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1
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Review of Contest Entries  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter One: The Sign" Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, Munchomonster- Octoprep Author Icon, and thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work. This is a re-review per your request. I hope you find it helpful. *Smile*

First Impressions:
I like the change of tense from past to present. It seems to help you write active voice more comfortably.

I noticed more imagery, which I enjoyed. I could still use more. I have a feel for the surroundings, the words on the sign, and the fact that they were in some sort of vehicle when they arrived. I still don't know what Daisy and Efrikia look like (other than E's black hair), what the sign looks like (e.g., colors, materials of construction), and what the portal looks like when it opens. I did, however, like the description of what it was like to be in the portal, which is your most vivid and descriptive imagery in the whole piece.

Dialog
You dip a little into "As you know, Bob" territory occasionally (link below if you're not familiar.) Examples:

Of course, we had to face a troll driving all the way out here. That troll was satisfied by that toy Mace. Can you believe the look on its face?

You are a descendant of the rumored great dragon. I hear he still lives today.


https://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors.com/as-you...

Protagonist's Name
Thank you for providing Efrikia's name. It didn't feel organic, though. I realize I asked for it, lol, so if I'm nitpicking, disregard. As a reader, I want their name, but if I'm talking to my friend, I don't say their name very often. On reflection, I use it primarily to get their attention ("Suzie! Come look at this!") or to express a big emotional response ("OMG, Lucy, you won?! So exciting!? or "Are you serious right now, David?! I can't believe you just said that!") On the other hand, I have an aunt who says my name during a conversation like every other sentence. Since Daisy isn't like my aunt, I'd expect it in one of the former scenarios.

Plot
As before, I'm intrigued by the sign, Efrikia's heritage, and what is going to happen on the other side of the portal.

Cheers,
Michelle


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2
2
Review of Contest Entries  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter One: The Sign" Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Your opening is intriguing. I'm curious to know why your MC is drawn to it, and why it would be worth so much.

Active voice:

Some of your sentences might benefit from active voice. Passive voice is wordy and backwards, which can contribute to losing your reader to confusion or, worse, boredom from a lagging pace, especially if you use it a lot.

Examples;

All there was were woods and a sign.

I was drawn to it.

It had been 1,000 years since any portals to the other world had opened.

Ambiguity/confusion:

So, I read this paragraph like five times before I figured out why it sounded like the sign said, “Ouch! Oh my chest, I’m bleeding!” 😆

I think it's here: "I twirled my long, black hair with my right hand and put it on top of the sign." I thought the protagonist was saying she(?) put her hair on the sign. Therefore, I thought she cast a spell or something that caused the sign to bleed.

Phrasing:

thief in crime

I think you were trying to avoid a cliché and create a new way to say it, which I totally approve of and support!!! but this phrase didn't work for me. Does it mean that daisy is the thief and the protagonist is in charge of the crime? I had a hard time making sense of the meaning.

Dialog:

Your use of "fudge"was interesting. Since both characters used it, I'm wondering if it's something related to the world.

Setting:

I couldn't pin down whether this was urban fantasy taking place on an alternate Earth (clues: $1000, World War 1, field, signs, and they appearto be driving a car) or an entirely fabricated fantasy world (clues: goblins/ ghosts, WW1 was 1000 yrs ago, great dragon, portal). I could have used more setting description since it's evident that it's not the world I live in. I'd love to know more.

That said, I'm intrigued about the great dragon and your protagonist, and this world of portals. Any chance you were inspired by Wheel of Time?

One final suggestion: I would have liked to know the protagonist's name. Maybe Daisy could say it at some point?

Great work ending on a cliffhanger! What has our dynamic duo gotten themselves into??


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3
3
Review of Mayday  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello, Amethyst SkellyBones Angel Author Icon, and thank you for allowing me the opportunity to review your work.

Again, you kick off your work with good use of active voice and vivid imagery. An opportunity to improve this:

After a few minutes, she was able to breathe easier.

You could just say, "she breathed easier" here.

The active voice and imagery improved as the story progressed, like maybe you were warming up in the first half. Examples: "Doubts clouded Dan's mind" / "Aging streetlights dappled him with oscillating waves of orange glow." / "His words fell into the silence" / "rhythmic blasts of bass sound waves hit them like a tsunami" / "Time dragged". This seems to come naturally to you once you get rolling.

Dialog:

Did Emily actually say "worthless POS" (as in, "pee oh ess")? Not that it's not possible, but I've only ever seen that in text.

The conversation about the nightclub sounded a little, "as you know, Bob". (*Reference below if you're not familiar.) Examples: "He may have reapplied, having worked there previously. Even the next line is a little obvious - "Or a buddy might know where he's living" when Emily just said, "He probably still has friends there." I feel like you're spelling out for the reader things that an average reader could infer on their own, and you're doing it with dialog your characters would be unlikely to organically say.

*https://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors.com/as-you...

In contrast, this felt like you could have included more details in the dialog:

"We're private investigators. We need to speak with the owner about Ronnie. We think he kidnapped Selene, the amber alert. He's her father."

My question here is, who is Mark, and why does Dan assume Mark would know who the heck Ronnie is, when Dan has never even heard of this club before? Yes, Mark works there, but Dan doesn't know for how long, nor whether Ronnie has even applied or been rehired. You could add a couple extra lines of dialog to clarify that for readers, because those are questions Mark and Dan probably have for each other, too.

"Dan breathlessly allowed Mark to lead them" - Nitpick here, but I feel like Dan AND Reema should be allowing Mark to lead them.

"I wonder what he meant about a guard." I wasn't sure why this was necessary. Did you feel the need to remind us about the guard? If so, FYI, I definitely didn't forget. I'm watching them speed through the moonlit countryside hoping they're both armed and wondering if they should have brought Selene's mom and armed her, too. The dialog didn't feel natural, because if I were Reema and overheard that Ronnie had stashed a guard there, I'd assume there's an armed person keeping people out. I wouldn't wonder if my assumption was wrong.

Then I got to the part where the guard wasn't an armed person keeping people out, and I felt like maybe you were trying to foreshadow that earlier. It still felt awkward. As a reader, I think the fact that it's a dog instead of an armed person was a bit of a plot twist and didn't need foreshadowing.

"crying mayday" - this was a cute way to circle back and connect the beginning to the resolution.

A general comment about the dialog: I felt like Reema didn't talk enough, especially after reading the other story where she's clearly an outspoken character.

Plot:

The premise was good, but the tension could have been stronger. This feels like a background story that sets up your characters nicely, and if that's the goal, it's fine. As a standalone story about a missing girl, however, the rising action on this felt rushed. It was too easy to resolve the conflict, especially for first-time PI's investigating a crime the police have been unsuccessfully working on for three days. It was too coincidental that the pair showed up just in time to hear the culprit's confession, which included literal driving directions to the hideout. It's so hard to do this, because you get to know your characters so well that you don't want to torture them.... but you need to torture them!!! Really throw some curveballs and put them in messes that look hopeless.

