "feral look" and "yellow eyes." These small moments accumulate, building a palpable sense of creeping dread that culminates in the characters being trapped.
* Character Relatability: Callie and Cole feel like a real couple. Their playful banter, Cole's pragmatic worries contrasted with Callie's whimsical dreams, and their genuine affection for each other make their eventual terror and separation deeply affecting. Callie's artistic eye and Cole's protective nature are well-established, making their reactions believable.
* Effective Use of Foreshadowing: The phrase "Cole knows one day their luck will run out and cops will arrest them for trespassing..." subtly foreshadows the danger they eventually face, though the reality is far more sinister than mere arrest. The description of the house's "fragile weathered door" that then won't budge is also a great touch.
* Terrifying Climax: The trapped sequence is genuinely frightening. The failed attempts to escape, the dead cell phones, and the increasingly disturbing sounds and sensations within the house ("breathing," "thundering heartbeat," feeling like she's "inside a body") are truly unsettling. Cole's sudden disappearance is a shocking and impactful moment that leaves the reader reeling with Callie.
* Ambiguity and Supernatural Elements: You wisely leave the exact nature of the threat ambiguous, which enhances the horror. Is the house alive? Possessed? A dimensional trap? The uncertainty makes it more terrifying than a clearly defined monster. The glass coffin with the woman and roses is a brilliantly macabre detail that adds to the supernatural mystery.
Suggestions for Enhancement:
* Punctuation and Flow: There are a few instances where punctuation (commas, especially) could be adjusted for smoother reading and clearer sentence structure. For example, some longer sentences might benefit from being broken up or having additional commas for natural pauses.
* Show, Don't Tell (Minor Instances): While generally good, a few phrases like "A sense of panic is beginning to overtake Callie" could be strengthened by showing her physical reactions more directly instead of stating the emotion. You do this very well later with "dampness collects under her arms and on her neck" and "tears slipping down her cheeks," so expanding on that earlier would be even stronger.
* The Carnivore Scene: The carnival sequence is unsettling, but its direct relevance to the mansion's malevolence isn't fully clear. While it effectively demonstrates the strange, isolated nature of the area, a subtle connection or payoff (even if indirect) could further tie it into the overall narrative of the house.
* The Quote: The quote at the end is thought-provoking, but its connection to Callie's specific fate could be made slightly more explicit within the narrative or through a concluding thought. While it resonates with the story's grim ending, ensuring it feels fully integrated could enhance its impact.
Overall:
"Tragedy Strikes at the Huntley Mansion" is a compelling and deeply unsettling horror story. You create a powerful sense of isolation and dread, making the reader feel trapped alongside Callie. The ending is particularly brutal and effective, leaving a lasting impression. This piece has strong potential and demonstrates your skill in crafting atmospheric and suspenseful narratives.
What do you think was the most terrifying moment for Callie?

Indeed suspenseful..sindbad


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21
21
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
Daisan

