Identity

A Friday afternoon in the school library raises questions.

Identity
By James Bridgeman

CHARACTERS
ABROM
LUBEN
MATT
JEFF
ADAM
GREG
JENNA
KID

TIME
After school on a Friday

PLACE
A school library where the librarians apparently don’t exist

(The curtain opens with the stage set with three circular tables set, staggered across the center stages. Seated at the center table is KID, writing for the duration of the play. KID should react only to a little of the action around him. The writing should obviously be his love. He shouldn't write furiously but with passiionately with care for each word and the structure. A metal trash can is set toward upstage left. A small bookcase is set with its back to the audience in the downstage right so that it does not block the right side of the house’s view of the tables. LUBEN and ABROM are resting against the bookcase so they are hidden from the tables. They have a case of beer with them and are clearly out of it.)

LUBEN

I just don’t understand why Bluto was always going after Olive Oil. She’s got no tits.

ABROM

She must have been a great lay or something. One of those ugly whores that make up for it by being wild in bed, y’know? (Pause) When you think about it, Popeye was a pretty disturbing show for kids to watch, what with all the sexual references.

LUBEN

Yeah, plus Popeye’s sailor. Do you think he had port sluts in other parts of the world?

ABROM

Probably.

LUBEN

What about a threesome between Bluto, Popeye, and Olive Oil with that hamburger guy video taping?

ABROM

Dude! You know who never got enough play on that show? The hamburger guy.

LUBEN

Whoa, that guy had a case of the munchies man. I would love to toke what he was smoking.

(The focus shifts to the centerstage left table where three guys are sitting doing work.)

MATT

Did you guys see what Jessica was wearing today? Her pants were so tight and low cut that she couldn’t walk, she had to sort of shuffle.

JEFF

And what about that top? She let everyone know her stance on the use of bras.

ADAM

Hey, the government needs that material for the war effort, and it takes a lot of material to make a bra for Jessica. She’s just doing her patriotic duty.

JEFF

Uh.. we’re not at war with anyone.

ADAM

That’s what they want you to think.

JEFF

Okay.

ADAM

So long as a there’s a Canada, we’ll always be at war.

MATT

Dude, that’s fucked up.

ADAM

The Canucks want you to keep saying that, but soon, if we’re not careful, we’ll all be enrolled in French emersion programs and made to listen to Celine Dion. (Pause. ADAM bursts out laughing.) I’m just messing around with you guys, seriously though, I think I could see her nipples.

MATT

And what fine nipples they are.

JEFF

Agreed. What I don’t understand is why a girl would dress like that. I mean, c’mon, why would she want to make herself into a sexual object and nothing more?

MATT

Are you complaining?

JEFF

No. It’s just that it doesn’t make sense that she would want to be a cunt with no brains.

MATT

It’s chicks like that that asking to be raped.

JEFF

No, that’s not what I meant.

ADAM

You make a good point, Jeff, let’s go rape Jessica.

JEFF

What?

MATT

Lighten up man. We’re just screwing with your head. I say that if she wants to get ahead in life by lying on her back let her. Fuck trying to figure out everyone’s mind and help them. Let everyone screw themselves up, that’s my motto.

JEFF

Oh. (Long pause.) Did anyone else see the new Cleo commercial?

MATT

(In a female Jamaican accent) Call me now, and I be telling you your future! (drops accent) Did you ever notice that her answer to every question is (picks up accent) your man he be cheating on you. (drops accent) The question could be, ‘will I get a raise?’ Cleo will answer (picks up accent) your man he be cheating on you.

ADAM

I want to call up once just to see what it is like, see if she really can tell me my future.

JEFF

If I’m going to waste my money on a 900 number I’ll do it on phone sex.

MATT

(With accent) Call me now for the blowjob of your life.

ADAM

(With accent) Call me now for anal.

JEFF

I wish Cleo had a phone sex line, she’s hot.

MATT

Hey, Jeff your mom should run a sex line, she is hot.

JEFF

Shut up Matt.

ADAM

Do either of you remember when Erin asked if Gandhi was a real person? What a dumb cunt.

JEFF

(raises hand tentatively. Imitates a scared little girl) Ms. Tricarico, was Hitler a real person?

