The Spectacle (1 of 2)

Absurdity overpowers sanity!

         
         
The Spectacle that Should Never Under Any Circumstances Be Performed
("The Spectacle")


CHARACTERS...


Guy "Disclaimer Guy" Person (GUY, Disclaimer Guy) - A man who is murdered at the beginning of the play.


Cain Abraham St. John (CAIN, Cain St. John) - A volatile, amoral man. His "real job" is being a detective.


Lucas James Monroe (LUCAS, Lucas Monroe) - A pragmatic PR manager who just wants Quayle to say something smart. He has (and has had since age 5) an ADHD diagnosis, but this is more of a "neutral" factor in his job performance rather than a strictly "positive" or "negative" factor.


Zoe Eleanor Greeley (ZOE, Zoe Greeley) - A PR manager and prosecutor obsessed with Cam Quayle's attire and said attire "looking nice/neat".


Cameron Fred "Cam" Quayle (CAM, Cam Quayle) - The governor of Colorado. He won because the two most popular names in the gubernatorial election were the heads of some incorrigible scandals that disqualified them, and Quayle was the sole recognizable name remaining. He is very susceptible to tautology (saying something extremely obvious as if it's profound).


Orson Ulysses Wilder (ORSON, Orson Wilder) - A logic-loving, academic, intellectual man who likes philosophy and logical reasoning. He likes to quote Shakespeare. He is President of the Club of Philosophical Reasoning (COPR), which he founded.


Rowan Bailey Walther (ROWAN, Rowan Walther) - A friend of Lucas and a friend of Orson. He is the vice president and co-founder of COPR. Walther may be played by a male or female. The script uses "he/him" pronouns, but the script may be altered with simple pronoun changes if Rowan is played by a girl.


Edith Leona "Edie" Quayle (n Burr) (EDIE, Edie Quayle) - Cam Quayle's sweet wife who is likely constantly thinking "bless his heart" when watching the poor man try to talk on TV.


Michaela Marie Rodney-Matheson (n Rodney) (MICHAELA, Michaela Rodney-Matheson) - COPR member. She takes the club a little too seriously.


Lionel Oscar Siciliano - COPR member. He's got some crazy ideas, but they're "so crazy, they just might work". According to him, at least.


Avery McKenzie Ferrell (FERRELL, Avery Ferrell) - COPR member. Referred to most often by his/her surname. He's kind of a "troll" and doesn't take the club super seriously.


Schuyler Leigh Monroe (SCHUYLER, Schuyler Monroe) - Lucas's strange, but very kind brother. He's eccentric, but it's fun.


John Anthony Louison (JOHN, John Louison) - The judge of Orson's trial. He's more chill than your average judge, but he's competent.


Lamont Michael "Geordie" McGeorge (GEORDIE, Geordie McGeorge) - A defense attorney from the bayou with a thick Cajun accent. He compulsively dries off his face because he incessantly sweats. He is Orson's lawyer.






All characters can and do break the fourth wall. The explanation for this is that the characters simply don't know that that's not something they're "allowed" to do.


          PROLOGUE (by MASON SHAFER)


          (Curtains closed. They open. Enter GUY.)


          GUY: (Terrified, to the audience.) I do not have much time, and I've got a lot to say, so let me explain it really quickly to ensure that I get it all. I am the Disclaimer Guy, and what I'm here to say is that, during the show, please silence all thingies that flash and all thingies that cry. Also, the views and claims made in this that seem outwardly inflammatory are likely merely satirical and should not be taken completely seriously-


          CAIN: (Enters.) Hey, Guy.


          GUY: (To the audience.) Enjoy the show!-


          CAIN: (Knocks out GUY with a frying pan.) What a doofus. (He looks at GUY.) Oh- oh my God. I think I killed him. (To the audience.) Hey, if anyone asks, that wasn't me, OK?






          ACT 1, SCENE 1 (by MASON SHAFER)


          ("GOVERNOR HALL". This is a place where the governor can talk to the people. Enter CAM, LUCAS, and ZOE.)


          LUCAS: Go ahead, Cam.


          ZOE: Not yet! His tie is a little too long! I wouldn't want Quayle to have a tie that's a little longer than it should be!


          LUCAS: (Sigh.) How... how "too long" is Cam's tie, Zoe?