I don't mean to imply there was no tension, though. I was nervous while they were driving to the crypt. Maybe having the dog unchained and actually chasing them would have been a good complication. Or having the child locked in something, so they would have to figure out how to break her out. Maybe Ronnie noticed the couple looking at him before they left the nightclub, and he and his cronies chased them to the crypt (car chase down that moonlit road!), and there's a gunfight in the woods surrounding the old church, but the drunk idiots get in their own way... after you make us really nervous with other problems, like, maybe one of the PI's gets injured? It could be something non-serious in itself, like a sprained ankle, but it takes away their advantage in the fight, and maybe Reema and Dan have to separate. Gunshot wound or something equally serious might create a situation where our heroes have to choose between getting Reema to a hospital or saving the girl... classic ticking clock scenario. And then the dog gets involved, creating new tension!! But, luckily for our heroes, the fact that the dog and Ronnie et. al. were both there means they can attack each other and free up the detectives to save the girl. Enemy of my enemy...?

Sorry for the ramble, lol. But it's demonstrative. It's the kind of brainstorm you can do in any story you write, where you devise all the ways you can make it harder for your protagonist(s) to meet their goals. It's pretty fun. *Smile*

Thanks again for the opportunity.



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4
4
Review of Black  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, Amethyst SkellyBones Angel Author Icon. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.


Brilliant use of active voice right from the get-go and throughout. Examples:
Her steadiness reassured him.
Lightning flickered across the curtains.
the full mirror over the sink pulled him up short


Organic/natural introduction of Dan's family:

In the pressing silence, he held his breath to hear his wife Reema breathing quietly next to him.

Ah, the power was out. Hopefully little Monica hadn't noticed her missing nightlight.


Vivid imagery. For example:

The image stood watching him, with no sign of mirroring his movements. Dan leaned on the counter and stuck his arm out. When he touched the mirror, a blue spark crackled into the black gulf between them.

The room exploded in warm, yellow incandescent light. Dan was staring at himself again in a normal, slightly smudged bathroom mirror.



Dialog was generally good but occasionally inconsistent in voice.

For example, this line of dialog rubbed me the wrong way, maybe because it sounded so informal compared to the voice this agent has used so far:

"His own universe is so messed up, and his life choices are such, he's hell-bent on starting over in the best possible universe, which is this one."

For comparison: these were formal and concise:

"We need to speak with Daniel Eric Sullivan on matters of utmost urgency."

"Have your mirrors been malfunctioning?"




But also, the entire dialog between Dan and IVET bothered me a smidge for a couple other reasons:


1. Only one of the IVET officers ever said anything. Four walked in, but we never heard a word - or even a shuffle on the couch - from the other officers until "He squirmed in his seat as the four Men in Black stared him down.". I found that line jarring because - (1) only one ever spoke, so I sort of forget anyone else was there, and (2) I'd forgotten that two suburbitanks pulled up, and from this passage:

"When the knock came, Dan was the only one present to admit the men in black. The tallest one lifted his glasses to reveal cold blue eyes. He brandished a badge."


...I had it in my head that two men entered. Thus, four felt jarring. Not sure why. Maybe because the "Men in Black" I'm already familiar with always work in pairs? Or possibly because, once the conversation was underway, it seemed clear that they're just there to talk and/or recruit Dan, which shouldn't require more than one or two officers.

Aside: does your living room accommodate five grown men on couches? In my house, we'd have to pull up some dining chairs into the LR (or just talk in the dining room in the first place. (That's just me being nitpicky, though! There are certainly homes with living rooms big enough.)


2. The IVET officer occasionally drifted into opinion, where I expect law enforcement to be concise and stick to the facts. This and the voice inconsistency could potentially be handled by splitting the dialog between two officers - your primary speaker (who's obviously in charge and uses phrases like "utmost urgency," "malfunctioning," "disturbances," and "aberration") and the sidekick (who says things like, "hijack," "messed up," "hell-bent," and "You want someone else to have your life?" and makes analogies to billiard balls colliding. That would also help me not forget that more than one agent is in the room.


"Call me Scarface."

This seemed really cliche, so much so that I paused in the story and thought about why you might have gone there. My theory (I could be wrong) is that you needed a narrative way to keep your Dans straight for the reader. In which case, you could have just had Protagonist Dan / your narrator refer to Other Dan as "Scarface" without announcing it, or if you're worried about confusing readers, you could introduce the nickname surreptitiously by mentioning the scar (it twitches or something), and then immediately have the narrator refer to him as Scarface so readers make the connection . That would be deliberately cliche, which is perfectly fine so long as it's obvious.

But having the character say, "Call me Scarface," doesn't make any sense at all because Scarface would likely think of himself as Dan and think of Protagonist Dan as something like "Lucky" (or probably something more clever than that). The point is, Other Dan would be renaming Protagonist Dan, not the other way around. In fact, when they met face-to-face, Other Dan called Protagonist Dan, "Daniel."



Premise:

I love this premise. It's horrifying. Great job with the Chekov's gun usage (in this case, the literal gun that Reema promised she would use if Dan got into trouble.) I always love a good damsel-to-the-rescue story. *Bigsmile*

I do have one critical comment about the plot, but first let me say that I'm not sure you could do anything about it without completely rewriting the second half of your story, so maybe just to keep in mind on future works: I felt like Dan answered the call to action way too fast. He has one incident with the mirror, where he meets his doppleganger. Then strangers (with badges, admittedly, but they can be faked) appear at his door an hour later, tells him this crazy tale about multiverses being real, and that his doppleganger is a Bad Guy, and Dan just believes him and jumps into a mysterious murky pool that IVET tells him will take him too Scarface's lawn. If that happened to me, I'd be like, hell no, I'm not jumping into that thing. So far, nothing bad has actually happened. You want me to take the word of a stranger over someone who looks like my twin, and convince me with "You want someone else to have your life?" Prove that YOU aren't actually the Bad Guy.

If it were me, I might try to have conversations with the mirror-Me first, until eventually, Protagonist Me is triggered to trust IVET. One creepy incident with a mirror alone wouldn't be enough for me to jump in that pool.


Misc:

Loved the "suburbitanks" usage and link. I've added the word to my vocabulary!

Loved "...our studies have shown that this is, quite literally, the best of all possible worlds." *Heart*


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5
5
Review of Carrion Luggage  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
"Carrion Luggage" Open in new Window. features commentary on articles of varying subjects from across the Internet, with one work analyzed each day. The analyses are thoughtful, intelligent, and educational, but also funny and at times, snarky or even a bit cynical. Whatever the topic and the author's take on that topic, the posts are always entertaining. The author has a knack for embedding subtle jabs and puns into his writing. Also, the daily posts are impressively consistent.


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6
6
Review of The Way Station  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I always love a good punchline. I didn't see yours coming, which is the best kind! *Laugh* The tag was a nice touch. I assume it was on his toe??

I feel stupid now (maybe it's the early hour) but I had to Google "deiced". My brain didn't read DE and ICED as two separate syllables or even a diphthong. I read some single-syllabled word that sounded like a fancy spelling of "diced." I even thought it might be a typo (and so did Google - the first suggestion said, "Did you mean decided?")

Congrats on your win! *RibbonB*

Cheers,
Michelle


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
7
7
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Please accept my review in conjunction with "I Write " Open in new Window. [E]. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to read and review your work.

First Impressions:
The paragraphs run together and are difficult to decipher. You can use {indent} or the -> in the edit bar to indent your paragraphs, or if you want something easier, just "Enter" one extra time after each paragraph and put a space in between them.

Specific Praise and Suggestions:
I love this story. Your pacing is absolutely perfect, and you had my heart yearning for Taygen to relax and have fun. Literally, tension in my chest. If she's your protagonist, mission accomplished!!