MATT

(Imitating a caring teacher) No, World War Two was really a media invention, like “Wag the Dog.” It’s people like that who bring down the intelligence of everyone. They’re the reason public schools are failing.

ADAM

We should get a law passed that would fine everyone a thousand dollar every time they say something stupid. Since stupid people can’t shut up they will all soon be homeless. Then we make it legal to kick homeless people. With a little luck, all the homeless people will bleed to death. We catch two birds with one stone.

JEFF

Yeah, and you know what else should be legal and free, hookers.

MATT

Yeah.

(The focus shifts to the downstage right table where GREG and JENNA are seated across from each other, holding hands.)

GREG

My favorite part about you are your cute little feet.

JENNA

(Jokingly) I never knew you had a foot fetish.

(They kiss. Pause.)

GREG

So what do you want to do Saturday?

JENNA

Whatever is cool with me.

GREG

My buddy Joe’s having a party we could go to that?

JENNA

uh... Joe?

GREG

What’s wrong with Joe?

JENNA

Nothing... but don’t you think he is a little childish. I mean sometimes I expect him to come out wearing diapers.

GREG

Okay, well I heard Eric is -

JENNA

No, out of the question.

GREG

Why?

JENNA

I just don’t want to deal with Eric’s crap, okay?

GREG

(Irritated) Sure, whatever you want.

JENNA

Good. Now I was thinking maybe we could see Bridges of Madison County. They’re showing the director’s cut in town.

GREG

I hate Brides of Madison County.

JENNA

Now you’re just being unreasonable.

(Focus shifts back to the guys)

JEFF

Did you guys read the comics this morning?

ADAM and MATT

No.

JEFF

It was hilarious, right? So Cathy was trying on swimsuits -

MATT

Wait, you read Cathy?

(ADAM gets up and walks over to where JEFF is sitting and starts feeling his chest)

JEFF

What are you doing?

ADAM

Making sure you don’t have tits like a woman. (To MATT) He’s clean. (ADAM sits back down.)

JEFF

I like Cathy. It’s a funny strip.

MATT

What’s so funny about it? It’s all about Cathy bitching that she’s a fat cow. If the next thing out of your mouth is about Oprah then I don’t care what Adam says about you not having tits, you’re a chick.

JEFF

What’s wrong with Oprah? (stunned silence) Kidding.

ADAM

Damn right you’re kidding. Any comic with more words per box than, say, your average Stephen King novel, sucks.

MATT

Let me guess what Cathy said today. ‘I’m a bloated pig that no man will ever love. I work tirelessly at a dead end job for a paycheck the size of a cat’s testicle. My mom is controlling my life, I think my dad is stoned and my constant whining drives everyone away.’ That about sum it all up, you know, if you read all of the subtext.

JEFF

Bastards. Can we let it drop?

MATT

Sure.. fag.

JEFF

Why don’t you give me a kiss and find out?

MATT

Good come back, dick.

(Focus shifts back to the stoners)

ABROM

Who would win in a fight, Mighty Mouse or Popeye?

LUBEN

Popeye.

ABROM

No way. Mighty Mouse would kick Popeye’s ass.

LUBEN

Dude, Popeye’s a sailor and any sailor can kill any mouse. I mean Popeye could use his knowledge of the sea to his advantage.

ABROM

Haven’t you ever heard the Mighty Mouse theme song, “On the SEA or on the land / He gets the situation well in hand.”

LUBEN

Okay, what about Popeye’s tattoos. Popeye has tats, man, what’s Mighty Mouse got? Cow crap?

ABROM

I never thought of that.

LUBEN

Plus Popeye biffs, bops and always out-roughs’em. No to mention his blaming ability. All Mighty Mouse can do is save the day, what a pussy.

ABROM

I guess you’re right.

LUBEN

(Smirks) Mighty Mouse.

(Focus shifts back to the lovers)

GREG

Hey, I know what we can do Saturday. We can go see the new Ben Stiller movie, unless you have a problem with him too.

JENNA

I thought we decided on Bridges of Madison County.

GREG

We decided? You decided.

JENNA

Why can’t we do something I want to do?

