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Review of Bad News  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Weschester Jones

This is a detailed review of the short piece, "Bad News."
Overall Impression
"Bad News" is a tightly focused, effective piece of flash fiction that uses a high-stakes business crisis to reveal a personal one. The story is concise, relying on dialogue and internal monologue to quickly establish the core conflict: Charley's financial and legal downfall, and Margaret's decisive break from their secret, unprofessional relationship. The ending, "It was time to balance the books," is a masterful metaphor that brings both narrative threads together.
Strengths of the Story
1. Economy and Pacing
The story is remarkably brief but accomplishes a full arc: introduction of external conflict (Charley's plea), disruption (Margaret's entry), resolution of the relationship (Margaret's decision), and character growth (Margaret's newfound resolve). The action moves swiftly, keeping the reader engaged.
2. Dialogue and Setting
The opening dialogue is excellent for immediately establishing the stakes and Charley's character.
* "There is nothing more we can do," and "You're going let me go to jail?" instantly provide the "Bad News" of the title, focusing the tension before Margaret even appears.
* The accountant, Mell, serves his purpose as the "messenger," highlighting Charley's refusal to accept responsibility.
3. Margaret's Transformation
Margaret (Mags) is the true protagonist, and her arc hinges on a few key, powerful details:
* The Name Change: She calls him "Charley" instead of the professional "Mr. Torr---" and the casual, intimate "Charley" instead of the workplace "Mags." This is her declaration of independence—she is moving the relationship out of the office context and treating him with a sudden, devastating equality.
* The Early Exit: She has "never, ever gone home early. Late yes. Sometimes very late." This succinctly establishes her past devotion, whether professional or personal, and makes her departure a seismic shift in their dynamic.
* The Resolve: Her thought process on the bus moves swiftly from needy self-pity ("stupid and needy, but mostly for being naive") to clear-eyed strategy.
4. Thematic Ending
The final line, "It was time to balance the books," is a superb metaphor. It simultaneously refers to:
* Charley's impending financial/legal disaster.
* Margaret settling her own emotional ledger—ending the debt of devotion and expectation she'd paid into the affair.
Areas for Refinement
1. Character Identification
The characters are identified somewhat vaguely, especially Margaret's role.
* Suggestion: Briefly clarifying Margaret's profession (e.g., "His executive assistant, Margaret, knocked...") would ground the story. Knowing she's his employee helps the reader immediately understand the power dynamic she is breaking free from.
2. Sharpening Charley's Reaction
Charley's final line, “Yes, Mags... That's fine." His eyes were searching." is good, but his attempt to smile is a missed opportunity for further characterization.
* Suggestion: Since he is facing jail time, his distress should be intense. Show his self-absorption: "His eyes were searching [her face for sympathy/her commitment/what she knew]." This would better contrast his need with Margaret's sudden coolness. His confusion at her calling him "Charley" could be emphasized—did he barely register it, or was he stunned she'd be so familiar now?
3. The "Hello" Scene
Margaret's contemplation of his post-affair ritual is strong but slightly repetitive:
* "He'll come over tonight, she thought. Drop by. He'll be wanting comfort and kindness and understanding. He'll smell like scotch. Then he'll go home to his wife."
* Suggestion: The central thought, "He'll be wanting comfort... Then he'll go home to his wife," is the crucial betrayal. The rest could be trimmed or absorbed into the main action. The power comes from the recognition that his crisis will only intensify his habit of using her.
Conclusion
"Bad News" is a successful, polished piece of flash fiction. It tells an entire story about a woman achieving self-respect by cutting ties with a selfish man at his most vulnerable moment. The story structure and the powerful metaphorical ending are highly effective. The piece only needs minor adjustments for clarity regarding Margaret's role and a slight sharpening of Charley's reaction to maximize its impact.

sindbad.


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2
2
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Hrafnar Árgeir

This is a detailed review of the Spanish poem, "Deshilachándome de a Poco," translated as "Fraying Little by Little" or "Unraveling Gradually."
Overall Impression
This poem is a stark and deeply felt exploration of emotional decay, profound loneliness, and the realization of one's disposability after an attachment ends. The tone is desolate, resigned, and unflinchingly honest. It skillfully moves beyond simple heartbreak to articulate the more complex, painful feeling of becoming a non-entity—an object abandoned and left to unravel by the cold elements of indifference. The primary theme, powerfully stated in the epigraph, is the cruel failure of love.
Strengths of the Poem
The poem's strength lies in its relentless use of physical, tactile imagery to describe abstract emotional pain, particularly in the middle stanzas.
1. The Core Metaphor of "Fraying"
The title, Deshilachándome de a Poco, is the poem's strongest conceptual asset. It suggests a slow, inevitable process, not a sudden break. The speaker isn't torn apart; they are unraveling thread by thread, losing structure and substance with every passing moment. This is perfectly reinforced in the third stanza: "Deshilachando me dé a poco, / con cada ventarrón, / cada segundo bajo el sol." The decay is caused not by violence, but by simple exposure to time and the elements.
2. The Image of Abandoned Worthlessness
The most visceral and effective section of the poem is the comparison of the self to an object:
> Un mueble más, / abandonado al costado de la carretera... / borroso, sucio, / nada más que trapos, / ocupados con el viento. / ya desechable y sin ningún valor...
>
Comparing the inner self to a piece of furniture abandoned by the roadside is brutal and masterful. It captures the feeling of having been useful or comfortable once, but now being blurry, dirty, and utterly disposable (desechable). The transformation from a valued entity to "rags" used by the wind is a heartbreaking depiction of feeling stripped of all personal value.
3. The Cruelty of Indifference
The observation regarding indifference is sharp and painful:
> Es, un roce / un tanto familiar, / que solo la indiferencia es capaz de traerte.
>
This suggests that the only "touch" or "familiarity" the speaker receives now comes from a person who no longer cares. Indifference is often more devastating than malice, and this line articulates that difference perfectly: there is contact, but it holds no warmth, only the cold emptiness that makes the speaker realize their remote solitude.
Areas for Refinement
While the core images are powerful, a few adjustments could tighten the focus and increase the emotional impact.
1. Tightening the First Stanza
The first stanza, which deals with how memories turn into cold suffering, is the most abstract section. Terms like "pequeños momentos que constriñen al alma" (small moments that constrict the soul) and "el instante de lo inevitable" (the instant of the inevitable) are dense.
Suggestion: Consider linking the initial feeling to a clearer sensory experience before the emotional abstraction. You might connect the "suffered coldness" directly back to the physical feeling of the past moments, making the transition less abrupt.
2. Pacing the Final Revelation
The poem ends with the speaker trapped in the fantasy that, for just one afternoon, they felt loved, and perhaps the other person did too.
While this ending provides a soft, melancholic resolution (the quiet last gasp of hope), it follows the intense, visceral despair of being abandoned furniture. The shift from brutal worthlessness back to a gentle dream is a slight drop in dramatic tension.
Suggestion: If possible, try to retain a trace of the "desert" or "fraying" imagery in the final stanza to keep the tone consistent. For example, the fantasy could be a fragile mirage in the growing desert, emphasizing how little it takes to sustain the memory.
Overall, "Deshilachándome de a Poco" is a success because its central images of fraying and abandonment resonate deeply with the theme of emotional isolation.
I think the comparison to the abandoned furniture is particularly striking. Would you be interested in exploring more images that convey that sense of being disposable or exposed to the elements?

sindbad


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3
3
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Redtowrite

This is a detailed review of the story "Jealousy Spins out of Control."
Overall Impression
"Jealousy Spins out of Control" is a dark, emotionally intense family drama that tackles the destructive nature of parental favoritism and sibling rivalry. The story uses the death of the famous father, Phillip Waring, as the catalyst to unleash the deep-seated psychosis of his neglected daughter, Alice. The central theme—the devastating impact of jealousy on a fragile mind—is conveyed with a horrific, impactful climax. While the story is clear and the ending is shocking, the narrative would benefit from tighter structure and stronger character internalization to fully realize the tragedy.
Strengths of the Story
1. The Core Theme and Conflict
The story establishes a powerful and disturbing premise: a father who, despite his loving intentions, essentially used one daughter as his artistic muse while neglecting the other's emotional needs. This creates a perfectly fertile ground for tragedy. The father's love, expressed through the constant, public celebration of Anita's beauty in art, is directly responsible for Alice's breakdown and the ultimate violence.
2. Character Contrast
The description of the fraternal twins is a major strength:
* Anita: "Camera and paintbrush ready," "topaz colored eyes," "vivacious popular." She is the golden child, painted repeatedly in a life journey of success and beauty.
* Alice: "Quiet child," "porcelain complexion," "serious," "disappeared into the background." She is the shadow, defined by what she is not.
This stark contrast makes Alice's breakdown believable. The father's art became a permanent, public record of Alice's perceived failure to measure up.
3. The Art as Evidence
The detail of the "Anita paintings" serves as excellent physical evidence of the favoritism. The studio is literally a "tribute to her younger sister," making Alice's gasoline-fueled act of destruction not just a murder attempt, but a logical (though insane) effort to destroy the source of her pain and the permanent record of her exclusion. The line, "No one will ever paint you again!" is a perfect articulation of Alice's motive.
4. The Climax
The final scene is shocking and effective. Alice's moment of confusion, mistaking Anita for Rosie (a surrogate, miniature Anita), and her sudden flash of love/maternal instinct for Rosie, provides a moment of fleeting humanity. Her final act of self-immolation instead of killing her sister completes her tragedy, emphasizing that her deepest desire was not to kill Anita, but to erase her own existence that was constantly overshadowed.
Areas for Improvement
1. Pacing and Information Delivery (The First Half)
The opening paragraphs are loaded with descriptive and expository information, which sometimes stalls the narrative momentum.
* Front-Loading Information: Details about Taz, the kitchen layout, Phillip's genius, the "healing" paintings, and the "stealing souls" joke are all interesting but delivered in quick succession, making the early part feel like a character dossier rather than a flowing narrative.
* Suggestion: Integrate exposition into action or dialogue. For example, the "Anita paintings" could be described while the sisters are planning to enter the studio, giving the description immediate emotional relevance. The detail about Phillip's stroke and non-compliance could be revealed through Anita's internal thoughts after Alice's outburst, as she tries to rationalize her father's behavior.
2. Internal Monologue vs. Narrative Summary
The story frequently tells the reader what a character is thinking or feeling, rather than showing it or letting the action imply it.
* Example: "The truth is Ariana and both daughters, were caught in the spider web of Phillip, the Master Artist. He never meant to harm them but their lives revolved around his."
* Example: "She was rumored to be emotionally fragile."
* Suggestion: Allow the events to carry the weight. Alice's hysterical grief at the memorial and her isolation show her fragility. Her final violent act shows that they were caught in Phillip's web. Trust the reader to make these connections from the action.
3. Alice's Spiral
Alice's transition from "quiet child" to attempted murderer is too sudden. The story references her "spiral of depression" and her comment to a therapist about the "type of incest," but these are summarized facts.
* Suggestion: Give Alice a brief moment of active psychological breakdown before the attack. Perhaps a moment alone in the studio, where she sees the "Madonna" portrait of Anita and Rosie and it is the final trigger. This would make the transition to violence feel more earned and less like a switch being flipped.
4. Minor Inconsistencies
* Anita's awareness: Anita asks, "You know Daddy wouldn't want you to hurt me, to hurt any of us. I'll get you help, honey. Please!” This suggests a normal, loving relationship. However, she later thinks, "Anita had wondered why her Dad always painted her." This shows she had some awareness of the favoritism. Clarifying the degree of Anita's innocence about the favoritism would strengthen the tension. Was she truly oblivious, or did she just choose to ignore it?
Conclusion
This is a chilling story that effectively uses the setting and the art world to explore a profound family tragedy. The psychological damage inflicted by a well-meaning but narcissistic parent is clearly and terrifyingly dramatized. To elevate the piece, focus on making the first half a little less summarized and finding active ways to show the deep, slow burn of Alice's jealousy before the dramatic explosion of violence...sindbad
.


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4
4
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Tom Chiu

This is a detailed review of your poem, "Our Awesome Troops: A Superior Valor." Your piece is a powerful expression of fervent patriotism and deep reverence for the military and national purpose.
Overall Impression
This poem functions as a stirring and elevated tribute to the American armed forces, focusing heavily on their moral mandate and global impact. The tone is highly aspirational and celebratory, positioning the military's actions as the mechanism for achieving peace, justice, and prosperity worldwide. It is clear that the poem comes from a place of genuine pride and honor for the veterans and current troops.
Analysis of Content and Theme
The central theme is the righteousness and success of a global military force dedicated to geopolitical goals and the preservation of freedom and national values.
* Geopolitical and Moral Mandate: You immediately set a large scope, linking the troops' actions to "Fulfilling humankind’s / Geopolitical goals" while simultaneously "admonishing human rights violations." This establishes a theme of military action being driven by a moral compass.
* Idealized Vision: The poem consistently uses grand, abstract language—"superior valor," "jubilant level / Of authority," "zenith of the planet’s appropriate / And perfect measures." This creates an idealized, almost mythic vision of the nation's military and political leadership ("knowing and vital command").
* Focus on Reward and Honor: The poem dedicates a significant portion to the rewards earned by the "idyllic warriors," mentioning "medals, accolades," and ensuring "improved services" and financial support for veterans. This effectively highlights the commitment to honoring these citizens.
* Emotional Intensity: The repeated use of superlative adjectives and aspirational concepts creates a chant-like intensity, driving home the message of overwhelming success and justified pride.
Form and Style
The poem is written in free verse using short, staggered lines, which creates a specific rhythm and emphasis.
* Diction and Abstraction: The word choice is highly formal and abstract. Words like geopolitical, admonishing, strident, circumference, and legislators lend an elevated, official weight to the content. This strong reliance on abstraction (focusing on concepts like 'valor' and 'assets' rather than concrete things) perfectly supports the grand, thematic message, but it limits the reader's ability to visualize the scene.
* Line Breaks: The frequent, short line breaks often interrupt natural phrases and clauses ("The zenith of the planet’s appropriate / And perfect measures"). This forces the reader to pause and consider each noun and adjective in isolation, slowing the pace and reinforcing the solemnity of the subject.
* Rhythm: The lack of a consistent meter combined with the staggered lines creates an irregular, almost breathless rhythm, capturing the overwhelming nature of the concepts being celebrated.