I do have a few suggestions that might make the story even better, if you're interested.

1. Voice. Mostly, voice was excellent. I get the feeling this child is roughly eight years old. She's old enough to go to a sleepover camp by herself, but young enough to still want her teddy with her even in front of other kids. If I'm right, good job showing-not-telling. However, you have a few inconsistencies in your voice you could iron out. This story is told in third person, but definitely through Taygen's eyes. Therefore, I would not expect:

their crumbling marriage. Even if she knows her parents are having marital problems, I would be surprised to hear a child refer to their marriage as "crumbling."

I was also going to highlight "colossally, freaky place" but then changed my mind. I know smart 8-year-olds who might use language like that. But if she's smart with a high vocabulary, just make sure that's consistent throughout.

One other voice-related minor thing: Since the narrator is telling the story through Taygen's eyes, it surprised me to read "Big blue eyes widened at the vastness of the place." We don't normally think about the color of our own eyes when we widen them, so it just seemed like an odd thing to say.

2. Plot. Just a quick note that the counselor never introduced the girls. Taygen know's Gwyn's name because Holly said "That's good. I am just showing Gwyn around." Later: "K" Gwyn chirped made it sound like Taygen remembered the name, which is not likely since she was so nervous and the statement about showing Gwyn around wasn't even directed at her. Plus Gwyn never learned Taygen's name. So an introduction might be good all around.

I loved how it ended with Taygen warming up to the possibility that camp might not be so bad after all. You've accomplished a protagonist change in your short story, and so you've succeeded in building a strong plot.

NOTE: I started this review a few hours ago and you have since added to the story. I don't think the story needed the additional section, but having read it, I like where you went with it. The change in Taygen goes even further because she realizes that she can be accepted by Gwyn even though they have differences, and in that realization, she gains her first true friend. A lovely story. If you're interested in my opinion on the matter, I liked the shorter version better, because I was more emotionally involved. As I read the continuation, it was a little dense at times, slow, not quite as perfect of pacing as the original story. That pang in my chest, which was real on the first pass, wasn't really there reading the continuation. But truthfully, I don't know if that's because I had already read the first part and thought it was over, and then there was more to read, so the confusing expectations might have interfered with my emotional connection. If a new reader reads your story with no expectations as to where it ends, they might disagree with me.

Summary:
Nicely done. This piece is sweet, and I detect a theme around introversion, that it's okay to be an introvert and you can and should be accepted for who you are. A good message for kids who read your story. Good luck in the contest. *Smile*

Cheers,
Michelle


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8
8
Review of The Hardship  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Please accept my review in conjunction with "I Write " Open in new Window. [E]. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to read and review your work.

First Impressions:
I noticed the short length of the piece first, and then I picked up on the anger and frustration of the protagonist. My initial thought was that it was going to be an angsty piece, but I liked the uplifting humor at the end. I initially thought the scene was set at a funeral until I got to the second paragraph.

Specific Praise and Suggestions:
I really liked this story. The pacing was good, and I especially liked how you teased at first, waiting to give away first the situation (someone has cancer), and then the identity of the patient (the protagonist's sister) for a couple paragraphs. You created dramatic tension for me by keeping me in suspense.

The scene was clear, once you started to describe it. I could visualize the hospital room, stark but for the colorful gifts and the continuous crowd of people coming through.

Your character's anger and frustration was evident, and I felt it for myself.

You had a few minor editorial errors:

shared old stories and babbled on as no time had passed at all. as if no
sign that I could place about of the bed of (I think that's what you intended, but "about of" didn't make sense)

On my first read, it bothered me a little that you don't use many commas. But on the second read, and once I got through it, I decided that I was just being a comma diva, lol. However, since it was an impression I got, let me share a few examples, just so you know what was going through my mind.

These sentences in particular felt like it needed some punctuation to break up the thoughts:

...would whisper the word cancer like if you said it too loud they might catch it too
The whole scene sent bile rising up my throat leaving a nasty taste in my mouth that kept a grimace on my face.

Summary:
Great emotional roller coaster, given the limited word count. The last two paragraphs made me smile, whereas the story up to that point had me tense. You don't have much time to tell us about these characters, primarily the protagonist and her sister, the cancer patient, but we learn a lot about their relationships with the rest of the family and with each other in a short amount of time. It was an enjoyable read. Thanks for sharing!


Cheers,
Michelle


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
9
9
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Please accept my review in conjunction with "I Write " Open in new Window. [E]. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to read and review your work.

First Impressions:
"The ground squelched..." Very descriptive!! Believe it or not, it that word hit three of my senses: touch, sound, and sight. I visualized wet grass, though wet from water, not blood. You corrected my thinking almost immediately:

"The ground squelched as Shoshana Cox walked toward the corpses..." Yum. You gave me the shivers. *Thumbsup*

Specific Praise and Suggestions:
Let me start by saying I LOVE this chapter. I'll get to the reasons why I love it, but I'm going to start with the constructive feedback. Don't let it discourage you from getting to the good stuff. *Bigsmile*

I read straight through before writing comments. I noticed that the beginning was slow. The story picked up speed around the time the conversation with Hoyt started. I think the slow intro was a result of a combination of pacing and confusion.

1. Pacing. This wasn't about the amount of action, which I thought was paced perfectly. But some of your sentences (not many, but a few) were just unnecessarily wordy. Wordy isn't always a bad thing, but it is when writing an action/suspense/thriller, some combination of which I think you have here. Examples:

The ground squelched as Shoshana Cox walked toward the corpses, glancing down she noticed blood seeping up on top of her boot.

Could be reduced to something like:

The ground squelched as Shoshana Cox walked toward the corpses. Blood seeped up on top of her boot. (That she looked at it to notice is implied.)

2. Confusion. I got lost here:

Tracking the noob had been simple, she shifted to wolf form and followed the scent of blood and bile. Now the tranquilized lycanthrope was sleeping in the back of the secured truck and she was ensuring that the clean-up team

Since I didn't yet know that Shoshana was a werewolf, I thought "she shifted" referred to the noob. Then I realized you must have meant Shoshana, and I read on to see "the tranquilized lycanthrope" and thought you were saying Shoshana was tranquil (because I didn't know they'd caught the noob.) Then I was really confused about how she could be both sleeping and ensuring, when it dawned on me that they must have caught the noob. I think replacing "she" with "Shoshana" the first time might eliminate that whole string of confusion.

You have some good moments, but your intro sounds like it's a completely different voice from after the story picks up, like either you added the intro later, or else you found your voice once you got going. I did like how you started the story, by introducing us to Shoshana, her personality, and her job.

After the intro, I was sucked into the story. Even though the partners had a boring job, I wasn't at all bored. It was gripping. More on that in a minute.

I did find myself yanked out of the story a few times asking, "Wait, what?" They were:

Laughing at the assistant’s comment, she went into her boss’s office.
This was the first time I wondered if you'd added the intro later, because Shoshana was incredibly grumpy during the intro. I liked the receptionist's comment, which made me smile and gave me a little sense of Marianne's personality. It was Shoshana's reaction that startled me.