This is a compelling and well-written piece. You've done an excellent job of creating a vivid setting and distinct characters in a short space.
Narrative Flow and Regional Dialect Critique
Overall, the narrative flows exceptionally well, and the regional dialect is easily understood while adding significant character and authenticity.
Let's break it down:
Narrative Flow
The story moves with a natural, unhurried pace that suits the setting and the characters.
* Pacing: The opening sets a deliberate pace, with Cole's actions and his waiting for customers. This calm immediately contrasts with the arrival of the "hard men," ratcheting up the tension subtly.
* Smooth Transitions: The shifts between Cole's perspective and the men from Macon's discussion at the diner are seamless. The break with the three asterisks (***) is clear and effective for a scene change.
* Rising Tension: The tension builds organically through Cole's internal thoughts ("killers all," "his right hand itched to feel the hard metal"), his guarded responses to the men, and then, crucially, through the conversation at the diner where their intentions become clearer.
* Character Interplay: The dialogue drives the narrative forward. Cole's exchanges with the men from Macon, and later with Emerson, reveal character, provide information, and advance the plot. Similarly, the diner conversation among Talley, Walton, Goggins, and Martin highlights their differing personalities and methods.
* Foreshadowing/Setup: Cole's shiv and his past experiences are introduced early, making his later actions and concerns more impactful. The mention of Darcy's Diner and then the men going there, followed by Martin's conversation with the cook, creates a satisfying narrative loop.
Regional Dialect
The regional dialect is one of the strongest elements of this piece, providing rich characterization and a strong sense of place without hindering comprehension.
* Authenticity: The dialogue, particularly Cole's and Emerson's, feels incredibly authentic to a specific time and place (likely the American South in a historical context, given the mention of "colored" facilities and "colored side of town").
* Readability: You've struck an excellent balance. The phonetic spellings ("Mornin' suh," "er'body," "I'on't," "crackas," "Fo'," "Sho'") are consistent and clear. They enhance the voice without requiring the reader to re-read or struggle to understand. This is crucial for maintaining flow.
* Character Distinction: The dialect immediately distinguishes Cole and Emerson from the more formal (though still regional in subtle ways) speech of the men from Macon. This helps solidify their identities for the reader.
* Subtle Touches: Small phrases like "Can't say from first-hand 'sperience, suh. They don't serve colored but, er'body we send down there come back satisfied. Leastways, that's what they say," convey so much about the social dynamics of the era through Cole's careful, almost deferential, yet subtly informative language.
* Slang/Idiom Use: "Jammed up," "clip one of his group," and "lay the right people down" fit well within the criminal underworld context and contribute to the atmosphere.
Minor Considerations (More praise than critique):
* You could perhaps, if you wanted to lean into it just a hair more, occasionally show a slight southern cadence in the Macon men's dialogue, but their current speech perfectly highlights their professional, more reserved (or calculating) nature in contrast to Cole's more open, local speech. What you have is effective as is.
Overall Impressions
This is a gripping excerpt. Cole is a fantastic character – his quiet observation, his internal fear, and his deep-seated instinct for survival are palpable. The reveal of his past as a "guest of the state of Georgia" and his "shiv" makes him immediately complex and adds gravitas to his assessment of the "hard men." The dynamic between the Macon men is also well-drawn, particularly Talley's strategic thinking vs. Goggins' brute force.
The scene with Emerson is particularly strong. It provides a brief respite from the tension, allows Cole to act on his instincts to warn the Harris family (revealing a deeper code of honor and debt), and reinforces the strong sense of community that exists in contrast to the outsiders. The ending, with Cole seeking solitude and a smoke, is a fitting, understated conclusion that leaves the reader wanting to know what happens next.
Great work! Do you have a specific aspect you'd like to refine or discuss further?
Please do keep me posted...sindbad


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22
22
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
flyfishercacher

Here's a review of your scene, focusing on its effectiveness and areas for potential refinement:
Scene 07 Review: "Introduction to General Science"
This scene effectively introduces key characters and sets up relationships and conflicts for the story. The dialogue is natural, and the classroom setting feels authentic.
What Works Well
* Character Introduction: You smoothly introduce Torey, Addo, Viviana, and Dr. Henderson, giving them distinct initial impressions. Torey's immediate attraction to Viviana is clear and sets up their "soon to be girlfriend" dynamic.
* Realistic Classroom Setting: The description of the room, the equipment, and Henderson's demeanor creates a believable and immersive environment. The detail about the "cheap stuff" in cabinets versus the "expensive equipment" in locked ones is a nice touch.
* Natural Dialogue: The conversations, especially between Torey and Addo, feel very authentic to teenage boys. Henderson's initial monologue about being the "whole science department" provides a bit of humor and character.
* Clear Plot Points: The two "items of business" – the composition and the lab teams – provide clear drivers for the immediate scene and future interactions.
* Pacing: The scene moves at a good pace, balancing description with action and dialogue.
* Foreshadowing/Setup: Addo's comment about girls not being good at science and Viviana's initial complaint about her topic ("Why do we have to write a stupid paper anyway?") are great setups for character development and potential conflicts or growth arcs.
Areas for Refinement
* Show, Don't Tell (Torey's Impression of Viviana): While "Striking to Torey — full figured with a dark complexion. Well dressed, her long wavy black hair fell to her shoulders" gives a good visual, consider more of Torey's internal reaction or a subtle physical manifestation of his interest beyond just his gaze freezing. Perhaps a slight intake of breath, or a feeling in his stomach.
* Example to consider: Instead of "Suddenly his gaze froze. At the front table’s far end sat a girl who caught his eye," you could try something like, "His gaze swept the room, then snagged on a girl at the front table’s far end. She was striking – full-figured with a dark complexion, her long, wavy black hair falling to her shoulders. He felt a jolt, a sudden awareness that made the rest of the room fade."
* "Soon to be girlfriend": This is explicitly stated in the character list, but ensure the narrative shows this progression. The scene sets up the initial interest well, but be mindful of the "soon to be" aspect in subsequent scenes.
* Addo's Realization: Addo's "Okay, I get it," while concise, could benefit from a tiny bit more specificity if you want to emphasize his understanding. "Okay, I get it," Addo said, a wide grin spreading across his face as he looked from Torey to the now-empty doorway Viviana had exited. "Viviana. Right." This is a minor point, but it could subtly enhance the moment.
* Viviana's Reaction to Topic: Her line, "I don’t know anything about that. Why do we have to write a stupid paper anyway?" is good, but you could consider if it's too immediate or if there's a slightly more nuanced way to show her apprehension without making her sound entirely dismissive of learning. It works as is, but it's something to consider for character depth if her future arc involves overcoming this initial resistance.
Overall Impression
The scene is well-crafted and serves its purpose effectively. You've established the setting, introduced the main characters, and laid the groundwork for future interactions. The dialogue is a strong point, making the characters feel real and relatable. The slight tweaks suggested are minor and intended only to elevate an already solid piece of writing.
Keep up the great work! Do you have any specific aspects of the scene you'd like to discuss further?