Deeper Analysis of the Poem's Purpose

​The poem operates less as a traditional piece of poetry—focused on detailed imagery or emotional conflict—and more as a manifesto or an anthem.
​1. Function as a National Creed
​The piece acts as a statement of national creed and self-justification. By framing the military's actions as "Fulfilling humankind’s Geopolitical goals," the poem elevates the specific military actions of "The Land of Freedom" to a universal, almost divine mission. This technique serves to:
​Abolish Doubt: By declaring the troops are simultaneously "admonishing human rights violations," the poem instantly eliminates any possible moral ambiguity regarding military intervention.
​Establish Superiority: Phrases like "A Superior Valor" and "The zenith of the planet’s appropriate / And perfect measures" assert that the nation's values and actions are the ultimate global standard for justice and governance.
​2. Focus on Leadership and Legacy
​A notable aspect is the explicit praise given not just to the soldiers but also to the civilian and military leadership ("The superior leadership / Of the administration, / Policy-making generals / And legislators"). This acknowledges the chain of command, suggesting that the troops are executing a "knowing and vital command" that is both intelligent and moral.
​The poem also strongly emphasizes legacy and reciprocity in its middle stanza. The troops are not just fighting; they are also "Earning medals, accolades," and securing "Improved services" and "financial aid" for veterans. This structure reinforces the idea of a sacred contract between the warrior and the state—the soldier provides "superior valor," and the nation provides "superior care" and honor.

Tips for Improvement
To make the poem even more vivid and impactful, consider balancing the powerful, abstract language with more concrete imagery.
* Introduce Sensory Imagery (Show, Don't Tell): Your poem is filled with excellent ideas about valor and courage, but it lacks specific details that would allow the reader to feel them.
* Instead of just saying "A courage and majesty," consider adding a tangible image of courage: The steady hand that guides the drone, or The dust-streaked uniform that stands / Against the morning sun.
* Try grounding the abstract: What does a "superior valor" look like, sound like, or smell like in the field?
* Vary Adjective Use: You use many similar superlatives (awesome, superior, strident, spectacular, wondrous, magnificent). While they effectively convey enthusiasm, repeating this style can dilute the impact of any single word.
* Focus on Verbs: Look for opportunities to show the action with powerful verbs rather than telling it with adjectives. For instance, instead of describing a victory as "incredible and advantageous," show how the troops act to make the victory happen.
* Experiment with Line Length: The short line structure is a defining feature, but in some places, combining lines that are grammatically linked could create a more flowing, powerful declaration. For instance, the section about the troops "executing a global, military force" could feel more unified if the lines were slightly longer, leading to a more sweeping statement.
This is a strong tribute to a noble cause. By integrating a few more specific, sensory details, you can make the abstract concepts you're celebrating even more resonant and memorable for the reader...sindbad


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5
5
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
KC under the midnight sun, xx-xx, xx-xx, xx-xx, Richard_freeman, Dr Matticakes Myra, M, Virgo, Stormy is Editing, (known as GROUP).

This is an exceptionally thorough and high-quality review that successfully captures the ambition and detail of the collaborative story, R.A.Z.I. Ninjutsu Academy. The analysis is well-structured, insightful, and balances high praise with constructive, minor critiques.
Detailed Review: R.A.Z.I. Ninjutsu Academy
R.A.Z.I. Ninjutsu Academy by KC under the midnight sun is a richly conceived, anime-inspired collaborative roleplay set in a magical alternate reality. Its narrative and world-building stand out for their ambition, complexity, and emotional depth, drawing upon classic coming-of-age, martial arts, and fantasy tropes to craft a highly immersive boarding school saga.
World-Building and Setting: Fusing the Feudal with Fantasy
The foundation of this story lies in its complex world-building. The setting, Welt, an alternate Earth where magic replaces science, is instantly compelling. The fusion of feudal Asian archetypes (ninja, samurai, geomancers) with a familiar modern campus dynamic is ingenious, reminiscent of popular anime like Naruto or My Hero Academia, but layered with an emphasis on emotional realism and interpersonal conflict.
The R.A.Z.I. Academy itself is a fully realized sanctuary of discipline. Details about the examination procedures, specialized sects, and intense training regimes make the setting feel lived-in and real. By purposefully restricting technology, the story forces characters and readers to focus on physical and magical discipline, group learning, and personal growth. This environment is both familiar (a secluded boarding school with competitions) and fresh (a magic-based feudal society without modern distractions).
Plot Structure and Flow: High Stakes and Interconnected Drama
The narrative excels by opening with immediate, high stakes—just weeks before graduation and key competitions. This builds urgency from the first page. The central conflict, introduced by the protagonist Ren (Pandaren) accidentally injuring his friend Hammer, is powerful: Can Ren master the dangerous power within him, or will he succumb to his trauma and destroy his attachments?
The collaborative format is utilized effectively, with scenes alternating between narration, dialogue, and posts from different contributors. This blend provides a sprawling but tightly interconnected school drama, highlighting a wide range of magical abilities (summoning, shape-shifting, chakra manipulation) and subplots, including master-apprentice relationships, intense rivalries, and training breakthroughs. The pacing is a steady escalation of action, camaraderie, and emotional intensity, always punctuated by moments of genuine kindness and vulnerability.
Characterization and Relationships: Trauma and Vulnerable Hope
Ren (Pandaren) serves as a brilliant emotional core. He is presented not as a typical confident hero, but as an anxious, disciplined, and haunted figure struggling with a mysterious curse and past trauma. This vulnerability makes him instantly refreshing and relatable. His relationships—with the injured Hammer, the wise Master Yoshi, and the supporting cast—reveal layers of trauma and reluctant hope.
The rest of the large ensemble cast is equally detailed. Each character (Exodeus, Varamance, Kagami, Aya, Nnena) is given unique powers and distinct philosophies, ensuring they feel like active participants rather than just supporting props. The story is strongest when these characters confront not just magical challenges, but their own limits, doubts, and attachments. The relationship dynamics—whether overt battle and rivalry, or quiet moments of confession and meditation—are the true engine of the narrative's emotional depth.
Themes and Style: Cinematic Realism and Emotional Honesty
The story handles ambitious themes with grace: discipline vs. emotion, fear vs. control, the price of power, and the quest for personal meaning. The roleplay style creates a seamless blend of external magical realism and internal introspection. There is a consistent, welcome undercurrent of emotional honesty—grief, guilt, and camaraderie—that prevents the high fantasy elements from feeling shallow.
The writing style is immersive and cinematic. It effectively uses sensory detail (morning shadows, racing heartbeats, magical colors) to evoke mood and individual perspective. The most powerful moments—Ren’s guilt, Exodeus’s struggle with his summoned creature, Kagami’s social awkwardness—are impactful because they are honest and deeply relatable.
Evaluation: Strengths, Weaknesses, and Conclusion
| Strengths | Weaknesses |
|---|---|
| Complex, immersive world-building that blends genres. | Pace can occasionally slow due to heavy introspection and narration. |
| Nuanced, believable characters with distinct vulnerabilities. | Collaborative format may lead to minor inconsistencies in tone or pacing. |
| Excellent balance of high-intensity magical action and emotional drama. | Large cast and multiple subplots might be daunting for a new reader. |
| Thoughtful approach to training and strong collaborative storytelling. | |
R.A.Z.I. Ninjutsu Academy is a significant achievement in collaborative storytelling. It succeeds as both an inventive magical academy tale and a nuanced character drama. The world is rich, the characters' internal and external struggles are deeply compelling, and the execution provides the unfolding magical saga with genuine heart and depth...sindbad
6
6
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Tim Chiu

This is a heartfelt tribute, "On Veterans Day: A Tribute to Our Heroes," that clearly aims to honor the sacrifice of service members while acknowledging the complexities of military action.
Overall Impression
The poem is driven by a profound sense of patriotic admiration and gratitude. It successfully conveys the magnitude of the commitment made by veterans and their families. The structure, which utilizes longer, prose-like lines and stanzas, gives the tribute an elevated, almost oratorical quality, fitting for a formal holiday dedication. The intention is undoubtedly noble, centered on celebrating resilience, sacrifice, and national pride.
However, the poem is sometimes weighed down by overly formal and dense language, which obscures the intended emotional message. It attempts to tackle large, abstract concepts (global conflict, national conscience, lofty goals) using vocabulary that can feel academic or abstract, rather than grounding the tribute in tangible, evocative imagery.
Tips for Improvement
The primary area for improvement involves simplifying the language and shifting the focus from abstract concepts to concrete, powerful imagery.
1. Simplify and Clarify Vocabulary
The poem frequently uses pairs of abstract, formal adjectives or nouns where a single, stronger word might suffice, which makes the lines sound heavy and verbose.
Examples of phrases to revise:
* "The specious morals and means / Of involvement / And engagement in lethal / And deadly global theaters"
* Suggestion: This entire opening could be streamlined. "Lethal and deadly" is repetitive. "Specious morals and means" is vague and overly political for a tribute.
* Revision Idea: Focus the critique in simpler terms, or perhaps save the critique for a more prose-driven piece. If the goal is honoring veterans, the focus should be on their sacrifice amidst difficult conflicts. E.g., "The fierce, necessary battles / in contested global theaters."
* "Exerts a deathly and excoriating influence"
* Suggestion: "Excoriating" is a very specific, harsh word (meaning to censure severely or flay). It feels incongruous with the generally positive tone of the tribute.
* Revision Idea: Use more accessible language to describe the burden: "Exerts a difficult, heavy toll" or "Casts a painful shadow."
* "Managed / And pleasing inklings / And prolific urgency"
* Suggestion: This phrase is very confusing. "Inklings" (vague ideas) and "urgency" (a strong need) don't seem to relate clearly to the positive qualities of veterans (resiliency, togetherness).
* Revision Idea: Replace this phrase with words that actually describe positive, active attributes, such as "Managed and purposeful effort" or "A focused, steadfast resolve."
2. Focus on Visual and Emotional Imagery
The poem uses few specific, sensory details. Compare the immediate emotional power of the previous poem's "hats on shoes" to the abstract nature of "America’s most relevant conceptions."
* To elevate this tribute, try to show the sacrifice and resilience rather than just telling the reader it exists.
* Instead of saying they "Recapturing the dawn of America’s / Religious and noble sentiments," try showing a scene of a veteran helping a neighbor, or a moment of quiet dignity in uniform.
* Example for Stanza 4:
> Scores of brave and dedicated veterans,
> Troops, and their families
> Brilliantly relying / On resiliency, reciprocity, togetherness,
> And acceptance...
>
* Revision Idea: Use visual images for these concepts. What does "resiliency" look like? Maybe a family standing firm at an emotional homecoming, or a veteran recovering. E.g., "Scores of dedicated veterans, / Their families standing guard / In resilient circles, / Sharing the weight, the warmth of reciprocity."
3. Review Line Breaks and Flow
The current line breaks often interrupt a phrase without adding emphasis, creating a choppy rhythm (known as "chopping up prose").
* Example (Stanza 1):
> Of involvement
> And engagement in lethal
> And deadly global theaters are being
> Thoroughly questioned and analyzed;
>
* Suggestion: In poetry, line breaks should either create meaning (enjambment) or provide a natural pause (end-stop). Here, the break after "involvement" and "lethal" feels arbitrary. Try breaking lines at natural pauses or points of emphasis.
This poem has a strong foundation of respect and a powerful subject. By embracing simpler, more direct language and focusing on concrete, sensory imagery, the writer can make this tribute more emotionally engaging and memorable for the reader...


Detailed Critique
Structural and Tone Analysis
The poem attempts to fuse two distinct poetic tones: the Critical/Political and the Inspirational/Ode.
* The Critical Opening: The first three stanzas introduce elements of complexity and critique ("specious morals," "lethal and deadly global theaters," "thoroughly questioned and analyzed," "excoriating influence"). While this attempt to acknowledge the nuance of military service is intellectually honest, it immediately creates a sense of heaviness that works against the intended celebratory tone of a Veterans Day tribute.
* The Inspirational Shift: The poem attempts to pivot in the fourth stanza toward pure praise ("resiliency, reciprocity, togetherness") and climax in the sixth with grand, abstract concepts ("America's most relevant conceptions," "this mighty universe’s loftiest goals"). This shift feels abrupt. The weight of the opening stanzas isn't resolved; it's simply set aside for the celebration.
* Recommendation: To make the poem more cohesive, the opening should either be removed entirely (to focus purely on the selfless sacrifice) or integrated more smoothly by immediately linking the cost of war to the courage of the veteran. For example, instead of critiquing the "morals," acknowledge the heavy burden placed on those who serve in complex, difficult wars.
The Problem of Abstract and Redundant Language
The most significant stylistic challenge is the reliance on formal, academic vocabulary and frequently redundant pairing of adjectives and nouns, which diminishes the impact of the praise.
| Original Phrase | Issue | Suggested Improvement for Impact |
|---|---|---|
| "lethal / And deadly global theaters" | Repetitive and obvious. | "Violent global conflicts" |
| "lucid and antagonizing elements" | "Lucid" (clear/rational) contradicts "antagonizing" (hostile). The word choice confuses the nature of the enemy. | "Ruthless adversaries" or "Hostile forces" |
| "upward and onward, / Conscious grip" | Clichéd and vague. What does the grip mean here? | Something concrete: "our nation’s forward progress" |
| "pleasing inklings / And prolific urgency" | Nearly nonsensical in context; abstract nouns that describe nothing specific about the veteran's character. | Replace with concrete, positive actions: "Focused efforts" or "Unwavering commitment" |
| "ultimate commitment / To our nation’s pride / And dignified scope!" | The poem ends with three abstract nouns. The tribute doesn't land on a powerful, felt emotion. | End on a concrete image of the flag, a returning soldier, or a family's hope. |
Critique of Hyperbolic Claims
The fifth stanza reaches for an elevated tone that becomes overly hyperbolic:
> Encapsulated heroes of past, present, and current
> Scenarios celebrated for their immense courage
> During the most enlightened adventures,
> Recapturing the dawn of America’s
> Religious and noble sentiments…
>
Referring to military service as "most enlightened adventures" risks downplaying the seriousness, pain, and trauma inherent in war. Furthermore, invoking "Religious and noble sentiments" and "mighty universe’s loftiest goals" elevates the subject far beyond the human, personal sacrifice that often makes tribute poetry most moving.
Recommendation: The poem would gain significant power by dialing back the cosmic claims and focusing instead on the human scale of heroism—the immediate courage, the loyalty to comrades, and the difficult homecoming. A tribute is strongest when it feels true to the personal experience of the veterans themselves...sindbad