That was two weeks ago.
Again, I wondered if you added the intro after the rest, because this sentence only makes sense if you start with Hoyt giving Shoshana her assignment. It's not that it couldn't have all happened two weeks ago. It's that it wasn't a single scene, and after two opening scenes, it would have made more sense to me to say, "Two weeks later..." Reading my own feedback, it seems nitpicky and bizarre, but it is what it is. The phrase "That was two weeks ago" made me stop reading and think, "Hm, I wonder if the intro was written later." That pulled me out of the story.

THE GOOD STUFF:

OMG. I love your premise, your characters, and your unfolding plot. I love Shoshana and loved the intro scene (it was just the writing of the scene itself that seemed a bit tight and stilted.) I loved your voice and pacing, once you got into it. It was natural and flowed well. I love the world you've built. I love the cliffhanger you ended with; it makes me want to know who the intruder was, and to meet Teagan, because she seems like she's going to be a great character, too.

Characters: It's in the details. It's the way Shoshana reacted to the council enforcer at the crime scene. It's the thing where she'd forgotten to wash her shirt but wore it anyway. It's the part where she objected to the boring assignment, but took it anyway because it's her job. You've told me a lot about her in a short time.

World: The pacing of your world delivery is just about flawless. I never had a hint of exposition. You revealed details about your world - the pack, the council, the rules, her job, the dragons - all through action and dialogue, and most of your dialogue is very natural.

Plot: Your hook is that someone is after Teagan, but she can't know she's a dragon. So Shoshana has to protect her without telling her why. If I were Teagan, I'd be pissed about that. And if I were Shoshana, I'm not sure I know how I'd pull that off. I can't wait to see how it's going to unfold.

Voice: You have a clean grasp of 3rd person limited. You're telling the story through Shoshana's eyes alone (so far), and that adds a lot to the mystery of the piece. You never once strayed from her head. Also, your voice after the intro flows naturally. Where in the intro, it sounded like you struggled to find the right words, the scenes after the intro read like you tap-tap-tapped on your keyboard full speed ahead without pausing to breathe, like you knew exactly what you wanted to say and how to say it, like the story told itself for you.

Summary:
A gripping story with a great hook! The intro was a little slow due to some pacing and confusion issues, but it was a great scene, and after the intro, I couldn't stop reading. *Smile*

Good luck in the contest!

Cheers,
Michelle


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
10
10
Review of An Ordinary Life  Open in new Window.
for entry "In Jesus' Name..." Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Good morning, ruwth. I am reviewing your blog entry "In Jesus' Name..." Open in new Window. at your request.

This is the fourth entry of yours I've reviewed, and once again, you suck me right in. That's an accomplishment. Many writers struggle with getting their work started, and only improve their pacing once they get on a roll. You have a knack for starting a narrative.

I like this: "With the eyes and heart of a child, I believed what I read. Her words did not dissuade me." I remember growing into that era of childhood when we begin to question adults. It's a silly thing, but my parents always called conditioner "cream rinse" when I was little, and one day, I realized the label said something else. I'd been able to read the label for awhile, but that day, it just clicked that it was called something other than what my parents called it. I told my parents we were out of conditioner. From then on, we always called it conditioner. Why am I telling you this story? Because it points out how relatable your words are. They made me recall a time in my childhood when I, too, decided I was old enough to believe something I read over something the adults in my life said to me.

This sentence is a bit confusing, particularly the highlighted part: God, The Bible says whatever I ask in Jesus' Name, that He will do that the Father might be glorified through the Son.

Another confusing sentence, which might just be the result of a typo / swypo: ...I heard some teaching on it gets and there.

Ditto: Jesus gave it's the right to use His Name. (us?)

And again, you wrap up nicely. *Smile*

Thanks for sharing your work, ruwth. It was a pleasure reviewing you. I hope you find my comments helpful.

Cheers,
Michelle


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11
11
Review of An Ordinary Life  Open in new Window.
for entry "Speaking In Tongues" Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Good morning, ruwth. I am reviewing your blog entry "Speaking In Tongues" Open in new Window. at your request.

Again, you did a great job of drawing me in. You tell the narrative of the love letter, and the pacing on that part of your story is perfect.

But it slowed down in the middle of the paragraph that begins:

As I read the book of Acts....

The slowdown in the pacing is gradual. For the first few paragraphs, I'm still hanging with you. But I lost interest right about here:

At this point, I am reading the Bible. I am actually devouring it.

First of all, my eyes took in the next three paragraphs, and before I even read what they said, I noticed that all three paragraphs begin with the phrase, "At this point."

Secondly, I believe you are writing with a passion that you feel personally, which is the kind of writing we tend to use in our diaries. Since we feel that passion personally as we write, we find ourselves rambling about the topic. When we care deeply about a topic, we have a lot to say on the matter.

The problem is, this is a blog, not your diary, and I don't personally have the same passion, the overwhelming desire to speak in tongues. Therefore, as a reader who is not as invested as you are, I either need the pacing to be faster or you need to make me feel the same passion you feel. In my opinion, the latter is not likely, and faster pacing would be the easier solution. You could accomplish this by editing extraneous information from your narrative - take out anything that doesn't help me understand what happened - and move more quickly through the key incidents that lead to your ultimate climax, which is the moment where you finally speak in tongues.

I should add a disclaimer here that I'm skeptical, and that might be affecting my interest in the story. I always believed that in the Acts story of Pentecost, where the Bible says they "began to speak with other tongues" that it means they spoke each other's languages, not a language actually called "tongues" - meaning that although they did not speak each other's languages outside of the Pentecost, during that event, they could understand one another. I believe it was a one-time event, not something we're supposed to emulate. As you say in your story, the whole tongues thing is debated in Christian circles, and I respect your interpretation of the Scripture. But due to my personal beliefs, I can't feel the passion you feel, and therefore, I find the narrative slow. Someone who believes as you do might find your narrative more engaging, and I encourage you to seek that beta reader before you edit, since I think that person would be your target reader and might have a different take on your pacing than I.

However, all that said, your ending is very profound. I like the way you circled back to that first incident, and your realization of what it might have meant.

Cheers,
Michelle


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12
12
Review of An Ordinary Life  Open in new Window.
for entry "I Have Worth..." Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Good morning, ruwth. I am reviewing your blog entry {entry: 849694} at your request.

Your introductory line definitely draws me in.

Then you move back in time, earlier than the timeline of the story you're about to tell, which forces you into past perfect tense:

When I had this experience, my husband and I had reconciled after he had been with another woman. He and I are no longer together but the lesson is still with me.

There's nothing inherently wrong with past perfect, but past tense is easier to read in a narrative. Just my thoughts here, but it seems like you could eliminated it by just starting the story a little earlier. Start with the infidelity instead of the healing:

In the Xth year of our marriage, my husband was with another woman.

(Just an example.) This allows you to say "was with" instead of "had been with".

You could then proceed with the reconciliation:

Although he and I are no longer together, we reconciled for a time, and the lesson is still with me.

(Am I understanding what happened properly? My uncertainty highlights how jumping around in time with past perfect can make a story confusing.)

I was tortured by thoughts of him having been with the other woman. - You could tighten this: "I was tortured by thoughts of him with the other woman."

I was sitting in my rocking chair praying. - You could tighten this: "I was praying in my rocking chair." (It's understood that you would be sitting in it.)

I notice something across the room. - Probably a typo, but you jumped into present tense on "notice".

At this point, I lost sight of the room... Since you're in the middle of a narrative, the phrase "At this point" is unnecessary. You could start with "I lost sight of the room..." and I would still clearly understand the chronology.