sindbad


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23
23
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
PastorJuan

This is a powerful and deeply personal testimony. Here's a review, breaking down its strengths and offering a few minor suggestions for refinement:
Review of "If You Can Change Me, You Can Have Me"
This testimony is a compelling and authentic account of a transformative spiritual journey. It's rich with personal detail, vulnerability, and a strong narrative arc that draws the reader in.
Strengths:
* Vulnerability and Honesty: The opening immediately establishes the author's brokenness, addiction, and despair ("I had come to believe that it would be better for everyone around me if I just died."). This raw honesty is incredibly powerful and relatable, even for readers who haven't shared similar experiences. It sets the stage for a dramatic transformation.
* Clear Turning Point: The moment David Wilkerson's statement, "Give God a chance to prove to you that He can do what He says He can do," breaks through the "droning rumble" is a masterful narrative device. It's a clear, pivotal moment where the author's internal monologue shifts.
* The Unconventional Prayer: The prayer itself – "I don’t know if You exist or not, but if you can change me, you can have me. But, if you can’t change me, then don’t mess with me" – is incredibly unique and memorable. It captures the author's desperation, skepticism, and ultimate willingness to surrender, but on his own terms initially. This makes the subsequent transformation even more impactful.
* Relatable Early Church Experience: The apprehension about the singing, dancing, and "noises with their mouths" is very relatable for anyone new to a vibrant church environment. It adds a touch of humor and authenticity to the initial awkwardness.
* Passion for Study: The shift from a reluctant churchgoer to an avid, almost obsessive, Bible student is beautifully conveyed. The details about pre-Google research methods (Strong's, Vine's, Naves, manually sorting verses) truly highlight the depth of the author's commitment and passion for understanding God's Word. This resonates with anyone who has delved deeply into a subject.
* Gradual Transformation: The testimony wisely emphasizes that change wasn't instantaneous but a process of learning, applying, and then seeing the results. "It was what I learned as I studied that changed me. It changed me as I applied those lessons in my personal life." This is a crucial and realistic aspect of spiritual growth.
* Strong Conclusion: The concluding sentence, linking the initial prayer to the ongoing journey of salvation and the purpose of hiding God's Word in the heart, ties everything together effectively.
Minor Suggestions for Refinement:
* Pacing in the Middle: While the detailed description of Bible study methods is a strength, it might feel a touch long for some readers. You could consider slightly condensing or varying the sentence structure in that section to maintain momentum. For instance, rather than listing out every step of the meticulous study process, you could summarize the intensity of the study more concisely.
* Repetition of "I worried to myself" / "I argued within me": While effective once or twice, these phrases appear a few times. You could vary the phrasing slightly, e.g., "I wondered anxiously," "My mind raced," "An internal debate raged."
* Flow of "But God is merciful, and Bible software came on to the scene.": This sentence feels a little abrupt in its transition. Perhaps "Fortunately, God is merciful, and..." or "Then, mercifully, Bible software..." to smooth the flow.
* A "Hook" or "Why this matters": While the opening is strong, a very brief, perhaps one-sentence, introduction before "In 1984..." could set the stage even more powerfully, framing the entire testimony. Something like: "This is the story of how I went from utter despair and addiction to finding a new life, all because of a desperate prayer and a commitment to understanding." This is optional, as the current opening is also very direct.
* Grammar/Punctuation Polish: There are a few minor grammatical points (e.g., "I did not know enough to consider that I could look around and search for another place to go" could be "I didn't know enough to consider looking around for another place to go"). A thorough proofread would catch these small improvements. For example:
* "I mostly spoke English" -> "I primarily spoke English" or "English was my main language."
* "a 45 to a one-hour sermon" -> "a 45-minute to one-hour sermon"
* "what he has said" -> "what he had said"
* "one versus a time" -> "one verse at a time"
* "God in book form" -> "God in written form" or "God in a book."
* "I got save along the way" -> "I got saved along the way"
Overall:
This is a powerful, inspiring, and well-structured testimony. It effectively conveys the profound spiritual journey from despair to salvation, emphasizing the crucial role of dedicated study and the application of God's Word. The author's voice is clear and authentic, making the experience deeply personal and resonant. With a few minor polishes, it will shine even brighter...sindbad