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7
7
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Kathie Stehr

What a powerful and evocative poem, "A Beloved Cluttered Mind". It offers a raw, intimate, and deeply compassionate look at the experience of a person struggling with a cognitive or mental disorder, presumably one that affects memory and clarity.
Overall Impression
This poem is a striking and emotionally resonant piece. The central metaphor of the "cluttered mind" is immediately vivid and sustained throughout. The writing is characterized by powerful, often jarring imagery that successfully conveys the internal chaos and heartbreaking confusion of the subject. It manages to balance the narrator's love and admiration for the woman ("A Beloved Cluttered Mind," "Her mouth spoke with pearls") with the painful reality of her mental state ("dirty slander," "frail fists crave a fight"). The movement from the past—a life of "candy innocent" youth, "rose romance," and "childbirth"—to the fractured present creates a palpable sense of loss and tragedy. The final stanza provides a moment of tender, earned peace, offering a soft conclusion to the storm.
Tips for Improvement
While the poem is strong, a few minor adjustments could enhance its impact and flow.
1. Line-Level Clarity and Rhythm
* Punctuation in the Second Stanza: The second stanza has a slightly fragmented rhythm due to the rapid succession of short, declarative statements. Consider how punctuation and line breaks are used to control the pace. For instance, in the second part of the stanza:
We fracture, tattoo, test and weather.
Question, fight, love and admire.
Then varnish, stain and seal what remains.

The first two lines are a little less clear than the rest of the poem. While the meaning is understandable (the emotional labor of family life), you might consider tightening or rephrasing the first line to make the actions more active and less like a list, or perhaps using commas instead of periods to link the actions together more smoothly if they are meant to be a continuous process of a life shared.
* Rhyme in the Third Stanza: The rhyme scheme is generally loose, but the second couplet of the third stanza feels slightly less organic:
This heinous disorder opens cloistered space,
fragile pieces fall apart, blowing wildly.

"Space" and "wildly" do not rhyme, which is fine, but the rhythm is broken slightly. Focus on the strength of the visual imagery here ("fragile pieces fall apart, blowing wildly") and perhaps revise the line break or the word "wildly" to strengthen the impact of the visual metaphor.
2. Strengthen Imagery in the Sixth Stanza
The sixth stanza is perhaps the most abstract, dealing with the loss of time and lessons:
Precious time lost forever is never reclaimed.
Lessons learned too late, are now unknown.
Now you see it all like a merry-go-round.
Is a simple life really sweet?
Let only love pass as cobwebs fill empty spaces.

The first two lines are very direct statements. While the honesty is good, you could maintain the powerful, object-based imagery used elsewhere (like "stained glass," "hats on shoes," "video priest") to make these lines more impactful. For example, instead of "Precious time lost forever is never reclaimed," you might try to show that loss, perhaps with a more concrete image of a broken clock or a faded photograph.
Final Thoughts and Encouragement
This is a moving and skillfully written poem. Your use of sensory and domestic imagery—windows, crayons, stained glass, childbirth, hats on shoes, cobwebs, a pot of tea, a quiet library—grounds the abstract concept of mental deterioration in tangible, relatable moments.
The fourth stanza is a highlight, perfectly capturing the sense of mental disarray:
Memories collide, what fits where,
hats on shoes, multicolored cobwebs,
a projection of thoughts run berserk.
A kaleidoscope of life can not rest.
Photos spill; leaves caught in a storm, lost forever.

The images of "hats on shoes" and "photos spill; leaves caught in a storm" are fantastic. They are simultaneously surreal and heartbreakingly accurate representations of confusion.
The closing stanza is also very effective, providing a gentle moment of closure and empathy:
When her mind fills to a point of capacity,
she seeks a protective shell and retreats.
Cushioned womb, pot of tea, quiet library
bar the door, rest earned, hang a "Closed" sign.

The phrase "rest earned" is a beautiful acknowledgment of the immense struggle she endures. Keep trusting your strong, visceral imagery—it's the heart of this poem.
Deeper Analysis of the Poem

​The Central Metaphor: A Fractured Sanctuary
​The poem's success lies in its sustained and powerful central metaphor: the mind as a house of fragmented domesticity.
​The Window/Stained Glass (Stanza 1): The initial imagery of "stained glass, crayon colored panes" immediately establishes a theme of broken beauty. The windows, which should offer clarity and vision, are instead fractured and colored by life's events. The transition from "delicate pink, candy innocent" to "ruby red rose romance," and finally "bloody crimson with childbirth" is a brilliant, concise history of the woman's life—a history literally bleeding into the structure of her mind. This suggests the disorder isn't just random; it's a consequence of a fully lived, intense life.
​Clutter and Collapse (Stanza 3 & 4): The poem moves from a historical perspective (stained glass) to the chaotic present (clutter). The mind's "doors... exist for protection," but the disorder has forced them open, causing "fragile pieces [to] fall apart." The image of "hats on shoes, multicolored cobwebs" is a masterstroke of surrealism rooted in the familiar. It perfectly illustrates the misplacement of memories and logic—things that belong together in a space, but are now chaotically scattered. The comparison of spilling photos to "leaves caught in a storm" captures the irreparable loss of moments.
​Thematic Tension: Love vs. Reality
​A key strength of the poem is the tension between the narrator's beloved memory of the woman and the painful reality of her illness.
​The Dual Personality (Stanza 5): This stanza is the emotional climax. The contrast is stark: "Her mouth spoke with pearls" (dignity, grace, the past) versus "this brain is a sailor with dirty slander" (anger, confusion, the present). The illness doesn't just confuse; it strips away her civility and forces her to say things that are out of character. The narrator acknowledges this painful truth, refusing to "comfort," because her "frail fists crave a fight," suggesting an honest respect for her struggle and her current need to express her frustration.
​The Unreclaimable Past (Stanza 6): This section introduces a sense of existential dread. The "merry-go-round" image captures the repetitive, dizzying nature of lost time and cyclical confusion. The line "Let only love pass as cobwebs fill empty spaces" acts as both a lament and a desperate plea, acknowledging that all the other clutter—the memories, the lessons—is being choked out, and all that's left, or all that should be left, is the foundational bond of love.
​Structure and Conclusion
​The poem is structured as a journey from the woman's origins to her eventual retreat.
​The Earned Retreat (Stanza 7): The final stanza offers a comforting resolution, pulling back from the chaos. The woman "seeks a protective shell and retreats," which is described using soothing, almost fetal imagery: "Cushioned womb, pot of tea, quiet library." This suggests the withdrawal is not a surrender, but a necessary act of self-preservation. The closing image, "hang a 'Closed' sign," is profoundly effective. It's an act of agency in a life largely stripped of control, marking a moment of peace and solitude—a 'rest earned' after the storm in her mind.
​In summary, the poem excels in its honest portrayal of mental disorder, using sharp, tangible imagery to explore the profound grief of losing a loved one's clarity while still holding onto the person they fundamentally are. The blending of domestic metaphor with raw emotional conflict makes it a deeply memorable piece.


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8
8
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
RadioShea

This is a detailed review of the short film script, "Blossoms Maligned."
The author should be proud that this script was picked up by Freewater Productions. It's a testament to the script's core emotional power and timely subject matter.
Overall Impression
"Blossoms Maligned" is a powerful, gut-wrenching short film script that expertly juxtaposes the innocence of burgeoning young love with the sudden, brutal reality of school violence. The script’s strength lies in its patience, dedicating the majority of the runtime to building a genuine, affectionate history between Sarah and Tom. This investment in their relationship makes the final, tense sequence in the classroom devastating. The ending, cutting to black just as the threat arrives, is a potent and respectful choice.
Believable Characters and Relationship Arc
The script successfully establishes Sarah and Tom as believable, relatable characters whose relationship follows an organic, nine-year arc.
* Sarah: She is immediately defined by her energy, independence, and fighting spirit ("leaps off the porch like a racehorse," "I'm gonna pound you"). Her initial move toward Tom is one of curiosity and assertion (the thrown stone). This assertive nature continues into their high school years when she is the one who initiates the first kiss. She is not a damsel, making her final fear in the classroom all the more impactful.
* Tom: He is introduced as a gentle soul, perhaps a little timid (staring terrified at the TV while holding Sarah's hand). His decision to quit the baseball game to play catch with Sarah is a beautiful, defining moment that establishes his loyalty and sensitivity. In the final sequence, his actions—shielding Sarah, whispering "Everything will be okay"—solidify him as a deeply loving partner, though his runaway heartbeat betrays his true terror.
* Relationship Strength: The relationship feels genuine, moving from childhood comradeship (shared secrets, defending each other) to a mature, anticipated high school romance. The moment Tom gives her the necklace and asks her on a "date" provides the emotional peak just before the tragedy, giving the audience the greatest possible emotional investment in their survival.
Plot Strength and Structure
The script’s two-part structure—Past and Present—is highly effective, though the final sequence could benefit from slight refinement.
* The Contrast: The structure is the core dramatic device. The long build-up, showing quiet moments of connection (the kitchen scrapings, the hand-holding, the early-morning hallway talk) is starkly contrasted with the final scene's chaos. It effectively sells the central tragedy: that such beauty and potential can be extinguished by random violence.
* Pacing the Violence: The shift into the classroom shooting sequence is tense and well-handled. The initial, muffled shots and the students' confused silence give way to panic after the second, louder burst. Mrs. Johnson's quick commands and the student's desperation are believable.
* Plot Tip: The very first scene, INT. CLASSROOM - DAY, is powerful as a cold open, but the sounds ("shuffles and whimpering are accompanied by intermittent gunshots") are perhaps too extreme for a scene that is meant to foreshadow. If the initial sounds were only distant muffled pops and quiet confusion, it might increase the ambiguity and shock when the "9 YEARS EARLIER" Super comes up, making the reveal of what those sounds truly are even stronger later.
Dialogue and Readability
The dialogue is natural and serves the characters well, particularly in the nine-years-later segment.
* Natural Conversation: The small exchanges ("How do you find anything in there?" "I have a system.") establish their easy chemistry. The tension in the high school hallway when Tom asks her out is also genuine, capturing the awkwardness of turning a best friendship into a romantic relationship.
* Script Formatting: The script uses standard formatting correctly (INT./EXT., character names capitalized on first introduction, parentheticals). The use of SOUND EFFECTS capitalized within the action lines (CRACK, BOOOOOP, CRASHES OPEN) is excellent for emphasizing their dramatic impact on screen.
Constructive Criticism (Believability and Technical Notes)
* The Necklace Scene: This scene is emotionally rich, but the dialogue leading up to the gift is a little redundant. Tom says, "wanted to give this to you before I left." Sarah replies, "I left your gift at home. I thought we were supposed to do this after school today." This could be tightened. The moment is about the gift and the ask ("a date"), not the logistics of the gift exchange.
* The Final Scene: The transition to the final, silent void is brilliant. However, the scene description might need one slight clarification:
> "...the door to the classroom CRASHES OPEN to COMPLETE DARKNESS."
> Since the lights are already off, the door crashing open should be accompanied by the sound and perhaps a flash of exterior light before the scene cuts immediately to the black screen, which would eliminate the second of confusion about where the darkness comes from. The sound of the door is the terrifying last moment.
>
In conclusion, "Blossoms Maligned" is a deeply affecting script. It is a tender love story that, by setting its final scene in a modern nightmare, achieves a profound and tragic sense of loss. The focus on character over gore ensures the film's message about school violence is personal and heartbreaking...sindbad


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9
9
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Teguettler