The next thing I saw (my eyes may have been closed now), the next thing I saw was a large sun tea jar full of pennies. Remove the repetition of "The next thing I saw" - either one would be fine:

My eyes may have been closed now, but the next thing I saw was a large sun tea jar full of pennies.

OR

The next thing I saw (my eyes may have been closed now) was a large sun tea jar full of pennies.

Like the other entry, your pacing in this piece is perfect. It's just long enough to tell the narrative without rambling or losing my interest.

I love the metaphor of the lost penny. Great way to close this story, and glad it helped you find healing.

Cheers,
Michelle


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13
13
Review of An Ordinary Life  Open in new Window.
for entry "In Proxy..." Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Good morning, ruwth. I am reviewing your blog entry "In Proxy..." Open in new Window. per your request.

Good job drawing me into the narrative. You open with an air of mystery and it leads me to wonder what happened. It makes me want to read on.

I have a few suggestions, if you're interested.

I don't remember what was preached that day. - You used passive voice here. It would be easy to fix by replacing "what was preached" to "the sermon" or adding in the subject who was doing the preaching, e.g., "I don't remember what the pastor/reverend/Dr. Jones/worship leader/whomever preached that day."

The sermon probably played a role in all this but the events leading up to my responding the way I did are now forgotten. - You could tighten your writing up a little: "...the events leading up to my response are now forgotten."

You use the phrase "that day" very often in this piece. At some point, it's evident that you're talking about a specific day in your history and the repeated reminder is unnecessary.

I was slain in the Spirit. - I don't understand what this means.

At one point, as I laid on the floor... - use "lay" here, past tense of "lie".

while I continued to lie there... - here you use the verb correctly.

Overall, the story is well told. The pacing is good and the events are clear. Well done.

Cheers,
Michelle


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14
14
Review of Sedative Eyes  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Keaton Foster: Know My Hell! Author Icon,

I discovered "Sedative Eyes" Open in new Window. via the Random Review feature. I probably would not have read the piece otherwise because dark poetry is not my thing. However, it surprised me when it drew me in, and I enjoyed it after all.

What I liked about the piece was the vivid imagery and characterization. It was a narrative poem, telling the narrator's story, and I had a clear visual of the story in my mind.

This is where I was drawn in:

Oh the hell
They have seen
No one should
Want them


Now you've introduced me to your character, and I like characters. *Smile* I'm curious about the narrator. Who is he? What is it that he's seen that's so horrendous that he chose to donate his eyes while still alive? What has he done that's so bad that he thinks someone else deserves his living eyes more than he? We never get to find out, but I like the mystery around it, too.

I like the pace of your poem. At a glance, I noticed that it wasn't broken into verses, but on reading it, I decided that I liked it as is. It's driving, as it should be.

More of my favorite lines, either for their imagery or for how they tell the story of your character:

Ripped
From my skull
Torn
From their sockets


All connections
Severed


As the darkness invades


I signed on the line
Gave them permission


Now for the constructive feedback. I had one constant source of confusion throughout the piece. I didn't understand whether your narrator voluntarily donated his eyes while alive. Here at the end, it seems clear that he agreed to donate them upon his death only:

Gave them permission
Upon my death
Take all that you wish


But if he did not agree to donate his eyes while alive, why does he say this twice:

I was assured
I wouldn’t need them


and here, it sounds like whoever is taking his eyes intended to kill him to take the eyes:

Chained to my bed
Left for dead
They’ll be surprised
When I wake up


But if that's the case, why did "they" (the perpetrator taking the eyes) bother to get a signature or try to convince him that he wouldn't need them?

You have an intriguing story written in gripping verse. Thanks for sharing your work.

Cheers,
Michelle


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15
15
Review of The Academic Lies  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Welcome to WDC, Naveed Author Icon! Congratulations on posting your first written work in your portfolio. Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to review your work. Please remember that my review consists of my personal opinions only, and you're free to consider or disregard any of it. Please also keep in mind that I'm not well-read on the topic you discuss, so my comments are those of an everyday reader, not a scholar in this field.

Your opening paragraph is engaging because you pose an interesting hypothesis. Your essay format is good, in that you open with your hypothesis and move right into an example, which keeps me reading.

Suggestions:
- Electronic written works are easier to read when you separate the paragraphs with a space. You could manually add a blank line after every paragraph, or easier option is to use the "double space paragraphs" option on your edit screen. You also might want to consider breaking your piece into more paragraphs to make it easier to read, but I'm having a hard time discerning where your paragraphs break, so that could just be the spacing issue.

- While commas are a matter of some debate, I personally think you could use more commas. Your essay is detailed and complex, and commas would make it easier to read. For example:

Kind of ironic isn’t it that the place where you expect to get knowledge and truth is the same place where you are fed fallacies in the name of knowledge? - this is a long sentence that would be easier to read with commas around the phrase "isn't it".

- One such lie is the Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs Should "Needs" be capitalized? I'm not familiar with this work, but I presume that if Hierarchy is part of a title, then Needs would be as well.

- Maslow’s hierarchy has five stages namely: Physiological needs, Safety needs, Social needs, Esteem needs and self-actualization needs - I propose a comma between 'stages' and 'namely,' and also suggest consistency in your capitalization. If Maslow titles the stages, then it is acceptable to capitalize them, but you didn't capitalize "Self-actualization." Also, later in the paragraph, you didn't capitalize "safety" or "physiological." You have the same inconsistency later, when you list the original eight stages, and you fail to capitalize "Self-transcendental."

- He has his own moral codes, which do not necessarily have to be in accordance with those set by the society. So, in a way a self-actualized being is not the best member of the society, but the worst. This seems like a leap. I understand your logic, but it might be better to suggest that a self-actualized person has the potential to be the worst, not that he actually IS the worst. Not every self-actualized person has moral codes that conflict with those of his society.

- but a highly ‘educated’ writer such as Daft - I'm not sure why 'educated' is in quotation marks. Is Daft highly educated or not? It should not be a matter of opinion. Does Daft have an advanced degree? If he does, he is highly educated.

- If that’s the case then he should have named it as ‘Daft’s Hierarchy of Needs’ and not Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, - capitalization consistency.

General comments:

- You make a convincing case in the matter of Daft's interpretation of Maslow, which is that Daft's omissions change the nature of the whole hierarchy. However, I'm not sure this one example alone is enough to convince me that academia feeds lies to students. Why didn't you expound on your Darwin example from the opening paragraph? If your essay is primarily about Daft's misinterpretation of Maslow, then you should make that clear in your title, description and introductory paragraph.

- Your tone comes across as strongly opinionated on the Daft matter, and I would even go so far as to say you slam Daft. I assume that was your intent, but I want to point that out in case you wanted to know how the tone comes across.

Great work! I found your piece engaging and your points clear. Thanks again for sharing your work.


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16
16
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Please accept my review in conjunction with "I Write " Open in new Window. [E]. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to read and review your work.

First Impressions:
Cute children's story. The beginning was a little slow but the pace picked up around the time Ms. Doyle proposed a Halloween party.

Specific Praise and Suggestions:
In the first fe paragraphs, the story reads like you're targeting a very young audience, with passages like this:

I remember how on the first day of school, I walked into the sixth grade classroom and saw my teacher.
This is the sort of thing a young child would say.