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24
24
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
iKïyå§ama-Yay-Nurses!

This epistolary story, told through diary entries to "Arnie," is a powerful and deeply affecting narrative of a tumultuous relationship marked by love, abuse, and ultimately, loss.

Overall Observation

The story masterfully uses the diary entry format to reveal the protagonist's emotional journey and the escalating dysfunction of their relationship with Lisa. The fragmented nature of the entries, with their gaps in time and abrupt endings, perfectly mirrors the chaotic and unpredictable reality of the protagonist's life. This creates a sense of immediacy and raw honesty, drawing the reader directly into their internal world.

Strengths

* Authentic Voice:

The protagonist's voice feels incredibly real and vulnerable. The use of casual language, direct address to "Arnie," and raw expressions of pain and confusion make them highly relatable and elicit strong empathy.

* Pacing and Revelation:

The story excels in its pacing. Information about the abuse is hinted at subtly at first ("cut on my forehead," "She’s like a drug"), then gradually revealed in increasing detail ("bruises," "shove here, a slap there"). This slow burn of revelation is incredibly effective, creating a sense of growing dread and disbelief.

* Emotional Depth:

The complex emotions of the protagonist are portrayed with nuance. Their love for Lisa, even amidst the abuse, is palpable, making the "How do I quit someone like that?" line particularly poignant.
The internal conflict between their love and the harm they endure is heartbreaking.

* Subtle Foreshadowing:

The mention of Lisa's "little white pills" and the protagonist's growing unease subtly foreshadow the tragic turn of events, adding a layer of tragic irony to the earlier struggles.

* Impactful Ending:

The ending is incredibly powerful. The eulogy, where the protagonist chooses to remember the good despite the immense pain, is a testament to the enduring, complex nature of love and grief. The final lines, "Now the apartment feels colder. The silence is louder. But maybe… maybe I can get used to it. Maybe I can start again. Someday," offer a glimmer of hope amidst profound loss, leaving a lasting impression.

* Addressing Taboo Subjects:

The story bravely tackles the often-overlooked issue of domestic abuse within same-sex relationships, and particularly where the male partner is the victim, which is rarely portrayed in media. This adds a crucial layer of social relevance and impact.
Areas for Consideration (Minor)

* "Same Sex" Apology:

The line "I apologized—for being the same sex—dripping with sarcasm" feels a little on-the-nose in its delivery of the sarcastic apology. While the intent is clear, it slightly breaks the immersive flow of the protagonist's raw internal monologue. Perhaps a slightly more indirect expression of that sarcasm could have maintained the gritty realism.

* Boss's Assumption:

The boss assuming it's a "boyfriend" adds to the irony, but it could be argued that the narrative already established enough about the protagonist's identity and the nature of the relationship for the reader to grasp the irony without explicit mention of the boss's assumption. However, this is a minor point and doesn't detract significantly from the story's overall impact.