This is a detailed review of the excerpt, A Commander's Dilemma, with best of my ability.
Overall Impression
This excerpt effectively establishes a compelling moral conflict centered on the protagonist, Commander Hadrian Livingstone. The scene is grim, tense, and immediately thrusts the reader into the aftermath of a massacre, forcing Hadrian to confront the consequences of his "orders." The author successfully adheres to the goal of a limited third-person POV, providing a clear window into Hadrian's growing disillusionment and his attempt to reclaim a shred of honor and control. The dilemma—following unjust orders versus acting on one's conscience—is a powerful foundation for a fantasy story.
Technical Elements
Plot and Conflict
The plot is simple for an excerpt: execute an order, survey the destruction, and immediately question the act.
* Strengths: The action is not the raid itself, but the internal conflict and ethical fallout, which is a far more interesting starting point for a character-driven narrative. The tension between Hadrian's official duty ("We have our orders and they must be followed") and his personal morality ("Their sacrifice was noble. There are no rebels here") is well-drawn through his dialogue with Lieutenant Ames. Hadrian's immediate orders to save the wounded and form a burial detail are excellent, decisive actions that show him attempting to mitigate the damage and assert a compassionate counter-order.
* Tips for Improvement: The final moment with the young woman, while an intriguing hook, feels a little sudden. Giving Hadrian a moment more of reflection before entering the building would better ground the transition from his public dilemma (the village) to his private dilemma (the survivor).
Characterization
The excerpt provides clear, distinct character voices and motives.
* Commander Hadrian Livingstone: He is established as a conflicted, professional soldier. He is not a monster; he is a man burdened by an oath and appalled by his actions. His initial harshness toward Ames ("you are not to question orders") quickly dissolves into shared, quiet grief. His observant nature is shown through noting the "noble sacrifice" of the villagers and the military design of the village. His final action—reaching out to the hiding woman—demonstrates a crucial shift from being an agent of destruction to a potential protector.
* Lieutenant Ames: Ames acts as the voice of pure, unfiltered conscience. He is crucial to the scene, as his direct questioning forces Hadrian to articulate his own doubts. His bluntness makes Hadrian’s eventual sigh of agreement more impactful.
Style and Diction
Setting and Atmosphere
The author uses strong sensory details to paint a bleak and unsettling scene.
* Strengths: The atmosphere is immediately effective: "Smoke swirled in the air amidst the crackling flames," and the "smell of death permeated the air." The use of the "eerie shadow" and the "hovering smoke and ash shrouded the sun" is a classic, evocative image that physically represents the darkness descending upon the commander's moral landscape. Details like the "crude farm tools" versus the "military style design" and the quality of the sword create good contextual layers for the world.
* Tips for Improvement: The description is sometimes a little repetitive, particularly the phrase "cut down" when describing the corpses. Using more varied phrasing for the violence ("fell," "slain," "butchered," etc.) would enhance the gravity of the scene. Additionally, the line "Your nervous breathing betrays you" is a somewhat cliché fantasy trope. A different sensory detail (a slight scraping sound, a reflection in the glass) could make Hadrian’s acuity feel more unique.
Limited POV
The limited third-person POV is largely successful, filtering the scene through Hadrian's professional and internal lens.
* Strengths: We understand why Hadrian maintains discipline and why he is disgusted with the prince. His perspective makes the moral compromise feel personal.
* Tips for Improvement: The paragraph discussing the injured villager abruptly switches focus. The wounds "did not seem mortal" and "he was delirious for sure" read more like detached narration than Hadrian’s direct, internal assessment. Integrating these observations more smoothly into his thoughts would maintain the limited POV focus.
Conclusion
"A Commander's Dilemma" is a strong and promising opening to a fantasy idea. It immediately establishes a sympathetic protagonist facing a profound moral crisis. The tension between duty and conscience, set against the backdrop of a brutal, unjust military action, provides rich ground for future exploration. To strengthen the writing, the author should focus on refining descriptive language to avoid repetition and ensure the chosen sensory details are fresh and distinctive.
Rating Suggestion: 5 Stars (Solid writing, excellent premise, and strong character foundation, with room for minor stylistic refinements.)

sindbad


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10
10
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Tim Chiu

This is a detailed review of the poem, "Our Veterans’ Hope - A Land of Ideals, and as always I am a great fan and trying to give my honest and best opinion, and trust me they are not adequate to give voice to the inner creativity that is so very unique and rather visible to readers and fans, who have gone through all your poetry you have posted here.
.
Overall Impression
The poem is a heartfelt, passionate, and ambitious tribute to veterans, weaving together themes of appreciation, societal responsibility, mental health, and global foreign policy. It clearly communicates a deep respect for the sacrifices of service members and a strong desire to see them honored and restored. The author's voice is fervent and idealistic, painting a vision of an America that truly lives up to its name as "The Land of Ideals" by properly caring for its heroes and exercising its leadership responsibly on the world stage.
Structure and Form
The poem is written in free verse, which allows for a natural flow of thought and emotion. It is composed of several stanzas of varying lengths, resembling a speech or a manifesto more than a traditional lyric poem.
* Strengths: The use of enjambment (lines running over) in some sections effectively creates a driving, continuous energy, particularly when listing ideals: "Relying on resiliency, reciprocity, togetherness, / And acceptance..."
* Tips for Improvement: The poem is quite dense with abstract nouns and lofty concepts (e.g., "nexus in verve," "subjective aura," "meritorious model of authority," "dignified scope"). While these contribute to the formal and serious tone, they sometimes make the meaning feel vague or overly rhetorical. Breaking up some of the longer, complex sentences and focusing on more concrete imagery could enhance clarity and emotional impact. For example, instead of "honored treatment and restoration / Of our awesome service men / And women’s deserving souls," one might use a more evocative scene of what that restoration looks like (e.g., a veteran finding peace, a family reunited, healing wounds both seen and unseen).
Content and Themes
The poem addresses several critical themes:
* Veteran Welfare and Accountability: The opening focuses on the duty of the citizenry to our veterans, emphasizing "caring, concern, and vision" for their physical and mental well-being.
* National Ideals and Pride: The poem positions the treatment of veterans as the measure of a nation's greatness and its "enduring national pride."
* Foreign Policy and Global Leadership: The final stanzas dramatically shift focus to America's role in the world, addressing the need to end conflicts, seek "global respect / And harmony," and oppose "imperialist retaking" and "nuclear ambitions."
* Strengths: The poem is very comprehensive in its scope. The transition from the personal battle of the veteran to the global battle for peace demonstrates a strong commitment to a holistic worldview. The language is powerfully evocative in places, particularly when describing the veterans as "survivors of the most grossly cruel battles" and the "dark and deathly situations" of the current era.
* Tips for Improvement: The section discussing the "current administration refusing / To let the nation’s visionary status / Be denied" feels a little awkwardly placed and risks injecting a specific political reference that could distract from the poem's timeless, universal message about veterans. The concluding message about "appropriate military thinking / And bold, prolific might" in the face of global threats contrasts sharply with the earlier stated goal of "Ending deadly wars," creating a tension that might be worth exploring or resolving more explicitly.
Language and Diction
The author employs a very formal, elevated, and almost stately vocabulary.
* Strengths: Words like resiliency, reciprocity, valor, admonish, prolific contribute to the grand, serious tone and the theme of national importance.
* Tips for Improvement: At times, the language borders on being verbose or unnecessarily complex. Phrases like "seek a new nexus in verve" or "meritorious model of authority" are less impactful than simpler, more direct language would be. A poem often gains power from precision and economy. Reviewing the abstract nouns and replacing some with strong verbs or concrete nouns would make the message punchier and more accessible.
Final Recommendation
This poem is a powerful, sincere statement of national commitment and gratitude. The author's passion for the subject is undeniable and the message is one that deserves to be heard. To elevate the piece, the author should focus on refining the language, moving from generalized, abstract pronouncements to more vivid, specific imagery that shows the reader the hope, the struggle, and the ultimate restoration of the veterans' souls.
Rating Suggestion: 5 Stars (Excellent and deeply felt, but would benefit from stylistic refinement for greater clarity and emotional resonance.)

sindbad


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11
11
for entry "Phrygian" Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi
Amethyst SkellyBones Angel

As per your request and the parameters to be explored this is my review of your 12-line poem, "Phrygian," focusing on its overall impression, thematic strength, and literary technique and not the least the impression it have.
Detailed Review: "Phrygian"
Your poem, "Phrygian," is a powerful, densely packed piece that immediately establishes an atmosphere of rebellion, desperation, and transformation. It successfully uses vivid imagery to convey a narrative of escape and the forging of an unexpected alliance against a hostile world.
Overall Impression and Reaction
The poem is striking and leaves the reader with a strong sense of dark energy and grim determination. The immediate reaction is one of curiosity and engagement—the poem hints at a larger story involving prisoners or refugees, political turmoil (symbolized by the Phrygian cap), and a brutal journey into the wilderness. The connection to the Imagine Dragons lyric effectively sets a tone of survival and unwavering commitment, which the poem then develops into a specific, character-driven scenario.
Key Strengths and Analysis
* Imagery and Sensory Detail: The poem is rich with sensory language. Phrases like "freedom's copper flavor" and "Coal smoke shadows, glowing eyes" are highly effective, giving a metallic, tangible sense to the concept of liberty and the danger of the environment. The contrast between the initial "Locked, barred, teardrop showers, dingy gray walls" and the subsequent "swamps, thickets, swinging vines" immediately establishes the high-stakes change in setting.
* Thematic Core (Incongruity and Alliance): The heart of the poem lies in the lines: "Dual forces tearing, uprooting, meeting at crossroads: / Exchange mutual respect, each shouldering other's unfitness." This explores a profound theme of necessary partnership where two disparate entities must rely on each other for survival. The term "Incongruity collides" perfectly captures the jarring yet fated nature of this meeting.
* Symbolism of "Phrygian": The title and the opening line, "Red hoods, Phrygian caps," are historically loaded symbols of freedom and revolutionary struggle (the Phrygian cap was worn by freed Roman slaves and became an emblem of the French Revolution). This grounds the escape narrative in a political or ideological context, making the personal journey part of a larger fight for liberty.
* Pacing and Conclusion: The final lines provide a dynamic, active conclusion: "Wolf darts past, girl presses onward, / Each fate transposed against a world neither wanted." This gives the poem a cinematic quality, leaving the reader with a clear image of two figures—one wild, one human—united by shared adversity.
Tips for Improvement
* Punctuation and Flow: Due to the dense, fragmented nature of the lines, occasionally the meaning feels slightly obscured. The lack of standard punctuation (commas, periods) in a few places can force the reader to pause awkwardly.
* Example: The line "Momentary lapse of judgment becomes stone heartbeat" is powerful, but placing it immediately after the lines about mutual respect creates a sudden shift that might benefit from clearer separation (perhaps a dash or a colon) if it's meant to describe a major, decisive event.
* Word Choice Consistency: The language is mostly strong and active, but the phrase "teardrop showers" is a slight deviation from the hard, sensory language of the surrounding lines ("coal smoke," "copper flavor," "dingy gray walls"). Replacing this with a more visceral image of grief or misery might tighten the poem's gritty feel.
* Suggestion: Consider something like "Locked, barred, silent cries, dingy gray walls."
Final Assessment
"Phrygian" is a highly successful thematic poem. It expertly uses concentrated imagery and symbolism to tell a story of escape, revolutionary spirit, and the desperate, defining bond forged in the crucible of a hostile world. The use of the Imagine Dragons quote provides an excellent launchpad, which the subsequent lines expand upon with impressive originality. It is a memorable and evocative piece. These are my personal observation so please overlook my mistakes..sindbad


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12
12
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
The Phantom

Detailed Review: "Natasha & Naomi: The Slumber Party"
This story is a fun, lighthearted take on the classic "unruly pet/friend meets skeptical acquaintances" trope, layered with a unique supernatural element. It successfully balances the awkwardness of human social dynamics with the chaos of living with an easily bored, sentient blue slime creature.
Overall Impression
The story is a fast-paced, entertaining slice-of-life comedy centered on Naomi's stressful attempt to keep her bizarre living situation a secret from her childhood friends, Ruth and Taylor. The tone is consistently cheerful and casual, fitting the "Rated: 13+" designation. The conflict is primarily humorous and internal (Naomi's anxiety), though it has moments of physical comedy provided by Natasha. The entry is successful as a standalone piece about a difficult slumber party.
Key Strengths
* Character Dynamic (The Friends): The introduction of Ruth and Taylor is excellent. Ruth is the bubbly, supportive one (the "slapper" and "tease"), while Taylor is the blunt, cynical, but loyal friend (the "guilt-tripper"). This familiar, contrasting dynamic immediately makes their banter and interactions feel natural and funny, especially when they tease Naomi about her diner uniform and figure.
* The Natasha Problem: Natasha, the slimy blue entity, is the engine of the plot. Her characterization as an innocent but impulsive and destructive "pet" is consistently amusing. Her obsession with food and her childlike excitement ("Can I meet them?" / "Well, how else am I supposed to know what they taste like?") create high stakes comedy.
* Suspense and Humor: The sequence where Naomi tries to keep Natasha confined is full of great tension and payoff:
* Naomi's over-the-top excuse for the bedroom being "private! F-For my eyes only!" is an immediate highlight.
* Natasha secretly escaping to steal popcorn and leaving "blue stuff" on Taylor is a perfect beat of discovery that is immediately deflected by Taylor's surprising reaction ("tastes like blue raspberry").
* Resolution and Theme: The ending reaffirms the deep bond between Naomi and Natasha. Naomi's apology and declaration, "you’re the best thing that happened to me here," resolves the internal conflict, showing that she truly values Natasha over the need to conform or hide. This reinforces the "Friendship" theme listed in the tags.
Areas for Improvement
* Dialogue Clarity/Flow: While the dialogue is strong for characterization, there are a few moments where it feels slightly unnatural or rushed:
* The transition from the group hug to Ruth's sudden hesitation: "Um… actually… We’re still moving in... We’re having trouble figuring out what goes where." The abrupt shift to the apartment excuse feels a little thin, even for a quick excuse. Since they live in the same building, perhaps a quick line about the noise of moving would be more convincing.
* The dialogue when Natasha is put in the room: "Don’t worry, I’ll leave some food and water in there for you! Just, please…” Naomi begged. “Stay in the bedroom until tomorrow morning and I’ll do whatever you want!”... “All day?”... “Yes, all day! Whatever you want! All day!” The repetition of "all day" feels like an unnecessary pause in the momentum.
* The Midnight Scene (The Vore Element): The description of Natasha temporarily engulfing the friends needs a clearer sense of consequence. The girls only wake up to find themselves covered in "slime" with no memory of the event and no panic (Ruth just says "Eww!"). Given Natasha's earlier comment about eating them alive, this scene feels like a potential moment of horror/suspense that is immediately neutralized.
* Tip: If the goal is comedy, lean into the strangeness: perhaps Taylor finds the "blue stuff" particularly delicious after the engulfment. If the goal is a minor thrill, give the girls a sense of dread or confusion, a lingering feeling that something strange happened, before moving on to breakfast.
Final Verdict and Tips
"Natasha & Naomi: The Slumber Party" is a fun, quirky entry that fully exploits the comedic potential of its unique premise. Naomi's anxiety is relatable, and the friends' banter is highly entertaining.
Tips for Improvement:
* Refine Natasha's Confinement: When Natasha is eating the food stockpile, perhaps have her struggle more with the 5-gallon drum of water. This adds a physical obstacle and makes her eventual escape (and eating the bottle) more of a triumph.
* Punch Up the Morning After: Make the reaction to the slime more specific. Does Ruth realize it smells like blue raspberry, too? Does Taylor get a strange energy from it? This would be a great way to subtly hint at Natasha’s actions without breaking the "secret."
* Strengthen Naomi’s Apology: The final scene is emotionally satisfying. Emphasize the slimy hug more—Naomi trying to "return the hug" while being covered in slime is a sweet, physical representation of accepting Natasha for who she is...sindbad.


