This is where I rot - 25.09.2025

These are the bits of me I don’t say out loud. Some of them make no sense. Also TW

Well, at least by day 5 of this random journaling word-vomit, fucking piece of bullshit, I can cry now... Well, not because I am writing my feelings out, but as usual, something is happening that I did not plan...

So there is not going to be a long fuck ass intro into my whole day, let§s just get straight to the point, OK? OK.

So this guy and I were planning a hangout. The whole day goes by, where we kinda chat and all, still unsure why he hasn't cancelled on me. So night rolls around, I am on my notebook doing some late-night work sessions, and now he texts.

For a bit of background, we agreed to go to a place I know and also a little detour before to get something done. I planned the detour to be a talk session so I can ask him about things. About the things I am feeling, I wanted to be straightforward and all, before going into grabbing the food/eating out somewhere.

So he says that there is something in the way; if we still want to go, we would need to skip the detour. Welp, I did not plan this... Instead of texting back, I just go smoke some ciggies. He told me in the morning that we would plan out the details. So I am sitting outside, and I am looking like a random piece of luxury trash. A couple of hours ago, I was getting my teeth whitened by these random whitening strips that I picked up in a random pharmacy, washing and conditioning my hair, making sure I look good.

So fast forward, I am texting this boss lady from yesterday, for context, we all know each other outside of work, she also knows about the thing that happened between me and my crush, so she figured out 1+1 equals 2. I tell her I am so fucking confused, since IDK if he is stripping me with his eyes, or what the fuck is going on.

Well, she tells me, it is most likely just a friendship between the two of us. Well, I did not plan this. I thought that this could be the start of a new chapter in my life. Turns out it is most likely just me thinking basic human kindness is immediately love. Why am I like this? Or why does this happen, that when I think something could work out, it immediately just yeets itself the fuck out of my life. Even if he had just sent me South, at least I would have known what the fuck is going on. Now, I don't even want to go.

I see my ex living his life with someone else at places we have gone to in the past. Fuck that is like ripping and band-aid off of my heart. But this fucking text from the boss lady. Almost like she took a knife with 3 rotating blades and punched it into my heart.

Like I said in the beginning, I like to plan things out. I always have different scenarios planned out in my head, like usually 3, but this late-night word-vomit of a bullshit piece of fucking wave of emotions was not on my agenda today. Tonight, I wanted to live in my bubble of thinking there could be a 50/50 chance of something happening or not. Yes, you may think I am a kid for being like this. Bitch, I have been like this my whole life, plan something and do it like this. Like, if I go on a holiday, I check Google Maps one million times to become a fucking local and know that Mrs. Wholeass walks her dog on the Bronx every single day between 2 PM and 2:30 PM. Maybe I am a control freak? Could be. Like, you could drop me off on a random ass street in Amsterdam and I should know my way around.

To be fair, HE did not say anything and most likely has fallen asleep, but now everything has been fucked up. You know, growing up, I was overweight and was bullied for it. After 1+ decades later, I still am afraid to go swimming, be shirtless around someone, and shit like this. Like, I am not toned or muscular or something, but I'd say I have a normal figure. Well, I still think I am me when I was bullied.

Anyway, enough of my childhood. Now I am a white ghost, like something sitting in front of my monitor and writing this fucking word-vomit piece of bullshit. But for crying out loud, he hugs me and shit. Does he hug everyone? No. His immediate colleagues used to tell me he hugs just a select bunch of people.

I just felt like I mattered... I felt like someone was loving me. Looks like not... Why would he hook up with me? Alcohol? Was he dared? Was his drink spiked?

Well, I did not plan this... He used to tell me he is searching for someone as well, but could not find someone who would want the same thing as he does. I could feel a yellow arrow appear over my head when he says this. Like, hey, I want you, I want to do dates, I want hugs, I want cuddles, I want all you want as well.


In some ways, I am proud of myself, like a couple of years ago, I would have been getting panic attacks over some bullshit like this. Now I am just crying while listening to Adele. Ohhh Adele, if you knew... I used to get drunk and put on "All I ask" by Adele and just sob while the song is on an endless loop. Her face just basically burned into my retina, and anytime something like this happens, she is looming in front of my eyes. I sometimes wonder what she would say now? You know, one thing instantly makes me cry, right now even more, is that, when I was at her concert, while she was ending, she said the words "I love you, and I always will", something I never heard from someone, and just so fucking desperately want to hold someone in my arms, look deep down each others eyes, and then he would say these words "I love you Echo, and I always will".

Well, now that despair is just floating the fuck away. Why the fuck is it floating away? We did not even meet or talk. TF ECHO? Why is someone getting into your head, saying random ass fucking bullshit about the two of you.

Fuck now I am mad at myself for being so fucking naive. Well, I planned to cry myself to sleep. Now I am angry. Fuck I did not plan this...