GREG

We always do what you want.

JENNA

Don’t be a jerk.

GREG

I have to, it’s the only way I know how to respond to a selfish bitch.

JENNA

If I’m so selfish why do I put up with your shit?

GREG

Nobody is asking you.

JENNA

Fine asshole.

(JENNA gets up and moves over to sit next to KID.)

JEFF

That has got to be the funniest thing I’ve seen all week.

ADAM

You mean beside Cathy, right?

JEFF

Shut up, Adam.

MATT

You think she’s hot?

JEFF

Who? Jenna or Cathy?

MATT

Cathy.

ADAM

Well, I'm not a big fan of her hair but she does have a nice ass, not to mention-

MATT

Funny. Let me talk to you like the retard you are. (Slowly)Do you think Jenna is hot?

ADAM

Undeniably.

MATT

Yeah she is pretty hot. Think she’s a good lay?

JEFF

Probably, those kinda chicks are always nicey nice in the sack. But why would you care? A girl like that wouldn’t look at you twice.

(JENNA is disturbed by KID’s silence and moves over so that she is sitting opposite KID.)

ADAM

I think you should go for it man. If you’re really lucky she might not spit in your face right away. Whatever happens it should be good for a laugh.

MATT

Hey, hey. This is Matt we’re talking about here. Any girl would love to let me wine, dine, and bone them.

JEFF

What? Is your dick like a magical dowsing rod, finding wet vaginas in barren lands.

MATT

Yes, yes my penis is magical.

ADAM

Fine Merlin go use your magic wand to pick her up.

MATT

Maybe I will.

ADAM

Maybe, but probably not.

(MATT gets up and walks over to JENNA. He sits down next to her.)

MATT

Hey.

JENNA

Hey.

MATT

You feeling all right?

JENNA

No, but what do you care?

MATT

I care, I care.

JENNA

Sure you do. I suppose to you I’m a person with feelings and thoughts, right? And you value me as a person, right? To you I’m not just a piece of meat, a cunt with two breasts, right? To you I’m more.

MATT

(Overtaken by her venom) Actually I do just see you as a piece of meat.

JENNA

Fuck off.

MATT

Clearly you’re not sane right at the moment. I’ll come back later.

(MATT goes back to his original seat.)

JEFF

Ouch. That was harsh.

ADAM

What happened, did she fail to notice your magical prick.

MATT

Shut up, all right.

JEFF

Um ... no. The best part was when you said she isn’t sane. I thought she was going to kill you, man.

ADAM

Maybe an evil wizard dispelled the power of your penis. You might want to look into that.

JEFF

The expression on your face, dude, it was like a retard looking at a ferris wheel.

(ADAM gets up and walks over to where MATT is sitting and reaches for MATT’s crotch.)

MATT

What the fuck!

ADAM

I’m checking to make sure the magic is still there. Losing the power of your prick would be a shame.

MATT

Go away.

JEFF

No, I think he has a good idea. You can never be too careful when it comes to your penis. Maybe you should take it to a witch doctor.

MATT

Look in about a second I’m going to tear both your heads off.

ADAM

(To JEFF.) Maybe that’s it. The head of his penis was torn off.

(The focus shifts back to the stoners)

ABROM

Do you remember that show, The Golden Girls?

LUBEN

Dude, that one chick with the color still in her hair was such a slut.

ABROM

Yeah, who do you think was the hottest one?

LUBEN

That Dorothy chick. I love those tall chicken headed old babes. Plus I’ve heard that Be Arthur puts out. I bet her pussy looks like that basset hound from Bugs Bunny. The one with the droopy checks and stuff. Be Arthur probably has a droopy cunt.

ABROM

I always liked Rose. That Betty White reminds me of my mom.

LUBEN

You want to have sex with your mom?

ABROM

Yeah.

LUBEN

Me too, your mom’s hot.

ABROM

Yeah.

LUBEN

I’ll tell you what. That Estelle Getty was pretty hot too.

ABROM

Uh... Estelle Getty? She had that old grandma afro thing. It looked like her head was a piece of cauliflower.

LUBEN

She let her self age naturally. I find the sexy.