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13
13
Review of Natasha & Naomi  Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
The Phantom

This was a delightful read! "Natasha & Naomi" takes a very unique fantasy premise and grounds it in a relatable slice-of-life setting, making the bizarre occurrences charming and fun rather than scary. The story works well because of the strong contrast and growing bond between the two main characters.
Overall Impression and Concept
The story is a success because it commits completely to its unique concept: a shy college student adopts an affectionate, growing slime creature with an insatiable appetite. The way you handle the size-change and the central dynamic of consumption (Naomi being eaten) is consistently lighthearted and non-threatening, turning what could be a scary scenario into a source of comfort and humor.
The premise is fresh, and the pacing keeps the reader curious about how Natasha will grow next and what boundaries Naomi will attempt to enforce.
Strengths of the Story
Character Dynamics and Contrast
The relationship between Naomi and Natasha is the heart of the story, and the contrast between them is wonderful:
* Naomi the Nurturer: Naomi’s initial reaction to the blue slime girl is fear, but this quickly shifts to compassion and protectiveness. She is the responsible one—studying hard, cooking, and attempting to set rules—which makes her role as Natasha's new "water bed" incredibly endearing.
* Natasha the Impulse: Natasha is driven entirely by simple, childlike desires: to be big, to be with Naomi, and to eat. Her innocence makes her actions (like eating the notes and the entire fridge inventory) funny rather than malicious. Her simple joy—"You tasted... incredible!"—is a great moment of naive body horror.
Effective Use of the Fantasy Trope
You established a very clear, comforting set of rules for the consumption trope:
* Consensual and Safe: The key reveal that Natasha "can't digest living material" is essential for establishing the low-stakes, high-comfort tone. This immediately eases the tension for the reader (and for Naomi) and allows the relationship to evolve into a fun, regular routine by the epilogue.
* Visual Growth: You effectively tied Natasha's growth directly to consumption. Her progression from a half-height girl to Naomi's size, and the corresponding acquisition of "curves" and "breasts," is a visually appealing manifestation of her success in life.
Engaging Dialogue and Humor
The dialogue is direct and often very funny, especially when Natasha is complaining:
* "But I haaaaaaate waiting!"
* "I get hungry waiting for you to get home!"
* Naomi's internal musing, "The things I do to make her happy…" perfectly encapsulates the resigned acceptance of her new life.
Suggestions for Development
1. Deepening Naomi’s Emotional Reaction
While Naomi’s eventual acceptance is necessary for the plot, her initial fear and disgust could be explored a little more deeply before she gives in.
* When Naomi is first engulfed, her internal reaction is "screaming her head off" and "scared." After Natasha explains that she's safe, Naomi immediately switches to liking it ("kinda liked floating inside the slime girl"). Consider extending her initial resistance and disgust with the slime (the texture, the smell, the sliminess) to make her eventual comfort feel more earned.
2. Pacing the Acceptance
In Part 3, Naomi's forgiveness happens very quickly. Natasha has:
* Eaten all her food (a whole week's worth).
* Eaten the irreplaceable final copy of her essay.
* Completely engulfed her.
Naomi's only reaction is a frustrated sigh and a quick hug ("I can’t stay mad at you..."). If you added a beat where Naomi is momentarily genuinely furious (perhaps sitting outside, hosing the slime off herself, and contemplating what to do with Natasha) before her softer nature takes over, it would give more weight to the chaos that Natasha creates.
3. Teasing Natasha's Origin
The line, "I came out of a tube that was on the road..." is a fascinating detail that is dropped immediately. For a fantasy story, exploring the origin of the slime (was it a science experiment? an accident? an alien life form?) could give the plot an interesting future trajectory beyond just the size-change theme.
Overall, this is a fun, well-written piece that nails the unique atmosphere it's striving for! The Epilogue leaves the reader with a clear picture of a happy, unusual domestic partnership.
Would you like to explore any of these elements, perhaps focusing on how Naomi managed to rewrite her essay so quickly, or what might have been in that "tube"?

sindbad


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14
14
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
smitch

I really enjoyed reading "The Other Mitchell, Part 2." I have also read and reviewed the part one and part 2 did an excellent sequel and to say the least you have done an excellent job of ramping up the mystery and paranoia immediately after the previous installment's cliffhanger. This chapter is a very strong transition piece, successfully setting the main character on a clear path with high stakes.
​Overall Impression and Strengths
​The primary strength of this chapter is its urgent pacing and the chilling development of the central conspiracy. The whole segment moves quickly—from dealing with the unconscious Ryan Schuler, to the rushed suit-swap, to the tense waiting period—all of which keeps the reader anxious.
​The chapter solidifies the rules of the "suits" in a compelling way:
​They are incredibly realistic, feeling "so real."
​They take over the personality of the person they are replicating, which explains the new "Mitchell's" strange behavior and the effortless replication of Gordon's mannerisms.
​They cause a period of amnesia in the real wearer ("I've got no memories of even wearing one").
​These details turn the disguise from a simple plot device into a deep, psychological threat.
​Plot Progression and Tension
​The Identity Reveal: Using Ryan Schuler, a minor character ("one of the basketball players"), as the person inside the Mitchell suit is brilliant. It immediately expands the conspiracy beyond Mitchell and Gordon and makes the whole operation seem more organized and random.
​The Sigil/Inscription: The discovery of the circular tattoo or inscription on the inside of the suit's forehead is a pivotal moment. This introduces a potential sci-fi/magical element (a "sigil") that suggests these suits are more than just advanced rubber masks. This is the first tangible clue about the source of the operation.
​The Fake's Awakening: The moment Fake-Gordon (Schuler in the suit) jerks awake and mimics the real Gordon’s temper and dialogue is chilling. It confirms how perfect the personality transfer is and dramatically raises the stakes.
​The New Objective: The text message about the "meeting at the usual place" provides a crucial and immediate narrative hook for Part 3. The protagonist now has a destination and a clear, high-risk plan: infiltrate the meeting.
​Character Dynamics and Dialogue
​The chapter excels at highlighting the deepening tension between Sean (as Mitchell) and Danny (Russo).
​Sean's Paranoia: Sean’s growing fear and frustration culminate in the impulsive, aggressive action of slamming Danny to the floor to check for the neck bump. This is a very effective way to show his frayed nerves and the breakdown of their friendship due to the threat.
​Danny's Ambiguity: Danny's actions are highly suspicious: he stutters, avoids eye contact with Sean, and most notably, shakes his head at the newly activated Fake-Gordon. This strongly implies he is either in on the conspiracy or knows much more than he is letting on. The presence of his brother's black balaclava is a masterful piece of subtle foreshadowing, further linking Danny (or his family) to the mysterious group.
​The dialogue between Fake-Gordon and Sean is also well-handled, particularly the subtle exchange about the meeting venue ("Usual place, I guess?" / "Yeah, usual place,") which forces Sean to admit he is completely out of the loop.
​Suggestions for Improvement
​If you're looking to enhance the chapter before moving to the next part, I have two main suggestions for expanding on existing great ideas:
​Slowing Down the Trust Rebuild: After Sean tackles Danny, the resolution is a little too quick ("You fucking idiot, you only had to ask"). Given that Danny also shook his head at Fake-Gordon and is now caught with a black balaclava, Sean's deep distrust should linger. Consider having Sean keep the balaclava or press Danny harder about his brother's activities, sustaining the paranoia that is currently the story's main engine.
​Expanding the Sigil Detail: Since the inscription is the first physical evidence of the conspiracy's nature, spending a sentence or two more on what the "other language" looks like would add flavor and mystery. Is it alien? Ancient? Does it look like circuitry? For example:
​Instead of: "Words in some other language wound around the top."
​Try: "The script above the name wasn't Latin; it looked like glowing, interwoven circuitry or runes from an ancient, forgotten tongue."
​Overall, this is a very strong middle chapter that successfully complicates the mystery and sets the stage for a compelling next scene. You've earned the high-stakes meeting!

sindbad.


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15
15
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
VMac

This story, "Slearch and Scourge and the Enterprise," is a very creative and darkly effective take on Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, transplanting the classic morality tale into the gritty, desperate world of drug dealing and addiction. It is a powerful piece of writing that succeeds in establishing a unique, compelling atmosphere.
Overall Impression
This is a strong and unique supernatural horror/morality story. The narrative voice is highly engaging, characterized by a dark, cynical humor that perfectly matches the characters' world. The constant repetition and insistence that "Slearch was, in fact, dead" brilliantly builds tension, making the supernatural reveal of his ghost even more shocking. The concept of "shadow souls"—addicts chained to their dealer—is a terrifying and profound fantasy element that provides a powerful metaphor for addiction, co-dependence, and spiritual ruin.
What Works Well
The Narrative Voice and Tone
The immediate, direct address to the reader ("So to begin, the reader must know and fully comprehend...") establishes an almost conspiratorial relationship with the narrator. The voice is cynical, using sharp, dark humor (like Scourge's rationalization for robbing Slearch's corpse: "so that Slearch’s character could not be besmirched by the contents of his pockets"). This tone grounds the story in its sordid reality, making the eventual supernatural elements stand out in stark contrast.
The Reinvention of the Ghost
The introduction of Slearch's ghost is highly original and effective:
* Tech/Supernatural Blend: The sequence of the phone going dead, the unanswerable texts, and the battery-less phone ringing is a masterful use of modern technology to evoke traditional horror. It's truly terrifying because it defies simple explanation.
* The Chains: Slearch's chains are not just metaphorical weight; they are literal links to his customers, the "shadow souls" who eternally whisper, "More, more!" This is a brilliant and impactful interpretation of the ghost's torment, directly tying Slearch's business practices (dealing) to his spiritual damnation.
* The Message: Slearch's goal is not revenge but an urgent, pitiless warning. This maintains the Christmas Carol structure while adapting it to a story about selling addiction rather than financial avarice.
Characterization of Scourge
Scourge is a great anti-hero. He is rational, pragmatic, and utterly self-absorbed. His "compartmentalization" (two residences, varying his route) shows he understands the danger of his world. His first reaction to the ghost is to blame the drugs, and his response to the intervention is to complain that his dope was spilled. This stubborn, transactional focus makes his fear palpable and his conversion (if it comes) all the more earned.
Tips for Improvement
Refining Descriptive Imagery
While the concept of the shadow souls is fantastic, the physical description of them could be slightly expanded to maximize the horror.
* Suggestion: When describing the souls tied to Slearch, give a stronger sensory detail.
* Example: "Tied to Slearch by so many chains were gray figures who had their mouths always opened, yet managed to whisper, 'More, more!' repeatedly..." could be enhanced by: "Tied to Slearch by so many chains were husk-like, gray figures, their mouths perpetually gaping in silent agony, yet managing to whisper, 'More, more!'—a sound like dry paper scraping stone."
Punctuation and Flow
The dialogue and internal thoughts are excellent, but several comma splices and run-on sentences slightly disrupt the flow.
* Example: "The direct route led him past a school and a few churches and was, in truth, only a mile. But he could not go that way." This works, but could be two distinct thoughts.
* Example: "I may have imagined these things. I likely did imagine these things. I am high after all. Yes, yes, that’s it! Why there is more of dope than dopey, old Slearch about you." The punctuation here is a bit dense. It could be smoothed out for easier reading.
Resolving the "Doornail" Analogy
The narrator spends time musing about what makes a person "dead as a doornail" and why Slearch fits, concluding it might be because he was simply "replaced." This is a compelling moment of reflection.
* Suggestion: Bring this analogy back into the final confrontation for a satisfying structural arc. When Slearch's ghost is leaving, Scourge could shout: "You're right, Slearch! You were a doornail! And now you’re a shackled doornail!" This connects the initial abstract thought to the horrific reality of the ghostly chains.
This is a clever and highly engaging story. You have taken a well-known structure and made it feel fresh, terrifying, and relevant to a modern, harsh reality. The final image of the street filled with thousands of chained spirits whispering "More! More!" is a chilling cliffhanger.Ivwill go through more such stories that you have in your portfolio. Such a talented story is not easy to be available, wish you all the best and let creativity flow..sindbad


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16
16
Review of Kinkaid's Heir  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter Five:" Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Kitt