Her name was Ms. Doyle. She didn´t look that old. In fact, she looked almost young enough to still be in High School. But the weird part was that she was dressed completely in a long black dress.
Your short sentences seem to target a young reader.

But your voice shifts pretty quickly into one that targets an older reader:
produced an unenthusiastic response
a sarcastic voice said
Moreover, by sixth grade, she had a reputation

At first, you shift back and forth. But somewhere around the dodgeball story, you shift entirely and stay consistently in the "older" voice for the rest of the story. After reading through the whole story, it's my opinion that the older voice works well for the story. The younger voice in the opening paragraphs would be appropriate for a kindergartener or first grader but your story is about sixth graders, and I think your voice for the latter half of the story is perfectly appropriate.

Watch for editorial errors. You have a few examples of random quotation marks out of place, missing words, incomplete sentences, etc.

Summary:
I enjoyed the perspective of your protagonist. It was fun to see bullies like Dena and Billy get put in their place, while Ms. Doyle encouraged Albert to pursue his talents. Your ending was cute.


Cheers,
Michelle


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17
17
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Please accept my review in conjunction with "I Write " Open in new Window. [E]. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to read and review your work.

First Impressions:
A clever interpretation of the assignment. I like your explanation of why you decided to relate the Psalm to being a student.

Specific Praise and Suggestions:
This is such an unusual piece. I had to ruminate on it for awhile. I have one major problem with the piece, which is the conflict between spirituality and comedy. I loved both aspects of the piece, but not together. I literally laughed out loud here:

Even though I must take exams designed by Satan

But then at this next line:

You prepare a graduation in the presence of my enemies.

I got very uncomfortable. I wondered if this meant your professors are your enemies. But the line could also refer to those who literally stand in the way of your success, which is the spiritual interpretation. Because of the confusion between funny and serious here, I thought for a moment you might literally mean your professors are your enemies, which made me nervous, spiritually, because that's mean and very un-Christian.

At this point, I started to think I would prefer if you chose one path or the other: spiritual or tongue-in-cheek. Personally, I don't have a preference between the two; I would enjoy either interpretation of the assignment. I also noticed that "comedy" is not selected as a genre, so I'm hoping I didn't misunderstand your words.

I pondered this line for awhile:

He teaches my soul. Are souls teachable? I honestly am not sure. It wasn't my favorite line, even though it made me think for awhile. I think that's because I was leaning towards deciding that souls are not teachable, but just ARE; rather, minds are teachable. That's not to say that learning has no effect on the soul. I find learning very satisfying and rewarding. Also, from a Christian perspective, the more I learn, the better the choices I can make, which is also indirectly good for the soul. It helps me avoid inadvertently hurting people.

I like the closing and this line leading into it:

You give a diploma no man read.

Except that it feels like incorrect subject/verb agreement. It's just awkward. Do you mean no man has ever read it before? No man can see it now? It seems like "reads" might be a better choice, or "can read"? Because in the closing line, you explain it by saying that instead of being readable, this diploma is evident simply through your actions.

Summary:
I love the confidence in the piece that shines through the opening and closing lines. I enjoyed the comparison to David's profession and the interpretation of the assignment. I enjoyed the comic aspect of the piece but would prefer that the entire piece lean toward either the comic or spiritual, but not both.

Cheers,
Michelle


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18
18
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Please accept my review in conjunction with "I Write " Open in new Window. [E]. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to read and review your work.

First Impressions:
I'm immediately hit with a sense of nostalgia as I start to read this piece, and it never stops. When reviewing, I tend to pause to think about what I've just read a little at a time, so I don't forget my first impressions, because I think the author would want to hear those impressions. I'm very analytical and struggle to turn that "off" even when I've been asked to read something and just give an overall impression (which is why novel reviews take me so long and often go unfinished.) But your piece was paced so well that I read through the entire piece in one sitting and then sat and thought about it for awhile before I wrote the first word of this review.

Specific Praise and Suggestions:
I very rarely give 5's, and I very rarely review poetry. I'm incredibly picky about poetry, because most attempts at poetry are written for the author, not the reader. I believe good poetry evokes emotion in a reader, and it's the poet's job to evoke that emotion. That takes work: carefully planning, with each line and word deliberately chosen, and not just a "word dump" of whatever happens to be going through the mind of the poet at the time of the writing.

Your words and lines are brilliantly crafted. I love everything about this piece. In very few lines, you have painted a picture in my mind. You've introduced me to the characters at the feast, and they're involved in a flurry of action that keeps the reader moving right along with them. Everyone is doing something, and they're all powerful images. Grandma doesn't just bake the pumpkin pie - that IS Grandma, that's her official job, and pumpkin pie will always make us remember Grandma.

I especially love this line:
And not in the dining room

This is no formal, stuffy affair. This is family, through and through, and it brings tears to my eyes. It embodies everything that Thanksgiving should be. Not some formal obligation, but a joyous celebration, the opportunity to be with each other once again in a setting we rarely get to enjoy.

Summary:
Stunning imagery, evocative narration, nostalgic characters. Well done.

Thanks for sharing. Good luck in your contest!

Cheers,
Michelle


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19
19
Review of I Write  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Please accept my review in conjunction with "I Write " Open in new Window. [E]. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to read and review your work.

First Impressions:
In a short piece like this, first impressions are important. The first thing I noticed was brilliant imagery and strong active voice in your opening two lines, so well done with the hook. *Thumbsup*

Specific Praise and Suggestions:
*Bullet* I loved the alliteration in Line 4.
*Bullet* You have occasional rhymes, and I wasn't a fan because of the inconsistency. Line 3/4 wasn't as bad but Line 10/11 felt cliche.
*Bullet* Imagery continues to be fantastic throughout, including several non-sight sensory references("air turns chill" / "tremors of fun" / "excitement trembles"
         --- It occurred to me that "they wield their tools" and "gutting out the seeds and pulp" were opportunities for touch-related sensory words
*Bullet* I found this line cliche: "to young and old alike"
*Bullet* Editorial: families (plural) pick their pumpkins (plural) OR each family (singular) picks its pumpkin (singular)
*Bullet* Loved this line: "Carving in faces full of menace or delight" - it brought to mind every clever jack-o-lantern image I've ever seen
*Bullet* I'm a big fan of avoiding word repetition, especially in a piece of this length, and I noticed you ended two lines very close together with "night"
*Bullet* Love your action words: line, flashing, sell, offer, approaches, wield, gutting, carving, trembles, scamper, play. The piece moves along at a nice pace.
*Bullet* Love the closing line, "All on a Halloween night" - strangely, even though I find it a bit cliche, that fits as a closing line because the entire piece evokes nostalgia for me and cliche works well with nostalgia. I still didn't like cliche in the earlier lines, because it doesn't feel deliberate there, but instead feels awkward.

Summary:
Overall, the piece evoked the youthful energy of Halloween night. Imagery is definitely your strength. You don't have a form that I can identify, which doesn't bother me. I'm not a big reader of poetry, but when I do read it, I expect it to evoke some sort of emotional reaction out of me. Your evoked nostalgia, and that's perfect.

Cheers,
Michelle


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20
20
Review of Christmas in July  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Please accept my review in conjunction with "I Write " Open in new Window. [E]. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to read and review your work.