Conclusion

This is a profoundly moving and well-crafted piece. The epistolary format is utilized to its full potential, allowing for an intimate and unflinching exploration of a challenging relationship. The character development, emotional honesty, and impactful revelations make it a truly memorable read. It's a testament to the quiet strength of the human spirit in the face of adversity and the enduring complexities of love and loss.


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25
25
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi

flyfishercacher

My Review for, "Breakfast with Nessie"
This scene effectively highlights the strained family dynamics and introduces a new layer of complexity with Brodey's unexpected generosity. Here's a breakdown of its strengths and areas for potential refinement:
Strengths:
* Strong Character Contrast: The scene immediately establishes the stark differences between Nessie and Brodey, particularly in their reactions to the previous night's conflict. Nessie's quiet turmoil and Brodey's calculated avoidance are clear.
* Realistic Dialogue: The conversation between Nessie and Torey feels authentic for a mother and teenage son. Torey's frustration and Nessie's attempts to protect him while also trying to explain Brodey's behavior ring true.
* Sensory Details: The descriptions of the kitchen – the yellow color scheme, the smell of bacon, the sounds of morning – effectively immerse the reader in the setting.
* Subtle Clues and Mystery: The extra twenty-dollar bill is a great touch, adding intrigue and prompting the reader to wonder about Brodey's motives. Nessie's internal debate about it is well-articulated.
* Emotional Depth: Nessie's tearful eyes and Torey's blunt questions about his father's anger convey the emotional weight of their family situation.
* Forward Momentum: Torey's plan to get a job and go shoe shopping provides clear direction for future scenes and gives him agency.
* Show, Don't Tell: Instead of saying Nessie was "proper," the script describes her disheveled hair as "unusual for her," which is a good example of showing rather than telling.
Areas for Potential Refinement:
* Minor Repetition:
* "Coffee's cold" at the very beginning and then "Nessie sipped her cold coffee" could be slightly condensed or varied. Perhaps just one mention of the cold coffee would suffice, or imply it by her actions.
* The detail about the kitchen's yellow decor is repeated slightly when Torey enters. While it reinforces his comfort, a slight rephrasing or less emphasis on the second mention might be smoother.
* Clarity on "Game Face": "put on her game face. That wasn't going to work this morning." This is effective, but perhaps a slight expansion on why it wouldn't work (beyond just her eyes) could deepen the moment. What specific resolve was she trying to muster that failed?
* Mrs. Bernardo: The mention of Mrs. Bernardo at the beginning feels a little disconnected. While it sets a peaceful morning scene, she doesn't re-appear or play any role. If she's not significant, perhaps a brief mention of a neighbor, or simply focusing on Nessie's internal world, would be more streamlined. If she is significant later, then this intro is good.
* Torey's "Highly Polished Black Church Shoes": This is a key visual, but the description "protruding from under the legs of Torey's jeans" could be slightly more active or visually dynamic. Perhaps Torey is already wearing them, or he makes a point of showing them.
* Nessie's Internal Monologue - "He's right, she thought...": This thought is a good internal beat for Nessie, but it comes after a line where Torey says "I can't do it, Mom!" which implies he's talking about school being hard with the family fighting. Nessie's thought here might be slightly more impactful if it directly follows Torey's statement about needing a job, affirming her agreement with his plan.
* The "Stash" Detail: Torey's line, "It must have taken years to stash twenty bucks – nickels and dimes at a time. I shouldn’t take that money… but I need shoes!" is a strong internal thought, but it's presented as dialogue from Torey. While it shows his perception of his mother's sacrifice, consider if this could be an internal thought for Torey, perhaps implied through his pause or a look, rather than explicitly stated. It might amplify the pathos.
* "Love you too." Nessie's "Love you too" might benefit from a slight descriptor to show her continued emotion after Torey leaves, perhaps "she said, her voice still thick with emotion" or something similar, connecting back to her earlier crying.
Overall Impression:
This is a solid scene that effectively moves the plot forward while deepening our understanding of the characters and their struggles. The tension between poverty, pride, and paternal fear is palpable. The introduction of the extra twenty dollars adds a compelling new element that promises further character development. The core emotional beats are strong, and the dialogue is largely natural. Just a few minor tweaks could elevate it further.


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