This chapter, "Chapter Five: Kinkaid's Heir," is highly successful in escalating the main romantic conflict. It’s an essential bridge chapter that moves past the initial intense attraction and introduces the crucial external barriers that will keep Sarah and Dean apart, even as their attraction deepens. The use of dual perspectives to show their conflicting intentions is particularly effective.
Overall Impression
Chapter Five solidifies the central romantic and psychological conflict. The plot mechanism of Dean's deliberate, yet disguised, pursuit creates the "accidental" meetings that fuel Sarah's anxiety and attraction. By revealing Dean’s reputation and social status through Amy’s gossip, the author immediately establishes why Sarah, who seeks control and anonymity, views him as a "dangerous" choice. The internal monologue is sharp, highlighting Sarah’s hypocrisy regarding her "therapeutic" motives, which adds depth and humor to her struggle.
What Works Well
Dean’s Strategic Pursuit
Dean's conversation with Allen is excellent for defining his character and his intentions.
* Motivation: Dean’s statement, "I think it's because she's different. She's, I don't know, something more," successfully elevates his pursuit beyond simple physical desire. He’s intrigued by her uniqueness and her lack of response, making him a more compelling romantic lead than a mere womanizer.
* The Plan: His decision to "actively persue her in a way he had never done in the past" via "accidental" meetings is a classic and effective romantic device. It justifies the rapid, near-daily encounters that follow and provides immediate external conflict.
* Allen's Role: Allen acts as Dean's wise, cautious conscience, raising valid red flags ("she seems a might skittish"). This adds necessary tension and foreshadows future difficulties.
The Conflicting Information
The chapter expertly uses information asymmetry to drive the conflict:
* Dean's View: He sees Sarah as uniquely compelling and is trying to woo her slowly.
* Sarah's View: She sees Dean as the "Kinkaid heir and a well known womanizer" who views her as "just another good time girl."
This misunderstanding—the reality of Dean vs. his reputation—is a powerful source of external conflict that will demand resolution.
Sarah's Psychological Struggle
Sarah’s internal debate about using Dean for a "therapeutic" sexual encounter is a moment of fantastic character work.
* Hypocrisy and Humor: Her internal argument—"Yeah, so I had thought about using him for sex myself but that was purely for therapeutic reasons. It's completely different!"—is honest, relatable, and slightly humorous, making her vulnerability feel more authentic.
* The Barrier: Her ultimate decision not to pursue him—because he is a "local fixture" and "practically a damn celebrity"—is a perfect reflection of her need for security and control, driven by her secret identity. She needs a disposable relationship, and the Kinkaid heir is anything but. This elevates the stakes of their intimacy.
Tips for Improvement
Pacing and Summary
The transition from Dean's plan to its execution feels abrupt and relies heavily on summarizing the passage of time ("For the next few weeks Sarah could scarcely go anywhere without running into Dean").
* Suggestion: Instead of summarizing the "next few weeks," you could show one or two more specific, short scenes of their "accidental" meetings (e.g., at the pharmacy, at a local diner). This would let the reader experience Sarah's growing annoyance and Dean's calculated charm, making the frustration she feels in the kitchen feel earned and immediate.
Grammar and Style Polish
The chapter contains several small mechanical and phrasing issues that interrupt the flow of the strong narrative:
* Contractions and Possessives: In dialogue, phrases like "promisin' smile" are fine, but in the narrative, "anything more than friendship' attitude" needs correcting.
* Word Choice: "Hippocracy" should be hypocrisy. "Disabuse her of this idea" is the correct phrase, but in Chapter Five, "set against getting involved with anyone" would be better phrased as "set against getting involved" or "adamantly against getting involved."
* Run-On Sentences: The run-on sentence describing Dean's face: "Dean blinked in surprise his features shifting quickly from annoyed to confused." should be separated: "Dean blinked in surprise; his features shifted quickly from annoyed to confused."
A thorough proofread to tighten these mechanical errors would greatly enhance the polished feel of the writing.
The Fantasy Element
To maintain the promise of the title, you may need to subtly link Sarah's feelings or her past trauma to the Kinkaid name.
* Suggestion: When Sarah is frustrated and accidentally breaks the carton of eggs, her feeling of undue force could be a subtle sign of an inherited or repressed strength. She might briefly think, “I put too much force into that. It wasn't just anger, it was a surge. Where did that come from?" This would begin to connect her volatile emotions to a potential fantasy power, rather than just being a result of stress.
Overall, Chapter Five is highly successful in building the core romantic conflict. You have two strong characters with opposing intentions, and the barriers separating them are now clearly defined, setting up a compelling narrative for the next chapter...sindbad


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17
17
Review of Kinkaid's Heir  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter Four:" Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Kitt

This chapter, "Chapter Four: Kinkaid's Heir," takes a sharp narrative turn, pivoting away from Sarah's internal world to solidify the external conflict and reveal key details about Dean's identity and life. It excels at establishing the Dynasty/Heir conflict central to the story's title and adds immediate pressure to Dean's burgeoning interest in Sarah.
Overall Impression
This is an effective setup chapter that provides necessary background on Dean and the Kinkaid family. The dialogue between Dean and his mother, Victoria Kinkaid, is sharp, immediately defining the stakes: the Kinkaid name is a business, and Dean's life choices are corporate decisions. This chapter brilliantly confirms that Dean is the Kinkaid Heir and sets his immediate goal to "settle down" just after his intense meeting with Sarah, creating perfect dramatic irony and a powerful "forbidden love" element.
What Works Well
Victoria Kinkaid and World-Building
Victoria is an instantly memorable, formidable character. Her "commanding tone" and ability to read her son make her a fantastic matriarch. She doesn't just nag; she lays out the cold, hard economic reality of the Kinkaid ranch—it's the town's backbone. This effectively raises the stakes of Dean's personal life, making his romantic choices a civic matter. This conversation is crucial as it:
* Confirms Dean’s Identity: He is Dean Kinkaid, the heir.
* Explains Dean’s Secrecy: He likely hides his identity to avoid the women who "went after him for his family position and money," as alluded to in Chapter Three.
* Introduces the "Lydia Situation": This hints at a messy past, reinforcing Dean's need for control and caution with new relationships.
The Dramatic Irony
The chapter’s strength lies in its timing. Dean is interrupted by his mother's demand that he "settle down, get married," right after meeting the one woman who has made him feel uncontrollable passion. Victoria is actively planning his marriage while Dean is actively focused on finding out more about Sarah. This gap between their plans promises high-stakes conflict.
Dean's Character Depth
Dean is not a simple rebel. He acknowledges his mother is "right," showing his responsibility and respect for his family duty. His frustration is rooted in his desire for a quick shower to pursue Sarah, not a refusal of his role. This makes him a sympathetic hero facing a genuine internal conflict: duty versus immediate, unexpected desire.
Tips for Improvement
Consistency and Clarity in the Conflict
The chapter brings up the "mess with that... woman" that Victoria is "so disappointed" in. While this is clearly about Lydia, the initial phrasing could be temporarily confusing for the reader, as Dean has just been with Sarah.
* Suggestion: Make the subject of the scolding immediately clear. Victoria could start with, "It seems the situation with Lydia is just increasing in severity," or "The way you handled that breakup is the talk of the town." This prevents the reader from momentarily confusing Lydia with Sarah.
Enhancing Dialogue and Narrative Flow
The exchange is dialogue-heavy, which is good for revealing information quickly, but it could use more variety in sentence structure and pacing.
* "I know mom. You are right okay. You're right." This repetition is believable but slows the pace slightly.
* Suggestion: Use action tags to break up the dialogue and emphasize the unspoken emotional exchange. Instead of repeating "Dean, I know," try: "Dean." This time she was gentle in her interruption, her hand squeezing his shoulder once more. "I know you know, but I need you to behave like you do."
Addressing the Genre Tone (Fantasy Integration)
As with previous chapters, this reads purely as a contemporary Western romance/family drama. Given the title and the expectation of a fantasy element:
* Suggestion: If the Kinkaids have a fantasy aspect, Victoria's motivations should reflect it. Is the need to marry the "right girl" about social standing, or is it about maintaining a bloodline or securing a magical alliance? If it's the latter, Victoria might drop a subtle, cryptic hint:
* Revised Line: "You need to marry the right girl. A strong foundation is needed for the generations to come, Dean. We can't afford any more accidents." This adds a sinister, non-economic layer to her worry.
Proofreading and Mechanics
A few mechanical errors affect the reading flow:
* Victoria Kinkaid is sometimes spelled Kincaid.
* Interuption should be interruption.
* Dessert is spelled desert (referring to the food).
A final polish to ensure consistency in names and spelling will significantly elevate the professionalism of this strong chapter. The core relationship and conflict you’ve established are excellent...sindbad


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18
18
Review of Kinkaid's Heir  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter Three:" Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Kitt

This chapter, "Chapter Three: Kinkaid's Heir," is a powerful entry that successfully transitions the narrative focus from establishing Sarah's professional life to igniting a major romantic and psychological conflict. The chapter is characterized by intense, immediate sexual tension and a significant advancement of Sarah's internal struggle with her trauma and emotional barriers.
Here is a detailed review of the chapter, with tips for potential improvement.
Overall Impression
This chapter is highly engaging and executes the "fated meeting" trope with skill. It’s an excellent piece of romantic drama. The author uses the physical setting of the ranch and the physical activity of riding to create an environment where Sarah’s control is rapidly stripped away. The introduction of Dean is a masterful stroke; he is instantly magnetic and serves as a powerful catalyst, forcing Sarah to confront her emotional and sexual repression. The internal monologue from both Sarah and Dean effectively builds tension and introduces a secondary layer of mystery regarding Dean's true identity.
What Works Well
Immediate, High-Stakes Conflict
The chapter opens and closes with Sarah battling her nerves and trauma, creating an emotional arc for the scene. The moment she links her fear of riding to her father's promise and the "incident" is deeply moving and provides clear motivation for her anxiety.
The Introduction of Dean
Dean is an immediate and effective romantic lead. The description of him is highly sensual, focusing on his strength and rugged handsomeness. The author brilliantly uses Sarah's internal perspective—her thoughts of him being the "sexiest, most ruggedly handsome man" and her immediate, visceral physical response—to shatter her previous reserve ("She had never experienced real sexual attraction"). This is a huge payoff to the character setup in Chapter Two.
Building Sexual Tension
The chapter excels at demonstrating, not just stating, the attraction.
* The Look: The long moment of mutual staring creates an electrifying atmosphere.
* The Touch: The scene where Dean lifts her onto the horse is fantastic. The accidental closeness, his "unconsciously possessive response," and her "alarm at the feelings that raged through her body" perfectly capture a collision of desire and deep-seated fear. The tension is palpable and drives the latter half of the chapter.
* Mutual Awareness: Allowing Dean a viewpoint section (the change in perspective) is smart, as it confirms the attraction is mutual, raising the stakes and making their interaction feel "fated."
The Dean Mystery
Dean’s decision to hide his identity as a Kinkaid (implied by the setting and the title "Kinkaid's Heir") is a great twist. It’s a deliberate misdirection that separates him from the manipulative people he dislikes and creates an intriguing layer of dramatic irony. The reader knows Sarah’s question about him being a "transitory worker" is based on a false premise, which will make the reveal of his true identity even more impactful.
Tips for Improvement
Controlling Descriptive Repetition
While the sexual tension is a strength, the descriptions of the physical attraction become slightly repetitive, particularly the focus on Sarah’s eyes, Dean’s eyes, and her "china doll" or "angelic doll" face.
* Suggestion: Vary the language used to describe Sarah's features. Instead of frequently repeating "wide teal eyes" or "doll-like face," focus on her expressions (confusion, longing, fear) or other parts of her body that respond to the tension (the trembling, the flush).
Refining Dialogue Tags and Internal Monologue
There are several instances of run-on sentences or internal thoughts being awkwardly merged with dialogue tags.
* Example from the text: "No. It’s perfectly fine. I’m looking forward to the lesson very much.” The way he emphasized the last part in his low husky voice made her insides quiver.
* Suggestion: Ensure proper punctuation and separation for smoother reading. Also, look for opportunities to replace passive descriptions of sound (e.g., "Dean's voice was low and husky") with a verb that shows the effect, as you did well elsewhere (e.g., "His voice rumbled, making her insides quiver").
Integrating the Fantasy Element
As noted in the previous review, this chapter reads entirely as a contemporary romance/mystery. If the story is fantasy, Chapter Three is the perfect place to drop a more explicit hint, given the heightened emotional state.
* Suggestion (Subtle Fantasy Hint): When Sarah is focused on Dean's body, or when they touch, perhaps a small, unexplained phenomenon occurs. For instance, when Dean's hands are on her hips, the Bay Mare, Whisper, might suddenly twitch violently, sensing a jolt of energy or emotion that is more than human. This would raise the stakes and link the magical (if it is magic) to their physical intimacy and Dean's nature.
* The title "Kinkaid's Heir" strongly suggests Dean is the heir. The fact that he is working on the Kinkaid ranch confirms the connection. Now, the story needs to clarify what exactly he inherits that is supernatural.
Grammar and Typo Check
The chapter contains several minor spelling and punctuation errors (e.g., "Dean glaced back at her," "feined surprise," inconsistent use of capitalization for proper nouns like "daddy" or "canter"). A careful proofread for mechanics would polish the excellent content.
This is a fantastic chapter that moves the story forward quickly and emotionally. You have successfully created a powerful romantic setup, and the groundwork for a major conflict involving Dean's secret identity has been laid. Now, the next chapter needs to decide if the secret is mundane (just wealth) or fantastical (magic/heritage)...sindbad


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19
19
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi
Mark Tiwo

