Love is Not Easily Angered 2

Part of the "How To Love Your Elementary Student" series

So often, it crosses my mind: "I hate the threes, but the sixes come a close second." Three is a very difficult age. So many say that two is horrible, but no, they are just so full of energy that it is hard to keep up with them. At least with my children. Three is difficult because they are getting stubborn and expect you to know what they are saying and thinking, but their speech is still developing, and when your children have speech impediments like mine, it is almost impossible to understand them when they get worked up.

Now that my son is in first grade and six years old, I am finding it almost as hard. My son can articulate now much better than three years ago; he is still working on his speech, but we can understand most of what he says now. No, now it is not about him not being able to be understood; it is about attitude. Where at five he was a sweet boy who didn’t give us trouble, six turned him into an eye-rolling, back-talking kid who thinks he is hilarious in everything he does or does not do.

Of course, I am making it sound as if it is a constant struggle. It isn’t, but for at least half the week, it feels like it. The battle got better when he discontinued homeschooling and went to mainstream school. In school, however, he doesn’t get all his energy out, and he is concentrating so much that he is really doing well, but when he is out of school, the energy is expended in ways that look to be acting out and grating on my nerves.

It is as though he is instinctively finding pet peeves that I didn’t even know plagued me. Of course, he is my first six-year-old. Telling me outright "no" when I ask him to do something, no matter how nice or mean my tone is; he likes to tell me what to do; and so many other things, but it all combines to make me want to scream sometimes, and one time I went in the bathroom and did just that.

This seems like just a long, frustrating rant, and it is, but I don’t want you to think that my life is just one long struggle against my son. It isn’t. He can be adorable a lot of the time and very helpful. To give you an example, just the other day, after a huge blowout, he turned around and asked what he could do to help clean up. I am guessing to make up for his behavior because, of course, he won’t acknowledge that he was wrong. I told him to clean his room. At first he resisted, but then he did it, vacuumed it, and cleaned and vacuumed his sister’s room as well.

The next day, I went to church. I almost didn’t; so much was conspiring against me. While Ben was behaving, lately I find the music hard to bear for its volume, and I was helping my husband clean up the backyard. We eventually made it, but we were late. Nobody minded, and that is one of the reasons I love our church. All the few people who noticed said was "it is fine, you made it!"

To continue with the story, I couldn’t connect with the sermon. It was a good one, but I felt like I had closed myself off from God and hearing it. I am sure we all have those moments where we feel the world is out to get us and try to shut it out. After the sermon, the pastor led us in prayer. I ended up praying about Ben. I am asking God for a solution for forgiveness, as I know there are times when I probably overreact. Of the entire morning, one phrase reverberated through me: "Show Ben grace."

Grace is the topic of many a sermon and song on the radio, but what does it look like in our lives? For the answer, we, of course, turn to the Bible. According to the pastors, grace is when God shows unmerited favor toward those who don’t deserve it. It is generally spoken about in regards to Jesus’ sacrifice and how God now shows us grace through our salvation. But that doesn’t answer the question of how we can turn around and do the same for others.

The dictionary gives many definitions of grace, including the accepted belief mentioned before. Grace is a title for a Lord or a Lady; it is said before mealtimes, but I think the most appropriate one for this situation is courteous goodwill. Our children are learning and growing. I think that six is an age, much like three, where they are pushing their boundaries to see what they can get away with. Also, being in school and being surrounded by kids and other influences, they are trying to emulate others’ behaviors, whether they are positive or negative in nature.

As parents, it is up to us to define what is acceptable or not. We need to understand, though, that our children are still going to push and challenge us. Giving them slack on some things—the non-dangerous and harmful things—shows goodwill toward our kids. How often does God do the same for us? I certainly don’t deserve the blessings and help that I get from him from time to time. I appreciate them nevertheless.

I am trying to work on showing my son grace every day. Instead of taking instant offense at his fake farting at me for the thousandth time, I am telling him that I don’t appreciate it and walking away. When he tells me no, he won’t do something, I tell him no when he asks for ice cream, but in a calm manner. The trick, I believe, is to be consistent.

Our children will continue to draw attention to themselves, even if it is negative attention. They want us to notice them, love them, and spend time with them. Especially when you have more than one, it is hard to make quality time for each child. It is hard to not let those irritating and purposefully attention-grabbing behaviors make us angry. Take a deep breath, think about God, and show your kids the same grace that is shown to you every day.

Reflections:

What buttons do your kids know to push?
How do you normally react?
What can you do or say differently to show them grace?