A Planet Like No Other

A tale of a remarkable experience for a seemingly unremarkable man.

         Joe was, well, an average Joe. He had a typical childhood. In school, he was unremarkable, a C+ student. Despite his efforts to rise above everyone in a competitive sense, he lived over twenty years in a boring existence, becoming an underachiever. It only follows that an underachiever would opt for an unimpressive job. Joe happened to be a garbage collector.
         But as for his dreams, his unrealized ambitions--those were another matter entirely. Had he more confidence in his capabilities, he might've done great things. Hell, he might've become a restauranteur. Would any amount of studying and learning new things have nudged him in the right direction? He didn't know for sure, but this is a question he cogitated several times daily.
         One day on the job, he was discussing with his friend and fellow employee what they wanted to be when they grew up, how their childhood dreams didn't match their destinies whatsoever. It was just like any other Monday until they saw a bright object in the sky, looming closer and closer.
         Naturally, Joe and his friend ran. The object in question was saucer-shaped, domed at the top. It made an overly loud whirring sound as it hurtled towards the two men. It landed on Joe's friend with some control, leaving the man all but squashed. Joe inched away from it, watching in terror as the dome opened.
         Out stepped what looked like a man in a full-body suit, complete with some sort of gas mask.
         "Salutations," said the extraterrestrial, bowing.
         "A flying saucer!" the other human cried out despite his agony, "A real flying saucer!" He passed out.
         "Salutations," the alien repeated, bowing again.
         "Ah..." Joe said, the gears in his head spinning fast. What could it want with him? Why had it come here?
         "You...You hurt my friend," he said. The creature looked down at the damage and shrugged.
         "Expendable," he said. He came closer. Joe inched back again, sure that any moment he'd get zapped or blasted away. Or worse.
         "You are Joe," he continued, "You are the king of a planet like no other. A planet called Joe. Please, let me explain. When you were only three years of age, we were at war with another planet. For your safety, we deleted your memories and shipped you off to Earth. The time has come for you to return and rule supreme."
         Joe smiled despite himself, feeling a thrill. Everything suddenly seemed much lighter and unimportant. I knew I was special, he thought. It just took the better part of his youth and adulthood for him to be saved from this crummy old world.
         "You say I'm a king?" Joe asked.
         "Indeed you are," said the alien, "A much anticipated one as well. Selected for your individuality. I also happen to be called Joe. At your majesty's service."
         "Individuality?" Joe blurted.
         "Yes. You were the first to be born in the city of Joe."
         "I'm...I'm noticing a pattern."
         The extraterrestrial stepped aside and gestured towards the opening of the spaceship. Joe felt something akin to déjà vu; it was as if his unlikely feeling of uniqueness had been confirmed, and he would never have to work a day in his life again.
         Joe climbed atop the ship and dropped down the entrance, the other Joe following suit. The inside was sort of cozy despite being, or seeming to be made of, metal. The masked emissary sat at the bizarre controls and charted a course on a monitor. They flew upwards, past the houses, past the skyscrapers, past the clouds, then into the twinkling ether beyond.
         He felt as though he had a million questions, so he decided to try them on the other Joe. After all, he was a king of an entire world, and any amount of annoyance on the other's part wouldn't change that.
         "Where is it? This planet, I mean?"
         "Joe orbits the star Joe in the Joe galaxy."
         "Never mind. Is it a peaceful planet? I mean, I'm not going to be some sort of dictator..."
         "Since our war with our neighbor planet, we have known peace. And you don't have a temperament that would indicate any danger. You would be shunned."
         "How old am I? Do I age differently?" Joe asked.
         "You are as old as you think. Yet you will look and act as you are now for well over eight thousand years."
         Joe pondered this. Having that much mortality sounded great, but might become hell later on. However, he was afraid of death, and he didn't believe that nigh immortality could be any worse than death, the end of all experiences.
         "So I'm not even human, am I?"
         "No. We are a proud species. We do bear an unfortunate resemblance to Earthlings."
         "Am I rich? I must live in a kingdom."
         "Yes, you are wealthy in both riches and respect."
         Joe could hardly control his excitement. He felt like shouting at the universe, saying, "Look at me now!"
         The spaceship weaved around asteroids and passed by nebulae. The new king peered out the window, seeing a red and blue planet coming into view. The other Joe slowed the vessel down. They landed daintily on the surface. Red vegetation surrounded them, bordering on green sand. The other Joe took off his mask. The king gasped.
         "You look just like me! Are we related?"
         "No, your majesty. I am a typical member of our species."
         Joe's heart skipped a beat, then felt heavy. No, he thought. No, no, no, no. The entire species looked like him?
         "You are nervous, your majesty," said the other Joe, "Do not worry. We are a peaceful species and you will be well-received."
         Joe followed the emissary that looked exactly like him with clumsy, half-hearted footsteps. Once they'd reached the cliff that overlooked the city of Joe, he already knew his life was ruined.
         Thousands of Joes faced up at him. They all cheered.
         "Eight thousand more years of Joe!" they chanted in unison.
         Some emotion halfway between indignation and dejection boiled up in Joe. He screamed.