First Impressions:
Your protagonist, Violet, wakes to find a surprise waiting for her in the living room. The story is told in third person, past tense, but I immediately noticed some discrepancies in your tense. I also noticed a number of incomplete sentences.

Specific Praise and Suggestions:

Description: You did a stunning job of describing the scene, and especially the Christmas tree. I could vividly see the droopy branches and sagging bright start on top. I also loved your ring tone, which engaged my sense of hearing in your story. I could relate to Violet's struggle to find the missing phone.

Tense: Be careful of your chosen tense. You have written your story in a mix of past and present tense. Here are some examples that demonstrate your inconsistency:

         Present Tense:
         Checking a calendar she has on the wall...
         Christmas isn't for another five and a half months...
         ...most beautiful gift anyone has ever left me," Violet says to herself.

         Past Tense:
         Violet walked from her bedroom...
         She walked towards the sad Christmas tree...
         The silence was broken with the sound of the phone...

Confusion: I was confused almost immediately, in your opening paragraph, when you said, "Shocked at what her living room looked like because it was exactly as it looked in her dream." Since you have not yet described her dream, this did not help paint any sort of picture in my head, and I wasn't sure what I was looking at in the living room. I would have preferred some hint that she had a recurring dream (perhaps something like, "Waking up from her recurring dream..." or similar?)

Sentence Fragments: This was a frequent problem in your piece. Here are some examples:
         Shocked at what her living room looked like because it was exactly as it looked in her dream.
         Checking a calendar she has on the wall and seeing the date for today is July 13, 2012.
         Looking at the fireplace with lights and two stockings hung on the mantle.

These are not complete sentences because they are missing subject/verb agreement. In the first example above, WHO was shocked at what her living room looked like? (You're missing "she" or "Violet"). In the second example, you're missing the subject (WHO checks the calendar and sees the date?) but you are also using the wrong form of the verbs (She CHECKS or CHECKED that calendar and she SEES or SAW the date.)

Because you use a lot of dependent clauses in your writing, I suspect that you are using sentence fragments because you write them often in other sentences. For example, this sentence is okay (except that it is missing a required comma):

         Confused about the situation she walked into the living room to look at the mysterious changes.

If I insert the comma where it belongs, your sentence looks like this:

         Confused about the situation, she walked into the living room to look at the mysterious changes.

The first part of your sentence looks like many of your sentence fragments, which are incorrect when they stand alone:

         Confused about the situation.

However, the addition of an INDEPENDENT clause to your sentence makes the dependent clause okay. Here's the independent clause:

         She walked into the living room to look at the mysterious changes.

This phrase is "independent" because it can stand alone as its own sentence. It has a subject (She) and a verb (walked), and they agree. Therefore, you can add any number of dependent clauses, and you still have a proper sentence:

         Confused about the situation, she walked into the living room to look at the mysterious changes.

The problem is that you are writing dependent clauses by themselves. This is incorrect. They cannot stand alone.

Plot: This is a cute story. It seems that Violet has been talking in her sleep for awhile, and Sebastian is a loving and considerate boyfriend.

Editorial: I think this might have been an inadvertent typo or editing error: "...I thought it would be fun to recreate for real thing for ya."


Summary:
This is a very sweet tale of a morning surprise left by Violet's boyfriend before he left for a business trip. Your description of the sad little Christmas tree is vivid, and the scene where Violet (who just woke up!) struggles to find her missing cell phone is believable. Your writing includes a number of grammatical errors including mixed tense, missing commas, and misuse of dependent clauses. These types of errors would be found and corrected by a professional editor.

Cheers,
Michelle


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21
21
Review of Obsession  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Please accept my review in conjunction with "I Write " Open in new Window. [E]. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to read and review your work.

First Impressions:
The first things I noticed were that the story is told in third person present, and that it takes place in an office. Carla is the protagonist, who appears to be an accountant. The narrative and dialog feel very formal.

Specific Praise and Suggestions:

Plot
I don't have any kind of foreshadowing that Larry will turn out to be a predator, so this was a great plot twist! Larry was rather freaky, and you left me with the feeling that she won't escape.

In your opening paragraph, you said nearly the same thing twice:
"...looks around to see where the sound is coming from."
-and-
"...humming continues and she decides to find out where this is coming from."

Consider eliminating repeated phrases, because they slow down the action.

In general, I found the pacing in first half of the story a bit slow, even without the repeated phrase. I find stories much more engaging when the action in them continues to move forward. For example, I don't need to know that she "decides to find out" something. Just show me that she did so:

The strange humming continues.

Getting up from her desk...

Clearly she is investigating, so there is no need to spell out for me that she made a decision to investigate.

Favorite Parts
The end was scary, which I loved. I also loved the ringtone set to "The Witch is Dead"!

Genre
Consider adding "Horror" to the list of genres. *Smile*

Dialog
The formal language was distracting, especially in the dialog, which did not feel natural. I propose you consider the use of contractions, for example:

"I do not hear anything." = "I don't hear anything."
"...you are right." = "You're right."

Also, some of the dialog felt unnatural just because it's not something people would say. For example:

“I knew you would say that. I am going to remind you my name is Larry. We have met before about one month ago..."
- "I am going to remind you" felt bulky and unnatural.

“It is home time. Looks like you need a night out. Some of the girls are getting together tonight. You should come. The Dry Martini for 8pm.”
- "The Dry Martini at 8pm" would make more sense to me.

"I will cya guys then"
- Ironically, this is too informal for dialog, or at least for written dialog in a fiction piece. I suggest writing out the phrase "see you" instead of using the abbreviation.

Grammar and Usage
Generally, grammar and usage were correct, with only a few editorial catches:

- Occasionally I found extra commas that did not belong, at least not according to the Style guidelines with which I'm familiar:
Carla says, “Maybe, you are right..." (no comma after "Maybe")
"...What, do you know about this new guy?” (no comma after "What")

- Watch your tense. You slipped into past tense a couple times:
Carla stood up from her seat...
Carla tried to run past Larry...

- You have a sentence fragment here:
Taking a deep breath and counting from one to ten to attempt to calm her nerves.

Summary:
Great use of the prompt with a scary twist at the end. Grammar and usage are mostly correct, but the tone feels too formal, especially in the dialog. I could have also used faster pacing in the beginning of the piece. However, once you got to the last five paragraphs or so, the pacing was much better. You have a great imagination, and I hope you continue to develop your craft. Keep writing!

Cheers,
Michelle


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22
22
Rated: E | (4.0)
Please accept my review in conjunction with "I Write " Open in new Window. [E]. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to read and review your work.

First Impressions:
I see three quatrains of poetry, with fairly consistent line length. Words jump off the page: sweetness, carefree, unbridled, fragile, hazy, unforgiving... I expect to be emotionally touched by this piece.

Specific Praise:
You do indeed move me with your words. My favorite lines:

The carefree moments of unbridled play

and

Buried deep within unforgiving ground

These lines represent their verses as polar opposites of one another. First you make me see beauty in life, and then you rip it away.

And then this line, your closing:

Time stands to honour then move slowly on

This is a powerful reminder that we are but brief, falling petals on the flower of life. We have only the time we have to honor and be honored, and then time marches forward without us, and we are forgotten.

Beautifully done.

I'm not as big a fan of your second verse. Compared to the first and last, it feels forced for a number of reasons:

Word repetition: "broken" and "broke" - in such a short piece, each word has the capacity to carry a huge amount of power. Their effects are watered down for me when I just saw the word two lines ago.