          ZOE: (Eyeballing CAM's tie.) It's got to be nearly four inches too long!


          LUCAS: Most people are watching this either from afar or on a 480p broadcast on their TV at home. I don't really think we should be very worried about a four-inch error.


          ZOE: Lucas, don't you have OCD or ADHD or something like that?! Why doesn't this bother you?!


          LUCAS: Zoe, that's not really what OCD or ADHD is- look, it doesn't matter, OK?! Just let him get him up there!


          ZOE: All right.


          CAM: (Goes up on stage.) Good morning, America. And Denver. Which is in America. The United States, that is.


          LUCAS: Cam! You're the governor of Colorado! Talk a little more Coloradoan! Or at least a little more human!


          CAM: (To LUCAS.) Right. (To DENVER PEOPLE.) People of Denver, I come here today to speak candidly. I think, as all of you know, I am a simple, plainspoken man. I don't fancy all that "nonsense" nonsense.


          LUCAS: That's better! Keep it up!


          ZOE: That- that tie! If only I could-


          LUCAS: Shh!


          CAM: All right Denver, Colorado. What do you want to ask me? Ask me anything, and I'll try to answer the best I can.


          LUCAS: (To self, making a fist.) Yes!


          DENVERIAN #1: What do you plan to do about the recent economic decline that some small towns near Denver have been experiencing?


          CAM: I and some other officials have been working to better the economy in smaller areas, though bureaucracy has stopped us many a time. Poverty is a financial issue.


          DENVERIAN #1: Poverty... is a... financial issue?


          CAM: Correct!


          LUCAS: Oh dear God.


          ZOE: Right?! Colorado's gonna HATE that tie! It's such an ugly color!


          LUCAS: Not what I was talking about- J- just... whatever... Shush.


          ZOE: A man silencing a woman? Typical.


          LUCAS: (Trying to show ZOE that she's stereotyping. The delivery comes off as a little outwardly sexist because he is frustrated.) A woman complaining? Typical.


          ZOE: (Taking it incorrectly.) Stereotyping much?!


          LUCAS: You LITERALLY JUST- (Sigh.) Just... be QUIET!


          DENVERIAN #2: OK, Mr. Quayle... so who's that guy next to you and why's he so worried? Also same with the girl.


          CAM: Oh, (Indicating LUCAS, then ZOE.) This guy? This is Lucas Monroe. The girl is named Zoe. Zoe Greeley. My PR managers, I mean. They're the reason I'm still governor. I mean *a* reason. There's many reasons out there. I'm good at governance, but they're better. I'm better, but because of them. My PR team that is.


          LUCAS: (About to pull out his hair, mumbling to himself.) Quayle, there's no way in Heaven... or on Earth that you're this stupid.


          ZOE: Especially with that tie!


          DENVERIAN #3: (Yelling from afar.) Why should we elect you again?


          CAM: Because America is beautiful. And my goal is to keep it that way. The beautiful way, that is. America the Beautiful is the home of the free and the land of the brave.


          LUCAS: Cam... could you... could you not?






          ACT 1, SCENE 2 (by MASON SHAFER)


          (SETTING: ORSON's house. ORSON is with CAIN.)


          CAIN: You know, murder is justifiable.


          ORSON: Cain, brother! You are foolish to say this!


          CAIN: You are foolish to call me your brother, Orson. We don't have the same parents.


          ORSON: I meant "brother" in a figurative sense.


          CAIN: Many such cases.


          ORSON: Of what?


          CAIN: No matter.


          ORSON: Right... Well, a murder's "justifiability", if there is any, is completely reliant on morals and the motive.


          CAIN: The "motive"?


          ORSON: The reason for killing the person. Does this hypothetical person pose any kind of threat?


          CAIN: Let's say... no.


          ORSON: Was the murder at least not a premeditated effort, but rather in the "heat of the moment?"


          CAIN: You could say that.


          ORSON: I could say what?


          CAIN: That it was in the heat of the moment.


          ORSON: (Slight pause. Interrogatively.) Cain, did you murder someone by chance?


          CAIN: What? No! Silly! The hypothetical person did! Don't get us mixed up!


          ORSON: Cain, You say "What? No! Silly!" every time you lie. It is the most blatantly obvious tell. (Looking at the audience, still talking to CAIN.) I sure hope you don't do that at a time that would be inapt for you, Cain. That could get you in trouble. (CAIN stops looking at the audience.)


