Essence of Living

Those who have hurt and the depression that comes with fighting for redemption

WHY do you live? WHY do you love? WHY do you cry? WHY do you fight?

Whatever I crawl towards, it always starts with a why or has a why. Every moment that I felt happiness or sadness had a why.

In the hollowness and mess of my mind that I live in, it was the WHY that has kept me fighting. It’s the why I am still trying to crawl out and see the light.

But my why has fallen apart. It fell in love with the hollowness and the mess. It drowned in the comfort of the white noise that comes with loneliness.

I cry, but the tears bring me warmth. The pain that I suffer at my own hands reminds me that my heart is still alive.

Yes, I am broken, and my WHY is drowned in darkness — but that’s okay. Because of all the pain I caused others, and the pain my actions continue to cause, my why needs to be not for me, but for others.

If I live for me and not to make up for the pain that my mistakes have caused, I will be cold-blooded.

And I would rather suffer every minute, live in darkness every minute, swim in my own blood, than live like a cold-blooded monster.

The pain is a reminder to get better. And I don’t know if I will live my entire life in pain and never get better — but that’s fine. I have accepted the pain, the darkness.

The pain then became my gift. Because now, whoever I lose or whatever I lose, it doesn’t faze me. It’s like, that’s fine. I deserve it. And I accept it.