A Letter To Myself

If I could only go back and talk to my 10 year old self.

Dear Amare,

I remember us so vividly as a child. With our bum length, dark hair, a smile that lit up a room, an infectious laugh and an imagination like no other.
Dad's friends used to ask sometimes who we were playing with downstairs, as we played some very authentic, grown-up games with our imaginary friends. Dad would say that we were on our own, no one else, and they would be shocked. They couldn't believe there wasn't someone else playing with us. That memory still makes me smile today.

We did ok at the only child thing. We had friends over to play all the time, but there was also a lot of downtime where we would have to entertain ourselves, and we did pretty damn well at that. I'm proud of us. We never complained we were bored. We just filled in our time.

We enjoyed school for the most part. But as all kids find out, along the way, it can get a little tricky. I wish I could catch us before that part. I want to catch us when we were about ten. We were still ticking along pretty well at 10. No major issues, life was pretty sweet. We were happy, we were still pretty carefree. Life hadn't thrown too many curveballs at us then. We had had a few little heartbreaks along the way with a few boys, which makes me laugh, the drama of it all. We had some lovely friends, not from the cool crowd, but really genuine, nice friends.

I want you to know that I loved you then, that I love that little girl still. But that love did get lost along the way, and that was sad. I didn't want that for us. I didn't want us to head in the direction we did when suddenly we started feeling we weren't good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, and the list goes on. Yes, we missed out on things we wanted. We didn't make the tee ball team with our friends, we didn't get to play the flute in the band; instead, we were directed to try the clarinet. We never got the lead role in the plays, or chosen to sing the solo songs. We were always picked towards the end for the sporting teams in class; we never won a running race, or a swimming race or any race really.

I need you to know that it didn't matter. It's going to seem like it at the time. It is going to start playing on our minds. Why aren't we good enough? Why do the other girls have boyfriends but not us? I will tell you why now. Say yes!! Say yes when one of them asks you "to go with them" and give it a try. Don't say no because we are going to get so stuck in our head about all the ways we are not going to keep their attention for long. That they will move on and how embarrassing we think that will be, so we'd prefer to not even try. Because that is what we will do, I know. We will say no so we don't have to worry every second of the day we are around that boy that we might say or do something wrong and they will dump us We are good enough, and they should think they are blessed to be our little boyfriend for a time. If they dump our arse, that's their loss, not ours.

Don't worry about those teams we aren't going to be picked for, or that we won't play a leading role, or sing a leading songs. None of that matters. We will find our groove. We will still be a part of all of those things. Maybe not in the way we hope for, but we will still be amongst it all. It is not a failure to not get those parts; it's just a part of life. Many others will miss out on all of those things, too, but will we think them a failure? No, we won't, so don't think those things about ourself. Let's just start there. What we will realise, once we are older, is how insignificant all of those things really were. But what is not insignificant is how we started looking and thinking about ourselves. Oh how I wish, we had stayed the path. The path where we still believed in ourself, still looked in the mirror and liked what we saw. Still believed we could do anything. Because I really believe, if we had not let the demons come to play so early on, we could have done great things.

I am picturing us now. Me, us, as we are today, and me, us, as we were then. I just want to envelope that little girl in my arms, and hold on tight. I want to be there for her/me, with all that I know now and change our course.

The good news is Amare, I am starting to maybe not love, but at least like us a little again. I will get us there, I promise you that. I will fight for it, from now till we exist no more. I just wish I could go back to ourself at ten, and start over again.

Love always
Amare