          CAIN: What? No! Silly! ("Read" is in the past tense in this line.) I'm not an idiot! (Realizes he just accidentally displayed his tell again.) Well, um- Listen! I read the script! THAT MUCH is true!


          ORSON: Your gimmickiness aside, what else have you been up to, my murderous brother?


          CAIN: Well, "THEY" have been telling me a lot.


          ORSON: Who is "THEY"?


          CAIN: THEY are more of a "what" than THEY are a "who". THEY tell me to do things, I listen. I can't help it.


          ORSON: Is there an urge that these "THEY" entities give you, or what?


          CAIN: No, that would make too much sense. I listen to the THEY of my own volition.


          ORSON: This just feels so out of character for you. You're a detective at our local police precinct, Cain. I've lived with you for nigh on a decade, and you've never mentioned that you have voices in your head.


          CAIN: THEY've told me not to tell you.


          ORSON: Why do you tell me now?


          CAIN: Well, I thought it was important.


          ORSON: Right... And it wasn't important to not kill that guy?


          CAIN: THEY said I should kill him. So I did. Of my own volition, of course. THEY gave me this in return (gets out a thimble.)


          ORSON: A thimble? My God, Cain, you just wanted to kill!


          CAIN: The thimble is really cool, I swear.


          ORSON: (Gets out his phone to call the police.) Yes, and I'm sure the police will think it's cool, too.


          CAIN: Come on, Orson! Aren't I your brother?


          ORSON: No, you are foolish to call me your brother. As I was foolish to call you mine. (Continues to dial the police.)


          CAIN: Ah-ah-ah. (Gets out a gun.) I wouldn't do that if I were you, Orson.


          ORSON: (Sigh.) Right.






          ACT 1, SCENE 3 (by MASON SHAFER)


          (SETTING: CAM and LUCAS are in GOVERNOR HALL. LUCAS is advising CAM about future campaigning strategies.)


          LUCAS: Cam, I suggest for the next time you speak with the people that you give a little more depth to what you're saying.


          CAM: Yeah, but...


          LUCAS: But what?


          CAM: It is dishonest to be anyone but myself.


          LUCAS: Self-improvement does not necessarily lead to inauthenticity, Cam.


          CAM: You use those big words. In English. But I want to speak American.


          LUCAS: I know that you mean you want to appeal to the people, but I just want to say that I highly disenjoy when people use the phrase "speak American," no matter the context. I know it's petty, but I just wanted to point that out.


          CAM: Not to judge you or anything, but you are right to say you're being petty.


          LUCAS: Many such cases!


          CAM: Of what?


          LUCAS: Of pettiness. I'm not the only one. The People of our States struggle with making decisions because they base their decisions on pet peeves and not the bigger picture. The partisan system is meant to denote, not divide. If I'm part of one party, a member of the "other" party shouldn't hesitate to vote for me because of my partisan label. But when you give that arbitrary label power, it becomes much harder to vote for the individual and partisan terms become shorthands for policy.


          CAM: Bo-ring!


          LUCAS: What?!


          CAM: Bo-ring!


          LUCAS: Surely you can't be serious.


          CAM: I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.


          LUCAS: Cam, I just confided in you! I told you my feelings! What- Why are you doing this?


          CAM: Well, it would help if I knew my lines.


          LUCAS: What?! You didn't memorize your lines?! Cam!


          CAM: I memorized them, but I don't know them. Now. At this moment.


          LUCAS: Cam, you do realize we're performing the show right now in front of a LIVE AUDIENCE, correct?


          CAM: False.


          LUCAS: Cam, you're being ridiculous!


          CAM: No, I'm being Cam. Because I am Cam.


          LUCAS: (Avoiding further digression.) No matter. (Getting back on track.) What's important is that you've got to get the people to like you! Someway, somehow! Votes are projected to be at an all-time low this election!


          CAM: A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.


          LUCAS: That's... correct, but not quite what I was getting at. You need to get the people to like you. Put out a populist message! Do what is best for the People and the country! Simultaneously!


          CAM: Ooh, I've just gotten an idea! What about: (Patriotic music (probably an orchestral arrangement of the Star Spangled Banner begins to play.) I pledge allegiance to the flag... of the United States of America... and to the Republic-


          (Music abruptly stops as LUCAS interrupts.)