ABROM

Dude, she probably doesn’t even have bones anymore.

LUBEN

Even better. She would be like a puppet man. Completely responsive to all my motions.

ABROM

That’s sick man. Fucking Be Arthur is one thing but Estelle Getty?

LUBEN

I always loved how authoritative and mean spirited she was. That really fired me up man. Plus senility is a major turn on. In fact I would say that old senile women are way better than any teenage girl. When you think about it, any girl can have nice tits and a firm ass, but it takes a real woman to let her body go all wrinkly and wear diapers and shit. Plus they’ve already been through menopause so there is no chance of getting a dumbass little kid out of the whole sex thing. Another thing, old chicks won’t force you to do shit you don’t like to do. If you’re banging a ninety year old woman she isn’t going to ask to go see some chick flick. A ninety year old broad is like a puppy dog, willing to do anything you want. And to top all of this off you get into her will and make money. Can Britney Spears top any of that? She probably has demands, and feelings. You don’t get that with grandma.

ABROM

You’re sick man. I don’t know if I can hang with you anymore.

LUBEN

Don’t go.

(GREG gets up and walks over to JENNA. The focus shifts between the lovers and the stoners.)

GREG

Jenna, I have something to tell you.

ABROM

Dude, you can’t stop me.

GREG

I was sitting over there, thinking about us and I started writing, putting my thoughts on paper.

LUBEN

I don’t want to be alone.

GREG

This poem is for you.
You were meant for me
like slime on frog
or binding on a book.
Your smile warms me more
than an oven a chicken
or a furnace a house.
I could fall further into your eyes
than a climber off a mountain.
They hold meaning and importance
like a congregation of world leaders.
Your scent drives my desire more
than a wolf on the chase of a hare
preparing to rip it part
and drink its blood.
Enjoying the taste

JENNA

Uh.. Greg? Lay off the blood please.

GREG

Sorry.
You fit in my arms
like a substrate in an enzyme
or a square peg into a square hole.

ABROM

I’m going, as soon as I can get my balance.

JENNA

Oh Greg that was awful. But adorable.

(GREG and JENNA hug.)

ABROM

All right, I’m outa here. (He stands up and sees GREG and JENNA hugging.) As if this isn’t hard enough as it is, you two have to flaunt your love. (ABROM exits.)

LUBEN

(Stands up.) What am I doing? (Pours his open beer out on the rest of the case. LUBEN exits.)

JEFF

That was weird.

MATT

Hey! Why don’t you two get a room?

ADAM

Yeah, I don’t need to see you slobbering all over each other.

(GREG and JENNA break from there embrace. They face the guys.)

JENNA

You know what? You guys really need to grow up. Talking about magical penises. I’d be more attracted to the down syndrome kids than you three. If you ever want to actually do any of the crap you always talk about you need to learn how to treat a lady nice and not be so controlled by your pricks. I mean who do you guys have other than each other? And all you do is make fun of each other. How is that fulfilling. Like take Greg here. He is a sweet, funny, caring guy, nothing like you guys.

MATT

Whoa. Like him? He just plays up a few romantic acts and squeezes them for all they’re worth. Do you know how many chicks he has banged since he started going out with you?

JENNA

(To GREG) What?

GREG

We’ll talk about it later. (As GREG and JENNA exit GREG says to guys under his breath.) Shitheads.

ADAM

You guys need to grow up blah, blah, blah. Dumb bitch.

JEFF

You don’t think she had a point, do you?

MATT

Nah.

JEFF

Yeah, you’re right, what a dumb bitch.(Long pause. Shaken.) I’ve had enough work for one day, ya’know. I think I’ll head home.

ADAM

Yeah, let’s go.

MATT

Sure.

(MATT, JEFF, and ADAM exit. KID is all alone. KID looks around, picks up the stack of papers he/she has been writing and gets up, walks over to the trash can, takes of the lid, takes out a lighter, and as the lights slowly dim, sets the papers on fire. Pause as the flames spread. KID places the burning papers into the trash can. The flames rise up. KID stares into the flames.)

KID

Who am I?

(KID crosses back to his table, flips it over, throws his backpack over his shoulder and exits.)

(Blackout. End of play.)