That's wonderful! Taking on a new genre, especially one as broad as fantasy, is exciting. You should be very proud of the solid foundation you've built.
As you mentioned this is your first attempt at fantasy, I want to offer a specific, two-part review: first, an analysis of the story as it currently reads (a strong contemporary mystery/drama), and second, practical advice on how to integrate the fantasy element you intend to introduce.
Overall Impression & Genre Clarification
Based purely on Chapter Two, you have written a highly effective Contemporary Mystery and Character Drama. The elements—a secret identity, professional success masking personal trauma, small-town dynamics, and the looming danger of discovery—are expertly handled within this grounded genre. If you are aiming for a slow-burn fantasy where the magical elements are revealed later, you've succeeded in establishing a compelling reality that the fantasy can disrupt.
The writing is clear, the dialogue is natural, and your main character, Sarah Logan, is immediately empathetic. You have a great handle on setting mood through internal reflection.
🎯 The Fantasy Pivot
The key to your next revision will be justifying the title, "Kinkaid's Heir," and weaving in the fantastical elements without destroying the rich, grounded setting you've created. Right now, the drama centers entirely on the human trauma of a kidnapping. To make this fantasy, the "incident" or the "heir" status must have non-human or supernatural origins or consequences.
What Works Well (As a Grounded Story)
Strong Character Dynamics
* Doc Harold & Sarah: This relationship is the emotional core of the chapter. Harold’s genuine warmth, his protection of her secret, and the shared, unspoken pain (his wife Mattie’s breakdown) tie them together beautifully. This established trust will make any future plot complications involving Harold or Mattie incredibly impactful.
* Amy: She is a great source of natural, light-hearted conflict. Her desire to matchmake gives Sarah a believable, low-stakes problem to balance her high-stakes secret.
Effective Mystery Building
You handle the reveal of Sarah's background skillfully. The information is dripped out naturally through her thoughts and conversations:
* She is Sarah Logan, but was Seraphim Kennedy.
* She was kidnapped eighteen years ago.
* The trauma prevents her from riding horses.
* The trauma caused collateral damage (Mattie’s institutionalization).
This technique of hinting at a dark history keeps the reader engaged and wondering who kidnapped her and why she is hiding now.
Pacing and Structure
The chapter excels at shifting focus. You move smoothly from the clinic’s success (showing her competence) to the personal drama (Amy’s visit, dinner invite) to the deep trauma (Harold’s wife, the horseback riding suggestion). This prevents the chapter from feeling monotonous.
Integrating the Fantasy Element: Tips for Revision
Since you are intending this to be a fantasy story, here are some ways you can start to lay that groundwork in this chapter, ensuring it doesn't just feel like a regular mystery that suddenly turns weird:
1. Introduce a Sensory Detail
Fantasy works best when the strange elements are felt rather than told.
* Suggestion: When Sarah enters the newly renovated clinic or her own home, give her a momentary, unsettling sensory experience that can be explained later.
* Example: When Amy talks about the cords beneath the desk, Sarah notices a single, impossible shadow that seems to coil, like a snake, though no light source could cause it. Or, when she cuddles Rufus, the dog reacts strangely, sensing something in her that others cannot.
2. Connect the Trauma to the Power
Make the "incident" more than just a human crime. If she is the "Heir," she likely inherited something.
* Suggestion: Rephrase the moment Doc Harold suggests riding:
* Original thought: "She had loved riding as a child but that was before."
* Revision: Perhaps the horse riding was a way she controlled or used her power, and the kidnapping severed that link. The fear of riding isn’t just trauma; it’s the fear of reawakening something dangerous or uncontrollable.
3. Change Doc Harold's Warning
Harold is the one holding the secret key. Make his concern more cryptic and less purely emotional.
* Suggestion: When he discourages her from visiting Mattie, make his reasoning sound like a warning about their secret, not just Mattie's mental state.
* Example: Instead of, “She isn’t herself Sarah. She doesn’t recognize anyone and is often…violent,” try: “She isn’t herself, Sarah. The change in her happened when... when it was taken from you. She doesn't recognize anyone, and if she sees you now, it could break the control. You can’t risk exposure, not yet.” This implies a magical transaction or consequence.
4. A Subtle World-Building Detail
Since you’re in Texas, you can use local color to hide a hint of the fantastical.
* Suggestion: When Sarah is admiring the renovation, add a detail about a strange item Doc Harold insisted on leaving behind, perhaps a clock that only ticks backward or a decorative object that glows momentarily when Sarah touches it. This is a visual breadcrumb for the reader.
Keep writing! You have created a compelling character and a great setting. Now, you just need to decide how the magic you envision will break through this reality.
Do you know what the "Kinkaid" inheritance is? If you'd like, we could brainstorm a small, subtle piece of imagery for your opening scene that hints at the fantastic nature of her secret...sindbad


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20
20
Review of Kinkaid's Heir  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter Two:" Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Kitt

This chapter, "Chapter Two: Kinkaid's Heir," does a good job of furthering the narrative and deepening the reader's understanding of the main character, Sarah Logan (formerly Seraphim Kennedy). The writing is clear and the pacing is steady, effectively setting the scene for Sarah's new life while keeping the lingering mystery of her past active.
Here is a detailed review of the chapter, with tips for potential improvement.
Overall Impression
This is a strong, character-driven chapter that successfully establishes Sarah's new pediatric practice and introduces her key relationships in town, particularly with her receptionist Amy and the retiring doctor, Doc Harold. The dual narrative thread—Sarah’s success as a doctor and her secret identity as a kidnapping survivor—is handled well, creating a quiet tension that underlies her seemingly successful return home. The conversations feel natural, and the author does an excellent job of showing Sarah's internal life, especially her anxieties about trust, relationships, and the trauma of the past "incident."
What Works Well
Character Development
* Sarah Logan/Seraphim Kennedy: Her character is complex and immediately sympathetic. We see her dedication and competence as a young, fully certified pediatrician, which immediately undercuts the doubts she anticipates from parents. Simultaneously, the internal monologue reveals her vulnerability: her fear of being discovered, her struggle with the lingering effects of the kidnapping, and her emotional reserve regarding personal relationships. The detail about her youthful appearance, which she shares with her mother, is a nice, grounding character touch.
* Amy: Amy is a wonderful foil and support character. She is warm, organized, and genuinely invested in Sarah's happiness, even if it leads to some well-meaning (and amusingly disastrous) matchmaking attempts. She provides a sense of normalcy and grounding for Sarah.
* Doc Harold: He serves as a vital anchor to Sarah’s past and present. His protection of her secret, his endorsement to the community, and his role as a surrogate father/confidant make him a critical and endearing character. His personal tragedy regarding his wife, Mattie, is a poignant addition that deepens his character and connects him to Sarah's own trauma.
Plot and Pacing
* Smooth Transitions: The chapter effectively covers the clinic remodel, the successful first day, and an evening conversation with Doc Harold. The pacing is deliberate, focusing on dialogue and internal thought rather than action, which suits the story’s emphasis on Sarah’s emotional state.
* The Unspoken Past: The details about Sarah’s past—the kidnapping eighteen years ago, the need for secrecy, the mention of her mother, and the trauma surrounding horses—are woven into the narrative organically. They are not delivered in a clumsy information dump but revealed naturally as Sarah reflects on her life and her therapist's advice.
* The Mattie Subplot: The reveal about Doc Harold’s wife, Mattie, and her breakdown after "the incident" is a powerful moment. It not only explains Harold's protectiveness but also suggests that the fallout of Sarah's kidnapping affected more people in the town than just her immediate family, subtly expanding the story's scope and consequences.
Tips for Improvement
Show, Don't Tell (Aesthetic Details)
The description of the clinic is very clear about the intent of the remodel ("Cheerful but clean," "fun colors," "brand new exciting looking toys"), but it could be more visceral.
* Suggestion: Instead of summarizing, try to describe a specific detail. For example, instead of "The interior walls were decorated tastefully but brightly in fun colors," you could try: "A mural of cheerful, oversized jungle animals stretched across the back wall of the waiting room, and the examination rooms were painted a calming, buttery yellow." This makes the atmosphere concrete for the reader.
Dialogue Tags and Mechanics
The dialogue is mostly strong, but a few lines could be tightened to avoid repetition and clarify who is speaking.
* Example from the text: “Thanks Amy.” I have to admit it does look pretty good Sarah admitted to herself.
* Suggestion: Keep the internal thought separate from the dialogue tag for clarity and a smoother read. For example: “Thanks Amy.” Sarah smiled. I have to admit it does look pretty good, she thought.
Pacing and Emphasis
The paragraphs detailing Sarah’s past, her therapist's advice, and her lack of sexual attraction are important for characterization, but they appear in a dense block of internal monologue near the end.
* Suggestion: Consider breaking up this information, perhaps by weaving the therapist's advice earlier or later, or by letting the horseback riding idea prompt the reflection, which could then lead naturally to her relationship struggles. This will prevent the ending from feeling like a summary of her psychological state and will keep the action flowing.
Clarity on "The Incident"
The term "the incident" is used multiple times as a stand-in for the kidnapping trauma. While the author is deliberately vague to maintain the mystery, too many uses can make the prose feel a little guarded.
* Suggestion: Vary the language slightly, perhaps with terms like "that time," "the ordeal," or "the abduction" in Sarah’s internal thoughts to keep the language fresh while still being clearly about the traumatic event.
Overall, this chapter is a successful and insightful continuation of the story, driven by a compelling, well-developed protagonist. The pieces are all in place for the central conflict—Sarah’s secret versus her new life—to begin playing out...sindbad


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21
21
Review of Kinkaid's Heir  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter One:" Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Kitt

A Detailed Review of "Kinkaid's Heir: Chapter One"
"Kinkaid's Heir: Chapter One" immediately establishes its central character and conflict, leaning heavily on Drama and Emotional themes within a Romance/Love context. The chapter focuses entirely on a highly antagonistic breakup and the frustration it causes the protagonist.
Plot and Pacing
The plot is extremely focused, revolving around a single, frustrating argument and its immediate aftermath:
* The Confrontation: The chapter opens in media res with Dean Kinkaid confronting Lydia, a woman he has decided to end a brief affair with. The setting is the barn of the ranch, which highlights Dean's working environment and provides a witness, Allen, the foreman.
* Dean's Justification: Through Dean's internal monologue and dialogue, the reader learns his side of the story: he was always clear about their relationship being a "fun fling," and he feels Lydia is being dishonest or manipulative by now claiming love and promises.
* Lydia's Reaction: Lydia reacts hysterically, crying, clinging, and "blubbering incoherently." This confirms Dean's worst fears about her and validates his desire to end the relationship, even as he is unable to detach from her physically.
* Resolution and Frustration: Dean manages to steer Lydia away, drawing a sharp contrast between his aggressive demeanor towards her and his subsequent frustration with his foreman. The chapter concludes with Dean engaging in strenuous physical labor to clear his head, signifying his need to process his frustration.
The pacing is appropriate for a tense, emotional scene, but it risks feeling static because the entire chapter is dedicated to one conversation, repeatedly reinforcing the same points about Dean's honesty and Lydia's clinginess.
Character Development
* Dean Kinkaid: Dean is the clear protagonist and is established as a gruff, brutally honest, and commanding figure, but one who is out of his depth with intense emotion.
* Strengths: His character voice is clear, demonstrating frustration and self-justification. His immediate need for physical labor after the emotional confrontation is a good indicator of his personality—he deals with problems through force or work, not emotional intelligence.
* Weaknesses: Dean’s internal analysis of Lydia is excessively harsh, describing her as "tawdry," "crass and cheap," and "worse than an octopus." While this shows his frustration, the level of disdain makes him somewhat unsympathetic. He critiques her appearance and personality in judgmental terms, which may make the reader question his self-proclaimed honesty about his own mistakes.
* Lydia: She serves as the antagonist of this chapter. She is defined entirely by her hysterical, clinging reaction ("worse than an octopus") and her emotional instability, which makes Dean look for a graceful exit. Her character is a stereotype of the desperate, clingy ex-lover, lacking nuance.
* Allen (The Foreman): Allen is a great secondary character, serving as a silent observer and moral barometer. His calculated wince, shrug, and measured look after Dean dismisses Lydia all communicate Dean’s poor reputation with women and the foreman’s silent judgment.
Themes and Style
* Honesty vs. Miscommunication: Dean’s core conflict is his inability to make his "abruptly and brutally honest" thoughts clear to Lydia. This explores the idea that even the clearest intentions can be misinterpreted when emotions are involved.
* Emotional Incompetence: Dean's response to the crisis is entirely physical and aggressive—first harsh words, then a literal kick, and finally grueling work. He is clearly not an emotionally equipped character, setting up potential future drama.
* Ranch Setting: The brief but effective use of the ranch setting (barn, mare, hay bails) firmly grounds Dean in a masculine, practical world that contrasts with the emotional drama.
Areas for Improvement
* Show, Don't Tell: The author frequently tells the reader about Dean's character traits rather than demonstrating them (e.g., "Dean prided himself on his ability to keep his relationships with women casual and short term"). A more active voice throughout could strengthen the narrative.
* Protagonist Sympathy: The constant, overtly judgmental narration about Lydia's physical appearance and personality ("cheap looking blond," "tawdry") makes Dean seem unnecessarily cruel, even if his core intent was honest. The narrative should focus more on his sense of regret or frustration with the mistake rather than solely on Lydia's flaws to make him more relatable.
* Clarity on the Affair: The text implies the relationship was only one night ("We only spent the one evening together and that was it!"). If the affair was this short, it should be clarified earlier, as the intensity of Lydia's week-long harassment and Dean's self-reflection feels disproportionate to a single evening encounter.
Conclusion
"Kinkaid's Heir: Chapter One" is a functional introduction to a difficult protagonist. It successfully sets up the core conflict of Dean's inability to manage emotional relationships and clearly defines his gruff personality and the ranch setting. The chapter ends with a feeling of unresolved frustration that strongly suggests the drama with Lydia is far from over, opening the door for the main plot of the "Heir" to begin...sindbad


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22
22
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
The Phantom