          LUCAS: Cam, that's the Pledge of Allegiance!


          CAM: And?


          LUCAS: That's not a campaign slogan!


          CAM: And?


          LUCAS: Do not say "And?" one more time.


          CAM: No.


          LUCAS: Well, at least you didn't say "And?" again. You're a bit irritating at times, you know that?


          CAM: And?


          (LUCAS slowly turns to CAM and gives CAM a stare of death. Enter ROWAN.)


          ROWAN: I can tell you strange news that you yet dreamt not of!


          CAM: Are they good?


          ROWAN: As the event stamps them, but they have a good cover. They show well outward. You see, my friend Orson Wilder, the president of the COPR - the Club of Philosophical Reasoning is the unabbreviated version of that, if you're unaware, Mr. Quayle - has been living with his blood brother Cain St. John for a long time. Cain St. John now poses a significant threat to the Coloradoan people, as he has become a murderous self-controlled puppet directed by the mysterious and multitudinous entity, (Yelling) THEY... All letters in "THEY" are capitalized, that's why I said it so loud.


          LUCAS: Understood. Please continue, Rowan, my friend.


          ROWAN: Cain and the suppos THEY, walking in a thick-pleached alley in mine orchard, were thus much overheard by a man of mine-


          LUCAS: Not in Elizabethan English, please.


          CAM: (To LUCAS.) Aw man! You're no fun!


          LUCAS: (To CAM.) Shush! (To ROWAN.) Go on, please.


          ROWAN: Cain and supposedly THEY, while walking through some Coloradoan woods, were seen by COPR member Lionel Siciliano. Lionel told me that after eavesdropping for a little while, he overheard Cain seemingly asking the air for the whereabouts of Governor Cam Quayle. Sirs, I must bring to your attention that the last person Cain was directed towards by THEY, Guy Person, was recently murdered by Cain. This could mean tragedy for not just you, Governor Quayle, but for the state of Colorado!


          CAM: Why thanks, that was very informative, (Looking at ROWAN's sticker.) Mr., um... Wal... (pronouncing the "th" like in "thunder") WalTHer.


          LUCAS: ("Whispering" to CAM.) Cam, it's pronounced "Walter".


          ROWAN: You can just call me Rowan, Mr. Governor.


          LUCAS: Oh, for the love of God.


          ROWAN: Well, I am glad that all things sort so well. Goodbye!


          CAM: Bye!


          LUCAS: Bye!






          ACT 1, SCENE 4 (by MASON SHAFER)


          (SETTING: ORSON's house. Enter CAM and LUCAS.)


          ORSON: (Letting CAM and LUCAS in.) What's up, guys?


          CAM: Do you know a man named Orson Wilder, by chance?


          ORSON: Well, of course I know him. He's me.


          LUCAS: So, Mr. Wilder, friend of my dear friend Rowan, do you have any idea where one Cain St. John may be?


          ORSON: Not a clue.


          CAM: Me neither.


          LUCAS: Cam, why in God's name would you know? What purpose did saying "me neither" just now serve?


          CAM: None in particular.


          ORSON: If it's any consolation, you two, (Gets out CAIN's manifesto.) I did find this document Cain wrote titled "Cain's Manifesto". It basically just describes what THEY are going to direct him to do next. Perhaps it will help you guys.


          LUCAS: Oh thank the Lord! A lead!


          ORSON: There is one caveat, though.


          LUCAS: Oh no. Just tell us, we're prepared.


          ORSON: The entire thing is written in Latin.


          LUCAS: NO!


          CAM: Lucas, you liar! You weren't prepared!


          LUCAS: Shut up!


          ORSON: Know either of you anyone who can translate Latin?


          CAM: Most of my family barely even knows their native language, let alone a second one.


          LUCAS: I don't know anyone either, I don't think. Wait, my brother Schuyler! He's gotten some schooling for Latin.


          CAM: But wait. Don't confuse schooling with education.


          LUCAS: What?! Schooling IS education, you idiot!


          CAM: I'm not an idiot! I vote!


          LUCAS: What?


          CAM: An idiot is a person who doesn't vote. In Ancient Greece, anyway.


          LUCAS: Are we in Ancient Greece?


