But I Do

Poem to her beloved on a heavy heart day

I love you.
I've told you that many times.
Today it covers my mind as a blanket.

The heart in my chest beats heavy,
Missing you — your smile, your eyes,
Your gentle spirit, your soft caress.

Seeing you without touching you —
It tortures my longing soul.
I can only think of being in your arms.

I've never loved the way I love you.
It is visceral and physical, sometimes
So intense I simply cry.

There is nothing more
That I want in this world
Than to build a life with you.

More than that,
I want to love you in all the ways
You've not been loved for so long.

I believe we can have a beautiful life;
Even when things get hard,
We can work through anything.

My heart truly believes
We are meant to love each other.
To bring each other to a higher place.

I've waited my whole life
For the love I prayed for.
I can wait a while longer for you.

You are worth every tear I shed,
Every shudder when I miss you,
Each day that passes by.

You have the hardest road to walk,
A complex decision to make.
A life to unwind.

I could be devastatingly wrong;
It wouldn't be the first time,
And would fit the way life works for me.

But no matter how I've tried
To put you out of my heart,
A glimmer of hope persists.

Please know I'm not pushing;
My intent is not to beg,
But simply to be honest.

There is more for you
Beyond the coldness of your state.
There is warmth and love and healing.

Claiming your happiness
Is not failure,
But rather growth and maturity.

My prayer is for peace
For you, for her,
For all of us.

Be brave, be confident.
Be clear of mind and heart.
Be firm, but compassionate.

Don't sink into apathy.
Don't settle for survival.
Don't return to the cycle.

You can't force change.
It either happens or it doesn't.
You can't force love and healing.

Marriage isn't co-habitation.
You know this.
And you deserve more.

Simply ask her--
Is she still attracted to you physically and emotionally,
Or is this just convenience for her?

If she doesn't feel it now,
She never will,
And you have your answer.

But I do.
I love you.
I desire you.

And I mourn every day
I can't hold you
And love you.