The Alligator Solution

572 Words - My family's solution to an unexpected visitor. Writer's Cramp 07-03-25.

The Alligator Solution


Once, I wrestled three 20 foot alligators. It was a long and tough fight that went on for hours. Through my herculean strength and perseverance I defeated all 3 and thereby saved a gaggle of nuns and a school bus full of children. I only mention this because for a guy like me, that wrestled four 25 foot alligators, a single alligator just isn’t challenging. So true.

Let me tell you about the time we woke up after a raucous storm and found a 35 foot gator sloshing around in the back yard.

Before I get started you’ll need to understand the family.

My wife is a 65 year old scientist with a string of inventions and awards that boggle the mind. Our son is 10 and we haven’t yet found the limits to his Steven Hawking brain. Then there is me, the incredibly handsome 60 year old who saves nuns and children by single-handedly subduing 40 foot alligators.

The rain and thunder had just stopped. Harry, our kid, saw the gator first.

“Dad, look! There’s a baby 6 foot gator in the backyard, let’s see you wrestle it!”.
My wife, Henrietta, not very helpful, “Yea honey, go give the little guy some what-fer.”.
“Well, I would but sometimes I don’t know my own strength. Wouldn’t want to hurt it.”.
Harry immediately turned to Mom, “What should we do?”.

That begins a Henrietta/Harry mind meld.

Henrietta asks, “What’s the goal here Harry?”.
“Send it home which is probably the swamp down past Critter Field.”.
“Is the gully full?
“To the top.”.
“What do alligators like to eat?”.
“This one probably likes fish and small animals.”
“I’ll thaw out a chicken then Dad can use it to lure him home.”.
“This'll be fun Mom. Dad, you have to promise not to hurt him!”.

Discussion ends.
In a single motion, they turn and head for the garage.

So, the sun is barely up and I’m running around the backyard trying to lure an alligator across the road with half a chicken, which, had it been a whole chicken, and alive, would have happily crossed the road to get away from the alligator.

My gator figured out the routine quickly, it went like this: Gator gets close, I throw chicken and run, gator eats chicken, I yell, Henrietta brings more chicken. Gator gets close…

After an hour of gator ballet, Henrietta and Harry came out of the garage pulling a catapult. It was engineered from my wheelbarrow, Harry's basketball stand, my golf clubs and some 4th of July fireworks. See, you have to understand the family.

I’m dancing with the gator and they’re arguing about where to put the catapult. The discussion involved distance, weight, wind speed, wind direction, arc of the flight and the particular aerodynamic properties of 6 foot alligators.

About now the gator and I stopped dancing, both us were mesmerized by the Henrietta & Harry show.

They made a decision on where to place the catapult and after a few minutes of “To the left!”, “Toward me!”, “Too far!”, the catapult is ready.

Henrietta threw chicken parts in the wheelbarrow/catapult bucket and, after the gator climbed in Harry lit the homemade rocket’s fuse. The rocket went off, the alligator was catapulted over the house, across the road into the gully that leads to the swamp where the alligator lives.

Crisis solved. Henrietta and Harry high-five.

Harry looked at me, “Dad, uh, you know, don’t you think, well, nobody can wrestle 3 alligators, that's just crazy.”.

They won the Flying Alligator Award that year.



Word count: 573