          CAM: Greece is in Europe, correct? Europe plays a major role in NATO. We, the United States, have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.


          LUCAS: I'm at odds with how much I can't even with you.


          ORSON: Do you guys always argue like this?


          CAM: It depends.


          LUCAS: It depends on whether or not Cam is being an idiot!


          CAM: Hey! Not true! I already said I vote!


          ORSON: You guys should probably go to that Schuyler guy's house.


          CAM: True.


          ACT 1, SCENE 5


          (SETTING: GOVERNMENT HALL. In attendance there is ROWAN, LIONEL, MICHAELA, and FERRELL. This is a COPR meeting.)


          (Enter EDIE.)


          ROWAN: Well, we have Edie Quayle with us as a guest, but Orson cannot attend today.


          MICHAELA: Oh no!


          ROWAN: And now, instead of Vice President, I am going to have to take on the responsibility of being Acting President.


          MICHAELA: Why?!


          ROWAN: Well, Mrs. Rodney-Matheson, the Club's Orson Wilder was just arrested for the murders of three people. Guy Person is one of the people he allegedly murdered.


          MICHAELA: Weren't it Cain St. John who killed those guys?


          FERRELL: Weren't grammar important?


          EDIE: (Clutches pearls.) My! Why are you so rude?


          FERRELL: I'm not rude. I'm Avery Ferrell.


          LIONEL: Guys. Guys. Hear me out... what if this is a deliberate plan by our corrupt government-


          FERRELL: (Interrupting.) Oh, this is going to be fun.


          LIONEL: (Continuing.) ...Wha- What if this framing of Wilder is a deliberate plan by the government, the swamp, to further instill fear in the people?


          MICHAELA: And what if elephants were pink, Lionel Siciliano? We can discuss possibilities, but those possibilities have got to be... y'know, possible.


          LIONEL: I'm just putting the question out there, that's all.


          ROWAN: Your point has been heard, Lionel. Though I do not believe that that is a likely contender for what's going on. Occam's razor, people.


          MICHAELA: Well, if we're going with Occam's razor, it's likely just that Cain framed Orson for the murders Cain committed.


          FERRELL: Bo-ring.


          ROWAN: Ferrell, please be respectful.


          FERRELL: I can't be respectful! I can only be Ferrell! Because I'm Ferrell!


          LIONEL: Are you trying to sound like the Governor?


          EDIE: Are you mocking my husband?


          FERRELL: Cam Quayle is a genius and true American patriot.


          EDIE: And my husband. So speak kindly about him.


          MICHAELA: Rowan, I believe I speak for the Club when I say I think Ferrell needs to be censured, even if only for a little bit.


          EDIE: Michaela speaks for me, too. Why, I wouldn't be against kicking him out, if I do say so myself!


          FERRELL: What, you all want to take away the right the Fathers gave me to speak freely?!


          ROWAN: Ferrell, I'm pretty damned sure you know exactly what you're doing. Management of profoundly disruptive behavior in civil group discussion is not oppression. Please remove yourself if you do not wish to be productive.


          FERRELL: I'm being productive! I'm saying words, aren't I?!


          LIONEL: "Foul words are but foul wind, and foul wind is but foul breath, and foul breath is noisome." That's Shakespeare, which Orson loves, so it's not just some stupid conspiracy theory I read on a forum on my camera phone.


          ROWAN: Thank you, Lionel.


          FERRELL: (Mocking ROWAN.) Thank you, Lionel.


          ROWAN: Leave.


          FERRELL: I don't have to.


          MICHAELA: Ferrell, you were told to do something! It's not oppression by authority to simply remove yourself from this room!


          FERRELL: If that's how I perceive it, that's likely how it is.


          ROWAN: You qualified your statement with "likely", meaning that there are cases where authority may tell you to leave. I believe that this is one. Remove yourself or someone is going to for you.


          FERRELL: Fine. (Exit FERRELL.)


          LIONEL: (Waiting until FERRELL is fully exited.) Hey, so does anyone want to have a beer while Ferrell's gone? I know I'm exhausted. Between all the UFO sightings, - most of them mine, but I digress - uh, the untrustworthy government, and the recent compulsion so many have to bait people just to get a rise out of 'em, I think some good old Yuengling beer would get us all a mite more relaxed and happy. The American dream.