Forced rhyme: "broke us" is an awkward way to end the third line even without the heavily forced feel of "hiding with fear and fuss" - in a poem filled with powerful imagery, this just doesn't work for me at all. I can't see fear like I can see unbridled play or burial in unforgiving ground. And "fuss" seems a very awkward word to describing "hiding" - I imagine a fussy child making a lot of noise, which reveals your hiding place to the intruder. It just doesn't work for me.

The first line of the quatrain:
Time marched, ripped fragile hearts broken in two

To me, this reads like hearts were broken before time came along, which I believe is the opposite of what you mean.

And one final comment about word repetition: You used "time" thrice within this short piece. While I get that the whole point of the poem is about the passing of time, I feel you could be more creative. You've demonstrated such thorough creativity in other lines of the poem.

Summary:
A wonderful piece that reminds us of our own mortality. You've captured the brevity of life in beautiful imagery. I especially enjoyed the first and third stanza but am not as big a fan of the second. I almost feel you could eliminate it entirely and use the first line of the last quatrain (which contains word repetition anyway) to summarize the passing of time that you've portrayed in that second stanza. It might even be poetic imagery in itself, to portray the eternities of youth and death with entire stanzas, while only allocating a single poetic line to the fleeting passing of a lifetime.

Good luck in the contest!

Cheers,
Michelle


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
23
23
Review of School Pressures  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I offer this review in conjunction with "I Write in June-July-August " Open in new Window. [ASR], and I thank you for the opportunity to read your work and provide feedback. I hope you find it helpful.

I found your topic very apropos, considering the season, and relatable as well. Ironically, I just had a discussion yesterday with a friend about how overpriced and overvalued college has become. In my generation, college was an expectation. It was ingrained in me that college = job. But these days, you're lucky to get a job at all after college, let alone a job in your field, let alone a job that pays enough to make your student loan payments. So this piece is very relevant.

The form is good, and the rhyme is not forced.

I reviewed a piece for you recently and was incredibly impressed with its poetic attributes: meter that reads well aloud and yet feels unforced; brilliant imagery; poetic vocabulary, with words that evoke strong meanings and emotional connections. I missed those attributes in this piece. I felt like it scratched the surface of emotional connection, and I would have liked to have seen more. This piece was almost too direct, too conversational. It raises a fantastic question at the end, but I felt I was on the receiving end of an opinion piece, being handed conclusions rather than being led there emotionally and allowed to draw my own conclusions.

That said, you did leave me with a question in the end, so you invite further reflection and discussion around your piece, which is always a good thing. I'd love to see better value in academia, and I'm interested to see where the problem and these discussions lead us. I anticipate a market crash much like we saw in the housing market a decade ago.

Thanks again for sharing your work and allowing me to review it. I wish you the best of luck in the contest!

Cheers,
Micelle


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
24
24
Review of Camp VR  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Please accept this review in conjunction with "I Write in June-July-August " Open in new Window. [ASR]. Thank you for allowing me to read and review your work. I hope you find my comments helpful.

First Impression:
The first thing I noticed was the voice of the piece, which is clearly written from the perspective of a upper-elementary- or middle-school-aged child. The voice captures that age perfectly.

Characters:
Ginny appears to be a whiny and narcissistic child. She tries to use whining to coerce her mother into letting her out of VR Camp. I also love these lines:

Even if she didn't get straight A's all the time, anyone could see that she was one of the most intelligent students her age

"In fact, she didn't have any friends at all. But that didn't bother her because everyone at school was a loser."

It tells me that her mother is not the only seemingly inferior person in her life. Though the second line did give me pause and make me consider that her I'm-better-than-you bravado might be an act to hide a lacking self-confidence.

"That's enough," said Ginny. "We need to find this mirror thing."
Ginny, for all her people-are-morons attitude, is a natural-born leader.

Just a note that Leonard seemed to lose his stutter entirely after the turning-Ginny-into-an-ant incident.

Plot:
I love the setup - how Ginny got in trouble and the ultimatum from the principal. It strikes me that mom is a weak character, which explains how she allowed Ginny to get as bad as she is.

I love this line:
Of course, as is often the case with quests, the real object is to find something less tangible along the way.
So profound! *Laugh* One of those things you've always known, but nobody ever really admitted.

Turning Ginny into an ant: Totally random and completely hysterical. Although, it did seem a bit unrealistic that Leonard was suddenly an accomplished wizard. Was he reading his book while they walked? That's hard to do over rough terrain.

...Trying to sneak away from Leonard and Bob was wrong," said the reflection. I never really understood the big deal. It seemed like Ginny was trying to take advantage of the spider's distraction, not Bob's distraction. Despite her obvious narcissism, I never got the impression in this particular case that she was trying to one-up anyone, just that she was trying to accomplish the team's goal, on behalf of the team, just to get it over with since she didn't want to be there in the first place. So this angle doesn't jive well with me, that she did something wrong by trying to sneak into the cave.

I like the ending a lot, and I understand where you went with it - that Bob would have had a similar come-to-Jesus moment with "himself" like Ginny had. But it still felt like a rushed transition. Even Ginny's transition felt a little rushed and unbelievable.

Laugh-Out-Loud Moment:
This guy looks like a real genius, thought Ginny. Leonard and Bill are both morons. I've got morons on my team.

General Suggestions:
It took a moment to realize that Dr. E is still speaking here: "Now then, you have been chosen... Perhaps something like, "Now then," he continued...

You never really explained what caused the loud crash: ...there was a loud crash. It was Leonard. He had a magic wand which he was waving indiscriminately and sending bolts of purple light flying in every direction Just to help visualize the scene, I would have liked to have it spelled out (one of the bolts of purple light clearly caused something specific to crash, but you left me wondering what it was.)

This seemed unnecessarily wordy: ...there was a chamber and in the chamber...

Editorial: "Oh Please," said Bob. (lowercase "p")

Word repetition here ("thoughtful"): Leonard was more thoughtful. "Give it a try," he said putting Ginny on the ground. "Good Luck."

"Thanks," said Ginny. Then, she added thoughtfully.

Summary:
A great story with fun characters and a good plot. You're a witty writer, evidenced by Ginny's witty inner dialog. I really do like the story and the plot, but I felt like the transitions on the parts of the characters were too abrupt. It might have helped if I'd gotten a stronger feeling of dissent from Ginny when she ventured away from the group, some notion that she was trying to separate herself from the group rather than just take advantage of a circumstance that would allow her to achieve the team's goal. I also would have needed some amount of guilt or an understanding that what she was doing was wrong, so that when the mirror spelled it out for her later, it would be more believable that this was a nugget of integrity buried deep inside her that was just waiting to be released.

Thanks again for sharing your work, and good luck in the contest!!

Cheers,
Michelle


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
25
25
Rated: E | (3.5)
It's difficult to write to this piece in its form because I can only pause, but not back up or move forward in the audio file. If I want to listen to section :37 to :43 four or five times in a row to solidify in my mind the action taking place there, my only option is to reload the whole browser tab and listen again, all the way up to :37, before I can focus on my goal and start taking notes. If there's a way to move around within the piece, I'd like to know how to do it. If not, there may not be anything that can be done about it, but just passing on my feedback in case there is.

I do, however, love the contest. Great idea!
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