Here is a detailed review of "Natasha & Naomi: Girl's Night Out"
"Natasha & Naomi: Girl's Night Out" is a lighthearted piece centered around the dynamics of a friend group and a comedic eating challenge. Classified as Fantasy, Friendship, and Other, the story successfully utilizes character contrast and a clear, linear plot to deliver a fun and focused narrative.
Plot and Pacing
The story follows three friends—Ruth, Taylor, and Naomi—during a dinner that Ruth is paying for as a thank you. The plot moves through a clear progression:
* Introduction and Establishing Dynamics: The initial dialogue establishes the generous Ruth, the edgy and pragmatic Taylor, and the shy but ravenous Naomi. Naomi's appetite is immediately highlighted when she is tempted to order both chicken and salmon.
* The Problem of Appetite: After eating her first two meals, Naomi is still hungry, creating a dilemma as Ruth refuses to pay for more food. This sets the stage for the challenge.
* The Big Larry Challenge: Taylor suggests the "Big Larry" eating challenge as a solution to get a free meal. The challenge itself becomes the central conflict, generating tension and drawing in spectators.
* The Climax and Resolution: Naomi struggles but, with the help of Taylor's subtle cheating (eating the fries) and Ruth's encouragement (and a timely "tummy rub" to spur her on), she finishes the giant burger and wins. The story ends on a high note with Naomi's victory, the bill being cleared, and the menu item being renamed "The Big Naomi."
The pacing is excellent. The story is concise and wastes little time, jumping from the initial meal to the challenge, which takes up the majority of the word count.
Character Dynamics
The strongest element of the story is the clear and contrasting characterization, which makes their dialogue and interactions fun:
* Naomi: The protagonist and the shy one, easily embarrassed ("I-I'm sorry! I'll pay for my extras"), yet possessing a surprisingly immense and embarrassing appetite. She is the sympathetic character whose success the reader roots for. Her extreme physical reactions (salivating, trembling, belching, dazed look) are a central focus.
* Ruth: The sensible and generous friend. She is the "straight man" to the others' antics, huffing at Taylor's edge and Naomi's gluttony. Her concern over the cost drives the initial tension, and her ultimate willingness to help Naomi win (even if grudgingly) shows her underlying loyalty.
* Taylor: The edgy, quick-witted instigator. She is pragmatic and solution-oriented, quickly suggesting the challenge and then secretly cheating to ensure Naomi's victory. Her commentary provides much of the story's humorous dialogue ("Yeah, the edgy moocher thing is all mine!").
The three characters create a solid, entertaining dynamic, with Taylor and Ruth acting as a foil to each other as they rally around Naomi.
Themes and Style
* Friendship and Acceptance: The core theme is the strong bond between the friends. Despite Ruth's grumbling, she and Taylor fully support Naomi in her embarrassing moment, ultimately focusing on her success over rules or money. Ruth's reluctant tummy rub and Taylor's cheering are key moments of unconditional support.
* Humor and Focus on the Physical: The story focuses heavily on the comedic physical aspects of gluttony. Naomi's "slightly bulging stomach," "overstuffed belly," and frequent belches are emphasized, along with the detailed description of the burger itself ("huge 8 pound quadruple hamburger"). This indicates a focus on specific, fetishistic aspects of eating.
Areas for Improvement
* Dialogue Tags and Action: While the dialogue is strong in establishing character, the action sometimes relies heavily on dialogue tags for exposition (e.g., "Ruth just looked at Taylor in disdain," "Naomi looked like she was concentrating hard"). Varying the descriptions of action around the dialogue would create a more dynamic scene.
* Naming Consistency: The title includes "Natasha & Naomi," but the character Natasha is never mentioned in the text; only Ruth, Taylor, and Naomi appear. This is a noticeable inconsistency that should be corrected, either by changing the title or adding a character named Natasha.
* Clarity of the "Fantasy" Tag: The story is classified as "Fantasy," but the events are grounded in reality (an eating challenge). Unless Naomi has a supernatural ability to eat vast amounts of food, the "Fantasy" tag seems inappropriate and could be misleading. "Humor" or "Slice of Life" would be better classifications.
Conclusion
"Natasha & Naomi: Girl's Night Out" is a fun, character-driven narrative that successfully executes its premise—a high-stakes eating contest among friends. The well-defined personalities of Ruth, Taylor, and Naomi create an enjoyable, low-conflict dynamic, and the focus on the physical comedy of the challenge makes it entertaining. The story is complete, satisfying, and closes with a fitting sense of achievement and friendship...sindbad


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23
23
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi
Kåre เลียม Enga

This is a concise and moving tribute poem that uses the language of chemistry to explore a profound student-teacher relationship.
Review of "Arsenic"
The piece is powerful for its sustained use of the periodic table and chemical terminology as a metaphor for the author's internal life and the teacher's positive influence.
Strengths
* Extended Metaphor: The core strength lies in the masterful use of chemistry to express emotion. The author initially identifies with "arsenic," a poison representing their "meekness and fears," and a "rare earth no one needed."
* The Teacher as Catalyst: Mr. Mysliwiec is presented as the chemical agent that stabilized the author's life. He is likened to "lithium," a mood stabilizer, which "pulled me through adolescence." The teacher helps the student embrace the "protons" (core) and understand the "neglected neutrons" (hidden self) of their atom/identity.
* The Arsenic Test: The final act of giving the student arsenic to test is a brilliant metaphor. It signifies the teacher's trust and faith that the student has been sufficiently stabilized (by the "lithium" of their teaching) and matured to handle the "poison" of their former self without succumbing to it.
* Emotional Climax: The poem concludes with a beautiful statement of shared humanity: “It was the chemistry of teacher and student, both suffering through high school... just the same.” This suggests a deep, unspoken understanding that transcended academics.
Suggestion for Improvement
* Pacing and Line Breaks (Poetic Structure): While presented in prose blocks, the piece reads as a free verse poem. For maximum emotional impact, breaking the long sentences into more deliberate, shorter lines could enhance the rhythm and highlight the chemical and emotional keywords. For example, breaking the fifth paragraph:
In the periodic table I was some rare earth no one needed.
I sure wasn't gold,
yet your lithium pulled me through adolescence,
the valences of elements,
the fickle static of electrons,
helped me embrace the core of their protons,
understand the neglected neutrons of atoms.

Overall Impression

"Arsenic" is a highly effective and unique tribute. It skillfully weaves personal anecdotes (the broken wrists, the scholarship exam) with scientific language to create a deeply resonant portrait of mentorship. The piece is both intellectually clever and genuinely heartfelt...sindbad


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24
24
Review of The Sword of Elam  Open in new Window.
for entry "Summons" Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
Rob Hunston

Detailed Review and Analysis: "Summons"
This chapter, "Summons," is a focused and action-packed continuation of Kedor's character arc, immediately following the revelation of his secret competence in "The Mask." It shifts the narrative from political observation to intense, private training and sets up the next crucial turn in his path to power.
1. Character and Skill Development
The core of the chapter is a training session that validates and escalates the twist from "The Mask."
* Kedor's True Skill: We now see Kedor in action without the restraints of his "fop" persona. He is "thickly thewed," with "thick muscles rippling," confirming his physical prowess. His training is constant and intense, having taken place every morning since age five, explaining his mastery of defense.
* Introduction of Shikha (The Bodyguard): Shikha is the most intriguing new character. She is a powerful, almost supernatural warrior—an amazon with "feline grace," jade eyes split by vertical pupils, and body covered in temporary henna tattoos that seemingly darken with hostility. Her whispered lines ("Rakshana," "Children of the Tiger") suggest a mystical, warrior caste that Kedor has secretly been trained into.
* The Fighting Style: The fighting is fast and evocative. The use of tulwars (curved swords) and the description of the fight as a "dance" that melds "all martial forms, including magic," firmly establishes that Kedor's fighting style is not merely physical, but also involves esoteric elements. This links back to the high-level magic discussed in "Terah am Shem" and the divine conflict of the Prologue.
* The Rakshana Title: Shikha’s declaration that Kedor is now "Rakshana, in all but the ritual tattooing" and is "entitled to wear the crossed talwars" is the chapter's main development. This is a rite of passage, forcing Kedor to choose whether to drop his "Mask" and accept the danger and expectations that come with being an openly formidable heir. The phrase, "Oh, how I’ve waited for this moment!" confirms his long-held ambition.
2. Narrative Structure and Pacing
The chapter is split into three effective acts:
* The Training Scene: A highly visual, dynamic action sequence that establishes Kedor's skill and the mystical nature of his training. The use of light and shadow, combined with Shikha's feline description, creates palpable tension.
* The Internal Debate: Kedor's private deliberation about the consequences of accepting the Rakshana mantle. This maintains the political tension from "The Mask" and clarifies that his fop image was a deliberate defense mechanism.
* The Summons: The arrival of the nervous guardsman introduces the third key figure in Kedor's life: the Mistress of the Household (his grandmother, as revealed by the final line). Her authority is absolute, signaling a new, immediate threat/opportunity that forces Kedor's choice.
3. Relation to Previous Chapters
This chapter focuses on the internal, personal preparation for the war established in the previous two chapters.
* To "The Mask": "Summons" is the fulfillment of the promise made in "The Mask." It shows how Kedor became the secret master of martial arts glimpsed previously, transitioning his competence from a momentary surprise to a central character trait. It explains the "bulk" and "ropy muscles" Kindatu observed.
* To "Terah am Shem": The mention of martial forms "including magic" connects Kedor's private training to the massive magical forces wielded by Terah am Shem and the Gibbor'im Magi. Kedor's destiny is not just to be a political leader, but a magically and martially capable one, placing him as a fitting "weapon" against the formidable Nephil'im and their allies.
* New Players: The introduction of the Mistress of the Household (Grandmother) adds another powerful layer to the House of Shem's hierarchy, revealing that Kindatu is not the sole power-broker. Her summons forces Kedor to leave his training and engage with the inner court politics.
4. Overall Impression and Tips for Improvement
"Summons" is a compelling and well-executed chapter. It successfully deepens the protagonist's background, introduces a fascinating, powerful mentor/bodyguard, and creates immediate forward momentum toward the next significant encounter.
| Aspect | Evaluation | Tip for Improvement |
|---|---|---|
| Characterization | Excellent. Shikha is an exciting addition. Kedor's inner turmoil is realistic and raises the stakes of his decisions. | The exact nature of Rakshana—its origin, its connection to Elam, and the "mystical vein" lessons—should be quickly elaborated upon to fully leverage its significance. |
| Action & Imagery | Very Strong. The language used for Shikha (feline, dappled tawny skin, jade eyes) is vivid, making the training scene memorable and highly visual. | N/A. The flow of the fight is excellent, clearly showing Kedor's defensive strength against Shikha's offensive speed. |
| Pacing | Effective. The chapter ends on a sharp cliffhanger with the grandmother's summons, guaranteeing the reader will want to continue. | The transition from the internal debate to the guard's interruption is sharp and drives the plot forward with urgency. |
The immediate tension is now focused on the coming meeting. Grandmother beckons and all leap to respond—and Kedor must decide whether to face her as the fop or as a newly revealed Rakshana warrior...sindbad


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25
25
Review of The Sword of Elam  Open in new Window.
for entry "Terah am Shem" Open in new Window.
Review by sindbad Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with disABILITY WRITERS GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi
Rob Hunston

This is a detailed review of the chapter "Terah am Shem" and I did decipher the relation to the previous chapter, "The Mask."

Detailed Review of "Terah am Shem"
The chapter "Terah am Shem" shifts the narrative focus entirely, introducing the story's geopolitical landscape and its connection to the powerful mythological/political House of Shem, which was introduced in the previous chapter through Kindatu and Bardia am Shem. It serves as a strong point-of-view chapter, utilizing the perspective of the antagonist, Sebu, to reveal the true scale of the power struggles.
1. New Setting and Political Conflict
The chapter opens at a bustling port on the Ufratu River (likely the Euphrates), signaling a move from the splendor of Susa (seen in "The Mask") to a major trade and transit hub, possibly Babel (Babylon) or another city in Shin'ar (Sumer/Mesopotamia).
* The Antagonist's POV: We are introduced to Sebu, the Grand Vizier of Babel, brother to King Nimrod, and Heir to the Throne of Shin'ar. He represents the rival power structure in this world: House Ham.
* The Conflict: Sebu's fury over the Harbormaster's deliberate insult—being denied the private pier and forced to dock with common merchants—establishes a clear, intense political rivalry between House Ham (Sebu/Nimrod/Babel) and House Shem (Terah/Kindatu/Susa). This is not just personal pique; it is an open challenge to the authority and prestige of Babel's ruling family.
2. Mythological and Magical World-Building
The narrative quickly escalates from political squabble to a confrontation involving immense magical power, directly connecting to the overarching mythological themes.
* Sebu's Reaction: Sebu's initial anger immediately turns to deep foreboding and fear upon sensing the incoming presence. This switch is highly effective, transforming a petty political annoyance into a moment of genuine terror.
* The Gibbor'im: Sebu's bodyguards are identified as Gibbor'im, a name often used interchangeably with Nephil'im or "mighty men" in ancient texts. Sebu is also a "Magi of the Gibbor'im Tribe." This is a critical detail: the faction opposing Kindatu's empire is directly linked to the very giants El sought to destroy, confirming the main story's conflict is playing out on the human stage through proxy wars between these two Houses.
* Master Mages: Sebu's internal monologue sets up a hierarchy of magical power by comparing the arriving Terah am Shem to the two most powerful sorcerers he has encountered:
* Anab, patriarch of the Anak'im: A "pure descendant of the Eloh'im" and High Counselor to the Council of the Nephil'im. This confirms that the Nephil'im have a formal, powerful leadership structure and divine ancestry.
* Shem: The founder of House Shem and High Mage of the Chaldean School.
* Terah am Shem: The new arrival whose power is "as immense as the other two," but possessing a "wild, uncontrolled quality." This makes Terah an unpredictable and terrifying new threat.
3. Relation to the Previous Story ("The Mask")
The primary connection lies in the House of Shem and the establishment of the geopolitical battle lines.
* House Shem: Kindatu am Shem (the Shahanshah) from "The Mask" and Terah am Shem from this chapter are members of the same powerful lineage. "The Mask" showed the internal stability and cunning of this empire (represented by Kedor's trickery). "Terah am Shem" now reveals the external threat—a rivalry with House Ham—and introduces a colossal figure of power (Terah) who is clearly central to Kindatu's administration.
* The Stakes: "The Mask" concerned Kedor's fitness to rule the existing empire. "Terah am Shem" raises the stakes by showing that this empire is actively and openly challenged by a rival nation (Shin'ar) led by a family (House Ham) that employs and is allied with the forces of the Gibbor'im/Nephil'im.
In essence:
* "The Mask" (House Shem Internal): Cunning and preparation for war.
* "Terah am Shem" (House Ham External): Confrontation and the raw magical power of the enemy.
4. Overall Impression and Tips for Improvement
The chapter is a success, effectively introducing a new setting, a compelling antagonist (Sebu), and immediately escalating the stakes with the presence of immense magical power.
| Aspect | Evaluation | Tip for Improvement |
|---|---|---|
| Pacing & Action | Excellent. The initial frustration and shouting give way to sudden fear and an ominous description of the approaching fleet and power. | The closing line ("Oblivious, Sebu made his way...") is slightly ambiguous. Since he is staring at the raft, he is not oblivious to the threat; the word may be intended to mean "ignoring the panicked crowd," but this should be clarified. |
| World-Building | Superb. The use of specific names and titles (Nimrod, Shin'ar, Gibbor'im, Anak'im, Eloh'im) builds a rich, ancient mythological setting that feels authentic and deep. | The sheer number of proper nouns introduced in two pages is high. The narrative will need to provide context for these names quickly to prevent reader confusion about who belongs to which House (Shem vs. Ham) and which faction (Human vs. Nephil'im). |
| Character | Effective. Sebu is established as a powerful, arrogant politician who is secretly terrified of true magical power, making him a complex antagonist. | N/A. Sebu's perspective is a fantastic vehicle for exposition. |
The chapter firmly positions the story's conflict as an ancient, mythological war between the descendants of Shem and the forces allied with Ham/the Nephil'im, fought through the grand political structures of their respective empires...sindbad


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