          ROWAN: (Patriotically.) Amen, brother.


          EDIE: You are a kind man, Lionel. I'll take the free beer.


          MICHAELA: I have no opposing comment.


          (LIONEL gets out his beers and they all open them and have a drink.)






          ACT 1, SCENE 6 (by MASON SHAFER)


          (SETTING: SCHUYLER's house. SCHUYLER lets CAM and LUCAS in.)


          CAM: You know, this house is remarkably similar to Orson's.


          LUCAS: Perhaps that is because this is a STAGE PLAY, Cameron!


          SCHUYLER: Greetings, brother! And you, Mr. Governor. It is a pleasure to meet you, if I do say so myself.


          LUCAS: Schuyler, you know Latin correct?


          SCHUYLER: I am fluent in over six million forms of communication. That is, if I were a protocol droid, I would be. Ha. Jokes aside, I know about eight languages, and Latin is indeed one of those.


          CAM: Great! Do you mind if we have it in the form of an OCR-scanned PDF or does it have to be a plain TXT file?


          LUCAS: I don't think file format matters here, Cam. My brother is wired differently, but he's not a literal computer program.


          CAM: Does he have autism or something?


         (LUCAS looks at CAM a little angrily. LUCAS is prepared to protect his brother if need be.)


          SCHUYLER: Yes.


          LUCAS: (Pleasantly surprised.) All right! Straight to the point, Schuyler! Good man!


          SCHUYLER: It's not really something I can help. It's kind of a thing I have to deal with my entire life, so there's no point in being dishonest about it.


          CAM: That's a good point.


          SCHUYLER: Anyways, yes, I can read the Latin text. In any format, Mr. Governor.


          LUCAS: (Gets out phone.) I'm sending the file your way now.


          SCHUYLER: (Gets out phone. His phone case looks like Shadow the Hedgehog.) I have received the file. Thank you, Lucas, dear brother.


          LUCAS: Of course!


          SCHUYLER: (Examining the text.) The Latin is written understandably, but this is very provincial. No person who ever wrote in Latin wrote like this. The phrasing and grammar are fine, but it definitely reads like someone who speaks English learned Latin and then translated things literally and put it in a so-called "manifesto".


          CAM: Could you stop saying useless nerd stuff and get to the point?


          LUCAS: Hey! Be nice! He was probably just about to get there!


          SCHUYLER: You would be correct to say that, Lucas. (To the audience.) People sure tend to be cruel to autistics without noticing, don't they? (Stops breaking the fourth wall.) I was just about to "get there". Look, the manifesto basically says that someone called "THEY" are mandating Cain St. John to "manifest destiny". Contradictorally, St. John also specifies that there is no discernible consequence for not following the direction of these "THEY".


          LUCAS: "Manifest destiny"?! What destiny is being manifested?


          CAM: Are Canada's provinces finally going to become States in the United States of America? Ooh! (Possessed by the spirit of Andrew Jackson.) Can we drive out the native people and force them to live in little communities and somehow say it's "constitutional"?!


          LUCAS: Cam, the spirit of Andrew Jackson is possessing you again, I think.


          CAM: Oh. Oops. Sorry.


          SCHUYLER: The amorality of the past of the United States aside, the "manifest destiny" seems to be to fulfill some murderous prophecy. From what I'm reading, this guy is going to go on a serial rampage with a frying pan and a bribed law enforcement system. He got some quote "predestined money", which seems to just come from straight-up money laundering.


          LUCAS: Is Orson Wilder involved?


          SCHUYLER: No, but, strangely enough, the manifesto seems to describe exactly how he's going to frame Orson for all the murders.


          LUCAS: You've got to be kidding!


          CAM: I love court hearings and trials. I get to sit and do nothing. Doing nothing is my favorite thing ever to do.


          LUCAS: We know.


          CAM: That is, besides smooching my wife on the lips.


          LUCAS: Thanks for sharing, Cam.


          CAM: And then afterward-


          LUCAS: Ah-ah-ah! Cameron, this is a show meant for ALL AGES.


          CAM: Right.


          LUCAS: Well, Schuyler, we best be going.


          SCHUYLER: Have fun storming the castle!






          ACT 1, SCENE 7 (by MASON SHAFER)


          (SETTING: A courtroom that looks suspiciously similar to GOVERNMENT HALL. Judge JOHN LOUISON is judging the case. In the room, ORSON, GEORDIE (ORSON's lawyer), ZOE, LUCAS, and CAM are present.)


          LUCAS: I can't believe Zoe is the prosecutor of this trial.
         
         CAM: Yeah, considering my recent speech, you'd think she'd be more worried about PR management.


          JOHN: (Slams his gavel once. Maybe twice.) Order in the court! Let us begin with opening statements, please. Ms. Greeley, you may start, I suppose.


          ZOE: I think it's more than suffice - maybe even insufficient - to say that the evidence against Mr. Wilder will be damningly conclusive. Today, I'll show this here that I meticulously organized, a plethora of findings that the jury will be tasked with weighing. I hope the correct decision is made. Thank you.


          JOHN: Thank you, Zoe. Mr. McGeorge - Geordie - you may go next.


          GEORDIE: (Thick Cajun accent.) Thank you, Your Honor. I believe the evidence I'll show today will hopefully get the ladies and gentlemen of the jury to finally see the truth. This wasn't Wilder. It was Cain St. John, plain and simple. The narrative illustrated by the prosecution, while well-crafted and very creative, could not be further from the truth. Thank you.


          JOHN: Thank you, Geordie. The prosecution may call her first witness.


          ZOE: I call to the stand... One Detective Cain St. John.


          (Enter CAIN.)


          JOHN: State your name for the record.


          CAIN: My name is Cain Abraham St. John. I am a tenured and highly respected detective-


          JOHN: Just needed your name, sir. Ms. Greeley may start the examination.


          ZOE: Detective, what's your job?


          CAIN: Why, I'm a police detective of course! Orson and I dabble in philosophy, or rather dabbled until he became a murderer.


          GEORDIE: Objection, Your Honor!


          JOHN: Sustained.


          GEORDIE: There's some clear bias here. Cain St. John, as I see it, is much too close to the case to be a detective called to the stand. I believe the jury should take whatever he says with a grain of salt.


          JOHN: Duly noted. Thank you, Mr. McGeorge.


          CAIN: As I was saying, I think people should be taking the direction of the THEY. The THEY will guide us through this case-


          GEORDIE: Objection, Your Honor!


          JOHN: Sustained.


          GEORDIE: Relevance! I'd like to say when the United States was created, our Fathers wanted us to have a separation of church and state, correct?


          JOHN: What are you getting at here?


          GEORDIE: The jury should look at Mr. St. John's arguments and perhaps any ostensible "findings" based on religious belief with skepticism, Your Honor. That is all.


          JOHN: Thank you, Geordie.


          ZOE: The prosecution, too, would like to make a clarification.


          JOHN: Go ahead.


          ZOE: I believe that Geordie is making an argument that falls under the fallacy of composition. Just because my witness has certain religious beliefs does not immediately delegitimize his detective work.


          JOHN: Thank you, Ms. Greeley. Please continue your examination.


          ZOE: Mr. St. John, sir, did you find any evidence linking Orson Wilder to the victims, including Guy Person?


          CAIN: You bet, ma'am. Orson's fingerprints were found on Guy Person's door. Orson was found near the victim's house at about 3:15pm. At around 3:45, Person made a post on Twitter saying he couldn't find his frying pan. This means Wilder likely took the frying pan, which was the murder weapon, if I'm not mistaken.


          GEORDIE: Objection, Your Honor.


          JOHN: Sustained.


          GEORDIE: Speculation. The narrative Cain here is giving is potentially misleading and speculative.


          JOHN: Noted. Please continue, Mr. St. John.


          CAIN: No thanks. I think we should adjourn this trial for today. I'm bored. (To the audience.) And I'm sure the audience is, too.


          JOHN: What the...? No? You- that's not how...? That's not how this works, sir. We can't just adjourn court because YOU want it to. That's MY job.


          CAIN: Can I request a recess?


          JOHN: What? No!


          CAIN: But I want one!


          JOHN: Just answer Zoe's question! I don't even remember what it was now! Zoe, Ms. Greeley, please repeat the question for me and for the record.


          ZOE: Mr. St. John, did you find any evidence linking Orson Wilder to the victims, including Guy Person?


          CAIN: Yes.


          ZOE: All right. No further questions, Your Honor.


          JOHN: Geordie, do you have any more questions for cross-examination of the witness Cain St. John?


          GEORDIE: Yes, Your Honor. One.


          JOHN: All right, ask him.


          GEORDIE: Cain, you claim to have found evidence against Orson, but are you aware of the sheer amount of evidence against yourself, Cain?


          CAIN: Excuse me?


          ZOE: Objection, Your Honor! This is a clear-


          JOHN: Overruled. Please continue, Geordie. I'd like to see where you're going with this.


          ZOE: What?! No! Why are you letting?!-


          JOHN: Please let Geordie speak, Ms. Greeley.


          ZOE: (Defeatedly.) All right.


          GEORDIE: May I continue?


          JOHN: Please.


          GEORDIE: Thank you, Your Honor. As your own evidence showed in a previous hearing, Cain, not only are Orson's fingerprints on that doorknob... your own were found there too. So doesn't that make you just as likely to be guilty of the crime as he is? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you must realize that Orson is not the murderer here. The murderer sits at the witness stand. As we live and breathe.


          (CAIN is visibly angry.)


          JOHN: Anything else?


          GEORDIE: Naw, Your Honor.


          JOHN: Thank you, Geordie. All right. You are dismissed, Cain. (CAIN takes a seat away from the witness stand.) Have you got any more witnesses, Ms. Greeley? We've got to adjourn pretty soon here.


          ZOE: No, Your Honor, I do not have any more witnesses today.


          JOHN: All right. Please present whatever evidence you have that proves Orson Wilder's guilt, Ms. Greeley.


          ZOE: (Gets out a file folder.) In this file, there is a document where Orson Wilder, in his handwriting, confesses to the murder.


          JOHN: Please show this file to the jury, Ms. Greeley.


          ZOE: Will do. (A copy of the confessional note is displayed on the big screen.)


          ORSON: That's Cain's handwriting.


          JOHN: Excuse me?


          ORSON: Yeah, that's Cain's handwriting. He also forged my signature, it seems.


          JOHN: Hm. Duly... noted...


          GEORDIE: Objection, Your Honor!


          JOHN: Sustained.


          GEORDIE: (With a smug smile.) Let's prove this handwriting is Cain's before jumping to any conclusions like the prosecution has. Let's corroborate the handwriting of this with some handwriting of Orson's and some handwriting of Cain's.


          JOHN: Do you have anything like that, Geordie?


          GEORDIE: Why I'm so glad you asked, Your Honor! (Takes out two checks.) I have here two checks: one signed by Orson, and the other signed by Cain St. John. I think whether or not this is Cain's handwriting will speak for itself upon being shown.


          JOHN: Would you display that on the big screen for the jury and I?


          GEORDIE: Of course, Your Honor!


          (The checks are displayed on the big screen. The JURY gasps.)


          JOHN: Well, I'll be. Anything else, Ms. Greeley?


          ZOE: (Upset.) No, Your Honor.


          JOHN: How about you, Mr. McGeorge?


          GEORDIE: Same as Ms. Greeley, Your Honor. I got nothing more.


          JOHN: Please make your closing statements, Geordie and Ms. Greeley, and we can adjourn court for today.


          ZOE: May I go first?


          JOHN: Yes, that is how this works.


          ZOE: The evidence proves Orson Wilder is a murderer. The fingerprints on the doorknob, the connection to the murder weapon. It's just all too convenient. Where there's smoke, there's fire. That is all. Thank you.


          JOHN: Thank you, Ms. Greeley. Geordie?


          GEORDIE: Me, Your Honor?


          JOHN: (Sarcastically.) No, the other Geordie! (Not sarcastic anymore.) I say that sarcastically, of course. In seriousness, yes you, Mr. McGeorge! Go ahead.


          GEORDIE: Let me tell you this, people of the jury: My client has essentially been slandered and maligned throughout what's been pretty much one of the most bureaucratized excuses for due process I've experienced. That is no insult to this specific court or the justice system, but rather something I want you all to take into consideration before you eventually make your verdict. Don't let Ms. Greeley fool you. Cain St. John is who we're looking for, not Wilder. Orson Wilder is an innocent man, as I see it, and as I hope the jury sees it, too.


          JOHN: Thank you, Geordie. All right, the trial's adjourned for today. Go home. I have a headache.